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I want to vent about how some people judge a child without having any idea of what that child is going through. How they make comments or stare at a child, assuming they are just acting out and that the child is bad or that the parents need to do a better job at parenting and then the child wouldn’t act like that.
I want to remind people that they never really know what is going on. How they might think a certain behavior is acting out, but really, it’s something that a child can’t help.
But, I know that y’all will tell me that such people don’t matter. To ignore them because they don’t mean anything.
And, in my head, I KNOW this. I know that those people don’t matter. I know that they don’t have a clue what sort of difficulties my Bear has. I know I should say say screw them and just focus on what an amazing little guy my Bear is.
Because my Bear is amazing. I love him. I love him fiercely.
But, do you know what?
Sometimes I just want to stamp my feet and yell and scream that it’s not fair.
I want to slap someone who says something judgmental about my child.
I want to shake someone who dares to stare at my child when he’s doing something that he can’t help.
Part of me wants to try to explain it away. To make them understand that he can’t help it. To watch their expressions when they realize that maybe they judged too quickly.
But, then again- I don’t owe any of those people an explanation.
Not even a little bit.
It’s not their business.
What good would it do to explain? So that they can then nod their heads knowingly, give me a look of pity and superiority, and then rush to gossip with the other moms?
I don’t freaking think so.
So instead, I take a deep breath.
I focus on my child until everyone else is blurred away.
And I see his huge smile.
I feel his arms wrapped tightly around me.
I hear him whisper “I love you in my heart, Mom.”
And I realize that HE is the one who matters.
And that those who don’t take the time to get to know him- it’s their loss.
Amen! He really is the one that matters!!
Exactly!
Hey, thanks for the commenting tip – I needed that! (stupid blogger)
So true.
After my husband and boys' dad died, my oldest who was 4 at the time, had a meltdown on me more than once in a store. I mean kicking and screaming and crying because he wanted something and people were giving me the look like I had a spoiled brat of a child on my hands. But they had no idea what he was going through. I knew that fit wasn't about wanting and darn toy. It was about wanting his daddy back.
So sweet that he tells you he loves you with his heart. I know that makes you melt!
He is the one that matters, and he has a mother who loves him.
I can't tell you how many times I wanted to say "My son has Asperger's Syndrome, what's your excuse?" Then I remind myself they aren't worth my time.
People can be so mean and rude to strangers!
AMEN!
I feel like I should say more, but that about sums it up!
totally. my friend's son is a little wild when he gets around a group of kids, but he is great one on one. He has adhd and his father is totally absent in his life…plus, well – you know boys are more physical usually. It doesn't bother me that he is that way…but of course I know why. It helps me to not judge how other kids act thought.
As a mom to a bipolar who spent years undiagnosed I know this feeling all too well. It is especially painful when you are doing all you can to help them and butt heads with a system that doesn't want to label your child.
People are so dumb.
He sounds like a wonderful little boy 🙂
Oh, yes! Most certainly, Shell. Bear is who is most important in those situations and when he smiles and says he loves you… Isn't that just the best???
Don't worry about what others think… Those are the sorts of people that probably gripe when their ice cream is too cold. lol
BIG hugs to you and yours!
I don't think people really think when they judge. They just compare what in an ideal world people should be like. We are all fallen and all have tough moments.
Thankfully the world doesn't get to see most of mine.
People are so judgey. You've got it right Shell. Bear is the one that matters. I love that he said "I love you in my heart." Sweetness.
You are so right to keep your focus on your little.
These posts from you and other moms DO remind me though that there may be more than you know going on in any given situation!!
I hear you babes on the explanation issue. It's no one's business. I came to that conclusion too after a few rather painful experiences while trying to explain PKU.
Now I just tell the nosey nellies that we're a vegan family and leave it with that. That way they think that I'm the "weird" one. And as youngest gets older, it's becoming his topic to discuss when he wants, not mine.
You're doing great – forget the outsiders.
Great post! He is the one that matters (although I know it is MUCH easier said then done!)
Pre-children, I babysat a little boy who was severely autistic. The looks people would give, and the judgemental stares, were unbelievable! I'm sure if they knew why he was behaving the way he was, they wouldn't judge BUT they shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Some people!
Great post! He is the one that matters (although I know it is MUCH easier said then done!)
Pre-children, I babysat a little boy who was severely autistic. The looks people would give, and the judgemental stares, were unbelievable! I'm sure if they knew why he was behaving the way he was, they wouldn't judge BUT they shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Some people!
So very true. When my kids are acting out, it's usually just because they are being PITA's, but that's not always the case with all children. So many people are so quick to judge. I know I can be guilty of it from time to time.
