Do you have that gut reaction phrase that spews out of your mouth when your kids are doing something that is driving you crazy?
I do.
Oldest calls youngest a “Poopy-pee-idiot-nerd-farthead-baby-stupidface” all in one breath. And I say “What is wrong with you? You do not call your brother names!”
Middle hits oldest for… I don’t know… existing in his space. “What is wrong with you? You are not allowed to hit anyone!”
Youngest rips the DS out of oldest’s hands. “What is wrong with you? You have to wait your turn.”
It comes out of my mouth more times than I care to admit in the course of a day. “What is wrong with you?”
And I never really thought about it too much.
But it occured to me the other day that I was saying it way too often. And that the phrase wasn’t sending a message I wanted my kids to hear.
It’s not like I actually expect them to have an answer for me.
And we all do things we shouldn’t. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us.
Tired, frustrated, angry, not wanting to follow the rules, sure.
But that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with the child(or us adults who are screwing up, too).
I don’t like the implication that there’s something about them they need to change instead of a behavior that needs to change. The occasional bad behavior does not mean a bad kid. And my asking what is wrong with them implies differently.
So, I’m trying to stop uttering that phrase.
It’s hard, y’all.
Oh I know, I’ve said it too, many times.
You’re right, the implication is just not the kind of message we want our children to absorb.
Now that you’re self-aware, it’s a great big step to not saying it as much or anymore. Work-in-progress is better than no progress.
I’m trying really hard to watch the things I say- this phrase included. B/c even though I know I don’t really mean it, they don’t.
Oh I am guilty of this too. I’m awa re of it now though, and can hopefully learn from that and change my ways.
It’s hard to change a habit, but I’m trying!
I know exactly what I say too often, and I’m trying hard to stop. It is “You are driving me crazy” or some variation of that. I say it to my kid, and to my husband. It isn’t the message I want to send to either of them.
I say this all too many times too without even thinking about it. I also need to stop saying “why won’t you just listen to me?”. Of course they arent’ going to answer the question because they are 4 and 2!!!
LOL @why won’t you just listen to me? I’d love to hear my boys’ answers to that!
I used to say “You’re driving me crazy!” all the time, but lately have been saying “I’m getting frustrated!” Which means I have a 3yo constantly telling me she’s going crazy and/or getting fwust-ew-wated.
How cute is that!
I’m guilty of that same phrase. Yet every time I hear someone else say it to their kids I think, “What an awful thing to say!” I’m working on it 🙂
It was hearing someone else say it that made me realize how often *I* say it.
Sometimes you don’t even realize you have been saying a certain phrase…we all do it now just to work on it…easier said than done!
Yup- it was hearing someone else say it and thinking oh, I don’t like that- that made me realize how often I say it!
I totally know where you are coming from. It seems I’m always prefacing comments to my kidlets with “how many times do I have to say….” It’s tiring for me and I’m sure for the kids to hear. I need to just say to them whatever I need to say without it. It’ll be hard, since now it’s such a habit, but I’m going to try to be more aware.
Though wouldn’t it be funny if they came back with “Well, Mom, it will take 7.5 times of you saying it for me to listen.”
My worst is when I’m getting on to my 5 year old and she says, “But…” and tries to explain why she’s doing what she’s getting in trouble for, and my knee-jerk response is “I don’t care why…” and then I tell her why she’s in trouble. Oy. I definitely need to quit saying, “I don’t care” because obviously, I do care. I just don’t want her to think I don’t care about her or what I’m trying to teach her. It’s the back talk I don’t care for. Now I know why my mom was prematurely gray.
Oh, I’m guilty of that one, too. *cringe*
I think I have changed the words, but said something very similar.
There’s probably something we all say that we could make a little kinder.
I have definitely said that more times than I can count. 🙁 Thank you for this because you are right…nothing is actually wrong with them at all.
But it gets to be a habit. And then I think well, it’s just an expression… but then I realized it isn’t something I want my kids hearing all the time b/c they might take the words to heart.
the worst is when i hear my kids saying my words back to me – though sometimes it’s funny!
Oh I know! Sometimes it takes them saying a phrase for me to realize where they got it from!
Yes it is so easy to say things that don’t sound like what we really mean. I don’t think it is what I say as much as the way I often say it- often jumping right to the mean mommy tone, that is what I need to work on.
I hate when I do that. It’s way more often than I’d like it to be.
My friend always ALWAYS says, “Are you FREAKING KIDDING me???”
It’s hilarious.
And then the kids mimic… and I’d crack up.
I’m trying hard to stop saying, “seriously?” Super hard to quite these phrases but sarcasm does not build up a child, near as I can tell. Good luck quitting your bad-phrase habit!
And they don’t really get the sarcasm, so it can all seem worse than we really mean it.
