Jenna Farelyn, author of the blogs The Frelle Show and Made More Beautiful, has been a fan of all things social media since 1993. She lives in suburban Raleigh, North Carolina with her four children, loves her music loud, and her coffee cream-and-sugared within an inch of its life. Jenna and her boyfriend, The Viking, are currently writing a non-fiction book together. When she gets a few moments to herself, she enjoys photography, reading romance novels, and binge-watching TV series on Netflix.
I don’t know if you’re like me, but there are scenes from my life that I’m sure I would go back and handle differently if technology ever gets its act together and produces a time machine. Stop for a minute and try to think of one of those moments in your own life. I bet there’s one that jumps right out at you. Me too. I’ve made some bad choices that, even at the time, I knew were bad. They come to mind first. However, there are other choices like the one I’m going to write about here that seemed totally safe at the time, but ended up having absolutely disastrous unforeseen consequences.
I ran a couple of errands early one Friday afternoon about four years ago, and left my two younger children in the care of a teenage babysitter. Kate (not her real name) was someone I had known for several years and had proven her capability to care for my kids both while I was home and while I was out. I ran errands a few times a week while she stayed with them, and I was completely comfortable doing so. This particular day was a day like any other day, really.
Monday morning comes around, and my toddler son and I settled down on the couch after returning from Smallish Girl’s preschool drop-off. The phone rang, and I saw that the caller ID read: Child Protective Services. The bottom dropped out of my stomach as I considered whether or not I even wanted to answer the call, assuming my worst fear as a mother has finally been realized. I decided to answer, and was informed that an anonymous caller had reported me to CPS for neglect on Friday.
I can’t begin to explain to you the slow moving horror that washed over me as I listened to the caseworker tell me that Little Fella had gotten out of the house and was riding his Batman big wheel in the street, unsupervised. The anonymous caller had approached my son and asked him if I was at home. He said no. It’s true.. I wasn’t at home. But my babysitter was! Unfortunately, nobody asked him that question!
The caller admitted that they had LEFT MY CHILD IN THE STREET, gone back inside their house, and continued to observe him until they saw my minivan pull into the driveway. They assumed, based on the answer of a toddler, that I had left him home, and outside, completely unattended, and called CPS and told them as much. The caller said that my children were outside unsupervised in the road all the time, nearly hit often, and that the other neighbors had learned to watch out for my kids because I didn’t. The caller also stated that a city police officer had talked to me on more than one occasion about the neglect of my children.
It’s hard to describe the mixture of emotions I was feeling, hearing these accusations. I was ashamed to even be having this conversation, but I was also filled with a brand new, previously unexplored level of rage at this faceless coward who had left my son in the street just so they could nail my ass to the wall. I became very defensive with the caseworker, and said “Can you repeat the part where the caller admitted that they left my 3 year old son in the street? The neglect on their part is even more obvious than me not being home to ensure that my babysitter was watching my kids!”. The caseworker had nothing to say on the subject, of course, as the caller was anonymous and could not be followed up with.
I was livid.
The truth of the matter was that my babysitter was in the house with my preschooler when the observation by the neighbor took place. At age 3, Little Fella was testing the escape artist boundary on a regular basis, and the sitter absolutely should have been watching him more closely. But the caller ought to have had the common decency to knock on my door, stick their head inside and yell, or chosen to take my son into their house for safety’s sake until I came home. IF there was genuine concern for his safety. But no, there wasn’t. This was just the golden opportunity that the caller had been waiting for.
The caseworker came to my house to visit with me in person a few hours after our phone call. He mentioned that he had been to school to talk to my two older kids in the interim. I wasn’t prepared for that, and I was shocked at the invasion of my family’s privacy without permission, but was told it was just the way their office does things. My 10 year old and my 7 year old both admitted (in separate interviews) that their little brother did try to get out of the house a lot, but that someone was always right behind him as soon as they heard the door slam. Apparently the getting out repeatedly was the big issue, because it corroborated with the anonymous caller’s assertion. My daughters denied the accusation that they are allowed to play in the street alone, and defended my supervision of them while playing outside.
I feel like the caller must have been the kind of person who sat in her front room, watching my house in sick, twisted anticipation just to see what might happen. I have four kids. I’ll be honest, sometimes it got a little crazy, but I’ve never let them run wild in the yard, much less in the street. I’ve never been the type to just open the door and say “Shoo! Go play!” while I get housework done or cook or whatever… You’d find me in the backyard, or on the deck, or on the front porch, or right in the middle of things with them. At the time, we spent most of our time in the house, or away on playdates at the park, or in the back yard. So there couldn’t have been that much to keep this woman entertained.
