Kim shares her life experience with big servings of enthusiasm, hope, and joy on her site, Too Darn Happy. She offers fresh perspectives, practical advice, and a challenge to find happiness in all circumstances. You can also connect with her at @kimahall, facebook, and pinterest.
Power-junkie kids and power-addicted parents
If you are a parent, you have probably seen that face above.
Especially after starting what you thought was an innocent discussion.
And then limping away after being verbally mauled.
I wish I had a magical solution—an Open Sesame!—that would enable effortless, comfortable and productive conversations with your loved ones, all the time.
I don’t.
However, I have some suggestions that might help.
Realize it takes two to tango
We had one child for whom power was her personal coin of the realm. Constant fighting was the norm because we didn’t recognize both Leslie’s need for control and our power addiction. The most helpful resource we ever found was the book Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson.
An excerpt from her site:
I have never seen a power drunk child without a power drunk adult real close by. Adults need to remove themselves from the power struggle without winning or giving in. Create a win/win environment.
Power struggles create distance and hostility instead of closeness and trust. Distance and hostility create resentment, resistance, rebellion (or compliance with lowered self-esteem). Closeness and trust create a safe learning environment. You have a positive influence only in an atmosphere of closeness and trust where there is no fear of blame, shame or pain. (End of excerpt.)
We were power drunk parents: You will do what I say, young lady!
Fight. Take away stuff.
Rinse, repeat ad nauseum.
Learn to listen
Leslie would call me out, justifiably so, if she felt my attention was wandering (and here I thought I was just being the good mommy multi-tasker :-)). Her love language is Quality Time, and she requires absolute, full-on attention when we talk. However, since she has always been a busy child who couldn’t sit still (ADD, anyone?), I have had to get used to her doing the same things she calls me out for.
I used to stop mid-conversation to catch her not listening—oops, I mean to check for clarity—and she always, always was, and could repeat back what I said almost verbatim. Having bruised us both over this power game, I now assume the positive, that she is listening.
Build relationships
Sometimes you get so carried away with being right and following the rules that you lose sight of what is most important: building relationships with your children. If you do not first build a foundation of trust, you will not get to hold those conversations that give you an opportunity to encourage, nurture, and provide guidance. To quote a speaker my husband once heard: Rules without relationships lead to revolt.
I encourage you to learn to let go, give over control as appropriate, and build those relationships. It is well worth the effort!
Question: Are you a power addicted parent? Do you have power junkie kids? Let’s chat!
This really speaks to me as a mom. Listening is key. It does make a big difference in relationships – and building relationships with our children is so very important.
You are absolutely right, Kim. Listening is crucial to building those relationships. The really important point is that your kids feel and believe you are listening, that you are 100% present (which I wasn’t…). That can certainly be a stretch for all of us given how busy we are, but better to take time to listen than to fight.
Ah, I can so relate. I have this problem with my daughter. It’s constant bickering and arguing between us and I think a lot of it is because she is so much like me. I know I can be a control freak at times (or a lot of times!) and it’s something I need to work on as a parent. I’m worried about the future and what our relationship will be like when she becomes a teenager!
Deanna, I can’t encourage you strongly enough to learn some new techniques to help build and rebuild your relationship with your daughter. I was you, wanting to be the one in control, but I can tell you from experience it is a hollow victory and a rough road. And even learning what we did, we still managed to irritate each other.
Stay hopeful, as these days will pass. If you’d like a little bit more back story and encouragement, here’s a couple of posts that tell a little more of our story:
http://www.toodarnhappy.com/2011/04/22/five-minute-friday-the-hard-love/
http://www.toodarnhappy.com/2011/11/07/what-happens-when-you-encourage-a-daughter/
I can so relate to this. We have 2 powerful children from two power-loving parents. It’s so hard to watch the struggles my husband goes throug, and I fall into with my kids. What other books have you found? What other tips might you have?
Oh, wow. You have my sympathy. Don’t you just hate it when you fall for the bait and—zing!—you are in the midst of a battle you didn’t even see coming? Yeeesh. I can tell you from experience that learning to let go was really hard, but in the end is far easier than fighting.
I encourage you to read my post linked below: If you give a child a choice. It will give you some concrete ideas of what to do. Read through the comments in that post as well, as other moms have recommended books that helped them.
Remember: baby steps, baby steps. Good luck, Tara and keep us posted on progress!
Kim, you know I love you – and I am so happy to see you here! You are one of my parenting gurus – and your advice is always what I need to hear. My one (tongue in cheek) question for you is when is Jane Nelson going to start giving you a cut of the proceeds on her book 🙂
Truly glad to be of service and be your friend-guru! Hmmmm, I will have to start asking for that, won’t I? Thanks for dropping by, Ilene. Always love to see your smiling face!
I’m at the start of the tween years with my oldest daughter and my youngest daughter isn’t far behind. This looks like a book I need to check out. I want my relationship with my girls to always be a strong one. I don’t need the power but I need them to feel close to me so they trust me and listen to me.
Kristen, having girls who do feel close enough to talk things over with you is so important. They may sound at times like they don’t need you, but they do. 🙂 You sound like a mom who will work hard for those relationships!
Ouch!
(Too close to home). Going to have to look up that book…
I really, really needed to read this today. Thank you. I am working on this as we speak. It is my first reaction to dig my heels in and show all the ways that my way is better but instead, I am forcing myself to really listen and it is hard because it isn’t all things I want to hear. “Rules without relationship, leads to revolt.” I’m making a poster of that or at least a laminated note card to take out and read when I want to just tell my teen what to do.
Oh, AnnMarie, we sound a lot alike. I practically have had to tape my mouth shut to keep from pointing out the wisdom of my way. May you find a reservoir of patience and an improved relationship with your teen!
So interesting. My son is still an infant, but I guess the time to start good non-power-play habits is now, when he’s throwing things on the floor and thinking it’s funny. I don’t know. And ugh, the multi-tasking thing. Guilty!
Choices and consequences, age appropriate, of course. 🙂
Children who grow up with love and respect, and who are listened to, and who are taught that every choice has a consequence, tend to grow into pretty nice .
Your son is most fortunate to have a mom like you, who actively seeks ideas on how to be a better parent. Awareness of our habits that don’t take us closer to where we want is half the battle! Thanks for joining the conversation!