Yep, this one and a few others. When I am trying to get them to do something or not do something and they won’t, I have been known to say, “That’s it. I’m done. I quit.” Obviously, not a good phrase because I don’t want them to think I am saying I’m done with them or I quit them. Plus I don’t want to raise kids that get frustrated and quit. I’m working on it.
Ohmygosh. I say that almost every night. It gets to be a certain hour of the night and I really do feel like I’m DONE. But I probably don’t need to tell my boys that.
Yes I have said phrases like that, I don’t mean to. I am a work in progress, trying not to loose my cool. I also notice phrases that I say that my youngest picks up, sometimes they are fine, and sometimes I stop and think where did she learn that and then it comes to me. One day at a time right?
Oh yes- sometimes it takes hearing something coming out of my boys’ mouths for me to realize where they got it from(though some I can blame on Hubs LOL).
I say things I don’t mean to say or shouldn’t say all the time. I think it’s ok as long as we realize it and try to correct it. It’s so easy to get in a loop where you have the same reaction to things that your kids shouldn’t be doing.
It’s like a reflex. One I’m trying to change.
Guilty. And you are right, it’s really bad to say. I feel guilty afterwards, but it’s always a gut reaction. I need to get better about being more aware of what’s coming out of my mouth.
I’m really trying to work on taking a beat before I say anything. So it’s constructive rather than out of frustration. But it’s so freaking hard.
OMG! I say this too. And I always catch myself…
It is so hard to break our verbal habits! Right now, everyone in our house is saying, “Seriously?! YOU’VE got to be kidding me.” all of the time. It took me about 2 weeks to break the habit but Chris and the girls still slip now and then.
Good luck!
Have you lost your mind?? That is the most uttered phrase in my household. Of course my boys are much older and I think when they do something they KNOW they are not supposed to do their brain is napping and their body is walking around without it.. seriously.
I use that phrase all the time. And I really don’t like it. It’s a knee jerk reaction. Now, hopefully, I will think twice.
Thanks for the honesty. I tend to be reactive and will pay more attention to what I say repeatedly now that I’ve read your post. Thanks!
My grandfather used to always say that you should never tell a kid they are being bad because then they’ll start being bad. I catch myself telling B he is bad alot and try to stop myself.
There are so many things I need to stop saying to and in front of my kids. Both the husband and I will let out one of those grunt/growls, (Aaargh!) when we get frustrated, and now the three year old has started to follow suit. She’s now making me realize how unseemly it is… The worst part is that every time I correct something like that, a new bad habit/saying seems to pop up!
I say “I’m so tired” all the time! I need to get more sleep. 🙂
I definitely say that phrase and have realized that I’ve been saying it a bit too much lately. I too know that it’s not the message that I want to be sending to my kids but it just pops out of my mouth sometimes before I can stop it. The worst is when I overhear my oldest saying the same phrase to his younger brother!!
My dad was really good with the verbal abuse so I decided early on that I wouldn’t call my kids names or allow them to call each other names. I also vowed to not compare them to each other. So far I’ve stuck to that pretty well. It’s funny though, the things that offend them. My older daughter recently told me that she hates it when I call girls “cute little girls” because she is bigger and she always thought that if she were big then she obviously couldn’t be cute. So I guess no matter how hard we try, kids will find something to feel bad about.
Sandy
Every so often I have to stop and re-evaluate too. Mine is….”How old are you?” Implying that what that kid is saying or doing is immature or not appropriate…but it’s not a nice thing to say. It’s belittling and it certainly doesn’t EVER get the change I’m hoping for. What it normally does is just piss that kid off even more. Would I like it if someone said that to me? Absolutely not. That’s definitely one that I have to watch coming out of my mouth. I KNOW to use better language–it’s all about changing YOUR OWN inner voice. Tough stuff. But I don’t want to pass certain things on to my kids. It’s WORTH ALL THE EFFORT to get me right, so that I’m the best for them 🙂
Oh I know this too well!!! Funny I say that one more than any other one and always have a gut feeling every time I say it that it is dreadfully wrong. “What is WRONG WITH YOU!!??” Yup. I wrote a post about this exact topic I think you will relate to over at TheMommyMess…
http://www.themommymess.com/2013/01/featured-blogger-the-mom-cafe.html
The one that we have to watch is saying ‘bad’ when we should say ‘naughty’ so that he doesn’t think HE is bad. Parenting is hard! You can do it!
I didn’t mean to sound insincere ‘you can do it’ lol but more like a ‘you are an awesome mom and can do it!’
“You’re driving me crazy!” and “What’s the matter with you?? are what I say most often. You have a good point. With mine it’s not always a fight, but sometimes the little one Won’t. Stop. Talking. I know it’s a phase, but I won’t be sorry to see that phase pass on by.
MIne is the “are you freakin’ kidding me?” and “seriously?” So much better than what is actually going through my mind at the time, but clearly I need to work on some things. Which brings me to an interesting question, what should I say when they are driving me crazy???