Kara Anderson is a writer and homeschooling mom, driven by an unknown force to write everything down. She takes too many pictures and never leaves home without a notebook. Find her at Quill and Camera or on Facebook or Twitter.
Most days, it’s OK.
What am I talking about? It’s always OK.
But mostly, it doesn’t bother me anymore. It doesn’t follow me the way it used to, for years, the trying, the waiting, the … nothing.
But then I’ll have the dream again. The dream where I am pregnant and so thrilled, only to realize that something is wrong. I’m not gaining weight. I’m not feeling the baby kick.
I wake up, and for that day, I can’t help it. I walk around feeling a little empty.
It’s a horrible feeling, followed by a worse one, because I have two amazing kids.
I am so incredibly lucky. (And it makes me feel so very guilty.)
Secondary infertility is tricky like that.
I’ve had friends who have struggled through true infertility and miscarriage, and my heart breaks for them.
Some have chosen adoption. Some have moved on to another sort of life.
They seem OK, I think.
And I’m OK too. (So much better than OK.)
I try to teach my kids to be appreciative for what we have, and so when they ask about a little brother or sister, they know my line:
“I’m just grateful for you guys.”
I never say it aloud — because it feels incredibly selfish and unappreciative. (And I swear to you, I am so appreciative. Really. They will always, forever, be more than I could have wished for.)
And so it lives silently in my heart. (In the back somewhere.)
(Is this how people become Crazy Baby Ladies, I wonder? Is this how women become the worst versions of grandmothers?)
No, because, well, perspective.
My husband doesn’t think about it. We are like a sitcom family – an older boy; a younger girl. (Just no sassy toddler brought in late in the series to boost ratings.)
No one asks us about more because we have one of each.
(We’ve checked all the boxes.)
They assume it’s a choice, and so they say accidentally hurtful things. When one of my children is having a rough day they’ll quip: “And that’s why you’re done, right?”
But no. We’ve never decided anything. (And also, back off. My kids are cool.)
Instead … If I tell you, will you hate me?
If I say that I wanted more children to come in line like little stair-steps? That I wanted it to be easy? That I wished for it at night under the covers – that I dream of babies still?
(Babies who vanish in the morning light.)
We can joke about it now, though. For a long time, I couldn’t.
Last week, squeezing the big buff cat who we got for the kids, but who for some reason has taken a shine to me, I said to my husband: “Sometimes, I wonder if God gave me this cat because we can’t have more babies.”
It was a joke, the same way I used to ask him when we were first married, “If we can’t have babies, can we get a monkey?”
I expected a little chuckle, but instead:
“Yeah,” he said thoughtfully, kindly. “Yeah. Maybe.”
It could have crushed me that he was confirming what we never say: that we can’t.
But instead, it reminded me of all I do have. I have a husband, who gets me and gave me two wonderful kids, who bring me more joy than I ever imagined was possible.
And together, we are making an amazing life every day.
So is something missing? No.
Do I wish for more of it? Sometimes.
But is it OK?
Yeah – it is.
It finally, really is.
With my first, I got pregnant right away. With my second, it took almost a year. Crazy.
Dreams are often hard to let go of, and daylight sometimes seems harsh, doesn’t it? Thanks for sharing your heart, it really is a meaningful post and will touch many I’m sure.
Thanks fore sharing your touching story. May God bless you with another child someday.
After my first two, I had a miscarriage and unexplained infertility. Fortunately, we were able to have two more with much more work. I wonder how it would have been if we couldn’t. I think I would be in the same place you are. And, to be honest, I don’t know that we’ll ever be “done” but will have to stop.
I’m glad for you that your husband gets it and gave a sweet response because it could be so much harder.
Thank you for the thought that it will be okay. Someday. I guess I am not quite there yet. After 13 years of infertility, we had our surprise baby. Then we had another surprise baby and I am grateful because I never thought those blessings would happen. But now, a couple of years and a miscarriage later, I am still wishing for more – just as I know I *should* be content with the blessings I have. I long for OK. And I am glad to hear that it comes in time 🙂 Thank you for this, even though it must have been hard to write.
Hi Debra,
I think it will always be hard. I haven’t stopped hoping. 🙂 But I guess I’ve started to be OK with the idea that I don’t really have any control over the situation. For so long I thought maybe I did and that if I just figured things out, we would be able to have more children. I wish there was an answer — a clear cut reason. So yes, it has gotten easier for me, but I still hope for surprises and miracles every day. And I say little prayers for the mamas like you too — the other mamas out there who are waiting and wishing. 🙂
While I don’t know what you are going through, I can only imagine. It took us longer than I thought we would to get pregnant with our first. There were months of “is this the month?” but eventually we did get pregnant and never went through fertility issues. I commend you for speaking out and putting thoughts to paper.
