Angie is a writer, twin mom, and bookaholic. She loves a well punctuated life and is a firm believer in God, dark chocolate, and the Oxford comma. Friends predict that the availability of Sharpies combined with society’s affinity for bad grammar will eventually get her arrested. Find her blogging at Angie Kinghorn: Life, with Artistic License.
Before I became a mom, I would see children behaving horribly in public places and say to my own mother, “My kids will never do that.”
She always laughed and said, “Never say never.”
I remembered that when they were throwing inconsolable fits at the pediatrician as infants and I realized there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. I remembered it again when they were potty training and I thought nothing of pulling the van over so they could use the portable plastic potty I kept in the back (something I’d sworn over and over I would never do).
But you never know until you get there.
My twins are six now, so to a certain extent we’re here, wherever “here” is, so I’ve got enough parenting experience under my belt that I feel comfortable looking at a situation involving kids close in age to mine and saying, “No way would I allow my children to do that.”
There’s something parents feel like they can’t say, and it’s harming our kids. We feel the need to explain everything in detail, to reason, to make them understand, when in reality, most of the time they’d be better served with “because I said so.”
Take, for instance the pair of sisters crawling around the dressing area at Nordstrom last weekend, pausing to and peek under each door and into individual dressing rooms. I noticed it when a blonde head popped up near my feet in the three-way-mirror of doom.
I thought about saying something snarky – “Hi there, enjoying the show?” but her mother the only other person in the dressing area … and was in the dressing room right next to mine. Also? She kept asking the salesgirl for skinny designer jeans in impossibly small sizes. My experience is that starving adult women are argumentative and irrational, so I preferred to avoid contact.
Then I caught a glimpse of weird lights from the side. That would be the older sister and her light-up shoes, crawling around, doing the same thing. They were letting themselves into locked dressing rooms, and slamming the doors over and over.
Judging from what I saw, they were about 5 and 7.
Old enough to know better.
More importantly, though, old enough for their mother to have done something about it.
To be fair, she did.
She yelled their names plenty of times.
She told them to stop. Over and over.
She threatened that if they didn’t stop, they’d get a 15-minute time-out when they got home.
“But why, Mommy? Can’t we just run around some more?”
“You’re being loud. And there’s someone right next door. And we have to hurry home so Daddy won’t know how long we were out here shopping.”
Hold up, Mrs. Skinny Pants. You’re doing it wrong. The right answer here? “Because I said so.”
Period. The end. Done.
I know, it’s one of those things we all hated to hear growing up and probably swore we’d never say. But at the end of the day, why do you need your children to obey? Because you’re the parent and you have the authority. And you told them to obey.
It really is that simple. And our parents had it right by saying it until they were blue in the face.
Every day I see a child throw rocks or mulch on the playground, or hit another child, and the parental response is usually to get down and explain, “Now, Babycakes, we’ve talked about this. You can’t do that. If you do it five more times, we’re leaving.”
A neighbor’s child was at our house this weekend, and though it was a beautiful day, she tromped in barefoot, dirty, with a dripping popsicle, and announced they were going to play upstairs.
“No, you’re not.”
“Why not?” She had one hand on her hip, the picture of sassy at age 8.
“Because it’s a gorgeous day, the house is clean, and most importantly, because I said so.”
She was a bit taken aback, but the group went outside.
Later she decided it was hysterical to ring our doorbell, run around back, open the door from the garage, yell, “I think you’ve got a visitor!” and leave, usually leaving the back door open so that our dog could have wandered into the street had he possessed enough eyesight to notice the door was open.
After I caught her in the act, I went to the backyard and pulled her aside. In my scary low voice, I said, “If you ring my doorbell one more time, I am sending you home.” She was gobsmacked. It was as if no one had ever spoken to her that way before. So I repeated myself, just to make sure she got it. “Are we clear?” I asked. She nodded. “Then say ‘Yes, ma’am.’” “Yes, ma’am,” she whispered.
That was the end of the doorbell ringing.
Because I said so.
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It is so hard to see others children acting out and not want to do something.
Isn’t it? If there had been more people in that dressing area I *might* have made a comment. But probably not. Better to blog about it instead. 🙂
You’re right. There are times that “Because I said so” should be used. I use it with my boys, not all the time though. I try not to overuse it. There’s some finality when you use “Because I said so” with your kids. It does make them think twice. There may be some pouty faces but the point gets across.
Thanks for sharing.
No, definitely not all the time. But when authority needs to be established, absolutely. And when you’re in public and it’s not the time for discussion, again, yes. As I’ve tried to explain to my children repeatedly, there may be a situation someday where their safety depends on their obeying me right the hell now, and so they need to do what I say the first time, every time. Why? Because I said so.
