Kate Canterbury is a layabout who likes to write. She if officially a blogger but is till waiting for Instagrammer to be a title. You can find her writing about sleep, food, beer, and kids on her blog The Guavalicious Life. Find her on EVERY social media outlet possible posting under the non de plume guavalicious. She doesn’t like guavas.
It was right before the girls’ fourth birthday when I realized that birthday parties were not going to be all fun and games anymore. Though I am so not a craft mom, unless you are talking Beastie Boys crafty, I tend to get my Pinterest side on when it comes to birthday parties.
So as we approached the girls party date I gleefully discussed details with a new friend who was having her kid’s party the week after ours. At one of our coffee dates I launched into the latest only to have her lean back uncomfortably and tell me that my girls would not be on the invite for her child’s party.
As I babbled on uncertainly about how I understood and she launched plans for a play date with the theme and goody bags (leading my husband to make snarky jokes about separate but equal,) my heart sank. When I called a friend with my fears that it was not about space, etc but about my kids specifically. In the kindest, gentlest voice of experience she told me that it was about my kids and the fear of the outbursts they would have.
After that, my friendship with the birthday party thrower changed irrevocably and eventually faded away. What didn’t fade away… my fear of birthday parties.
I have become one of those parents who cringe when parties are mentioned because I know my girls will never receive an invitation. I don’t know if the parents think their kids won’t mention it or if they think this is just one of those lessons kids have to learn. Or if they just don’t think of it at all.
What I wish they knew is that my kids are at the age where they hurt a little but that it crushes me . I hate hearing about talk of how much fun they will have at a party that they will never be invited to. I cringe when you mention a party in front of me that my kids are not invited to.
You may mean nothing by it but for me I wonder what it is about. Was there simply not room or was my kid left off the list on purpose?
We live in the age of trophies for everyone and cupcakes for all. And that indeed may be a culture of overpraise. But as a special needs parent, I live for the olden day parties of every one invited to a park. Because my kids would be there swinging with you. With an overly beribboned present in hand.
I even hate it when my older son mentions birthday parties he was invited to in front of my younger son. It causes jealous fights and always ends up being an issue.
Oh sweets. I am so sorry and that was kind of uncalled for if you ask me. i know she was trying to be honest, but yet it was hurtful I too hate the thought about my kids being rejected 🙁 you are NOT alone!
I do agree that as a parent it is never a good feeling to see our kids being left out or mistreated though. However, I am personally glad that it has gotten away from the “everyone has to be invited for inviting’s sake”. My two year old and other’s in our playgroup already communicate that they don’t want to go to a playdate if a certain other kid(let’s say his name is Chuck) is there because he is violent to them. So for my son’s birthday party I would never go against my son’s wish and invite Chuck so that he can feel included but leaving my son feeling uncomfortable at his own celebration.
It never feels good to be left out and nobody should ever be outright mistreated or abused but, in my case, the financial reality is that I wouldn’t want my kids to be invited to every single party given by every kid in their classes. I just couldn’t afford it. I also put a limit on the number of kids invited to my kids’ parties for the same reason. Their closest friends invite them and my kids’ choose those same close friends to invite to their parties. Their birthday should be what they want it to be not something they feel obligated to invite everyone to whether they are really friends or not.
Oh that just truly breaks my heart! I am so sorry and that just does not seem right at all
I’m so sorry 🙁 My son has autism and has been left out of many a party.
My daughter is having a party at Chuck E Cheese next month and we didn’t invite everyone in the class. However, I did not pass out invitations during class. I passed them out away from school grounds, on a weekend, to spare hurt feelings. I would never want a kid to feel left out. If we could afford it, I’d invite the entire class, but my daughter only has a few close friends.
Oh Kate, this hurts my heart. It makes me sad for any kid to be left out and I have fears of this happening to my son.
Oh, I so wish you lived closer to me! I throw several parties a year and everyone is welcome. We have all ages attend, and some have special needs. All games are modified so everyone can play, and everyone has the best time anyway. I wish more people would throw parties like I do. Your kids would certainly be invited to mine!
This breaks my heart. 🙁
I remember when I was about 10 I invited all the girls in my class to my birthday party sleepover. ONE of them came. They had all been invited by another classmate (except I didn’t get the same invite..) even though her birthday was 2 weeks later. The one who came decided to go to both and not sleepover at either. I totally commend her mom for doing that, now. I was totally hurt that no one else came and that I wasn’t even invited to the other party to know to schedule mine some other time then my actual birthday. Still bugs me to this day.
