About Melissa June: Pepsi addict, recovering perfectionist, Mom to 5, Wife to 1. Slowly learning that we don’t get to change the past…We can however, heal, grow stronger, and be better than we were given. I was raised in an abusive home and went into Foster Care in 7th grade. I write about my childhood, about my time in Foster Care. And how I am healing my “inner child” by creating my own version of a “Picture Perfect” life. Even if it isn’t Picture Perfect, it is Perfect for my family and me. Life is a journey, and each day is a new day, and I am so thankful for that.
Hi, we need to talk. You really need to start being nicer to me! I have been thinking about our “relationship” a lot lately… I wouldn’t treat my enemies as badly as you treat me. I don’t think my self esteem can take any more abuse from you.
Take yesterday morning for example:
I got up super early, I wanted to get a work out in, you think I’m lazy when I don’t. I was hoping to be able to get home, get showered and ready for the day before any one was awake… That would have made you PROUD!
But, Nikolas was super excited for his first day of school and he was awake when I got home. Showering and getting ready for the day was no longer an option, because the most important thing for me that morning, was making sure that my “babies” had a great start! First day of 1st grade, and kindergarten, both milestones… Then again your negative voice popped in my head: You really should have planned better.
I made them strawberry and banana smoothies, also bagels with cream cheese, they were so happy to their favorites for breakfast! THEY were HAPPY! Then there you were again: “It really is important that they have at least two hot meals a day! Why didn’t you make them pancakes or scrambled eggs! Are you going to send them with a “Hot” lunch? What kind of mother are you? And look they can’t even sit up at the kitchen counter because you are a horrible house keeper, What DO you do all day?”
Once Breakfast was done, it was time to get dressed. They chose what they wanted to wear, this took a little longer than I hoped, but it was fine, we had plenty of time, and besides they were happy. “Why didn’t you lay out their clothes last night, a GOOD Mom would have.”
Lunches, first time I would ever “pack” them one…I thought it would be fun if we packed them together. I had them let them each pick out the fruit, vegetable, even a yogurt, and a special treat. What about protein? Nikolas won’t eat much meat… What to do… Pepperoni! He loves it, and I knew he would actually eat them. YOU AGAIN: REALLY! Wow, you suck at this! How will he grow and be healthy eating THAT?! You really should have done this last night! And did you even bother to make them a cute little note? You are so lazy!
Then it was time to “capture” that first day on film.
Nik hates pictures, but was excited for these.
Click- click, nothing… What is wrong with my camera! My battery was dead…
You’re so stupid and lazy, you can’t even make sure your battery is charged! As if it would have been so hard to double check last night! You didn’t even make a cute sign for him to hold!
It’s OK, I can take pictures with my tablet, or my phone and I can edit in dates and grades later. The pictures would have been better with the good camera! You’re a horrible Mom!
As we drove down to the school we talked about what he was excited about, all the new friends he would meet, how he was excited to see his “old” friends. I gently reminded myself that this is what memories are built on, not on which camera I used to take his picture… THIS, this is why we need to “fix” our relationship, you are making it so I lose focus on the IMPORTANT things…
I hurry and found a parking spot across the street…We found his teacher waiting with a sign, He spotted two of his friends from last year, “Bye Mom!” He was so excited!
Wow, you’re so horrible he isn’t even going to miss you…
I was really nervous for Denver’s first day of kindergarten, she is my baby. I made an appointment to get her hair done for her first day. She was so excited, who doesn’t love their hair professionally done. You only made this appointment because you can’t do her hair, you really suck! Nope, I made it because this is a BIG milestone, in both our lives. We created a MEMORY, it was FUN and SHE LOVED it!
This goes on everyday, all day long….Some days are better than others. Some days you are in my head complaining becasue the laundry smells like mildew again because I forgot to change the laundry on time again. If I pay a bill late, you are there letting me know how unorganized and lazy I am. I could go on, but I think you know where I am going with this. You know what? If anyone was to call me and tell me one of their “friends” talked to them the way you talk to me. I would tell them to quit hanging out with you, that you are “toxic”. No one should have to put up with that type of abuse.
I wish it were that easy, but that NEGATIVE voice isn’t a “friend”, that bully is ME!
So today, smile a little more to other people, give more words of encouragement. Let those in your life know that YOU think they are doing a great job. Because if they are anything like me, they probably need it.
But more importantly, remind yourself that YOU are doing the best you can. Remind yourself that you don’t need to be perfect. Then take it a step further, and start treating yourself like you treat those around you, I would NEVER say some of the negative comments I say to myself, even to my worse enemy.
And like my 5 year old said to me this morning as I accidentally squeezed too much conditioner out of the bottle and got it everywhere: “Mistakes Happen!”, or as she was looking at herself in the mirror: “You are Beautiful, BEAUTIFUL!” Today I am going to treat myself, how I would treat her, say to myself only things I would say to her, my son, my friend, I will be more forgiving of myself.
I hope you will do the same.
By the way, YOU are doing a great job, you are amazing!