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October 1, 2013 by: Shell

Two Way Street: Pour Your Heart Out

“I don’t have time for the people who don’t have time for me.”

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard this complaint- or some variation of it.

And, I totally hear you- those of you who are talking about the friend that you’ve reached out to over and over and have received nothing in response.

The unreturned phone calls, the ignored texts, the “no’s” to every single one of your invites.  It’s especially hurtful when you invite someone somewhere and then later see on their facebook that they are doing something with another friend instead. That hurts worse because it’s not just that they didn’t have the time or the money, it’s that they’d rather do something else with someone else.

After a while, it starts to feel like okay, I get your point, you’re too busy for me now. Or maybe you aren’t even busy, you just don’t want to be my friend any more.

So here comes the grand statement of giving up on someone because life is too short to spend it on people who don’t care.

But.

I’m a little tired of hearing those statements from people who haven’t actually been trying to reach out to someone else.

Yet they are pissed that the same person they aren’t calling or texting or making time for… isn’t calling or texting or making time for them.

 

friendship

 

What kind of twisted logic is that?

What, because you’re busy?

We all get busy.

And if busy is an excuse for you not to call someone, isn’t it fair that it’s an excuse for someone else not to call you, too?

Even worse is the pathetic excuse of “oh I try to be a part of her life” and that just means clicking the “like” button on someone’s facebook status, which takes what? a fraction of a second? And yet thinking that means that person should show up on your doorstep.

If you are genuinely making an effort and you are getting nothing in return, there does come a point when you might feel like it’s time to give up. And no one would blame you for that.

But I’m oh-so-tired of people who expect others to do all the work and will write someone off if they don’t.  Think about it: don’t expect someone else to do what you aren’t.

Friendship is indeed a two way street.

Last Week’s Faves

Thanks to everyone who links up for Pour Your Heart Out. Starting this week, I’m going to highlight three posts from the previous week and I hope you take the time to check them out, along with visiting some of this week’s linkers.

  • I Am Intolerant of Your Intolerance from Unintentionally Brilliant: Last week, Roxi posted a thank you to everyone who had commented on this post, giving her support- and if you haven’t read the original post, you should.
  • If You Think You’re Small and Ordinary from Time Out: ever feel like you aren’t doing anything special? Becky reminds us that even the small things matter.
  • Can I Let My Guard Down? from Just Jennifer: When you’ve been holding your breath for so long, waiting for the other shoe to drop, when can you breathe normally again? Jennifer shares what she’s going through.

Join in Pour Your Heart Out

pour your heart outClick if you want to find out more about Pour Your Heart Out. Remember, it’s about what you want to pour out: it’s personal, so there isn’t an assigned topic. It’s also about being supportive of others who are sharing: so visit other linkers and be kind with your comments. Linking up? (or even if you are just here to visit) Please visit at least two of the linkers and show them some support in the form of a comment or a share!



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Comments

  1. Tracie says

    October 1, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    I have seen this, and it bothers me, too. Friendship really is a two-way street, and you can’t fault someone else for not putting more effort into it than you are. 

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 8:34 am

      It confuses me when someone gets mad and thinks that it’s all on the other person to reach out.

  2. Becky Kopitzke says

    October 1, 2013 at 10:04 pm

    First – a huge THANK YOU for highlighting my post among your faves from last week! That is very cool. I’m glad it spoke to you. And second – your point about Facebook especially pushes my buttons. I totally agree – keeping up with a friend in virtual space is not the same as making that friend a real priority. I laugh whenever someone expects me to know what’s going on in their life simply because they posted it on Facebook. I’m all for making good use of social media, but come on, when did it become more valuable than good old personal connections?

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 8:36 am

      There are certain things that I’m so mad if I learn about on facebook. Like a sibling’s baby. I have threatened my siblings’ lives that I have to know about that sort of thing before all of facebook. Being the only one who lives far away, sometimes I’m out of the loop- but I shouldn’t be so far out of it that fb learns about major life events before I do!

  3. Little Wife says

    October 1, 2013 at 10:45 pm

    I’m so glad that my good friends don’t feel that they don’t have time for me when I don’t have time for them! I’m terrible (really really terrible) about calling friends. I tend to only see the things right in front of me, especially in the busy times– and that’s when I seem to need a friend the most!

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 8:37 am

      I think there are different times in our lives when we are just busy (motherhood will do that to ya!). And it’s nice when friends can understand that we are just as busy as they are!

  4. Emmy says

    October 1, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    Yes it is definitely a two way street!  It really is part of the problem that society has as a whole where people feel entitled and like they should get whatever they want, even one-side friendships, it is very sad.

    I have several friends who I talk with once a week, one in particular ends up dominating the entire conversation and at the end of each conversation always apologizes for doing so…. yet I still call her up.  Guess it is my inner counselor side that comes out as it is pretty much a therapy session each week.  If all of my friendships were this way though, I would go insane! 

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 8:37 am

      You need to have someone to vent to, too!

  5. Natalie says

    October 1, 2013 at 11:37 pm

    Oh yes! I hear this from friends talking about other friends all the time about how this friend is too busy when the friend complaining to me about it does the same exact thing!