You are such a good mom to focus on Bear in those situations! He is the one who will remember the love and support you are giving him in those moments.
I know it is easier said than done, when people are giving such holier than thou looks 🙁
Bear comes first and he always will!
great post. and, sadly, i'm guilty of thinking Bad Parenting. i try not to EVER display my thoughts on my face but that doesn't make up for the fact that i really do need try to remember that i don't know the whole story. i'm sorry for the looks you or Bear have gotten. 🙁
I know how hard it is to shut out their condemning voices and to ignore their disapproving stares. *hugs* No matter how much we remind ourselves that those people don't matter, it still hurts and it still makes us mad. Love to you – I know you'll always fight for him. And love to him as he endures his struggles.
my heart hurts thinking of you feeling those things. I don't think you owe anyone an explanation, you only need to love Bear, you do THAT so well. You're an amazing mom, someone other moms look up to (like me).
I hope that people start to see BEAR and what an amazing little boy he is.
HUGS
Oh how I can relate to this. My son has been diagnosed with panic/anxiety disorder. A disorder that may have manifested as young as age 5. On a few rare occasions he would have an episode while we were out shopping, or dining in a restaurant. All anyone else could see, he was having a full-fledged meltdown tantrum, when in fact the poor guy was in total panic mode. There is no way to explain that to strangers, nor did I even want to try.
Because of him I am much more understanding and compassionate toward other parents and their children. You really never do know the whole story.
Shell, you're always so spot on. I admit I was one of those judge-y people. And then I had a baby. Now that is a lesson in humility and grace.
Oh girl! It is so hard not to just go off on those judgemental people isn't it? Glad you could get this off of your chest.
🙂
You have written something I have thought so many times. My son has ADHD and OCD. I sometimes find myself introducing him and having to mention his issues in the same breath. (I hate to, but he is 12 and it is harder to just let it go). Thank you for writing this!
Oh Shell, I'm in tears. You are a great mama, and your son is truly all that matters. Xo
Oh, mama. Good post! I wish judgey people didn't exist at all. 🙁
You've got it right girl, just focus on you wonderfully, awesomely loved boy! xo
You are absolutely right. He loves you fiercely and you love him fiercely, and let me tell you that every time I see a child acting "oddly", I always think of Bear and you and remember I don't know what's going on. 🙂
This is such a great view. Thanks for reminding someone like me who is yet to be a mom to not listen to what others say.
My first time to join PYHO.
This is such a great view. Thanks for reminding someone like me who is yet to be a mom to not listen to what others say.
My first time to join PYHO.
Your story reminded me of this passage from Matthew 7:5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.
If only other people would look in the mirror before passing judgment on others.
It's only human to want to scream and lash out at those people who stare but you are the better person girl. You stand firm and lovingly smile and enjoy your little boy amidst the pain. You are teaching Bear and his brothers a valuable lesson. (hugs)
amen to that. I have felt the same way. This week i wore a shirt to the store that said "my kid is autistic what's your excuse" for the first time in years no one said anything mean to us. I did get some compliments and people asking where I got it. Sometimes the pressure of living with the child is hard enough we don't need outsiders to add their input
I don't blame you for feeling the way that you do. I would want to yell at ignorant people to because, sometimes, that's just what I think people deserve.
*Hugs* to you 🙂
So true! It drives me crazy when others role their eyes at Cate when she's melting down in public. Two of her most epic meltdowns were because her ears were pounding and she had a double ear infection (we were at Target filling her prescription). You never know someone's story– it's something I try to remind myself of when I'm tempted to judge.
There will always be jerks. The challenge is trying not to be one of them. A big hug to the Bear.
Judgmental people make me crazy. Most people don't ever bother to find out the whole story before they're rolling their eyes or making snarky comments (out loud OR to themselves. It's so hard but the best thing to do is what you're trying- keeping your head up and focusing on your son!
I am ashamed to admit (but will anyway) that before I had kids, I had no idea and thought that when a kid was acting out in public, his parents needed to correct him. And that my child would never act that way.
Now, I'm a parent of two. Two beautiful girls who have above average IQ and are fiercely independant (which I encourage wholeheartedly). They both have been known to have temper tantrum meltdowns in public, particularly if I've been a bad Mama pushing them past their lunch and naps for just one more errand. My oldest ran away from me in a store thinking it was fun.
And guess what? They are kids. I hold them fiercely close, listen to them whisper the same sweet words your son whispers to you, and get judged by other mothers who think they know better than I do how to mother my children.
Hugs and prayers to you and Bear that he grows up knowing that his Mama loves him and that he is a pretty awesome Little Man, and that's all that matters.
And to the others? Well, I pray for them and their children as well to get a clue and get a grip on what's important in life.
understood.