Beautifully written. I can only imagine how hard that would be to go through. Stay positive 🙂
I got pregnant very easily with both of my girls, then got hit with an illness. I was told getting pregnant would be high risk to me and the baby, and advised not to try again. It bothered me for a while. I wasn’t sure if we were done, but the decision was made for me. After a few years, I can also say now, that’s ok. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing your story. People assume, and it takes a lot of courage to write about it!
It took over 10 years to conceive my first. I have two beautiful children. I likely wouldn’t have had anby more but when I had to have a total hysterectomy it broke my heart, as I’d always dreamed of having more.
I do think it is always harder for you when the decision is made for you. I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband and I stopped at two and I have had a few regrets about that over the years. However, it was our decision.
What a touching story. It sounds like you are handling it in a positive way and it’s likely that patience is the reason you are able to do that.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and writing this. My husband and I stopped at 2. But I have become the crazy baby lady. I miss the way they smell! As women, I do not think the “Baby Ache” ever really goes away.
Conception can be such a difficult thing! It took us a year to have our oldest son after a miscarriage, and I remember worrying, hoping, wishing that we would be able to have one and carry it full term. Now we have two (the second one unexpected) and are done. I still remember the feelings that came with being unsure we would have any at all though, and I know how blessed I am these days!
God bless your heart! I know that has to be difficult. With my first it took a little while longer than I wanted and I remember how nervous I was waiting and waiting. With my second it happened when I wasn’t even expecting it to.
Sorry to hear about your struggles. I think it’s totally warranted that you feel that way though. You have two beautiful children but you shouldn’t feel bad about wishing for more.
Sorry to hear that, I haven’t been in that situation but I like the way you handle it! All I could say is stay positive and focus on your blessings 🙂
What a sweet ending to your post. Your story was a heart string puller, and I think it was very kind that you shared it.
I was lucky enough to have one healthy daughter. For that I am thankful.
I read this with tears in my eyes. I can’t even begin to imagine what you feel when you wake up from those dreams. I was blessed with 5 biological, and then I was blessed with 5 more step-children. I’m sure you being open and honest in this way will help someone who is struggling to make it through the same dreams. (((hugs)))
Thank you for sharing your heart. It is a roller coaster of emotions when it comes to my journey with babies. I am blessed to have 3 boys.
This is a beautiful post! It took us two years and two miscarriages to have our first. Through that experience I learned to never make comments about having babies. So many are fighting a silent battle.
Yes Aimee — such a good point. You just never know about another person’s hopes and dreams for their family. Often even if they seem OK, they are hurting. You’re absolutely right — sensitivity is so important 🙂 Thank you for your kind words.
My first was an immediate pregnancy. With my second I actually called my doctor and asked for advice. It took about a year to conceive. My sister in law has struggled with secondary infertility for the last five years. Breaks my heart.
Hugs, mama! I completely agree with you. We had no issues with my first son and then it took us a year and a half to conceive our twins. It was hard just for that 1.5 years.
A heartfelt conversation, thanks for sharing! I hope to adopt one day
Secondary infertility is a hard thing to explain to people who have never experienced it. While you are grateful and happy for the children you have, it is hard to deal with the unsatisfied desire for another child.
this is something I never had to deal with. My best friend did and It hurt my heart seeing her go through it
Wow, what a heartfelt story. I have that yearning from time to time, and then I think about the three wonderful kids that I have been blessed with in life.
I had secondary infertility too. I finally got my second son after 5 miscarriages. So we adopted my girl and I love her so much and am so happy with my family. It doesn’t matter how your family is made just that you are family.
Absolutely Dina! I agree 1,000 percent. 🙂
I read this with tears in my eyes. I have two amazing little miracle boys (one had heart surgery at 7 weeks and the other survived me having emergency surgery to remove his twin that burst my tube while I was 9 weeks pregnant). We’re done having children for health reasons, but I’d love another someday and it breaks my heart knowing we won’t. And I want to punch people every time they ask when we’ll “try for a girl”.
Oh Christina. I think that feeling is entirely understandable 🙂 I am so glad you have your two miracle boys. Hugs to you, Mama.
Sometimes we really can’t say it. I really feel that way, too, because we have four great kids, but there are six we don’t have here with us. Now I’m older, and it’s less likely, but there’s still the secret wish.
i know so many people on this journey. You are not alone, xoxo to you