I’m Ilene, creator of The Fierce Diva Guide To Life. My blog is a place where I share my passions, rant about my insecurities, and figure out life, one post at a time. I am a yoga teacher, freelance writer, mother of 3, lover of eyeliner, incense, and skullcaps, and a cheer mom, at least for now…
CHEER MOM
“You’ll have practices four nights a week. Sometimes more.”
“Yes, Mom, I understand.”
“They start in July. It’s going to change what you’re used to in the summer.”
“That’s fine.”
“We’ll have to leave the pool by four to get you there. Even if your best friend in the world walks in at four, you still have to leave.”
“I get it, Mom,” Miss F. snaps.
None of these warnings deter Miss F. from wanting to join cheer.
The Junior Pee Wee squad is a competitive squad, and they are serious about winning. In addition to the practices and Sunday games, there is choreography clinic, stunt clinic, and a mandatory gymnastics practice every Saturday.
Miss F. takes to cheer right away…except she does not take to leaving the rest of her life behind.
There is a daily fight to leave the town pool, which has been our home away from home for the past several summers. She resents having to leave the diving board contests, the butterfly catching, the Marco Polo games, and the lounge chair fortresses, as I had suspected she would. When Miss F. fights, she fights hard. Every day, there is a scene.
At least once daily, I say, “Maybe cheer wasn’t such a good idea.”
“No, Mommy, no! I love it!”
Yet, the struggles continue. There is a meltdown at the pool, or once we leave the pool, she seems to pick a fight about something. And now, with summer over, we’re still fighting, except it’s about homework and eating dinner, before leaving for practice.
I go back to the option of pulling her off the squad.
“You can’t pull me!” Miss F. protests. “They need me in the formations. They’ll have to re-do the competition routine if I quit!”
I haven’t pulled her yet, but I doubt I will let her cheer next year. I want what we all want for our children. I want my kids to find activities that they love, that teach sportsmanship and help build a healthy self-image. But not at the expense of our peace. The struggles that came with cheer have taught me three important lessons as a parent:
1) Know what’s sacred in your family, and honor it. Our lazy summer days at the pool are sacred. I will think carefully before allowing something to interfere with them again.
2) Theory and practice are two different animals! I tried to explain to Miss F. how cheer would impact her summer, but until she lived it, she had no way of understanding.
3) If something that is potentially good for my kids is not good for me, then it’s not good, period. Because in the end, the constant struggles over getting Miss F. to practice have not been good for any of us.
Have you been in a similar situation with your children and an activity in which they participate?
What was your solution?
What would you do differently next time?
Please leave Ilene some comment love here and then go visit The Fierce Diva Guide to Life.
You’re everywhere this week, Ilene! (and that’s a good thing)
I’m sorry it was such a struggle for you and your daughter with cheer. It’s the push and pull of wanting them to go for what they’re interested, versus what we as a parent know what’s best for them.
I have no advice. Instead, I shall take yours. 🙂
Push and pull is right! This taught me a lot about parenting, and respecting what’s sacred! I hate to say “no” to my kids when they want to do an activity, but sometimes, it’s the right thing to do!
I have no advice as we are just starting with regular activities but I would likely not sign her up next year. You are right, it is not worth loss of peace.
I am learning to look at the big picture more – and you nailed it with loss of peace. If the peace is lost, then it is really not worth it.
Cub Scouts – uggh. Monday night every week. We haven’t made it to a meeting yet this school year because so far little mister has not had his homework done and supper eaten in time for the 7 o’clock meeting.
I have the same rules with cheer! And the homework gets done but it’s a fight. How can this possibly be worth all the stress?
Dare I ask how old Miss F is!? Personally, I don’t think that level of committment, intensity, and competition is healthy at young ages. Too much pressure. Might I suggest that it the pressure being placed on her at cheer practice and gym time and clinic etc… are to blame for the discord of getting there? The idea that the squad would crumble without her is alot of responsibility for a little one.
I don’t mean this to sound like I am judging you or your decision because we all have to live and learn and follow our children’s passions. But your story is becoming all too common place and many parents feel they ‘have’ to put their kids in these types of activities or they will be ‘left behind’.