He is an amazing child…so happy and thriving, no matter what.
Those people who judge are pathetic human beings who are raising their own children to be just like them, sadly.
But your son will grow up to be open-minded, nonjudgmental and accepting of others. He will help make the world a better place someday!
Thanks for the reminder. It's easy to judge the behaviour of others without thinking that there may be a whole lot more to their story.
This post brought tears to my eyes. People need to learn to have a little compassion. They also need to learn not to piss off Momma Bear!
I'm crying. I can so relate. This was a beautiful post. You're so right, that it doesn't do any good to talk to people about it. They just don't get it!!!
Great insight! It really is best to try and step back from the situation to understand that the other person is simply making a judgement based on very little information. You know their judgements are wrong, and they don't define your little guy one bit!
You are so right. Hubby's nephew has severe ADHD – he's like a Gummi Bear after the Gummi juice half the time. Frustrating, overwhelming but God Love him he's the first kid to offer hugs or want to cuddle. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Every child is unique!
Beautifully said Mama!
You're an amazing mom, Shell! Bear is one very blessed little boy!
Some people are judgmental no matter what. You do not owe these people an explanation. Bear is a great kid and he loves you and you love him which is all that matters.
This makes my face :(, but my heart :).
I love this post! And relate to it on so many levels. <3 our babies…no matter what….As for the judgmental people..well, you know what I think. 😉
Gonna link up today!
People are so quick to judge. But you're absolutely right. HE is the one who matters!
"I love you in my heart"… That is precious!!
Amen! I'm so glad I read this today. I'm grateful for your wisdom through experience.
BIG hugs!! I can't imagine how frustrating that is. I would have a hard time keeping my mouth shut and not putting people in their place over something like that. Because I can't stand a judgmental person. At all. You're a strong one, mama. Your bear is lucky to have you! 🙂
If only people would not judge a book by it's cover. They just dont and can't see the sweet spirit that is in your sweet bear.
It's amazing how badly some people need to protect their own insecurities.
Judging is such an instantaneous reaction there's not much you can do, nor should your time be spent worrying about those who do it. He sounds so sweet and these other people are truly missing out.
You tell'em Mama Bear! He is the only one that matters and those judgy people can keep on making their own lives miserable by being the inconsiderate punks they have always been.
Way to tell them! I've been given unsolicited advice by many and I have just learned to look the other way. I know whats best for my child and that is what matters most.
perfectly said…
I totally understand when people are curiousa and want to ask about Brooke or another child, but to just stare and make snarky comments? not cool…not every child's affliction is visible…and what are they teaching their children? for shame
Kids so get it.
Shell you are so right. I know it must be so hard and I agree with you about wanting to always explain the behavior to someone else. But guess what, you don't owe them anything! Shame on them for staring or judging. You never know what is going on in someone else's family. I think you have it right and your priorities in order. Just focus on him and forget all the meatballs you come in contact with!
You are so right. I really dislike that people assume that it is their place to judge, when clearly, it NEVER is.
Also, I added your button to my post!
New follower here 🙂
When I encounter people like that, I try to reconcile myself to the fact that they probably have quite a bit of misery in their life, to feel the need to be so judgmental and scary. If we could all judge each other less and learn a little compassion, (especially towards children), the world would be a much better place.
I love your insights Shell. I have a child that is often judged. They have no idea what her background is.
On the flip side I think I fall into this trap too, more with moms. I start judging the people who I think are judging me. I've got issues. 🙂
You're so right; it IS their loss, and they SO don't matter. But I'd still want to curse them out. "You ignorant son of a….." comes to mind.
When I was still walking, I was often asked if I was pregnant, because the Muscular Dystrophy made me waddle and barrel-backed. Certainly wasn't my favorite moment as a teen.
It saddens me to know so many people judge others so quickly. Bear will show them up, one way or another, I'm sure of it.
And he is lucky to have you in his corner. I think sometimes it is not that people are intentionally stupid they are just sometimes so wrapped up in their own selves that they can't see the big picture.
I heart the 'love you in my heart'. Aww
Shell, you're absolutely right. And thank you for the reminder too. I know before I was a Mom I was quicker to judge. But now I think (I hope) I get it more. Your Bear is too sweet. I can't believe that little quote! I can imagine how it just melts your heart!
These are the sort of people I get into fights with in my head 🙂
And yes sometimes blinders to the rest of the world would be nice.
Ugh, people frustrate me so much. I try to remember these things when I feel myself get judgmental or classifying people. Unfortunately we all do it to some degree. It isn't until we are on the other end of it that we see how truly awful it is. Great post.
