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Rachel is a wife to Adam and the momma of 3 short people. A sometimes serious, but usually sarcastic girlie girl. Simply put, she is just a laid back chick who wants to change the world. You can find her at her blog To Hab & To Hold, on Twitter and on Facebook.
When I was thinking about what to write for this post, many things came to mind that I can’t say. So I wrote them down, and will have Pour Your Heart Out posts for the next four weeks for sure! The biggest things that I haven’t been able to say publicly are my periodic thoughts of what if.
How different life would be if Aiden didn’t have autism.
What would life have been like if I didn’t get pregnant while being a junior in high school.
What if I had listened to my mom I wouldn’t of been in the car {with a boy that she told me to stay away from} when it ended up hitting a tree at an incredibly high rate of speed on an icy, wintery day in January twelve years ago.
What if I wasn’t a sexual assault survivor.
The bottom line is as difficult as somethings in my life have been, they have made me who I am today.
Sure, if Aiden didn’t have autism some areas of my life may be easier. My daily life revolves around small moments {his cheese stick breaking to his iPad battery dying} that to him feel life changing moments. I can’t ever feel relaxed or sleep a night without worrying that I will wake up, and he he will have wondered out of the house. I spend more time in a doctors office then I do just about anywhere else. I have had to put working, and finishing school on hold to be home with Aiden. I wouldn’t be franticly reading every label of everything he puts in his mouth. I wouldn’t be on the verge of a panic attack thinking about him starting in a new school this year. All of those reasons and many more though wouldn’t make me change a thing about him. He has made me a better person, and I am thankful for all that he has taught me in his four years!
If I hadn’t gotten in that car then I wouldn’t still feel the effects of that accident every day, but I needed to feel the consequences of my actions. My freshman year of high school I was making some very dangerous choices. Hanging out with people I shouldn’t of been, experimenting with drugs and that accident was a huge wake up call for me.
If I hadn’t gotten pregnant with Kaitlin when I did, I might have gone off to college like a typical 18 year old. Who knows what would life would have been life. One thing is for sure, I wouldn’t have pushed myself to graduate 18 months early or been blessed with one of the most amazing gifts. The timing wasn’t perfect, but she is one of the best things in my life.
The reason that I worked in a domestic violence and sexual abuse shelter was because I had been there once. I know first hand what it is like to feel so violated, while having to explain every detail to someone you don’t know, while they told you “I get it, I understand”. The fact was they didn’t get it. They didn’t understand how I was feeling. My experience gave me an entirely different perspective when I was the one responding to the emergency room.
What are your “what if” moments? Is there anything that you have thought about changing if you could?
Oh wow.
I’m sorry for what you went through as a young woman. Glad you were able to turn it into a positive thing in your life.
My son with Autism is nearly 20 now and I remember those hard days when he first learned how to unlock the front door. Know what I did? I went to Home Depot and bought one of those sliding chain locks and put it up as high as possible on the door. It bought me almost another whole year of not have to worry about that. It’s hard now, but it will get better, I promise! My son isn’t perfect by a long shot and I still worry about him every day, but he is doing well and has accomplished much to be proud of in his life. Yours will too! Give him a hug from me (if he will let you!) and remember that we are all pulling for you.
Sandy
It sounds like you have gone through a lot in your life. How amazing that you are able to see the silver lining in so many of the trials that you have endured! You are taking your experiences and not only helping others, but you are the Mom to the kids who were destined to be your kids. They are lucky!
I have realized that I wouldn’t change my soul-forming moments for anything, even though they were so hard to go through, because they really do make me who I am. It’s so much better to embrace them than to kick against them.
Somehow, I think you feel the same way. 🙂