As for me and my family we will be happy to be ‘left behind’. Kudos to you for analyzing this situation and pre-planning for what to do next year. Many a parent would tell their child to ‘suck it up’ and ‘deal with it’ ‘you chose to sign up’ and there’s no turning back. As an anxious person, I feel for Miss F too. This is a big life lesson for her. Hang in there.
Cindy, you actually nailed it. Now, the the competition is close and the pressure is immense, Miss F. is actually admitting to how stressed she feels. No 8 year old (she is 8 to answer your question) should be stressed out over an after school activity…which might have been the culprit all along to your point. I want my kids to branch out and explore their passions – but not be stressed and miserable over them!
Your post is timely, as I sit here debating whether to let my daughter dance in the Nurcracker at her dance studio this December. She is begging, but I am already feeling overwhelmed with her regular activites…gymnastics, regular dance class and soccer. I know we COULD do it, but the question is…SHOULD we. Very tricky to find the right balance of activity madness vs. family peace and harmony. Thanks for the thought-provoking post!
I know that many of us are on the same page with finding the balance that works. I want my kids to explore but not at the expense of our family harmony. Best of luck with your decision!
I thankfully haven’t come up against this yet because I’m sure that Ash and I (being so similar) would come to blows very quickly! We had a tiny bit of an issue in the spring with lacrosse but we talked it out and it was more about being nervous than missing life.
Good luck!!
At first, Miss F was missing life, but now that the competition is around the corner, it’s stress. I will definitely do a follow up post to this one on my blog in a week or two – to be continued…..
I am waiting for this fight when my daughter is able to cheer. She has always wanted to cheer and she takes dance classes too. There is no.way that she can do both. Cheer has every day practice here as well, while she only has dance once a week. I am not looking forward to it.
It’s hard when they want to do something that puts too much pressure on the entire family! I am glad you at least know ahead of time how you will handle it.
I’m starting to feel this struggle as well. Last year we had dance class and swim each week, and both nights became a struggle. This year we dropped dance and are still going strong with swim. And now that she’s in school I’m faced with the daily memos of after school activities. For now, I’m sticking with swim. In the future, however, we may add more to her plate. Like you, I just can’t handle the fight.
This has taught me to think through the decisions on activities as many different ways as possible! And if it doesn’t work for me, it really doesn’t work period!
Oh, yes. One day I will tell you about gymnastics. Early on, one mom laughingly said, “Pre-team? Run! Get out while you can.” She was right.
Oh, gymnastics team! I have heard the stories….
With my girls it’s dance and it is definitely taking over our lives! With four girls in dance, I make multiple drives to the studio six days a week. My oldest dancer is in all the top companies so she is there all the time. And they love it! But sometimes the day-to-day is SOOO hard. I have so many kids, my rule is to pick two things…that’s it. Scouts and church activities don’t count. It’s kept me from going insane all these years.
Sandy
Yes! Setting limits! So true! From now on, I have to look not only at the number of activities but the commitment involved in each!
“Yes, mom, I understand.” Are you sure you weren’t hearing echoes from past conversations we had with our youngest?
*Sigh*
You are right. There isn’t a way for them to truly experience the consequences of their decision until they are there. I read that kids 9 and under just can’t clarify and predict what they’ll like. Now they tell me, that my children are young adults…
Here are some of my thoughts:
1. Does the group/team behavior and attitudes align with where you and your child are? Are they cutthroat? Is it casual? Is it high school level competition and expectations for 6 year olds? Is it a fun, supportive and encouraging group?
2. Can your daughter tell you what it is about cheering she loves? That might give you a window into the Why behind her insistence on joining and staying. Tapping into that Why Power is important for any of us to stay with something. Is it the actual movements/cheers, the teamwork, the sense of belonging, being on “stage”? I know when we were able to talk calmly with our daughter, be truly open to listening (Im curious type questions), we all came away much wiser.
3. My hubby and I read Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson and found lots of great, actionable ideas there, especially in regards to consequences rather than punishment. The consequences needed to be reasonable, related and respectful. Perhaps there is a way to work with consequences in this situation.
