Rita is a mom of four boys who blogs at Fighting off Frumpy so she doesn’t go crazy. (It may not be working, but at least she has a funny chronicle of her descent into motherhood-induced madness.) You can find her on both Twitter and Instagram as @FightingFrumpy.
It’s there. Lurking. Breathing down your neck. Every time you feed your kid a meal where ketchup is the closest thing to a vegetable. Every time you turn the channel to a mindless cartoon in hopes of getting just ten minutes of peace. Every time you pull a pair of your kid’s jeans out of the dirty laundry and scrape off that crusty patch (what IS that, anyway?) so they’re wearable. It’s there.
It’s Mom Guilt. And it’s real. And it sucks. And it will eat you alive if you allow it.
We mothers have so many modern conveniences – I mean, turn-of-the-century moms would have probably scoffed at the thought of machines that are able to wash their dishes and do their laundry. But despite having to do less manual labor, I think modern moms have it harder in other aspects. Because while moms of the olden days may have endured a few unsolicited comments from mothers-in-law and spinster aunts about their parenting, 21st-century mothers have the entire Internet to tell us we’re doing it all wrong. At our fingertips, we have scientific studies that prove – prove! – how much damage we’re doing with TV and smartphones and sugar and artificial colors and gender stereotypes and plastics and non-organic food. Put sunscreen on your kids because if you don’t you’re a negligent parent – but buy sunscreen without those harmful parabens because if you don’t you’re a negligent parent. Discipline your kids firmly because disrespectful kids are what’s wrong with society today – but don’t spank them because that’s just cruel. Oh, and don’t yell or put them in time-out either. Don’t give them juice boxes because they can be moldy inside – give it to them in a plastic cup but make sure it’s BPA-free. But actually, don’t give them juice because it has too much sugar and sugar is the devil.
… Say the experts.
See what I mean? All these studies and articles written by doctors and parenting gurus are floating around with captivating headlines like, “Ten Secrets to Perfectly-Behaved Children” and you can’t resist clicking on it because, well, your patience for grocery-store meltdowns is wearing a little thin. But it turns out that those ten secrets directly contradict the “expert” whose article you read last week. And then your brain is spinning and you feel like the worst mom ever and you start mindlessly shoveling chocolate into your face and wondering if 10:30 in the morning is too early to drink.*
*Or that might just be me.
Don’t even get me started on Facebook and Pinterest, where all we see are other moms’ best selves. Their best ideas. Their brightest accomplishments. It’s easy to fall into the comparison trap in a land where everyone appears better – more conscientious, more creative, more patient, more fashionable – than you. They might throw elaborate themed birthday parties or send their kids to school with organic, non-GMO lunches artfully arranged into pictures, but I guarantee you they have closed their kid’s fingers in the door or lost their temper or sobbed about their inadequacies into a carton of ice cream. Because just like your motherhood isn’t like the ones you see on Pinterest, neither is theirs. Real motherhood is messy and imperfect – I don’t care who you are or how many parenting “rules” you follow. For generations, mothers have managed to raise thinkers and do-ers, movers and shakers, and inspirational people … despite all the mistakes they think they’re making.
You’re doing okay. I’m doing okay. Let’s pretend we’re back in the olden days when Mom Guilt wasn’t a “thing.”
… Except I’m totally keeping my dishwasher.
Thank you for having me, Shell! I’m so honored! 🙂
Mom guilt sucks, but I always think to myself as my boys are chowing down on a Happy Meal that my parents fed me that stuff and I turned out ok.
Mom guilt sucks. In order to keep my sanity, I try not to compare myself to other moms and all the “stuff” they seem to do. We are the moms that we are and we should just be the best at that.
At the end of the day you just need to always do what you feel is best,You do not have to feel you have to compare yourself to anyone else.
I love her blog- thank you for the introduction to it. I agree us mothers really know how to raise great future leaders and citizens- we do wonderful work and work hard at it.
I’ll take mom guilt over disrespectful children any day! I just had to stand my ground with my 6yo being disrespectful yesterday, and felt horrible, but a disrepectful 6yo will lead to a rebellious 16yo if left unchecked.
Thank you for sharing this. You are so right that we all do feel guilty at times but because society imposes that guilt on us most times. Love your blog, BTW. 🙂
I know a number of people that feel this. The trick is to do what you feel is best.
Rita is so right. Mom guilt does suck. I find a little comfort in knowing I am not alone in it.
Wait so Mom Guilt is a thing??? Whoa! See I don’t have kids (yet) but I guess observing all these mom blogs and even my friends…I know the modern Mommma can be under a lot of pressure. There is too much internet knowledge and anything you do will make you a negligent mom. Please…just do the best you can and love your kids the best. Google cant teach you how to love from your heart! What did your mom do before their was a Google…most of us turned out ok!
Mom guilt is something I fight with every day. I work a little bit longer hours sometimes and I now travel for my job (on occasion, not a huge amount), but those times are when it hits the hardest.
Is it weird to say that I don’t have mom guilt? Do I have guilt for not having guilt? I think we’re doing pretty ok. Add another baby to that mix and call me again in 6 months… we’ll see.