And I have never been approached by a police officer about the care of my children. Ever. Not even one time.
I have reason to believe that the caller was my across the street neighbor. About a year before this incident, Little Fella ran out of the house and into the street and Oldest Sister ran out to grab him. I was in the shower and didn’t know he’d escaped. This neighbor came out of her front door screaming at my oldest and told her that one day, the police were going to come and take the kids away from me. If she had ever actually been concerned for their safety, I would think she would have come to talk to me, yell at me, do something. But clearly, she’d rather just sit in judgment, waiting for the right time to make a call to the authorities.
After the initial home visit, there was a safety plan I was sent in the mail and required to sign. It included the following:
1) Kate was not allowed to babysit Little Fella
2) Kate was allowed to watch the girls for short periods of time
3) All my babysitters must be at least 16 years old, and if babysitting in the evening, they have to be 18
4) Required to obtain and show proof of better security installed on the doors to the outside.
The letter attached to the safety plan essentially told me that If I failed to adhere to this agreement, and they found out, that life would be very difficult for me. I complied with the age range for babysitters after that, and I did have a latch installed high up on the door. At the time, my ex was unwilling to go so far as to put in a deadbolt. And I solved the problem of the kids going into the street by essentially banning bike riding unless I knew the lady across the street was not home, and all other play happened in the back yard or away from the house. I didn’t want to give her the opportunity to make another call.
To be honest, the whole incident left me traumatized. At the time I was in the midst of some serious post-partum depression, as well as beginning divorce proceedings with my ex. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and terrified of doing anything that might even look like I was not following the safety plan agreement. That led to some general paranoia, panic attacks, and approximately a truckload of anger toward the crazy neighbor lady/nameless, faceless coward that reported me
If I could do it over, the choice I would have made that Friday was to stay home. But you and I both know that it’s pretty likely that there would have been some other incident, some other day, where the meddling neighbor would have found an opportunity to call me in. People who are willing to frighten my children by telling them she will see to it that they get taken away from me, and who leave toddlers in the street.. they won’t give up until their perverse sense of justice is satisfied.
That nasty neighbor lady moved away not too long ago, but I continue to secretly hope that karma pays her a visit one day for what she did to me. I know the sense of superiority and vindication she probably felt as the “better mother” and “model citizen”, and truthfully, she was being horrible and cruel to an already overwhelmed and distracted fellow mom. I feel like there should be a special place in hell for women who treat other women that way.
To those overwhelmed moms who have Mrs. Judgy McJudgerson for a neighbor, my heart goes out to you. If you’ve ever found yourself in a similar position, particularly if you’ve kept it to yourself and never told another living soul, I hope hearing my story made you feel seen and understood. As a mom who has had Social Services called on her, I look for opportunities to encourage visibly struggling moms, and you won’t catch me assuming the worst of anyone who confides in me about their worst day as a parent. I’d challenge you to do the same if you’re tempted to jump to conclusions about someone else’s situation. We’re all really just trying to do the best we can. The world would be a better place if we could learn to look for more ways to extend grace and compassion and stop tearing one another down.
Wow, well at least she moved away! Karma will definitely be back to bite her in the arse! It truly “takes a village” to raise a kid. Mothers do a great job at hiding it, but we’re all battling something. A little compassion can go a long way!
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. It was hard, and has had a lasting effect on my parenting.
Wow. I seriously cannot imagine how this must have felt. I would have been absolutely furious, and like to imagine I would go up and down my street knocking on doors until I found out who the caller was. I can so sympathize with the feeling of paranoia that you could do even the slightest thing “wrong” as a mother, especially when going through a divorce and suffering from PPD. I’ve been there on both fronts and it is awful and makes those difficult situations so much harder. Karma will bite her one day, I am sure!!
Thanks so much for your comment! Yes I was so sure it was her that I didn’t bother asking around, but it was a horrible blow to my psyche in the midst of an already difficult season in my life. I appreciate your kind words.
That is so awful. I am truly ashamed for that neighbor lady. Thank goodness she moved. If not, I think I would have had to move to get away from her. I hope you know you did not deserve this.
Thank you so much for validating me and taking the time to comment.