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 8:37 am

      Oh, I’d be so tempted to tell both of them to just shush and call each other.

  6. Alison says

    October 2, 2013 at 4:32 am

    I totally agree – friendship is definitely a two-way street. I know when *I* have given up on someone, and I don’t expect anything from them. I’ve not been on the receiving end of “you never make time for me!” when they haven’t reached out, at least not that I know of, but if I was, yeah I’d be hurt and pissed.

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 8:39 am

      I feel like since I know that I haven’t reached out to someone b/c I haven’t had time, that them not reaching out in return just means they’re busy, too- and we’ll connect later. But I see way too many rants about this- finally had to go on a rant of my own!

  7. Leah Davidson says

    October 2, 2013 at 7:27 am

    I totally agree! I also think, however, that sometimes we are in a season of life – or motherhood, where we do slip and are not very good friends – we say no to outings, we don’t get enough time to call or email… I so appreciate those friends who are patient with me and understand that this “season” may be harder and are not annoyed when I finally do reach out and say “sorry, I got overwhelmed”. 

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 8:40 am

      For sure. We all have those times. I just wish there were more understanding- that if one person can be going through a crazy busy time and not think anything of it, their friend can, too.

  8. Adrienne says

    October 2, 2013 at 8:20 am

    Oh girl! You’re hitting a nerve for me today. I’m dealing with this in my own life. I have been the friend who reaches out over and over only to be ignored. The one who makes attempts that go ignored. Texts that don’t ever see a reply, and plans that never happen b/c the friend is busy, but not too busy for spending time with others (thanks Facebook for making me feel like shit). I’m not a needy friend in any way, but there comes a point when you don’t want to be hurt any more, and it sucks, but it is what it is. Sometimes, it’s not even about friendship, it’s about common courtesy. BUT, I would never make this rant if I hadn’t tried! I have tried. For years. But you can only try so much and get nothing in return before you quit trying. It is a two way street! 

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 8:40 am

      That would be so frustrating and hurtful. I’m sorry you are dealing with that!

  9. Kerry Ann @Vinobaby's Voice says

    October 2, 2013 at 8:22 am

    I’ve found that this computer age has made this worse. I am guilty of this far too often–as Leah says above–getting in a season of life where some friends don’t get me. In a world where we can stay in contact with just a simple “like” we do need to try harder. Or at least I do sometimes.

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 8:41 am

      Oh, I’m totally guilty of using the easy technology way out. What bothers me is when someone isn’t putting any effort in and gets mad about the other person not either.

  10. Malissa says

    October 2, 2013 at 9:01 am

    I admit that sometimes I can be that friend. I don’t mean to blow anyone off. My life gets hectic (or I feel like it does). When I do have a minute I just need time alone because I’m a bit of an introvert. I feel terrible about it at times, but I stopped trying to sound like I was making lame excuses and just basically said “it’s not you..it’s me because of x,y, and z”.

    However, I don’t get upset when other people do me that way because I can always find a way to believe they’re in the same boat as me.

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 9:06 am

      I think we all have those busy times in life. I just want everyone to cut each other some slack and be real about what we all have going on. 😉

  11. KeAnne says

    October 2, 2013 at 9:25 am

    I could give a billion examples, but I’ll just nod and say, “yep.” Very irritating & frustrating, and I’m sooo tired of feeling like apparently it’s MY responsibility to make plans, reach out, etc. all the time.

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 9:31 pm

      I don’t get people who put it all on their friends and then blame them if the friendship doesn’t continue.

  12. Angela Gilmore says

    October 2, 2013 at 10:21 am

    I have definitely gotten caught up in this way of thinking, and you are absolutely right it is a two-way street. I have reconnected with a lot of friends after I realized that I had been just as quite as they had been. And we always pick up right where we left off and it has always been worth it.

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 9:32 pm

      I have done the same thing, realized oh, I haven’t heard from so-and-so in a while. But instead of getting angry, I realize well, gee, I haven’t reached out either, so maybe I should try.

  13. Chris Carter says

    October 2, 2013 at 10:37 am

    Yeah- that’s just not right. Friendship is truly about giving and taking and being a two way street- that is the only way. That ecard is HILARIOUS!!! I want to share it on FB!

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 9:32 pm

      That card cracked me up.

  14. Natalie says

    October 2, 2013 at 10:48 am

    I recently had a similar situation happen with a friend. It’s sad that I feel responsible for keeping the friendship alive, and I always feel like the one who is reaching out. But it’s just as hard to cut ties because we’ve been friends for SO long. 

    PS – Totally pinning that ecard 😉

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 9:33 pm

      That card is awesome, isn’t it?

  15. Stacey says

    October 2, 2013 at 11:05 am

    I have actually cut ties recently with someone who treated me this way. I spent three years constantly calling her to keep in contact, making plans for us to hang out whenever I was in town. I finally realized I was the only one making any effort at all. I don’t have time to pursue a friendship with someone who doesn’t want to meet me halfway.

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 9:33 pm

      It has to go both ways. Even though in different seasons, who has more time might shift, it can’t always be on one person.

