Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

When You Know What You’re Doing

things they can't sayNicole, author of Sisters from Another Mister is a transplanted Brit cross South African, technically a lily white African American with an accent.
Retired marketing expert with the gift of the gab, capable of huge $ fundraising & penchant for decorating homes across the globe.
Offers unlimited advice in infertility, adoption, travel, parenting, and wine.
World traveling, liberal homeschooling Mama of two blog fodder providing cherubs by day.
Writer at heart. Tweeter by compulsion. Blogger by night.

 

There are days when I fail.
Complete and utter failure.
There I said it.
Altho sometimes its easier to pretend it is all ok 100% of the time.
It makes others feel better when you do that you know.
I can make believe it isn’t so bad and that I hold it all together.
No one needs to know about the tears shed while huddled on my closet floor.
Days where I really cannot do it all.
Not just the days of being a Mom.
But the days where I am trying to be Mom and Dad.

The parent, the disciplinarian, both the friend and the adversary.
The one who needs to bring the good stuff to the table,
but is bogged down by being the bad cop.
When there is only one to say get on top of your work.
The one who says clean your room.
Feed the dog. Pick up your stuff.
If you don’t get that done you cannot play.
I want to be the good cop, the fun parent.
The one who makes dinner reservations, never does homework, or laundry …
The sometimes parent – some even call them ‘Disney Dads.’

When the end of the day does not bring clarity.
But more of a hopelessness of the job that I am doing.
Seemingly alone.
Or honestly, not seemingly, but really alone.
So very alone.
Today I lost it. For a few minutes.
Just yelled, and threw things from a drawer.
My oldest wanted it to be specific …
Days of redecorating for her.
And my patience was worn thin.

I am not proud.
I sat on the floor outside of her door and cried.

But the hugs and the smiles, the night time kisses.
The I love you’s – oh how they melt my heart.
The shared laughter, the making of memories.
The shedding of old traditions and the planning of new.
Two little girls, who so quickly have become two young women.
By my side – watching them and drinking in these moments.

Each one missed by another. But not by me.
I know that I am so very blessed by these two gifts.
I would not go back change my life in any way for fear that they would not be in it.

But honestly … there are days … days like today when I am weary.

So very tired.
So very sad … some days I type as tears fall.
They say you should write when you feel raw emotion.
It doesn’t get more raw than when you wonder what the hell you are doing.
Or wonder if you can do it at all.
They also say … publish when you know exactly what you are doing.

When you know what you are doing.

I hope that day comes soon.

Fearing failure - Sisters From Another Mister

Comments

  1. TWO OF MY FAVORITE LADIES, right here. Two of my favorite smiles, and hugs too..in this space.
    Nic, you are so much more than you see, you are one of my greatest inspirations..as a mom, as a woman, as a human being.

    Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done (and that includes the soul sucking 4 years I spent trying to be a parent) and I’m not sure I’ll ever know what I’m doing..but what I have is a community, a sisterhood, a TRIBE of women with you in it to let my tears fall, wipe them and tell me to “GET UP GIRL, WE have SHIT TO DO”

    Love you and every word of this.
    xoxo

    • I love you … yes, we do have sh*t to do, and I need to remind myself that it is okay to wallow for a short while but it doesn’t do any good in the long haul. In spite of how hard it can be, each night hanging out with these two precious wonders, I know that I am right where I need to be – with them. Cannot wait to hug you again xxx

  2. This so breaks my heart… it really does. There are times that I read your words and wish that I had some words to offer you that would make you feel better, that would make the hurt and pain go away. The best that I can do is let you know that I am here to lend an ear, a virtual hug, and to let you know that I understand what you’re going through. 

  3. First of all, I love that Christopher Robin quote! I love reading it over and over — especially when I have days that I feel much less than my best. I think your words also ring true from time to time. There are always things pushing us to our limits, and it’s how we deal with them that build our character.

    • We have no control sometimes when it comes to what we have to deal with, but it really is how we choose to handle the events that make all of the difference. There is an expression about reaction … but I cannot remember it right now … Some days are just a little harder than others xxxx

  4. Oh Nicole I’m so sorry you are going through this. Parenting is the hardest job and there are days where I find myself at wits end too. I know I’ve said this before but every time I read your posts and words I picture your beautiful, smiling face. You are such a ray of sunshine and please know that your sisterhood on-line is here – always! XO

  5. I am not a parent, let alone a single parent, but I can relat ein a way. Life wears me out sometimes too, and so do thepeople arou nd me, yet I know I wouldn’t want to be without them. By the way sorry i f my comment is mingled, spaces are not typing correctly I think.

  6. I read something the other day about stopping the yelling and it made me think…

    Parenting is so difficult. I look back at the “easy” days when our babies were really little… no one prepares you for it, and it’s hard to not be hard on yourself. We tend to be hard on ourselves, but if you were outside looking in, would you be as hard?

    XO

    • I read an article the other day that said that yelling was just as bad for your children as spanking them and then I felt even worse … so many pressures today to do what is right, or go the extra mile or get ahead …. and some of us are just treading water!

    • I look at my oldest and she is about to turn 16 in January … and all I want in life is a do over.
      Another go, with a different outcome in life perhaps … but instead, I continue on, grateful for the lovely young lady she is, and that I get to be the one to raise her.

