“I don’t have time for the people who don’t have time for me.”
I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard this complaint- or some variation of it.
And, I totally hear you- those of you who are talking about the friend that you’ve reached out to over and over and have received nothing in response.
The unreturned phone calls, the ignored texts, the “no’s” to every single one of your invites. It’s especially hurtful when you invite someone somewhere and then later see on their facebook that they are doing something with another friend instead. That hurts worse because it’s not just that they didn’t have the time or the money, it’s that they’d rather do something else with someone else.
After a while, it starts to feel like okay, I get your point, you’re too busy for me now. Or maybe you aren’t even busy, you just don’t want to be my friend any more.
So here comes the grand statement of giving up on someone because life is too short to spend it on people who don’t care.
But.
I’m a little tired of hearing those statements from people who haven’t actually been trying to reach out to someone else.
Yet they are pissed that the same person they aren’t calling or texting or making time for… isn’t calling or texting or making time for them.
What kind of twisted logic is that?
What, because you’re busy?
We all get busy.
And if busy is an excuse for you not to call someone, isn’t it fair that it’s an excuse for someone else not to call you, too?
Even worse is the pathetic excuse of “oh I try to be a part of her life” and that just means clicking the “like” button on someone’s facebook status, which takes what? a fraction of a second? And yet thinking that means that person should show up on your doorstep.
If you are genuinely making an effort and you are getting nothing in return, there does come a point when you might feel like it’s time to give up. And no one would blame you for that.
But I’m oh-so-tired of people who expect others to do all the work and will write someone off if they don’t. Think about it: don’t expect someone else to do what you aren’t.
Friendship is indeed a two way street.
Last Week’s Faves
Thanks to everyone who links up for Pour Your Heart Out. Starting this week, I’m going to highlight three posts from the previous week and I hope you take the time to check them out, along with visiting some of this week’s linkers.
- I Am Intolerant of Your Intolerance from Unintentionally Brilliant: Last week, Roxi posted a thank you to everyone who had commented on this post, giving her support- and if you haven’t read the original post, you should.
- If You Think You’re Small and Ordinary from Time Out: ever feel like you aren’t doing anything special? Becky reminds us that even the small things matter.
- Can I Let My Guard Down? from Just Jennifer: When you’ve been holding your breath for so long, waiting for the other shoe to drop, when can you breathe normally again? Jennifer shares what she’s going through.
Join in Pour Your Heart Out
Click if you want to find out more about Pour Your Heart Out. Remember, it’s about what you want to pour out: it’s personal, so there isn’t an assigned topic. It’s also about being supportive of others who are sharing: so visit other linkers and be kind with your comments. Linking up? (or even if you are just here to visit) Please visit at least two of the linkers and show them some support in the form of a comment or a share!
I have seen this, and it bothers me, too. Friendship really is a two-way street, and you can’t fault someone else for not putting more effort into it than you are.
It confuses me when someone gets mad and thinks that it’s all on the other person to reach out.
First – a huge THANK YOU for highlighting my post among your faves from last week! That is very cool. I’m glad it spoke to you. And second – your point about Facebook especially pushes my buttons. I totally agree – keeping up with a friend in virtual space is not the same as making that friend a real priority. I laugh whenever someone expects me to know what’s going on in their life simply because they posted it on Facebook. I’m all for making good use of social media, but come on, when did it become more valuable than good old personal connections?
There are certain things that I’m so mad if I learn about on facebook. Like a sibling’s baby. I have threatened my siblings’ lives that I have to know about that sort of thing before all of facebook. Being the only one who lives far away, sometimes I’m out of the loop- but I shouldn’t be so far out of it that fb learns about major life events before I do!
I’m so glad that my good friends don’t feel that they don’t have time for me when I don’t have time for them! I’m terrible (really really terrible) about calling friends. I tend to only see the things right in front of me, especially in the busy times– and that’s when I seem to need a friend the most!
I think there are different times in our lives when we are just busy (motherhood will do that to ya!). And it’s nice when friends can understand that we are just as busy as they are!