  16. AnnMarie says

    October 2, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    I miss the times when it was easy to be 50/50. I think true friends realize that sometimes it takes one person making more of the effort because the other can’t and vice versa. The friends I want don’t keep a scoreboard. I appreciate the friends that I can pick up the phone at any given time and catch up like we talk every day. It’s hard to know when to walk away from friends that don’t ever respond. It’s hard to know, are they busy or are they wanting to move on? I’ve been on both ends of it and in the end it comes back to no matter how simple we try and make them, relationships are complicated.

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 9:34 pm

      That’s exactly what I want- friends who realize we all go through busy seasons/hard times and don’t hold it against us for not reaching out during that time.

  17. Julia says

    October 2, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    Friendship is a two way street, it really does go both ways .

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 9:34 pm

      For sure. It’s too exhausting otherwise.

  18. Eternal Lizdom says

    October 2, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    I added a link from something I wrote a couple of weeks ago as I came to a realization that some relationships I was trying to “save” weren’t really worth saving.  And it’s been an important lesson because my 3rd grader is now facing child sized versions of it.  

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 9:37 pm

      Oh, it’s so hard when our kids are going through it.

  19. Amber says

    October 2, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    YES! I had a “friend” who would always ask people to do stuff for her. But if you asked her, she was usually busy. Or if you dared to tell her no, she’d throw a fit. It’s why she’s not a friend anymore. I couldn’t deal with that nonsense. 

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 9:37 pm

      I wouldn’t have been able to take that, either.

  20. Pragmatic Soul says

    October 2, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    That’s a very twisted logic, indeed! It’s like their time is too valuable to bother..I have friends that said one thing but do another, so slowly I move them all over and down the memory lane!

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 9:37 pm

      I’ll never understand it, but I see it all the time.

  21. Angie says

    October 2, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    I know what you mean. We are all busy. But when a friendship only seems one direction it makes it hard to keep it going

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 9:39 pm

      Agreed. Sad as it is. But when I realize I haven’t reached out, I try to fix it. 😉

  22. just JENNIFER says

    October 2, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    Oh the friendship street! I know this one very well. I think me and my friends are good at the give and take. But my husband and HIS friends? Oy. And actually, I do have this one friend, who is like family to me, who hasn’t been calling me for a very long time and I am starting to feel slighted by it. I haven’t tried calling her recently (I was trying before) because I know how busy and stressed she is. But just how long do I wait?

    And ohmigosh, thank you so much for highlighting m post!! 🙂

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 9:39 pm

      It’s so hard to know what is a reasonable amount of time and what someone might be going through. I tend to hide from the world when things are bad.

      Loved your post and happy to highlight it!

  23. thedoseofreality says

    October 2, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    Great post. And I love that you are highlighting posts from the previous week. You always have such amazing entries. :)-Ashley

    • Shell says

      October 2, 2013 at 9:40 pm

      I have been wanting to feature some for quite a while and finally just decided to go for it. Glad you like it!

  24. JDaniel4's Mom says

    October 3, 2013 at 6:21 am

    I think we forget how busy our lives get and that we need to slow down to show those friends that we want to keep in touch that we are thinking on them. I know I do.

  25. Single Mom in the South says

    October 3, 2013 at 6:36 am

    I suspect I may be on the other end of this conundrum. I have, on occasion, had my feelings hurt when I felt left out of something, but I’m terrible at phone calls… I hate the phone, and I get so busy I forget to invite people over. Something came up recently and a friend said to me, “I can’t believe you didn’t confide in me,” and that sort of hit home to me… she is my closest friend here and still I’m tending toward keeping things superficial. It didn’t even occur to me!

  26. Amanda Jillian says

    October 3, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    Oh yeah I think everyone has “friends” like that.

  27. Teresa says

    October 3, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    I hate double-standards in general. This just happens to be one of the worst ones.

  28. Angela says

    October 3, 2013 at 10:52 pm

    This struck a nerve this week. I’ve been a bad friend lately. Moving was hard on me in ways I didn’t expect, but that’s not an excuse. I needed to hear this and do better. xoxo

  29. Cheryl says

    October 6, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    This post is a much-needed reminder. I have a bad habit of “disappearing” when life gets tough, so I try to be mindful that a lack of contact may have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with whatever the other person is going through at the time. I’ve been trying really hard to get better about not falling off the face of the earth. Still, I’m incredibly grateful for the friends I can pick up with as though we had just talked yesterday, even if it’s been months since we’ve actually talked.

Trackbacks

  1. Weekend Links: 10.5.13 says:
    November 7, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    […] and an attitude adjustment…154 Hidden CourtOn How To Begin Writing…Sarah MarkleyTwo Way Street…Things I Can’t […]

  2. The Days When I Don't Love It | Writing, Wishing | says:
    February 6, 2014 at 1:01 am

    […] Linking up with Shell for Pour Your Heart Out. […]

Welcome to Things I Can't Say: Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom. I'm Shell. Boy mom, beach girl, bookworm, ball games, baker, brand ambassador, Thinking yoga, food, and travel should start with "b," too. Finding the easiest way to do some things while overthinking so many others. Read More…

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