4. There was a lot in the book about power struggles with our kids (who, me? guilty 🙁 ) that was really eye opening and helpful in learning how not to engage.
A couple of helpful links:
http://life.familyeducation.com/extracurricular-activities/behavior/36536.html
http://www.positivediscipline.com/what-is-positive-discipline.html
I apologize for such a long response. I know what an incredibly frustrating issue this is and how it can spill over and effect everyone in the family. I hope you are able to find some ideas in all the great responses, Ilene! I’d love to hear how this season goes.
Kim, I want to give you a big hug right now for your incredibly thoughtful response! I am going to ask my girl those questions that you have posed. I think we all charged into cheer a little blindly – and I have learned enormous amounts in the process. There will be a follow up post on my blog about this in a few weeks – more developments since the writing of this article!
I am buying the book – you have mentioned it before and I want to learn to parent Miss F with the right kind of discipline – because our power struggles can get pretty big!
That’s a lot of what parenting is about, Ilene. Charging, crashing, picking ourselves back up and learning, and getting up to do it again another day.
I think the author of that book wrote—and I paraphrase here—that if there is a power hungry kid in the house, there is sure to be a power hungry adult as well. *Gulp* Power hungry is such an ugly phrase to label myself. Controlling? Nope. Helping to maintain order…yes, that puts a bit of a prettier spin on it. 😉
I know about the time-suck that is cheer…my twin nieces were on one of those teams that used to compete in Disney World every year…and win.
I think you are wise to not pursue a future of cheer. Because I believe wholeheartedly with your three lessons, especially the third: if it’s not good for mama, it’s not good, period!
Jen, it is so true – that if it’s not good for me, it’s really not good for anyone. I used to think that mindset was selfish, but I totally understand now why it’s important for me to put on the oxygen mask first! And cheer – you nailed it. not good for mama! Thank you for coming by!
Sounds like a nightmare – that’s a huge commitment for the parents, let alone the children! And sometimes the only way to learn our limits/our kids limits is through experience. Thank you for sharing yours! My daughter reacts to stress in exactly the same way – digging in and fighting back. I love your advice, especially #3. I hope I’m willing to take it as my girls’ activity level jumps in the coming weeks.
You are so right. And I definitely learned my limits and her limits through experience this time! We will not cheer next year. At least for a while….
I haven’t had anything this contentious yet. But then… I probably would have pulled in her the summer. We all live and learn.
I sort of kind of wish I had pulled her. I kept telling myself “one more chance, I will give her one more chance…”
Totally can relate!! We are going through this with soccer right now. My son wanted to sign up for it, but everyday it is a fight about going to practice as he has no time to just play- which between homework and dinner is actually pretty true. He has wanted to quit many times, once he gets there he loves it though and does good– but yea I think we may be done after this season.
And play time is important – and totally underrated these days! My girl gets off the bus and does home work, and eats dinner 3x a week before cheer. And that’s a lot after sitting in school for 6 hours. I want the to have activities, buy I am learning that the activities MUST be fun and have to allow them to first and foremost be kids! Live and learn….
My kids are still 2 and 1 so I have a long time. But I dont know. I know these things are good for them – but at what expense? I dont want to grow more crazy trying to get them to everything on time or possibly double booked. I thought this parenting thing was supposed to get easier. I need to go find the person that told me that and demand my time back :/
The double booked stuff gets crazy, because a lot of the time, my son has soccer the same time my daughter has cheer. The best advice I can give you is don’t be a martyr! If it’s not good for you or if it makes mom crazy, it’s not worth it!
Yes, all of your lessons. We’re learned all of these with Jasper – getting him to try soccer, getting him to do tumbling, swimming. I think that it was more important for me and Ed (or rather me) that he try and go out an do these things. Some he took to and some he didn’t but I felt like it was important for him to try. That lesson was most important to me despite the fight – that he wasn’t always going to be great right off the bat at everything and that sometimes he has to work, etc. But your last point about it having to be good for mama = gold.
It HAS TO work for mama from now on, that’s all there is to it! Kim gave such great advice above, about asking what is it Miss F likes about cheer so much. Can I find those values in another activity that will fit better into our schedule and won’y make me so crazy??
