My third as a newborn: I didn't get quite as much advice with him as I did the others
Do you know what I remember the most about my first pregnancy?
No, not feeling those sweet little baby kicks.
And not even how uncomfortable it was to waddle in those last few weeks.
It’s the know-it-all mamas.
Those experienced moms who looked at the girl expecting her first child and felt like they just had to share their wisdom.
About breastfeeding, diapers, sleep, baby gear, baby clothes, anything and everything.
And their advice was usually followed up with a very smug “You’ll see.”
And of course, I rolled my eyes.
Even though a lot of their advice turned out to be right(and some so very wrong- ha! Take that, smug know-it-all moms).
But, after having three of my own, I get it.
Seeing someone who is expecting their first and wanting to share what you’ve learned.
Even thinking “Oh, I wish someone had told me this before I had my babies….”
But the thing is, I probably was told all those same things. I just wasn’t ready to listen.
Or maybe I heard, but it didn’t really hit me until I was faced with a screaming baby at 2am.
No one really wants advice shoved down their throats.
So, I try to limit myself to sharing advice to when I’m actually asked.
Or if I feel like writing a blog post with newborn advice… because someone can choose to click away if they don’t want to hear it.
I didn’t want to be one of those smug know-it-all moms.
But, you know… my sil is expecting her first baby this summer. And as I was browsing her baby registry, I saw the baby carrier she wanted and immediately thought oh, a baby carrier is a great idea- my boys loved to be worn. Plus, I could borrow it when I steal that baby away for snuggles but still have my three with me.
But, that one she picked? Oh, it sucks. I had one like that with my first and it hurt my back. Plus, it’s not one you can use very long. I’ve heard much better things about another baby carrier, so I’m going to get her that one instead.
And even though I know I’m being a know-it-all mom, in this case, I can’t help myself. And I know that sil’s back will thank me for it.
Well, someday. If she can forgive me for being one of those moms.
Do you share your baby wisdom with expectant/new moms or do you keep it to yourself? What piece of advice would you give a new mom?
There is some thing I wish I was told before I had my baby. That the first breast milk you got might not feed a big newborn and that there is no use of trying to let him feed for more than 15 minutes. And that a newborn that doesn’t sleep might just be hungry. I learned all that the hard way. Now I have a healthy (still very big) formula fed 6 month old I I know that next time I will not wait to reach for the bottle.
Oh, the feeding! It would have been helpful to have more advice about that!
I definitely got advice from know it all moms, some of it was helpful. I hate hurting anyones feelings, so I would always listen to it. I did have a first time mom stop me in old navy and asked me about baby sizing and what she should get to start out with. Then I can give advice, I would rather someone ask me for advice then me tell them how it is.
Anytime I’m asked, I do love to share!
I think she is going to thank you for giving her a gift that won’t hurt her back.
I think so, too. Everyone I know who had the one she wants had a hard time with it.
I share what I know, based on my own experience (and I always preface my advice with that), only when I’m asked. I know all about the unsolicited advice and I don’t want to be in someone’s face with it.
Same here. For the most part anyway. 😉
I think the timing and delivery of the advice is a huge factor. You’re not a no-it-all by nature, so I’m sure your delivery is kind and loving rather than flavored with superiority. I think it’s those nasty moms and family members that leave a bad impression.
Oh yes- those ones who insist that you are doing it wrong.
omg im so sick of everyone giving me advice or telling me what im doing wrong now that i have a newborn…i think advice or wisdom should be given when asked. baby products may be a different situation that i wouldnt mind but when people start telling me not to pick up my crying baby it makes me so mad
You would think people would leave you alone since you aren’t a first time mom!
Great post, Shell. I sometimes can’t help myself, but I do try to keep my mouth shut because like you said in your post, they don’t really understand until they have the baby then I’ll be happy to give some advice when they seem desperate. When you are pregnant, no one will be able to get through to you on just how hard it will be. As for the carrier, I think she will appreciate the knowledge you have because people don’t really know.
