Jen’s a former NYC workaholic who quit the rat race to be more present for her family. Today she’s a PT marketing freelancer and FT mom, vegetarian and wine drinker. She blogs at take2mommy.com to document her second “take” at motherhood, now that she has slowed down enough to take it all in.
A Double Confession
As far as motherhood is concerned, I’ve got two secrets I’ve never shared with anyone, not even the husband, although he may have his suspicions.
I’ve decided it’s time to do what every mom blogger worth her salt has done after a glass or four of pinot, and spill it here on the interwebs.
Confession #1: I didn’t want to have children.
Throughout my twenties and thirties I was content with the way my single-lady life was unfolding. A challenging career consumed my weekdays and my adventurous spirit took over on weekends. I lived for mountain bike riding down leafy New England trails and for scuba diving in the tropics. In my mid thirties I also lived for my dog, a rescue pup who worshipped me back, and I dated the huz and owned my own condo. Life was good.
But the huz wanted kids, so nine months after we married, my son Boo entered the world. I tried hard to be a great new mom. However, six weeks after Boo was born, I did it. I put my infant child in daycare and went back to work full-time. Why? The answer is revealed in confession #2:
I didn’t love being a mom.
Do you hate me yet? Are you worried sick over my children, contemplating a phone call to Child Protective Services? Please don’t. I’m a good mom and I love my kids. I swear it.
However, as any mother can tell you, taking care of a newborn is tough freakin’ job. Besides being tough, I also found it terrifying. Plus, I wasn’t great at it. I was great at my corporate marketing job, but when it came to parenting, I just wasn’t… a natural.
When baby Dipsy came along 20 months after my firstborn, I tended to his every need for the first six weeks of his life. I then placed him in the arms of his brother’s capable daycare provider and went back to work again.
Work was where I felt capable and confident. It was a place where I was appreciated and respected. How often did I feel capable and appreciated at home with the babies? Not so much.
I did, however, give it all up. After a few years of juggling family and career, I clocked out for the last time. Heading to the office in the morning while my children were still sleeping, and coming home at night as they were going to bed? Not the way to live.
So here I am, a mother who is present. I may not be a natural. And I’ll never be supermom. But it turns out my kids don’t need me to be super, natural or perfect. They just need me.
Did you always want to have children? Did you always love being a mom? Your turn to spill it.
Leave Jen some comment love here and then be sure to go visit Take2Mommy!
I have always wanted to have children, and though I don’t ALWAYS love being a mom I would say 99% of the time I do. It is so funny that you talk about the daycare angle with your babies. I have worked in the daycare field as an administrator for 10 years now and there are a ton of moms out there like you. Moms who maybe don’t have that automatic comfort level with being mom. And some moms who maybe just aren’t that great with babies. The nice thing is that as I see the children grow up I also get to see the moms evolve and for the most it is a wonderful thing. Those moms who maybe didn’t know or want to work/life balance are all of sudden taking mommy and me days with their 4 year old. The mom who never felt comfortable cooing and singing with their newborn now has no problem skipping out the center doors to collect leafs with their 3 year old. I think that being a newborn mommy is not for everyone and certainly being a stay at home mommy is not for everyone. You just have to be patient until you hit the sweet spot of parenting.
I love your perspective! And I completely agree. I hit my parenting sweet spot a little late. But now I wouldn’t trade being a mom for anything.
I didn’t want children either when I was in my 20’s. I have friends who still remind me of that fact. 🙂
We will always end up where we’re meant to be, somehow. Glad you have found your easy, loving place with your children.
Thanks Alison. I do feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be right now!
You are a wonderful mother and person, ESPECIALLY because you can make those confessions! I did NOT enjoy those first few months of motherhood and felt horribly guilty over it. You’re not alone. It’s amazing how these little buggers can just sneak into our hearts and before we know it, everything we do is for them. 🙂
Thanks Tracy! Those first couple of months with my babies were such a struggle for me. Sounds like I’m not the only one who feels that way.
I didn’t want kids for a long time and I definitely am not a natural at being a mom. My life has turned out very different than I envisioned but I honestly am happier and more content than I have ever been.
Exactly how I feel Julia! Thanks for reading.
If you love your kids, and you’re giving them what they need, then you’re a good mom. We don’t all come to this in the same way–we’re not all the same person!
Ain’t that the truth! I have a good friend who has what she calls “Irish triplets.” When her little girls were ages 1, 2 and 3 all she could talk about was having more kids even though she already had 3 in diapers. I’m SO not that mom 🙂
I really enjoyed reading this and sensed one thing throughout, how much you genuinely love your children! I love how you end it too…so many of us can relate I think to not being “supermoms” or perfect in everything but to still cherishing that precious time with our kids and how they love and need us anyway. Great post!
Thanks Colleen, glad you liked it!
Wow! I love your honesty here. It is so hard to be a mom. So. Hard. That last line really got me!
It felt good to write this. Seriously, I’ve never actually come out and confessed these things to anyone!