So nice to see you here, Ilene! And to answer your question – OH YES, have we had things we’ve entered into and realized belatedly our folly. But we live and learn I suppose. Though sometimes it’s oh-so-hard!
Thank you, Missy. So nice to be here! This one was a big “live and learn” for me! And hopefully, I really have!
I’m looking forward to your follow up post. I haven’t yet hit any of these challenges with my son, as he’s only two, but I already feel overwhelmed with regular daily life activities so I can’t imagine adding more to it. My godsister’s mother is extremely stressed… her daughter keeps adding plays, dances, foreign language classes to her schedule, and the person most stressed out is her mother. I think what you wrote about is so important for parents to think about. You know that saying, sometimes we just need to slow down and smell the flowers is so apt for our lives today. Thanks for sharing!
I have decided that when we are all stressed out over an activity like this for a prolonged period of time, that it is good for no one! Live and learn, and yes – a follow up post is coming! Thank you for stopping by!
I love your tips! Way to teach from your experience.
I have five kids. One year I had all of them in soccer at once and my son was playing football, too. That was ridiculous! I did tons of parent networking to get everyone where they needed to go and missed part of all of almost every game. I barely made it through that fall. I have slowed down a lot since then. My three oldest don’t play sports any more (they are 17-21), although one still dances and does drama. She can drive and gets herself where she needs to go. My son still does a lot of sports, but almost never overlapping. And my youngest only does basketball. It helps to have them doing different things so the conflicting schedules are less.
Happy Sharefest. Have a great weekend.
That’s a good insight – that your kids got to where they needed to go but that you missed out on seeing them since you could not always be there. I have many lines to draw in the extracarricular world. This was tough but has been a valuable experience in the end.
That is tough! If she loves it, then the hassles should stop. If she misses practice a few times, I bet she gets the idea that you are not going to dictate her time and activities. They really do need to learn the hard way.
I think that by a certain age, they DO need to learn the hard way. She is on that cusp between not really knowing and being able to know better. I will handle next year’s activities much differently!
Oy. Such a tough call! I think it’s wonderful that you’re at least communicating with your daughter to find out what she feels about everything, but sanity and peace of mind is important for mommy, too. I’m sure the constant back and forth and fighting is a strain for everyone but it’s difficult to say no to something your daughter clearly loves doing.
I wish I had better advice to give, but know that whatever you decide, will be the right decision. It sounds to me that you have explored all options and just want what is best for your children, while maintaining your own sanity. Best of luck to you! XOXO
That is EXACTLY it, Charlotte! I want what is best for my kids while maintaining my own sanity! Next year t he choices may be slightly different – and hopefully (fingers crossed) the battles will be smaller!
Shell, I love this lady! Great choice!
Ilene, that’s a tough one. Is it possible to not go to the pool on the afternoons she has cheer? Maybe you can eliminate some of the torture?
Oh, Adrienne! I am so glad you came by!
Now that summer is over, at least the battle with the pool is behind us. And next year, yes, I will handle it differently, if she indeed does cheer again (we will not go to the pool those days or will go early in the morning and leave HOURS before cheer, etc) Or maybe she won’t cheer at all? The longer we get into the season, the more cheer has worn her out. I think she may make a different choice next year on her own….
Yup. Been there many a time. The Cherubs know by now that if they want to participate in something, they’re in it for the season, no questions asked. No complaints allowed. If they do either? They’re automatically out for the next season.
Oh, Sue – you’re good. You’re really good. I need more of that matter of fact-ness that you apparently have with your kids!
I always told my daughter that she’s the one who made a well-informed choice to do this, not that. Therefore, she does not have the option to cry or complain about it. It didn’t always help, but putting the responsibility back onto her, reminding her SHE made this choice and it’s not a punishment I’m doling out to make her choose between (A) and (B)… it seemed to help. Of course, there were also those times when I just told her, “Once more, and I’LL make the choices for you and you WON’T like them.” That also settled her down. Good luck!
I like how you have reinforced with your kids that they need to take responsibility for their decisions. I probably should have pulled my daughter from cheer over the summer – but I kept saying “one more chance…one more chance….” sometimes, thought, they need to learn “the hard way…”