I’m not saying it’s fully sunk in for my kids – oh, no. But I do say it. Because at the end of the day, the parent shouldn’t be justifying actions and decisions to the child. Honestly, I think they’ve found it comforting (to an extent). When they can’t understand something and I can’t explain it, their answer is, “Well, Mommy said so, and Mommy wants to keep us safe.” That’s pretty reassuring.
You’re so badass. I need to be more like you. 🙂
I don’t know about badass! I do own a leather jacket, though. 🙂
I totally agree with you, there’s not always a need to give young children a long explanation of why they shouldn’t be doing something, I thing sometimes parents do it as a way of not telling their kids off and instead trying to reason with them so they can ‘be their friends’ but this can allow for them to argue back and not always very respectfully. I’m not a super strict parents but my kids know when I say some thing in my ‘serious’ voice I mean it and I’m not going to give them 20 empty warnings!
You’re spot on about parents wanting to be friends with their children. You can’t be BFFs with your son or daughter and then expect them to afford you the respect of an authority figure at the appropriate time. Heck, if you do that, how are they supposed to know when the appropriate time would be?
The other thing you said that I adore is about empty warnings. Oh, the empty warning!!!! Talk about another parenting tragedy! If you never punish your kids when you say you’re going to, they’re never going to have incentive to behave!
Thanks so much for reading!
i remember the freedom that i felt the first time i said ‘because i said so’. i think my kid made it to like 8 before i used those exact words, after a 10 minute question and answer period about why he had to go take a shower. i finally said it. i turned from the stove with a big grin on my face, repeated it and did a little happy dance. i said, because i am your mother and i said so, now get in the shower. i ruined the moment a little with the gloating, but whatever, it was awesome and he got in the corkin shower.
Same here! It was one of those things I’d said I’d never do, but the first time I did, I felt exactly like you described–so liberated! I’d taken control. And the kids noticed it, too!
Feel free to print out posters of the “Because I Said So” graphic and distribute at will. 🙂
You are SO right. And in some ways, the need to dish out a “because I said so” grows even greater as our kids get older. I LOVE your point about a moment when their safety might be an immediate concern and you need them to obey “right the hell now.”
But my kids are now almost 14 and 16. They are bright, verbal and capable of arguing MANY of my explanations about a certain rule or condition or limitation I might set. I will usually try to reason with them. Sometimes, however, I will simply say “You do NOT need to understand why this is my decision and I don’t care if you agree. I am the parent. That’s enough.”
And I don’t feel bad about saying it. In fact, I usually wish I’d done it sooner 🙂
Julie, I love your parenting style!
And I’m so glad to know this tactic stil works with teens. They’ve got to respect you more for it.
I find myself saying this a lot, “Want to and get to are two very different things.”
Amen to that!
I love this post so much. It is my absolutely favorite thing to say to my kids and yes, I hated hearing it as a kid but sometimes the answer is “do it because I said so” and no explanation is necessary. I don’t need to explain to my 3yo all the reasons why she can’t hit. She just can’t because hitting is wrong and I am telling her not to do it. Period. It’s funny that my three-year-old daughter gets it more than my eleven-year-old twins and my fifteen-year-old son.
Exactly!
I don’t understand why the phrase has fallen so out of favor when it’s such a great parenting tool. Perhaps people are afraid that others would assume they didn’t want to take the time to explain things to their children? I honestly don’t know.
Hells to the yeah Angie. I say it 5 to 11 times per day.
I totally agree with ‘Because I said so,’ I’ve used it as an elementary teacher and it was very effective. I know teaching isn’t parenting, but you’re still dealing with behaviours all day long, and sometimes a simple ‘Because I said so’ is all that’s needed. That, and consistency.
I say “because I said so” al the time. ALL the time. I really hate hearing parents explain and explain things to their kids. Ugh. It’s like the “in” thing to do these days. They say it’s to “show them respect” or some reason like that. Blah. When I tell me kids it’s bedtime….and they ask why, I say “Because…it’s 8:00 and I said so.” And that’s the end of it. I don’t need to explain that they need 10 hours of sleep, or that we have school tomorrow, or that I think they look tired, or that I need them in bed so that I can have a BREAK from them. I say, “Because I said so.” and that’s the end of it. No explanation needed.
Kids are very smart and understand authority. When a parent is firm with them, they will listen. But when parents allow them to get away with a lot of things, that’s when they think they can do whatever it is they want. I love the fact that you took that kid to the side and be clear on what it is you expect from her. They’ll listen but we have to be firm and consistent.
I could not agree more. This wussy tippy-toe parenting gets totally absurd!