Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

It’s Not Polite to Ask for More

things they can't sayMom, daughter, sister, friend. I spend my days writing other people’s stories and my nights with the most amazing kids a mom could ever ask for. Kansas girl by birth, city girl by heart, forever filled with wanderlust and a love of red wine. I tweet as @backtoallen, facebook and blog.
I feel like such a fraud.

I’m the newest Girl Scout troop leader at my daughter’s school. I signed on because she’s been a Girl Scout since she started Kindergarten. Other activities have come and gone; math club, running club, special chorus…the one constant was always Girl Scouts.

I kept myself at arm’s length all these years. I didn’t volunteer to help but I dutifully sold cookies. Ironed on patches. Paid dues. I tried to not remember that my mom was also a Girl Scout troop leader. My Girl Scout troop leader.

I tried to not remember that she was the leader who took us all to “camp” at the local Holiday Inn, and hid under the blankets with my friends and their flashlights as they asked her about periods and kissing and how to get a boy to like them while I hid under a tent of my own pretending to read a book, mortified that she was sharing such details with girls I’d have to face come Monday morning.

I resolved all that, though, because the only activity my girl wanted to do this year was Girl Scouts, and the troop needed a leader. Truth is, I’ll do just about anything to protect what I see as my daughter’s last year of truly being a kid. This is her last year in elementary school; next year she’ll go to middle school, where the eighth graders make out at their lockers. Where the boys have the beginnings of mustaches and school dances replace PTO movie nights. Where I lose control over knowing all of her friends and their parents.

So I pulled up my big girl panties, filled out the forms and attended my first meeting tonight. When I walked in, I saw this:

sign
To be fair, it wasn’t there for our meeting. The meeting took place in a church, and I have no doubt that there was a religion class of some sort there earlier. Still, it struck me as odd to have that as a backdrop as the ladies in charge talked about magazine and cookie sales. And it struck me as odd that I was shoring myself up to keep her in an organization that I hope helps her to be confident enough to ask for whatever she wants, in whatever quantities she needs, no matter who passes judgment and says she should settle for less instead of asking for more.

Isn’t it our job to ask for more? I know that I do; I ask for more understanding, more forgiveness, more kindness, more love. I tell my kids it’s ok to ask for more food, more advice, more books, more challenges, more collaboration. I encourage them to push themselves to BE more, share more, welcome more, give more.

As I sat there and thought, one of my favorite quotes: ‘what you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say’ entered my mind and I realized that despite how unqualified I feel to take on this role, it’s actually a gift that I’ve yet to unwrap. If I do this right, I have the opportunity to model for my daughter what I wish my mom would have modeled for me. Like so many other times in her short 10 years on this planet, without really knowing it she’s handing me a clean slate, saying ‘I trust you. Show me what you’ve got.’

Comments

  1. Um, did you write this just for me? Because it sure sounds like it. You’re not only a great mom, but a great writer who knows what to say, what women need to hear! Thanks, Lisa, for knowing how to use words and for being in my life! I will be stealing a few of your words and hanging them, permanently, around my head.

  2. Yep, it is definitely okay to ask for more! Having a thirst for more does not mean you spend your life taking food from the hungry or kicking the elderly out of their seats on a subway, it means you are confident enough to pave your path with goodness. Keep reminding us, Lisa…. the MORE we hear it, the MORE we will listen and the MORE we will get out of life!

    • Amen, Julie! I’m so glad we see it the same way! I want to raise a girl who knows that it’s healthy to express herself and to ask for what she needs; not selfish, like so many women my age I know were taught. Thanks for commenting! xoxo

  4. I was a co-leader and then leader for almost 4 years. The girls just started 6th grade (middle school) and no one could continue on. 

    I was a Girl Scout growing up and when I decided to start volunteering 4 years ago, I decided it should be with Girl Scouts. Leading my own troop was hard because I didn’t have good parent support/feedback. 

    But working with the girls was great! I look forward to doing it again if I have my own daughter 🙂

    • Getting that support and buy in is hard, Bailey. I’m seeing that already, but I also know that everyone is so busy. I just hope we’ll have fun this year, and that if the girls decide that this is their last year that they leave with fond memories and having pushed a boundary or two! 

  5. My daughter was perhaps 7 when a counselor at her after care called her greedy as I walked in. I asked what she meant and she laughed, saying oh, she always asks for more, like that explains it. How does asking for more equate to greed? To me, greed is like theft. It’s rude and unwelcome. But if someone is genuinely in need of more, whether it’s hunger or shoes or time or listening or empathy or medicine or love or what, if he/she asks, who are we to deny it if it’s within our means to give more? It is impolite to demand more, but it is certainly not wrong to ask.

    You’ll do a wonderful job as troop leader. I know it.

    • YES, Arnebya! I’ve known far too many adults who sound like that counselor and it’s so sad to see the joy (and maybe faith? I don’t know) fade as we become more concerned with how people will judge our needs than with how we can give more when our needs are met and we feel fulfilled. Thanks so much for the encouragement; it’s appreciated! xo

  6. Lisa Allen, I love you and I love this post so, so much. I hope that one day your wanderlust takes you to North Carolina (where you can come see both me AND Shell – yay!!!) and that we can talk about all of the things that we should only be asking for but demanding.  You go girl!  xxxooo

    • Oh, Ilene…I love you right back 🙂 North Carolina has always been on my list of places to see….so someday, friend. Someday. xoxo

  7. I think your right that it’s not wrong to ask for more. You now have the opportunity to not only be a role model for your daughter but for the other girls in the troop.

  8. Erin and her troop? ARE THE LUCKIEST GIRLS EVER.
    And? from knowing you and about your mom, I understand why you hid under the covers that night. But you’re gonna rock this. I cannot wait to hear more about it.

    That little sign? Is a BIG SIGN.

    And it’s one I probably  need to take to heart myself right about now.

    xoxo

    • Absolutely Leah….I’d never want to lead my children to believe they can demand or even expect more, but they can always aspire to more in their own way! 

  13. I love that you see it as a gift. I love that you are taking it head on. You guys are going to have so much fun! Next time I am asked to do something, I’m going to try and look at it this way.