I know I didn’t have a clue when I was doing my registry. I went by the most common names- if I’d ever heard of it, I went for it- b/c that was before I was blogging. 😉
I do, because as the first one in my crowd to have a baby, I wish I’d had someone to test drive all the products… I bet I had the same back-hurting baby carrier! Lucky you… praying for my sister to jump on the baby bandwagon soon… I need one to cuddle!
I’m so excited for a new little nephew. All my other ones live so far away.
She will appreciate it in the long run! Though she might feel a litle put out initially. I have to check myself especially on Facebook when all these newbie mommies post their baby status updates. Sometimes I start writing and then just end up hitting delete because really they don’t want to hear it.
Oh, I know! Or I limit myself to a sentence instead of going on and on!
I totally share! one of my good friends is pregnant right now. Instead of giving unsolicited advice, I asked her if she wanted me to look at her registry. She gladly agreed, and I went through it and gave her some tips. A baby carrier was one of them! She registered for one that is popular, but way uncomfortable. I didn’t use a carrier, but from advice I got from others, I knew which ones were good and which ones to avoid.
I wish someone had done that for me when I was pregnant. It’s hard to know what you really need when you’re a first time mom.
Most of the time I tell them to ignore what most people tell them. If I had listened to the moms at my first moms of multiples’ meeting, I would have probably escaped (alone) to another country just hours after delivery. It seemed most of the advice I got was delivered in a way that proved the other mom had won her battle stripes (which I bet she had). BUT, to a new mom, scared and hopeful, it can all seem too much. That’s why I just tell soon-to-be-moms to ignore most of what they hear. Make your own decisions, your own mistakes…your baby(ies) will be okay. Life will go on whether you buy x, wear y, or feed them z.
The negative is really hard to take. It’s hard- but telling a new mom all about the hard doesn’t really help any one!
I have a friend that is pregnant I wanted to tell her so much, but all I said was: “take it one moment at a time. Its easy to get overwhelmed.” I definitely didn’t want to be one of those moms
Now that’s good advice!
My advice is always the same: Do what works for you to get through it. You will nit scar a child for life by picking them up or letting then cry it out. You will have plenty of time to screw up when they are bigger. Babies=survival mode. I ignire those pretentious moms that seem like they have it all figured out because they done and they are liars!
That is always my advice to my friends. Then I make sure they know they can call me at any time to talk, listen, or cry. 😉
That’s some good advice. 🙂 I know my own 3 were so different that I really hesitate to ever say to someone oh, here’s what to do.
I love to share advice, but I usually wait until I’m asked.
A few weeks ago I was baby shopping for my cousin. I came across so many products and thought “Why the hell would you need that when you can just do X instead?” I voiced my opinion to my mom shopping with me, but don’t think I would actually say that aloud to a first time mom.
When asked, I’m hard to shut up.
First of all, being a “know it all Mom” doesn’t mean your a ‘good’ Mom. (Hate that! LoL) And second; I treat (giving or hearing) advice like gift giving.
Sometimes it’s the perfect gift; works well for you and your situation. Sometimes, you’ll want a gift reciept so you can take it back or exchange it. Other times, a gift card suits best. Let the reciepiant decide what’s best for them. Best advice, keep the reciept! (LoL)
Ha. I’ve had some advice I’d like to give back, for sure.
I think we all need that extra bit of help we just sometimes don’t want it. I had a baby carrier that felt like it was splitting my back in two. Of course it didn’t help giving birth to a linebacker. Oh advice TRY to go potty before leaving the hospital. I realize the thought of doing number 2 is not appeasing after birth, trust me, you want to go there.
LOL That advice might scare a new mom!
In this case I wouldn’t even think once of calling you a know it all- you just want her to have a good experience and I don’t think she will mind one bit. It is more of the people that tell you you have to do something one way that are the know it alls
Yes that it HAS to be this way is what makes me crazy. Especially knowing the same things didn’t even work for my own three- so how someone else thinks they have the magic answer, I don’t know.
Well…it depends on who it is. If I know em really well I might say something…? Later this week I’m posting what I recently did to my pregnant with twins SIL. You may want to slap me. I want to splap myself.
I can’t wait to read!