Oh I am so sorry this happened! I have a good friend that has a judgy neighbor that did a similar thing to her and I saw the drama and pain it caused.
And as a formed child protective service worker, it honestly surprises me that they made you go through all those steps and opened a case after the interviews and evidence. From a former worker though, it is a very hard job and hard to know when and when people aren’t always telling the truth. We see a ton of really awful things happen to kids so we do have to do what we can to ensure kids are safe. I hate that my job even had to exist but sadly it had to for countless number of kids. I am also more than happy that I am “retired” from my job as I did it before I had kids and think it would have been even worse after as I would have wanted to never allow most of those kids to go home after seeing what happens to the ones that we had to remove (which most we did not- most stayed at home).
I really appreciate your reply as a )retired) professional in this field and your validation means a lot to me.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. What a horrible person to leave a child in the street and then make a bogus complaint. As I’ve read some of these stories it makes me unbelievably angry. I taught in a very bad neighborhood and I called CPS for real neglect. No case was ever opened. I was told that there was food on the table and the house was safe so there was nothing they could do. What?
I agree that it’s ridiculous to have essentially wasted the time of the professionals when real cases are out there. And for the neighbor to have left him in the street was insane but showed her motives clearly. Her revenge was more important than the safety of a child.
So sorry this happened to you! I read somewhere recently that it would be nice if we would put the energy we use judging into actually offering assistance. Make connections and have compassion. I hope your life is filled with more people like that than that neighbor (and so glad she moved away!).
Thank you for your kind words and I’m so glad I moved even before she left the neighborhood.
I’m not sure I have the words to say in response to this that would clearly convey how high my blood pressure is right now. First, I understand child services needs to investigate every call. If they didn’t the “one” call the passed on would be the one where a child was being abused. BUT, I think they went overboard with you. Can you imagine where every parent would be if they had to go by those same requirements? Some anonymous caller, an interview with your kids without your knowledge and a call with you completely upheaved your life and the life of your kids. I think we’ve all dealt with an escape artist on one level or another whether it was out of a high chair, out of a crib, or out a door. That the woman across the street did such a thing not only makes me furious with her, but I pity her sad life. Very pathetic and one day she’s going to realize how neglectful she was and that what she did was horribly wrong, even though she has no idea how terribly it affected you. I’m just glad she’s gone. I hope you guys can breathe a bit easier these days.
Thank you for your anger on my behalf. Seriously. It’s really validating and makes me feel better about having shared this. I do hope karma comes her way and she thinks about this particular bad decision when it does come around. I still really need to forgive this pathetic woman for her actions because it drives my blood pressure up just thinking about it, it truly damaged me to carry this shame and paranoia and ugly stuff. Your comment meant a lot to me, thanks for taking the time.
I am so sorry this happened to you! 🙁 As a homeschooling mom, I have heard of some very similar stories happening to moms in our state because the neighbors didn’t approve of their decision to homeschool or just thought the kids were outside unsupervised/being neglected/whatever silly reason. It definitely makes me rethink any judgments I may/might have had about other moms. Compassion & support go a long way! Thinking of you & sending good positive thoughts for the future! <3
Thank you for reading and commenting, I used to homeschool as well but with year round schooling here no one really questions kids being out so that helped a lot.
Holy crap, Jenna. I had NO idea. This makes me so furious on your behalf, and the fact that she’d rather take the time to get you in trouble rather than protect the child in the street is so very VERY telling.
I’m sorry this happened to you and your family.
Thank you for your comment and for promoting my post! It really was eye opening that the caller would put a child at risk just to hurt the mother. Too many people are like this and not worried about what isn’t really “their responsibility” and we all need to get back to the sense of community and watching out for one another.
This is awful. Every mother’s worst nightmare, indeed. I’m so incredibly sorry you had to experience this.
Thank you for reading and commenting, I really appreciate it!
I am so sorry this happened to you but thank you so much for writing about it. I, like the others who commented, can not even fathom why your neighbor would leave your little one in the street and not make sure he was okay. Also, why not talk to you and see what is up? What a horrible nightmare to go through. Again, thank you for sharing something that could really happen to any of us. .
Thank you for your kind words. You never think it could happen to you. And it’s sad that stories like mine have to make people aware of the Judgy people in their life and the destructive power they have.
I can totally relate. I have had DCF called on us several times. The anonymous callers made up all kinds of false accusations like we let our kids run around uncared for in clothes stained with dog feces. The process is always humiliating and traumatizing. Anyone can call and say anything; they are protected while I was assumed guilty.