I love your honesty! I always wanted to be a mom but I certainly don’t love every moment of being a mom. Like you, I went back to work when my first was 3 months old. I loved my job and with Hubs work schedule we basically parented in shifts and my son went to a family child care home about 10 hours a week. It was a perfect solution. But in my 11 year parenting career I’ve also been a SAHM and WAHM. You are right on with hitting the sweet spot of parenting. I think different people are more comfortable & better equipped to deal with certain ages/stages. Honestly the 8-11 year olds are much harder for me than newborns or two year olds or preschoolers.
Thanks Robbie. I figured you would be well equipped to deal with little ones, being a former pre-K teacher and all. Can I tell you that I could never be a pre-k or K teacher! Whenever I used to volunteer in my kids’ pre-k or kinder classes I would feel SO panicky…and marvel at the abilities of the teachers.
Love this! The best part? Honesty! :]
Thank you Stephanie! It felt good to get the honest truth out there.
Yes, very honest indeed. Good for you, Jen. It doesn’t really matter though, if you wanted kids or not, because it’s obvious that you love them very much, and they are happy kids.
And, yes, I always wanted to be a mom. I think I would’ve had more than 4 kids if my husband would’ve been on board 😉
Thanks Jen. Sometimes I think maybe something is/was wrong with me. Because I never could say, “I can’t wait to have kids.” Maybe I was just selfish. Good thing I married someone who wanted kids badly. I can’t imagine life without my little guys!
Somedays I wonder if I’m cut out for it, or if I’m just setting my daughter up for needing some serious therapy later on, but I do love being a mommy and I did want her.
If you <3 being a mom, I'm sure you're being a great one 🙂
“But it turns out my kids don’t need me to be super, natural or perfect.” So perfect! As yes, too many moms think they have to be/do it all. I always did want to be a mom– but I definitely do not always enjoy it- in fact some days I resent it.
It’s so hard sometimes, isn’t it? Especially when they are little. My boys are 6 and 8 and it is SO much easier for me now.
I could have written this post – minus the mountain bikes and scuba diving (which sound fabulous by the way) down to having 2 kids, 20 months apart, who were in daycare a few mere months after they were born – because I, like you, felt way more competent at work than at home with them! I had to ease into motherhood, and it took me years to feel comfortable with it! After 8 years, I am FINALLY coming into my own with it and loving it versus tolerating it. Great post – and great to see you here!
Me too Ilene! After 8 years I’m loving it, not “tolerating.” Glad you get me 🙂
I love and admire your honesty. I wasn’t sure I wanted to have children until my mid-30s and some days, I feel the same ambivalence now that we have two! Yesterday I wanted to run away; today I can’t get enough of our two daughters. Overall, I wouldn’t trade motherhood for anything in the world. Sounds like we’re the same on that!
Yes, it does sound like we’re in sync on this topic!
I always wanted a big family. My dream was 10 and then I was surprised with a couple of extra. I don’t think there is a right way or a wrong way to be a mom. Point is that you are one and you are the best one for your kids. Bravo for knowing that and choosing to be with them!
Sandy
You probably hear this a lot but…WOW, 12 KIDS?!?! How amazing!
Although I was content without kids at one point in my life, I am of course way beyond content now that I have them 🙂
I’ve wanted to be a mom for most of my adult life, but until this week, I always thought I wanted to be a mom who worked outside of the home. I was one of those moms, like yourself, who happily returned to work. My 12 weeks maternity leave was the longest (and shortest) time of my life!
But, as I did an abrupt u-turn on the way out of town for work this week to head back and pick up my sick baby from daycare, I realized I need to make some changes. I don’t know what that’s going to look like, but I know my number one job isn’t being on the road missing my kids growing up. Now, I just need to convince my husband that we can make it work…
I have children and there are days where I miss my freedom so much I literally want to put dark glases on and mysteriously catch a flight somewhere exciting. But then I woud miss them and feel like shit and want to be back home and I will feel even worse because the ticket I used for france should have gone in the education fund. oops.
Kiran
After getting pregnant at 19 and placing my daughter for adoption I went through the first 5 or so years of my 20s going back and forth between wanting children. Now at [almost] 32 and happily married I am eager to have children with my husband. Okay, one child. We’re almost 100% certain we only want one child but you just never know. We have started trying again after not trying all year. Hoping we will we be blessed in 2013.
I think it makes a great mom for being willing to confess your feelings. Sometimes we women hide our real feelings out of fear of being judged or accused of being a horrible mom. I’d much rather read about a mom like yourself who is honest and willing to be vulnerable than the one who puts on a front. Thanks for sharing your story.
When I called my brother to tell him that I was pregnant, I’m pretty sure he fell on the floor. I never wanted kids. I never babysat. I never even changed a diaper until Ash was born and I had to have Chris teach me how to do it with a baby in an incubator. Meeting Chris was definitely a changing factor in my life. I don’t know that I would be as good as a mom as I think I am without him being the amazing dad that he is.