If I got one more bad look at the gym working out pregnant or grabbing a big fat coffee at starbucks…I was going to scream! I also ate lunch meat ::gasp:: almost every day. I did get some negative feedback on those three…but I never changed. 🙂
Ha. Can’t blame you!
I share if I feel its relevant or if someone asks but I know its different for each mom so I try not to impose. As for getting the better carrier – that’s not being a know it all. Its just knowing more in this situation and making the better choice.
I wish someone had bought ME a better carrier. LOL
sometimes I share advice, but not on how to be a parent or anything, but things I wish I would have known about, such as the nipple shield!
I think it’s a little less know-it-all when it’s just about products and not how to parent.
As it’s an area where I rarely feel I have wisdom to share (autism and similar disorders will wreak havoc on your parenting self confidence, as you well know) , when I DO have something, I just spew. (Not that anything has ever stopped me from spewing.) In this case, I bet she did the registry thing, where you go, pick with a vauge sense of “uh, I want one of those, and that’s the first one I saw”, and then hope for the best. Just make sure to mark the item purchased on the registry so it’s less likely to be repeated!!
I know that’s how I did mine!
I’m not sure I shared advice as much as empathized with new moms of multiples. Remembering the days of no sleep and the tricks I learned to feed more than one baby and how hard it was to roll over when my belly had three babies in it.
I try not to say a whole lot unless actually asked. Or if I comment at all- I try to be encouraging. Like the mom I saw last week who had three kids all close in age like mine- I remember those days. But another mom said “I remember them too and wouldn’t want to go back” Um, how is that helpful?
I am one who waits for someone to ask…I remember being the young mom whose ears fell deaf to unsolicited information being thrown at me.
So true. And even as our kids get older. It doesn’t really stop with not wanting advice when someone hasn’t been in our shoes.
I share advice all the time. I’m sure I’ve been accused of being a know-it-all mom at times. But I love receiving advice from more experienced moms. I’m always asking questions of them too. So my love of sharing is directly related to my love of receiving 🙂
I love to share it, too- but for the most part, I wait til I’m asked.
There are a lot of people out there that will give you advice…and most of the time it’s unwanted…but sometimes like you said it is right. I try to limit my advice to my friends to only if they are asking or if it really is something I think they need to know…such as the baby carrier situation.
It’s the random advice from people that bothered me the most- like as I was waiting in line at the grocery store.
I usually offer a listening ear if ever someone needs to talk. If someone asks for advice, I give it. But I don’t give it without that, because I don’t want to be one of THOSE moms.
I don’t want to be, either!
I really only feel the need to be a know it all mom to moms expecting twins. It’s so different from having one kid at a time, I know since I had one kid before my twins. And you get terrible advice from non-twin parents.
I wish someone would have told me to get a diaper pail that takes normal trash bags. I will buy a different diaper pail if the register for the genie. I figure I tell them my reasoning and they can return the one that they don’t want.
Oh, I think those things are a waste of money- after my first, we just threw them in the regular trash or outside in the big trash can if they were really bad.
I know I wouldn’t have a clue what to tell twin mamas.
I think it’s great when you can pass on that type of experience. She wouldn’t have any way of knowing that. How exciting to be having a new baby in your family…
Sandy
I can’t wait to squeeze him!
In this respect, I think it’s different. It’s an ITEM, not a way of doing things. I wish someone would have told me to get a Snap-n-go instead of a regular stroller. I wish someone would have told me to get a sit and stand instead of a double stroller. It’s not being a know-it-all, it’s knowing what’s a better product. So I think you are in the clear, my dear. 🙂
It is a little less personal when it products as opposed to how to parent!
In this respect, I think it’s different. It’s an ITEM, not a way of doing things. I wish someone would have told me to get a Snap-n-go instead of a regular stroller. I wish someone would have told me to get a sit and stand instead of a double stroller. It’s not being a know-it-all, it’s knowing what’s a better product. So I think you are in the clear, my dear. 🙂
When that baby is sleeping, you sleep! There is plenty of time later for laundry and chores. Sleep is most important and the only time you can get it right now is when the baby is sleeping. Speaking as a mother who survived TWO colicky babies…trust me sleep when they do. Shower with them in the seat or in the crib crying if you must. That is it. The rest will come. Because when it comes down to it, we are the mama and mama knows baby best. Best of luck to her.