Yes it is definitely a two way street! It really is part of the problem that society has as a whole where people feel entitled and like they should get whatever they want, even one-side friendships, it is very sad.
I have several friends who I talk with once a week, one in particular ends up dominating the entire conversation and at the end of each conversation always apologizes for doing so…. yet I still call her up. Guess it is my inner counselor side that comes out as it is pretty much a therapy session each week. If all of my friendships were this way though, I would go insane!
You need to have someone to vent to, too!
Oh yes! I hear this from friends talking about other friends all the time about how this friend is too busy when the friend complaining to me about it does the same exact thing!
Oh, I’d be so tempted to tell both of them to just shush and call each other.
I totally agree – friendship is definitely a two-way street. I know when *I* have given up on someone, and I don’t expect anything from them. I’ve not been on the receiving end of “you never make time for me!” when they haven’t reached out, at least not that I know of, but if I was, yeah I’d be hurt and pissed.
I feel like since I know that I haven’t reached out to someone b/c I haven’t had time, that them not reaching out in return just means they’re busy, too- and we’ll connect later. But I see way too many rants about this- finally had to go on a rant of my own!
I totally agree! I also think, however, that sometimes we are in a season of life – or motherhood, where we do slip and are not very good friends – we say no to outings, we don’t get enough time to call or email… I so appreciate those friends who are patient with me and understand that this “season” may be harder and are not annoyed when I finally do reach out and say “sorry, I got overwhelmed”.
For sure. We all have those times. I just wish there were more understanding- that if one person can be going through a crazy busy time and not think anything of it, their friend can, too.
Oh girl! You’re hitting a nerve for me today. I’m dealing with this in my own life. I have been the friend who reaches out over and over only to be ignored. The one who makes attempts that go ignored. Texts that don’t ever see a reply, and plans that never happen b/c the friend is busy, but not too busy for spending time with others (thanks Facebook for making me feel like shit). I’m not a needy friend in any way, but there comes a point when you don’t want to be hurt any more, and it sucks, but it is what it is. Sometimes, it’s not even about friendship, it’s about common courtesy. BUT, I would never make this rant if I hadn’t tried! I have tried. For years. But you can only try so much and get nothing in return before you quit trying. It is a two way street!
That would be so frustrating and hurtful. I’m sorry you are dealing with that!
I’ve found that this computer age has made this worse. I am guilty of this far too often–as Leah says above–getting in a season of life where some friends don’t get me. In a world where we can stay in contact with just a simple “like” we do need to try harder. Or at least I do sometimes.
Oh, I’m totally guilty of using the easy technology way out. What bothers me is when someone isn’t putting any effort in and gets mad about the other person not either.
I admit that sometimes I can be that friend. I don’t mean to blow anyone off. My life gets hectic (or I feel like it does). When I do have a minute I just need time alone because I’m a bit of an introvert. I feel terrible about it at times, but I stopped trying to sound like I was making lame excuses and just basically said “it’s not you..it’s me because of x,y, and z”.
However, I don’t get upset when other people do me that way because I can always find a way to believe they’re in the same boat as me.
I think we all have those busy times in life. I just want everyone to cut each other some slack and be real about what we all have going on. 😉
I could give a billion examples, but I’ll just nod and say, “yep.” Very irritating & frustrating, and I’m sooo tired of feeling like apparently it’s MY responsibility to make plans, reach out, etc. all the time.
I don’t get people who put it all on their friends and then blame them if the friendship doesn’t continue.
I have definitely gotten caught up in this way of thinking, and you are absolutely right it is a two-way street. I have reconnected with a lot of friends after I realized that I had been just as quite as they had been. And we always pick up right where we left off and it has always been worth it.
I have done the same thing, realized oh, I haven’t heard from so-and-so in a while. But instead of getting angry, I realize well, gee, I haven’t reached out either, so maybe I should try.
Yeah- that’s just not right. Friendship is truly about giving and taking and being a two way street- that is the only way. That ecard is HILARIOUS!!! I want to share it on FB!
That card cracked me up.
