Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Things They Can’t Say: ScooterMarie

I love the tagline of this week’s featured blog: A playground for my thoughts. Perfect description of what a blog should be. Please welcome Jocelyn, aka ScooterMarie as she shares how watching her parents’ marriage fall apart taught her what she should do in her own marriage.

“Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam…”

What? You’ve never seen Princess Bride? Well ok, that right there is a problem in and of itself, and I suggest you go watch it immediately. Or right after you read my post. Whichever.

But for those of you in the know, that is, of course, the start of the classic scene when Prince Humperdink is trying to get The Impressive (yet slow-talking) Clergyman to marry him and Princess Buttercup before her beloved Westley swoops in to rescue her. In my humble opinion, it is one of the greatest movies ever.

I digress…

Marriage.

That’s a loaded word, isn’t it? Life-long commitment. For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. For better or worse.

Unfortunately, that “worse” part is often too much for a lot of people to handle. Know anyone who’s been divorced? I thought so. So do I.

My parents.

It happened my senior year of college. Well actually, they separated that year. I don’t think the divorce was final until about a year later. But either way, I was grown.

Fortunately there was never any violence or adultery involved, just a lot of arguing and feelings of unhappiness. So I guess in that sense we were lucky? Hmm.

No, they just couldn’t be together anymore. You see, my dad is an alcoholic. And for the 25 years my parents were married, he was in a career which he loathed. Combine the two, and it is not a recipe for successfully creating a stable environment for your family.

And finally, my mom couldn’t take that anymore. The stress of constantly worrying. Is he going to be home on time tonight? Is he going to make it home in one piece tonight? Are we going to pay these bills this month? Are the creditors going to keep calling? Are we going to be ok?

Can’t really say I blame her.

Were they still in love? I don’t know. Were they ever in love? I’m honestly not sure. As awful as it sounds, I never heard them tell each other “I love you”.

This may sound strange, but when my sisters and I found out they were separating (which i just assumed would eventually lead to divorce), I wasn’t one bit surprised. Ever since I was little, in the back of my mind I had always figured that one day my parents would get divorced.

Say what?? Seriously? How could you be so heartless?

Hang tight, just hear me out.

Like I said, I never heard my parents tell each other they loved the other. In fact, there wasn’t a whole lot of good communication period.

If my dad came home drunk, there was no talking between them; just a tension that turned my stomach into knots. If he came home sober, the chances for conversation were better, but there was always just kind of an underlying sense of unease.

And I hated that.

I just wanted them to be happy together. The few glimpses we caught of that here and there were so excellent and made my heart swell so much, that I always wanted to bottle them up by the gallon so I could dump them out on the whole family and make things all better on those days when you couldn’t find the love.

But I couldn’t.

And I knew that couldn’t last forever. I knew they didn’t want to fight forever. I knew they didn’t want to feel resentful forever. I knew they loved me and my sisters dearly and that anything that happened between them had nothing to do with us.

Maybe they stayed married for 2 and a half decades because they wanted to keep our family together as long as possible. Maybe they lasted that long because they didn’t truly believe they’d ever divorce. Maybe they lasted that long because they just didn’t know what else to do.

They tried to reconcile during the separation, but my dad’s drinking got in the way of that too.

Either way, the answer finally came, and it sucked.

Plain and simple, divorce sucks.

Who wants their family shattered? Nobody.

My middle sister and I were in college when it happened, so we were pretty well out of the house and rather unscathed by the aftermath, if you will. My youngest sister was in grade school when they separated and unfortunately bore the brunt of the transition, since she was the only one still living at home.

And I will always be sorry for that. Sorry that she had to endure the destruction of our family by herself. Sorry that I wasn’t there to help her through it. Sorry that I was too selfish to even bother asking how she was doing through all of it. Sorry that it happened, period.

But it did happen.

The years that followed saw my dad spiral down into his alcohol and gambling addictions and eventually spend a little over 3 years in prison (yeah, another long story). Fortunately he has been out for over 2 years now, has a good and steady job, and is engaged to an absolutely lovely woman who won’t take any of his crap.

My mom eventually left our hometown, married a wonderful man, and is happier than I’ve ever seen her.

And my sisters and I are fine. My youngest sister does still harbor a lot of resentment and hostility from that time, but I think she’s slowly learning how to leave the past in the past and move on, too.

Me personally? you ask.

I’m good. Like I said, I kind of always saw that day coming, for as long as I can remember. How? No clue. Maybe I was clairvoyant? Damn, then I totally missed the Miss Cleo psychic network gravy train!

But something most excellent has come from watching my parents’ marriage crumble, oddly enough. I know now exactly what not to do in my own marriage. That may sound utterly ridiculous, but knowing what doesn’t work is a huge advantage.

And I have to say, so far, I think I’ve done a pretty good job.

Sure I’ve had some less-than-stellar episodes here and there, but R is my absolute best friend in the world. I tell him I love him all the time. We have loads of fun together, and the memories we’ve created to this point are I know just a fraction of what life has in store for us.