Oh yes- sleeping when the baby sleeps. Plus accepting whatever help is offered. I tried too hard to do it all on my own
I’m a talker, so I usually share any advice I have with my first-time mom friends. If they want to listen, that is. I would say the best thing I could recommend would be to ask for help when you need it. I know that was hard for me, and I wore myself out with my first one. But when my daughter came along, I wasn’t shy about speaking up when I needed a break. It definitely helped ease the stress of getting used to having two little ones.
Yes- exactly. I thought if I asked for help, it would make it seem like I was a bad mom. When really- people want to help and every new mom can use a rest.
She’s a family member so I’d probably feel comfortable sharing, but with a stranger I’d likely keep my trap snapped.
It’s so tough to know whether to say anything or not. My SIL is pregnant with her first (firsts, actually, because she’s having twins) and I haven’t been overcome with the desire to share advice, but I’m sure there will be something.
I think it’s easier after the baby is born because there’s always something a new mom can use help with and she pretty much knows it.
I keep it to myself, unless asked a direct question.
But my husband? He is a know-it-all dad. He is the dad who chats with pregnant women in line at the grocery store, and gives them advice, writes down ideas, tells them out entire pregnancy story…in short, he drives them crazy. I just cringe and pretend I don’t know him.
Unless someone asks, no way I share! 😉
I think I probably give more unsolicited advice than I should. I need to bite my tongue more!
But as a mom of twins I definitely get asked a lot of questions…
I never pretend to know it ALL, but I definitely share a lot of my thoughts with first-time moms.
Ergo, I suck!
😉
Oh heck no….I keep my mouth shut unless asked.
If they are someone in my circle – and we have a comfortable relationship, I just say, if you ever need anything, want to talk, etc. etc. call me. And I add, “especially that moment when you think no one will possibly understand because it couldn’t possibly supposed to be this way…and they’ll think I am awful mom..” you call me then, because I will totally understand and Listen.
Haha I love that you are going to get her the back carrier that you like instead of the one she picked.
I rarely give out advice unless it’s been asked for
I would personally love all the advice I can get when my first one comes along…in the future. Everyone around me is having kiddos and I have 5 (6 in May) nieces already so I have ideas but it’ll all be different when its my turn.
I give advice, but only when prompted. Otherwise, I smile and nod and shrug A LOT.
My best advice is to trust your instincts and ask for help.
This post is SO true. I try really hard to not give advice unless asked but it is hard because I have experienced some pretty difficult things that I don’t want other people to have to suffer through, ie. my 5 year having sleep issues for years and not pushing the issue with my pediatrician. Finally did and there was a problem that needed medical attention. Not a big deal but still. Could have been avoided if I trusted my mommy gut. So I guess since if I try to bite my tongue in the real world, it is okay if I indirectly give advice here ? LOL. Just found your blog btw. Love it!
I loved all of the know it all mom comments. Okay, maybe I didn’t. 🙂 What really got me was the women who gave me advise who didn’t have children! Yep! You read that right. Women who didn’t have children giving me parenting advise. It baffled me!!! I try so keep my advise to myself with new or expecting moms unless I’m asked.
As a current first-time-preganant woman, I personally LOVE reading others sageful advice and wisdom. I do NOT however love hearing it face to face in lecture format. I know there are others and many who have come before me with wise words (and I loved your link), but I prefer to find it myself and not have it forced at me with judgement.
keep it coming ~~~
I hated getting advice. still to this day, i cringe when i think of some of the stupid advice i got….but what drove me nuts was hearing all the grand-moms saying “back in my day, we didn’t swaddle” blah blah blah…drove me nuts
– however, now i find myself giving advice… i dont think we can help it, as moms, we like to give advice…..
I’m so sensitive about advice now too b/c I just hated getting it when I had my baby. Unless I asked for it, of course. But sometimes some people made me feel like I was doing it wrong if I wasn’t doing it how they did. I try really, really hard to keep my mouth shut unless I’m asked or unless something is obvious. But yeah, there are times where I just want to blab it out all too!
