As soon as I read her tagline, I knew right away that I’d have things in common with this weeks’ featured blogger. I got to know AnnMarie better through a How to Rock Your Blog class and am so happy to introduce you to her blog Tidbits from the Queen of Chaos.
On my blog, my tag line is, “It’s not always pretty but it is always honest” and though I pretty much don’t hold back, there are things I can’t say. I thought about how I hope that my kids someday look back and read the blog and laugh or think of me fondly. One thing I don’t think I want them to know, though is how much I miss the old me.
Before getting married, having kids, infertility, Cystic Fibrosis and losing my son, I was a different person.
I miss the days when I didn’t have to grocery shop at 11:00 pm or stay up past midnight just to get some time to myself.
I miss the days that I had a closet full of cute clothes that fit me and had someplace to go where people actually noticed.
I miss feeling well-rested and having energy to do more than lift a cup of tea.
I miss good hair days when I had time to put some effort into fixing it.
I miss when I thought bad things only happened to “other people”.
I miss a time when I didn’t feel invisible.
I miss the days when I didn’t feel like I was sinking in quicksand with kids’ issues, friend issues, health issues and a marriage where we don’t know whether we are coming or going or when we had longer than 30 seconds to discuss more than who is picking up which kid and where and the more I struggle, the more I get pulled under.
I miss waking up in a good mood instead of waking up to someone yelling, “Mom, where is my _____?”
I miss feeling smart. With two fourth graders doing math a way I don’t understand and an 8th grader asking for help in classes that I swear I didn’t do until high school, I suddenly feel like the only person I am smarter than is the 2 year old.
I miss listening to songs that I can lose myself in daydreams with on the radio instead of “Bringing Home a Baby Bumblebee.”
I miss having control of 27 second graders and telling them to do something and having them actually do it. I am always amazed by how little control I have with four children and how many times I need to say something before it gets done and usually at a tone that only dogs can hear.
I miss when my days weren’t riddled with guilt about every decision I have made so far in my life. I live in a constant state of “one choice and everything would be different” and the guilt at having married another carrier never goes away. Motherhood is hard anyway but watching your children fight a battle because of who you fell in love with makes it harder.
I miss the days when I didn’t look at little girls and wonder why they are so mean. I wish all moms would teach their daughters to be nice so that there would be less mean girls in the world.
I love my family so much my heart sometimes feels like it is going to burst. Being a wife and mom is a dream come true and I wouldn’t trade it for all the things I miss but sometimes…just sometimes, I miss the old me.
I think we can all relate. We love our lives now, but there’s something we miss from our old selves. What is it for you? Leave AnnMarie some comment love here and then go follow her blog. You can also find her on twitter and facebook.