I recently had a similar situation happen with a friend. It’s sad that I feel responsible for keeping the friendship alive, and I always feel like the one who is reaching out. But it’s just as hard to cut ties because we’ve been friends for SO long.
PS – Totally pinning that ecard 😉
That card is awesome, isn’t it?
I have actually cut ties recently with someone who treated me this way. I spent three years constantly calling her to keep in contact, making plans for us to hang out whenever I was in town. I finally realized I was the only one making any effort at all. I don’t have time to pursue a friendship with someone who doesn’t want to meet me halfway.
It has to go both ways. Even though in different seasons, who has more time might shift, it can’t always be on one person.
I miss the times when it was easy to be 50/50. I think true friends realize that sometimes it takes one person making more of the effort because the other can’t and vice versa. The friends I want don’t keep a scoreboard. I appreciate the friends that I can pick up the phone at any given time and catch up like we talk every day. It’s hard to know when to walk away from friends that don’t ever respond. It’s hard to know, are they busy or are they wanting to move on? I’ve been on both ends of it and in the end it comes back to no matter how simple we try and make them, relationships are complicated.
That’s exactly what I want- friends who realize we all go through busy seasons/hard times and don’t hold it against us for not reaching out during that time.
Friendship is a two way street, it really does go both ways .
For sure. It’s too exhausting otherwise.
I added a link from something I wrote a couple of weeks ago as I came to a realization that some relationships I was trying to “save” weren’t really worth saving. And it’s been an important lesson because my 3rd grader is now facing child sized versions of it.
Oh, it’s so hard when our kids are going through it.
YES! I had a “friend” who would always ask people to do stuff for her. But if you asked her, she was usually busy. Or if you dared to tell her no, she’d throw a fit. It’s why she’s not a friend anymore. I couldn’t deal with that nonsense.
I wouldn’t have been able to take that, either.
That’s a very twisted logic, indeed! It’s like their time is too valuable to bother..I have friends that said one thing but do another, so slowly I move them all over and down the memory lane!
I’ll never understand it, but I see it all the time.
I know what you mean. We are all busy. But when a friendship only seems one direction it makes it hard to keep it going
Agreed. Sad as it is. But when I realize I haven’t reached out, I try to fix it. 😉
Oh the friendship street! I know this one very well. I think me and my friends are good at the give and take. But my husband and HIS friends? Oy. And actually, I do have this one friend, who is like family to me, who hasn’t been calling me for a very long time and I am starting to feel slighted by it. I haven’t tried calling her recently (I was trying before) because I know how busy and stressed she is. But just how long do I wait?
And ohmigosh, thank you so much for highlighting m post!! 🙂
It’s so hard to know what is a reasonable amount of time and what someone might be going through. I tend to hide from the world when things are bad.
Loved your post and happy to highlight it!
Great post. And I love that you are highlighting posts from the previous week. You always have such amazing entries. :)-Ashley
I have been wanting to feature some for quite a while and finally just decided to go for it. Glad you like it!
I think we forget how busy our lives get and that we need to slow down to show those friends that we want to keep in touch that we are thinking on them. I know I do.
I suspect I may be on the other end of this conundrum. I have, on occasion, had my feelings hurt when I felt left out of something, but I’m terrible at phone calls… I hate the phone, and I get so busy I forget to invite people over. Something came up recently and a friend said to me, “I can’t believe you didn’t confide in me,” and that sort of hit home to me… she is my closest friend here and still I’m tending toward keeping things superficial. It didn’t even occur to me!
Oh yeah I think everyone has “friends” like that.
I hate double-standards in general. This just happens to be one of the worst ones.
This struck a nerve this week. I’ve been a bad friend lately. Moving was hard on me in ways I didn’t expect, but that’s not an excuse. I needed to hear this and do better. xoxo
This post is a much-needed reminder. I have a bad habit of “disappearing” when life gets tough, so I try to be mindful that a lack of contact may have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with whatever the other person is going through at the time. I’ve been trying really hard to get better about not falling off the face of the earth. Still, I’m incredibly grateful for the friends I can pick up with as though we had just talked yesterday, even if it’s been months since we’ve actually talked.