I try to refrain from being one of those moms, but it’s hard not to want to help friends when they’re going through something you already went through. But yes, I do remember how annoying it was. But I also remember how right they were and how naive I was. It’s a fine line.
Your little one is so cute! Look at all that hair! How precious!
I was so clueless that i just copied a girlfriends baby registry – then was mad at her when i hated the stroller and she told me she did too 😉
It’s so funny that you wrote this, because my SIL just had a baby (it’s my PYHO post this coming Wednesday!!) I am trying so hard not to give advice unless I’m asked, but I’m sure I am, without even realizing it.
I blame the lack of sleep I’ve been getting 😉 (And her back WILL thank you. Carriers are something you should take recommendations for, seriously.)
I share if they ask. And the one thing I tell them is to be flexible. Must breast feed? Great. But it’s OK if it doesn’t work. Must never cosleep? Don’t beat yourself up if you give in.
I don’t give advice unless it is asked for.
I remember how annoyed/overwhelmed I was with my first pregnancy so I wouldn’t do the same to other moms. As far as products on the registry/not on the registry…that is fair game. Especially, like you said, you know from experience.
I too try to limit my advice giving only to those who ask. And when they ask, i always preface it by saying, “In my experience..” or “this is what worked for me…” because every baby is different and every situation/experience is different. But you’re so right – there are just some things that I can’t help but chime in on sometimes like the baby carrier or swaddling (and what I’ve found to be the best swaddles). For me, the piece of wisdom that I wish someone had shared with me was how long and painful post-natal recovery can be even if you don’t have a C-section. I think that there’s this expectation that you will be up and about and “normal” a day or two after delivery and that was so not the case with me!
Oh it’s so true! It’s like we can’t help ourselves!
(But we mean well, right?!)
You’re so sweet, Shell. I don’t think your sis-in-law will think you’re being smug…I think she’ll thank you!! I know what you mean about all the advice. I usually just keep my mouth shut, unless someone asks me specifically about something.
just tell her the one she picked was out and since you used that particular one you bought you know it’ll be fantastic! lie lie lie
I only give it out when I’m asked for it. But, to be honest? I’m pregnant with #4 now and I STILL get the unwanted advice from strangers and family members. You’d think that when they see 3 other little kids following behind me they’d realize I’ve done this a time or two before, right? Ugh. 😉
I do stuff like that too. Why buy something that you know is going to suck?
It eats me alive to sit on my hands (or I guess, my voice) when I know something from experience that would be helpful. I just try really hard (often unsuccessfully) to hold my tongue until they hit the frazzled new mommy stage and are ready to ask for advice/help. Then I let loose 🙂
I didn’t really have any interest in advice when I was pregnant because I knew how/what I wanted to do and since I didn’t have kids I was still in that ‘my kid won’t whatever stage’ but like you, some were right and some were SO wrong haha. Now, I try really hard not to butt in unless they ask or are getting to the frustration level with things but it’s so hard! I know that I wouldn’t have listened so I’m sure they don’t want to listen to me, we all have to live it before we learn it haha. And Nate, definitely does a lot of what I said he never would. ;]
I feel so very fortunate now to have a rolodex of know-it-all mommas to call on when I first carry. Hope it’s okay; I’ll likely come to you for a word of advice 🙂
And I think your SIL will thank you, too. It’s one thing (I imagine anyway) shopping for an item you might not really have any inside advice on and in this case I think it’s okay to express your reasoning for going with a different baby carrier.
OK! I admit it! I’m one of those know-it-all-moms!
At least I am on the inside. I’m successful at keeping my mouth shut about 90% of the time. It’s especially a struggle when you know that you KNOW something that you are afraid the newbie mom might not be aware of, and withholding the advice could affect the health of the baby or the sanity of the mother.
My latest struggle was with a new mom who frequently covers her baby’s face with a blanket while she sleeps. It screamed SIDS RISK FACTOR to me, and I thought that if I said nothing and something horrible did ever happen, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
Of course I did say something like “Did you know…” and she said, “Yes.”
I did my duty and she made a choice. Sigh.