I stopped being judgmental when my fifth child was about three. What turned out to be autism was just absolutely uncontrollable and scary! We didn't know what to do or how to help him. Some people just turned away from us. My OWN SISTER suggested an institution for our sweet boy when he was five. They just don't understand…and they shouldn't judge based on that. I'm so glad you did a shout out on behalf of all of us!
Sandy
Before kids I was so judgemental…after three, two of which are twins, I am not anymore. I understand now that the moms are doing their best to hold it all together. I now know how one outburst does not define who that child is and what type of parent they may be. Bless you and your Bear.
You are completely right. The rest of the world is irrelevant. I can't imagine anything better than a little guy loving his mama in his heart.
Hang in there.
Perspective. You never know unless you've walked in someone else's shoes. Unfortunately, many people don't gain that kind of perspective until they end up in a stinky, muddy pair themselves. Loved your post, I should print it out and hand it to the onlookers with the disapproving glances!
There's just no way for anyone outside his closest circle to understand. What a shame they won't see what you see.
Yep, those of us whose kids have developmental, emotional, mental, sensory and otherwise "invisible" disabilities get "the look" almost everywhere we go. I have written about it countless times (I think I may have even "poured my heart out" about it on more than one occasion.
It still sucks. always. and saying something never helps, but sometimes the venting feels good. I REALLY did once answer a sourpuss on the bus who mumbled under his breath "Can't you control your children?" with "No, no I can't, you want to give it a try? You're welcome to it. And oh, he has autism, by the way, and probably won't understand most of what you say to him. Good luck!"
I just found your blog and this is such perfect timing! I really had something to pour out tonight so THANK YOU for providing such a wonderful linky for it! I can't wait to read more from you.
~Holly
Twins Plus One, Three Times the Fun
I'm sorry you are having to deal with that. I wish people weren't so judge-y.
And honestly, what child doesn't act up every now and then?!? Grrr…
I have to hang my head and say that I used to be one of those people…and then I started reading blogs and listening to people who are parents and I realized that I had no right. All children are different, all children have issues, just like adults do and if I can't judge an adult then I certainly have no right to judge a child or that child's parents. I think you are an amazing parent and people just need to mind their own business. However, I find that those who can't are unhappy in some way with their own lives and are looking at and judging you instead of "fixing" themselves. I'm just sorry that you have to go through this and I'm sorry that I used to be one of those people!
I so know where you are coming from. When Bailey is on his medication he turns into a whole different kid and we get stares and whispers he gets frustrated easily and he gets loud and hes hyper.. hyper all the time but the other is because of the meds. I quit trying to explain like you said he is all that matters anyway!!! Keep ya head up mama!
Yup – totally their loss!
Wow! So well said! I blogged about this very thing a couple of weeks ago. It can be so hard a times. While what other ignorant people say should matter. It does. It hurts.
Hugs!
This is such a gut-wrenching and tender post. Thank you for writing what I imagine was so difficult.
I'm so sorry that people are unkind to your son and to you. Nothing hurts me more than when someone is unkind to my child. I am glad you have your son to hug you and help make it better.
You're right that those people don't matter, but it still hurts.
You are so right about it.
I worked for a child justice organization for five years. And I impressed on the staff members that the most important thing they need to remember is that they must be able to look pass whatever crime the child committed, and see the child. Not the exterior, but the soul, however damaged the spirit might be.
I messed up when I linked up my entry. Please delete nr 46, that is a messed up link. Nr 47 is the correct one.
I apologize for that.
People are ignorant….you are an amazing mom and Bear is an amazing child. This was a beautiful reminder of what it important!
I agree that it's not their business. But their might be those people who truly didn't understand and don't mean any harm by judging, who would regret having judged if they knew. Sometimes I'm that person.
Amen sister!!! Bear is an amazing boy, and you are an amazing mom. Anyone who is too stupid to see it…SCREW EM!
Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
http://www.mawhats4dinner.com
Amen sister!!! Bear is an amazing boy, and you are an amazing mom. Anyone who is too stupid to see it…SCREW EM!
Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
http://www.mawhats4dinner.com
You are one strong mama, Shell. And that's all that matters. 🙂
You go Mama Grizzly! GGGGrrrrrrr!
You got it mama, he is the only thing that matters. Tune the rest of the noise out. xo
I always try and give the mom a smile, letting her know that I'm not bothered by it and that I totally know where she's at right now. I hope it doesn't come off as pitying or anything.
"I focus on my child until everyone else is blurred away."
That's all that matters…beautiful.
I'm finally reading this this week because last week I think I was on overload and saw it but never got to read all of your important words. I'm sorry that people are ignorant and stupid, and I am proud of you for being super strong and incredible mom, and for biting your tongue at their stupidity. 🙂 Much love!