I deal with this often in my own head. Then I have a heart-to-heart with my own mom and she tells me that’s it’s okay to have our own time and things or than caring for kids that we as moms should be proud of. But really, mom guilt is real and can really drag ya down.
Yes, yes, and yes! All of it. It totally sucks you in, and makes you feel like you need to be on your mom game 100% of the time.
This statement “Because while moms of the olden days may have endured a few unsolicited comments from mothers-in-law and spinster aunts about their parenting, 21st-century mothers have the entire Internet to tell us we’re doing it all wrong.” so true. I am soooooo over it. I am letting the mom guilt go…atleast trying to.
Thank you for making me laugh. We are all doing ok. One mom at a time.
Hear hear!! There’s no perfection. Parents have managed to raise kids for centuries
Each mom is perfect and you may be surprised how many kids think that.
Yes! Mom guilt is so annoying, but it happens. However you are right! We are all doing alright. Love this!
I try to remember that anybody that appears perfect really isn’t. None of us are and we all have mom guilt of some kind or another. It’s probably a good thing we do though. It shows we care!
I didn’t know that this thing exists. Mom guilt seems to be innocent to me but I know how it can affect many moms out there. There are just so many bad things that you can get from comparing. People would either feel good of themselves when they are better than others or feel bad about themselves when people are better than them. It’ll be better if people would just concentrate on improving and building themselves up instead of measuring their worth with the standards of other people.
The guilt is never-ending sometimes. It sucks when you feel your best isn’t good enough and the world is always judging you. I guess it’s important to remind ourselves that we can only do so much.
It is a struggle. I want the best for my son. Sometimes that means not doing everything he or I want to.
Mom guilt happens so much. I’d be lying if I said it never happens to me, because it does. It always helps to have a good support system around you and have moms help lift you up and encourage you. I find that helps with me.
I deal with mom guilt all the time. I am trying to get better about it
I love your writing style! Yes, i have had mom guilt for 11+ years now. You would think after that long you would just accept and move on, but nope, with each kid comes more guilt. I try to breath and take each day for what it is worth.
We would feel less guilty if the moms we know around us would be honest and say “Me too!” I get so tired of the perfect parent that doesn’t exist! I’m normal. I’m fine. My kids get three meals a day and sometimes one is ice-cream. SO what!
Mom guilt can be the worst! I know that we have to be easier on ourselves and to each other!
hahaha this is too true and funny at the same time. I try not to keep any mom guilt and it’s been working out great for me. I tend to not sweat the small stuff which is what really gets us.
I experience mom guilt all the time. My teens have a way of doing that. I know one day they will appreciate what a cool mom I am 🙂
I agree, lets do that. Mom Guilt no longer exists from this moment forward!
We all go through mom guilt at some point of mommyhood. If we allow it, it will consume us. I even find that moms bash other moms and judge them for not doing things exactly the way they do it.
And the mom guilt never seems to end. Even when you have adult children you look back and wonder if there was something you could have done better. It might even bother you more it you have an adult child with issues. You just have to remember that you did your best and you do not have control over every aspect of your child’s life.
Ahhh…yes. The mom guilt. I’ve experienced it many times and we do tend to beat up on ourselves way too much! I’ve done the scraping of the “what in the world is that” jeans in the dirty laundry. Or smell them to make sure they’re okay to wear, just ONE more time! I can just imagine my grandmother scoffing at some of the modern conveniences now a’days…but at the same time, I’m sure she’d have loved to have had them when she was raising HER own children!
There’s a little bit everyday. But if I didn’t have that bit of guilt, I would just be comfortable with my parenting and NOT want to improve. Thanks for this!
I know exactly where you are coming from. I have to remind myself to just do my best and filter out the “noise”. You can drive yourself crazy trying to follow all of the advice.
It is okay to skip the veggies every once in a while! Being a mommy is a challenge- we don’t have time for guilt!
Mommy guilt is terrible and I suffer from it almost daily. Its hard not to compare ourself to other people. It is exhausting
Words of wisdom from my MIL: Guilt is not real, it is used as a means of control and manipulation. Hence, there is no reason to feel guilt. Easier said than done! Great post 🙂
I get the mom guilt alllll the time. I tell myself all the time that I’m doing okay and don’t have to go crazy!
I that that society is such a lose-lose when it comes to parents. You have this group telling you if you do A instead of B you’re a bad parent but if you do what they say then the other groups will call you a bad parent. I personally feel if your kids are happy, healthy, are getting an education, and aren’t being abused then everyone else can buzz off 😉
I refuse to give in to mom guilt. I am doing the best I can and that is that!
Mom guilt over here… I’ve definitely pulled shorts from the dirty laundry lately.
When I had my oldest, I wanted everything to be perfect. Of course, I failed because no one is. I’ve also learned that children don’t care about so many of the things that we worry about. They just want to feel loved, wanted and cared for. That’s what they will remember, not how clean the house is, how much laundry we washed or even whether or not they had the latest video games/toys. Now, I cut myself slack, enjoy their smiles and laughter, and ignore the dust bunnies floating around.
No children here, but I hear my friends discussing mom guilt. Everyone needs a break!