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September 12, 2014 by: Shell

What It’s Like to Lose a Friend

things they can't sayLea Grover is a writer and toddler-wrangler living on Chicago’s South Side. When she isn’t cultivating an impressive dust bunny collection she waxes philosophic about raising interfaith children, marriage after a terminal cancer diagnosis, and vegetarian cooking. Her blog, Becoming SuperMommy, won second runner up in Blogger Idol.

Sometimes it’s hard to be friends with somebody you’ve known your whole life. You always see them to a certain extent as a child- the child you knew when you were small. And then, when one day you’re grown and something causes a rift to grow between you… you’re not just losing a friend. You’re losing dozens of friends. The person you knew at Girl Scout Camp, and the person you made prank phone calls with in middle school, the person you practiced makeup with, the person you perfected Care Bear Stares with in a muddy back yard.

You don’t just lose the friend you had last, you lose all of them.

I know what it’s like to lose those friends, and to have no control. To have no choice about when and how the things that held you together fall apart. And I know what it’s like to wish to God you could say something, anything, to change it.

And I know what it’s like to say the wrong thing when you only have once chance.

I wish I could say to her, that girl who went into the woods with me on adventures on lazy summer afternoons, I wish I could say to her that when she started disappearing into the darkness of addiction, she wasn’t going in alone. I wish I could say to her that she was taking away all my happy memories of the person she hadn’t been for decades.
I wish I could say to her that when she poisoned the adult woman she had become, she was also killing the girl with the authority problem I tailed through the halls in fourth grade.
I wish I could say to her that I loved her so much, not just then, but forever.
But I couldn’t say those things. That’s how breakups work, they leave mountains of unspoken words in their wake. The things you can’t say to somebody who you love and who’s broken your heart, torn it to a million pieces and set fire to the shreds… the things you can’t say could fill volumes.
That’s what the new HerStories Project book is. So many unspoken words, so many regrets and confusions, laid bare for all to see.
Because, like me, I think most of us secretly hope that the wounds left by the friends who once left us, or who we left, never really closed. It’s one thing to break up with a lover, it’s another entirely to break up with a BFF, a confidante, a sister. These are the people we let deep into our hearts, faster and harder and with more intensity than any fling.
My heart still breaks when I think about the day she walked through my door and didn’t turn around. I wish I could have screamed after her to come back, unburdened my soul and said everything that had weighed on me for twenty years. Begged her to make a different choice.
I can’t say what would have happened.
I can say that almost ten years after our friendship broke, the things I didn’t say hurt more than the things I did.
My Other Ex anthology
This piece is a companion piece to Lea’s essay in My Other Ex: Women’s True Stories of Leaving and Losing Friends, which will be released by the HerStories Project next week. You can pre-order the book on Amazon here. 
 
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Comments

  1. Robin (Masshole Mommy) says

    September 12, 2014 at 8:26 am

    I’ve been there. My childhood best friend and I had a stupid fight about my boyfriend at the time that she didn’t like and we have never talked since.

  2. Amanda Boehmer says

    September 12, 2014 at 8:52 am

    What an interesting book. Losing a friend or growing apart is a very hard thing to go through.

  3. Jaime says

    September 12, 2014 at 11:13 am

    I’ve had a few really big, stupid fights with my best friends. One led to not speaking for a few months. Luckily, we were able to resolve differences and are still friends many years after high school, but there are still a few people I wish I was closer to, as an adult.

  4. Everyday Living with Chrys says

    September 12, 2014 at 11:45 am

    I have a few childhood friends I have lost touch with. A lot of my friends I lost touch with just because I moved across the country.

  5. Shasta Walton says

    September 12, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    How sad. I can relate, and I’m sure most women can. I lost a friend to addiction and we never could repair the damage.

  6. laura says

    September 12, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    This one hits right in the heart. There are a couple of those friendships that I look back on and wish I could have mended at the right time and possibly saved. And then there were those that needed to be broken up with, and they aren’t easy either.

  7. Scott says

    September 12, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    My wife has gone through a couple instances like this, and sometimes I think it hurt her more than if they had actually died.

  8. Kayla says

    September 12, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    Heartbreaking, but it does help so much to write about it and read about it so we don’t feel alone. Thanks for sharing.

  9. Catherine S says

    September 12, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    I lost contact with my childhood friend when we moved away. It has been almost 30 years and I still think about her. Thanks for sharing.

  10. Coreen says

    September 12, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    Wow. Great words. I’m going to order that book. Going through a friend break up, get back together, break up right now (not addiction just outrageous expectations and a little selfishness). Thanks for sharing.