  8. Parenting is so hard sometimes I just want to throw things I get so tired but at the end of the day after everything I still get the sweetest I love you’s. Loved this post

  9. I know that you feel so alone right now, Nicole, but gosh you just struck a chord with so many Moms who share your struggles and your pain. As much as this tugged at my heart, it was beautiful to read. Thanks so much for being brave enough to share this.

    • Thank you for being here and sharing your support … its the words of others, the reminders that we can get thro, and move on … that help in it all. I feel as tho need to write to get it out of my heart, but sometimes you wonder if it is too much you know …

  11. what a beautiful post- and so heartfelt. it can’t have been easy to write, although i hope it was a bit therapeutic for you <3

  12. Oh lovely Nicole, I am so sorry you’re going through this right now. I wish it could be easier for you, that you could indeed be the fun parent. But you know what? You are teaching your girls to be strong, and you’re teaching them to be human, and in the long run it will make the three of you stronger than ever. xoxo

    • Yes, the humanity side … trying to be honest with them about what is going on so that they do not get blindsided again … should not be this way, this was so not the life I had envisaged for them.
      am so blessed to have the friends here that I do … wish my girls had this support group too …

  14. I could have written this. My man is gone 90% of the time for work. I’m bad cop, meanie, enforcer, drill sgt., public relations, taixi cab, personal assistant, cook, cheer leader etc all by myself. When he’s here? He’s tickle monster with gifts and take out.

    It only bothers me when I feel like I need a team-player or some relief (comic of red cross).

    You’re not alone. You needed your comic relief and red cross mayday earlier. It happens to us all (with and wo a team player).

    • Traveling parents make life hard too … before he left, he traveled a great deal .. so in essence for the girls it has not been a huge change time wise, if that makes sense … but the stability, the knowing … that is gone, and that has shaken them 🙁

  16. My sweet friend, with the stuff dealt this past year, you are doing better than you think….even on the days that are full of tears & you don’t feel like getting out of bed. Day by day, step by step. Always here for you- no matter what.
    xoxo

  18. You are not alone.  There are so many that hide behind the words you just wrote, they are thanking you for writing these words.  Take it in small steps, plan the little things to get done then you’ll be surprised when you turn around they all added up to a big thing.  Being both parents is hard, but if anyone can do it, you can.  Hugs and kisses to you myfriend.

    • Oh my dear friend, seeing you here … and remembering that the first time I met you was 20 years ago … at my wedding. Who would have thought that this would all transpire … somedays I wonder if I will just wake up and it will have been a big nightmare and a grand warning to not take things for granted … sigh.

  19. I’m not a parent, so I can’t fully understand what you’re going through, and I’m not going to insult you by pretending that I do. I applaud you for being so raw and open with your emotions in your writing; that’s a hard thing to do.

    My mom raised my two sisters by herself before marrying my dad and having me, and even though things were really hard, she did a wonderful job. She admits now that she felt like a failure almost every day because of the fact that she couldn’t be both a mom and a dad for them. But even though they didn’t have a traditional upbringing, they couldn’t have asked for a better one. Hang in there and be as much of an encouragement to yourself as you are to others. 🙂

    • Thank you Casey, your Mom must be proud at all she accomplished alone … and having you recognize what she went thro must mean a lot to her. It is tough, and it is hard … but there are many way less fortunate, and I just have to keep that in perspective. It is important to share, so others can maybe not feel so alone … I hope …

  20. My sister is a single parent and I see her go through these same type emotions.  She struggles being both mom and dad and I don’t really know how she does it.  I love the quote and I will pass it along to her.  I am sure she could really benefit from reading your post and the quote,  Hang in there, raising a family is hard for all of us.  Lean on the people that can both understand and just listen if thats all you need at the time.

    • and support comes from all over … I hope she has great people that have her back too. Altho she has you, so she is lucky … it is hard, and every day you wonder if they will be ok, or damaged in some way by the wrongness of it all … but we carry on, because we have to.

  21. Oh, my friend. I just wrote about this same thing except I called it Crabby Mommy because that is who I have been. I can only hope that when we have days like this that we can cling to each other and know we aren’t alone and that tomorrow is another day. I am always the bad cop. Always. Dad says yes to everything and I spoil all the fun. It makes me want to throw in the towel as well.

    • The good cop/badcop … I think that most Moms go thro this since they are usually the ones who spend the most time with the kids even if as a couple you are still a couple.
      Some days are harder than others… then there are the days that just slay me. Thankfully there is wine.

  24. It’s horrifying to admit, but I have yelled myself hoarse in my days as a mother.
    I’ve also loved so hard it felt as if my heart were exploding.

    Fortunately, what they remember is the heart. The hugs. The love.
    They remember that you are THERE FOR THEM and honest and human.

    And they learn that even when THEY fall apart, you’ll put them back together.
    Piece by piece.

    XOXO

  25. Thank you sweetness, are you sure you don’t want to move to Fl … oh the hugs, the friendship .. the wine.
    Yes, feel like Humpty Dumpty myself lately, so very broken and not so sure that I can be put back together gain … then have friends, like the friends that showed up here … and I have renewed faith.
    But my girls … oh they make me so very proud xxxx

  26. Thank you for sharing such a moving poem and quote. I’m reminded of my current challenges in my life which include my chronic health problems that are a constant battle on a daily basis. There are some days and nights where I feel I might not make it but somehow I do. All I can hope is that after this big move that I will be able to pick up the pieces of my life and try to put things back together. This includes finding more ways to get better and heal many areas of my body.