I have a Summer birthday, and hardly anyone ever made it to my party, because of vacations and camping and what not. It sucked – same for not being invited to others.
We’ve been telling our oldest that you don’t have to be friends with everyone in your class, and so she knows too that you don’t have to invite everyone either. One of their class rules is no giving out invites in class, unless everyone gets one. I think that helps a little. Plus, we constantly tell her not to talk about her party in class, so you don’t hurt other peoples feelings.
The hardest so far, is my four year old getting sad when my oldest does go to a birthday party. I just use that time for a “mommy and me” date with her!
Seems like there has to be a better solution. I am not sure what that is. I would hope that there would be a way to have a birthday part and include certain activities for all kids regardless of their needs.
I am so sorry. I hate this sort of thing so much – I’m a big fan of invite the class (or at least all of the preferred gender of the class) and only doing it through emails to parents. But this year my second grader really wanted to have his party at this video game place, and there’s not enough room for all the boys in the class, plus his closest friends from other classes. I feel like I should email the moms of the uninvited boys in the class to explain.
Wow, what a piece of work! I remember birthday parties where we would run the neighborhood with popsicle juice dripping down our arms and squeal with delight at dollar store water gun fights. Birthday parties are not and should not be that deep. I understand only inviting certain kids, but to set up a playdate at the same time was too much.
When we aren’t able to invite kids (for lack of space usually) we are very discrete with giving out invitations, and I completely understand your hurt for your kiddos. My girls usually get sad when one of them gets an invite to a party and the other doesn’t we have a great opportunity to tell them about how sometimes in life we won’t always get what others have.
I hate that this happens to anyone. My son’s first two birthday parties were filled with so many friends and family members – and any kids we could possibly think of. His third birthday party is going to be family-only, and as he gets older, we’ll make sure that we’re not excluding kids. That’s so hard.
What a completely insensitive thing to say. I can’t even believe it. What a shame all this leaving people out is. 🙁
That was heartbreaking to read!!! I’m amazed that your kids have friends to their parties, but then they don’t get invited back – I thought that was a given. Apart from being unkind, it’s just bad manners. Surely you return the favour?? I hope they get invited to a party soon, and more parties after that.
We’ve been excluded from parties simply because I have a boy & all of my friends have girls {and I’m not talking sleepovers- my dude’s 4 and the parties lasted an hour, with grown-ups} so I have had a taste of that. Even though it’s not the same thing, it hurts to see your child left out. If I knew you I would totally invite your kids, promise!
I hate parties too. And this was just so sad and wrong. 🙁
It might help to remember that nobody’s obligated to *like* your kids or invite them to parties — they are, however, required to be *polite* to them. This is what keeps the world from descending into anarchy and is the minimum requirement for fulfilling the social contract. Thus far, your girls have received what they’re *entitled* to.
(Before you had kids with special needs, would you have put up with the behavior your girls demonstrate? Would you have encouraged your non-SN kid to hang out with spectacularly destructive and difficult kids? I’m guessing the answer is an unequivocal no).
You might want to look into social skills classes for your girls – if they’re not picking up social niceties on their own, maybe a professional can get them to learn!
I am sorry you don’t like parties. You would like ours, we always have my daughters party at our local park!
Ugh I hate this.. I always try to be careful with parties and my kids period.. :/ 5 years a part it’s going to get interesting when they get older..
This breaks my heart. I remember the parties for all. They were a lot of fun.
Wow I’m shocked! That’s unbelievable! We always have our parties at home so all are welcome!
I’m so sorry and saddened to read this. I wish parents would be more sensitive about kids and stop the thoughtless behavior… I so get this post as I’ve been there too and it really hurts.
{{Hugs}}
We definitely have to worry about cost when it comes to parties. But, instead of locking out certain children (especially friends and school mates) we make plans where the price isn’t as much of an issue. Play at the park, backyard fun, etc. We hand out balloons or snack bags instead of expensive toy filled gift bags. Things like that. I’d never have a fancy party if it meant I had to pick and choose between my children’s friends.
That is absolutely terrible… that was obviously no friend of yours honey!
I hate when parents do that. I know that as a parent people want to be able to choose who comes to their parties and who doesn’t but those kids don’t realize the politics involved. All they know is that when everyone is talking about the party the next day at school that they weren’t invited to it. My heart breaks for your kids 🙁