  11. Pam says

    September 12, 2014 at 6:19 pm

    This sounds like a really emotional book. I have been there and lost a friend before. It’s one of the hardest things.

  12. deb says

    September 12, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    Over the years I’ve lost a few friends through no choice of my own. Always sad 🙁

  13. Ben @ Cheap is the New Classy says

    September 12, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    Great post. Never leave anything unsaid and never let things go. I had a fight with my best friend over something so ridiculous I can’t even remember it. Our last words were something like, “I hate you!” and “I hate you, too!”. He got hit by a car the next day and died. It’s something that will haunt me to my grave.

  14. Marina says

    September 12, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    I love this post. It’s amazing how things left unsaid can either destroy a friendship or just prevent you from saving one.

  15. Debra says

    September 12, 2014 at 7:43 pm

    It’s definitely hard losing longtime friends. But we’re both not the same people we were 10, 20 or more years ago when we became friends. Things change, ideals change….Some people are constant in your lives and be grateful for that. Other people are transient, but all have some type of impact on our lives.

  16. Veronica says

    September 12, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    this sounds like a great book. I am experiencing some what of a strained relationship with my best friend

  17. Theresa says

    September 12, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    I think many people could relate to this book. I am sure I could have put a few of my own stories in there!

  18. April @ Everyday Fitness and Nutrition says

    September 12, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    I think we’ll all be able to relate to these stories. There is nothing more valuable than a good friend and it’s heartbreaking to lose one.

  19. Cam | Bibs and Baubles says

    September 13, 2014 at 12:29 am

    What a heart breaking story. The book sounds like it will be an interesting read.

  20. MEGAN says

    September 13, 2014 at 2:41 am

    I’m wondering if anyone has felt that way about me? I’ve recently ended friendships like this. It’s nice to know there is a book with other shares. I feel tissues are in order.

  21. Krystal says

    September 13, 2014 at 7:46 am

    I definitely can relate. I feel like I recycle through friends every so often, it stinks!

  22. Rosey says

    September 13, 2014 at 10:56 am

    I’m sorry about your friend. It is really hard to lose someone who is going in a downward spiral that we cannot help them with…

  23. Amanda says

    September 13, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    Love Lea! She is such a great lady and an awesome writer. I can’t wait to read this book! So many great writers.

  24. Jenn says

    September 13, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    I only have 1 childhood friend left. We’e been ‘together’ for 35+ years. It’s priceless. I couldn’t imagine a life without her! I’m absolutely going to check this book out!

  25. Stacie says

    September 13, 2014 at 5:46 pm

    Such a great sounding book that I think many many people can relate to!

  26. Liz Mays says

    September 13, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    Wow, her emotions just poured forth from her words. That totally makes me want to read the book.

  27. Lisa says

    September 13, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    I never thought about it but it is so true. My bff and i had a big fight about 5 year ago. It tore me apart. We mended things, but it’s always there.

  28. Debbie Denny says

    September 14, 2014 at 10:26 am

    I can relate. It is heartbreaking and I will never have the chance to dhange it. to say the things I wish I had said.

  29. kristin says

    September 14, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    Looks like a great book. I recently lost one of my oldest and closest friends, heartbreaking!

  30. Kendra says

    September 14, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    Losing a friend is always hard, even if the relationship needed to end. Unfortunately, I think it’s one of those things that happens to everyone and is a true sign of growth. Being able to let go and realize it’s just one of those things that happens as part of life.

  31. Barbie's Beauty Bits says

    September 14, 2014 at 7:43 pm

    I’ve lost contact with friends over the years, more so because we evolved into different places in our life. I’ve been fortunate to have a best friend for over 20 years.

  32. Shannon Gosney says

    September 15, 2014 at 5:11 pm

    Losing friends is definitely a sad thing. I never thought about it as losing several friends, but rather losing a friends with several memories. I’ll have to check out her blog.

  33. Tonia says

    September 15, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    Been there. Sounds like a great book. I’m a funny kind of friend. I don’t deal with BS and I’m not a comforter of stupid. ANyone that is in my inner circle is low maintenance and knows to save their drama for other friends that will deal with it. I’ll walk away very fast…run actually!

  34. Elaine A. says

    September 16, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    It’s so hard. And our stories, though all different, have much the same heart ache. I had SO much fun and shared SO much with the friend I lost, but it was a pretty one-sided relationship. Still hard to let to though. Thank you for sharing your story.

Welcome to Things I Can't Say: Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom. I'm Shell. Boy mom, beach girl, bookworm, ball games, baker, brand ambassador, Thinking yoga, food, and travel should start with "b," too. Finding the easiest way to do some things while overthinking so many others. Read More…

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