Am I an overwhelmed mom? You bet. I have two special needs children, a husband who works on the road and I’m handicapped. So my house may be messy, but that doesn’t mean my kids are in danger, for goodness sake! What really sucks is knowing there is somebody in my orbit that hates me enough to do these things to my family and that I’m helpless to prevent it from happening again.
Thank you for being brave enough to share this. It made me feel better.
Praying for you and sending endurance and protection against stupid idiots who want to just make your life harder. Thank you so much for commenting!
This happened to my sister (one of the best moms ever). She had to fight it in court. I’m so sorry, Jenna. You are so brave.
You’re sweet for saying so and I’m sorry your sister had to fight stuff like this in court, people are ridiculous.
I have had the same thing happen to me. It was over ten years ago, three of my five children are now adults. The trauma does not go away. I still don’t let people in my house EVER because I am afraid that they will find fault and report me again. My youngest does not go outside unless, not only someone is with him, but someone is visible to the neighbors. I have told my kids to not give too much information to neighbors (this is because my daughter, then seven, went to have a sleepover with a neighbor and said she didn’t have a toothbrush which was interpreted to mean she didn’t own one rather than what she actually meant was that she forgot it). I am still always looking over my shoulder. I rarely go outside for extended periods of time or socialize. In my mind, anyone might report me at any time for anything that pops into their heads.
I feel you, and I’m sure I will carry behaviors that are fear and paranoia based for a long time as well. I’m sorry you know how this feels. Thank you for commenting,
And then there’s the article in our news paper a week or two ago about a 4 year old who died from injuries related to abuse. This is after at least 3 years of multiple people reporting suspected abuse including the daycare and preschool. Most of the reports were dismissed despite physical evidence.
Wow. I have no words to describe the anger I feel toward our justice system when it comes to abuse and neglect of children…You get put on “probation” and have your world torn apart for something so simple and stupid that happens to ALL mothers, and this 4 year old DIES because of KNOWN physical abuse.
I appreciate your anger at the injustice, and I agree with you. Thank you got taking the time to comment!
Wow, I can’t even imagine this! It definitely makes me think twice about letting my 3 yr old run a few laps in the front yard with the dog while I put groceries away. Although truthfully our neighbors make fun of us for being overprotective and locking our doors unnecessarily, so I can’t see any of them calling us out.
Here’s hoping Karma will pay your former neighbor a visit. Hope things are going better for you now.
I hope karma gets her AND she’s reminded why when it happens. And yes things are better since that particular woman is not in the neighborhood. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Wow. As a former social worker I understand how every complaint has to be followed up. I rejected some jobs with NYC as I never wanted to be the supervisor who had caseworkers who didn’t do their jobs.
That said–you ask a few questions–I could never ask a child a question without their parent in the next room but that’s me. Before you finish hearing the answer to the first question you know. There’s a look in an abused or neglected child’s eyes you never forget. But sometimes there isn’t, It’s still not hard.
Your babysitter was being neglectful–that’s easily rectified.
It’s your neighbor that would have set off alarms in my head. I doubt she had reason to fear you–physically or verbally. So why make a call and not give her contact info? I would be glad to–it shows I’m serious. Unless the people I’m calling about are visibily abusive, have guns they’re not afraid to use, are drunks or drug addicts–there is nothing to fear from giving a name and a lot of good can come of that
The ramifications can be long lasting but they don’t have to be. Keep writing about it–that really helps
I am so sorry this happened to you, dear friend. I had CPS called on me one when my son was young, but it was the doctor’s office that called–not a neighbor. My son was a preemie and we “missed” an appointment so the doctor’s office was I guess legally bound to notify any at-risk children missing appointments. I don’t know the whole reasoning. But the truth was that I had rescheduled the appointment, but the doctor’s office failed to take that into consideration. I didn’t receive a call–I received a home visit and I wasn’t home at the time. So I came home to find a CPS business card stuck to my door with a note to CALL. My nosey Judgey McJudgerson neighbor probably saw that and had her concerns confirmed that I was a neglectful mother. It was stressful and annoying and I was so angry that I stopped seeing that pediatrician immediately and found another one.
I know that CPS is to protect the children, and I want them to do their job. But it’s still quite stressful, especially when we already struggle with wondering whether we are doing the best for our children that we can and keeping them as safe as we can.