Us and our mawage.

ScooterMarie

Please leave Jocelyn some comment love here and then go follow her blog. You can also find her on twitter and facebook.

Comments

  1. Marriage is so very hard. I often wonder how my children when they are adults will reflect on my marriage. Will they think that their parent’s loved each other and had fun (I hope) or will they remember more the periods when we were upset and unhappy with each other.

    I am sure your parents had no idea that you “knew” that the marriage was destined for failure.

    And you are totally right knowing what not to do is sometimes better than knowing what to do.

    • You’re right – my mom read this and was surprised to hear how I always expected their divorce, as much as I obviously didn’t want it of course, but it’s true. For as long as I can remember I just always had that notion in the back of my head. So when it did happen, I honestly wasn’t surprised. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t too upset/hurt by it? Thank you for reading!

  3. I think it would be impossible to say that no one has been effected by divorce in one manner or another.  Yet, I can say divorce hasn’t had any kind of impact on my life style.

    I can relate from learning from family though.  My sister is 6.5 years older than me.  When she was a teenager, I sat back and watched her live a pretty destructive life.  I learned from her poor choices.  I managed to get through my teenage years (and young adult life) with out going through all the drama most teenagers face.

  5. Love reading you here!

    It’s so true how our parents’ stories affect our’s so, so very much. You really captured that here.

    (And I love the Princess Bride!)

  6. I started telling my parents to get a divorce when I was eight. When the finally DID IT 11 years later, it was the most stabilizing thing our family had experienced. Staying together for the kids is nonsense (and I’m SO GLAD your Mom got out and got happy.) My husbands parents divorced after 30 years of marriage, and he too, knew what they had done wrong. So we both came into the marriage knowing some of the big stuff to avoid. Are we a perfect couple? Oh hell no. But we’re way more in love just past the 10th anniversary than either of our parents were by that same time.

    • Congratulations on 10 years! It sounds like you totally get what I’m saying – somehow I just knew. It was obvious that they wouldn’t be married forever. Well, to me anyway. 🙂 And knowing the big stuff to avoid is an invaluable secret weapon to have. Does it always work perfectly? Of course not, but it’s very very helpful.

  8. Nice to meet you Jocelyn. The stressed, sarcastic side of me wants to say ‘hello, I’m your Mom’. Still waiting for my happy ending but, guess I’ll have to settle for finding a new bloggy friend and watching Princess Bride. (LoL)

  9. Thank you so much for sharing your story. This really touched my heart. I’m so glad you are able to come away stronger from everything.

    My parents had an awesome, loving marriage, till one day (30 years into their marriage) my dad called to tell me that they were separating. He didn’t give details. As I found out several months later, my mom was leaving him for a guy she knew in college and had reconnected with. 30 years. I was planning my own wedding at the time. To this day, 8 years later, I am not over it. I’m not over her. Thankfully I saw the love, though, the hand-holding, the letters they wrote, the messages they left for each other in my childhood. My husband’s parents still 34 years into live in a loveless marriage and treat each other like dirty. We learn from both. I’ll never be like my mom, he’ll never be like his dad.

    • And thank you for your story, Natalie. It’s really pretty amazing what we learn from our parents’ or others’ marriages to take away into our own – good, bad, or otherwise. Thanks for reading and sharing!

  10. If I’m being honest, I always wished my parents would get divorced. My mom died when I was young, and my dad was (is) an alcoholic, and my stepmom was (is) an enabler. I saw them kiss when he walked in the door, but I don’t remember anything else marriage-like about their marriage. Lots of fighting, usually about me, always out of eyesight (but never out of earshot—it was an old house). She wasn’t very nice to me, and my dad was always caught in the middle. She’d been there since I was 3 or 4, so it’s not like I didn’t grow up with her. It just seemed she wanted my dad all to herself, and I was in the way of that. So, yeah, I kinda wished they’d gotten a divorce. I wanted a dad.

    • Oh, and it gave me all sorts of baggage going into my marriage. I had no idea how to be married or what a marriage looked like. I especially didn’t know how to have an argument. We’re almost seven years in now, though, and I’m figuring all of this out.  🙂

      • Thank you for sharing, Rachel. I’m sorry you grew up watching your dad and stepmom’s marriage that way and how it impacted you. I understand 100% the out-of-earshot fighting – we would hear that too on nights after my sisters and I were in bed. Well, I did, anyway; I assume they did too. Ours wasn’t a soundproof house, either. We were lucky that our parents never mistreated any of us, and I’m very sorry your stepmom did that to you. That’s not fair to any child, by blood, marriage, whatever. But I am so glad to hear that things are getting better for you guys now in your marriage. And I think I’m still learning how to have an argument too, now that you mention it. 😉 From my parents I did learn that silence is rarely the answer.

  11. Hi Jocelyn.  
    My mom and dad stayed together even though his drinking was pretty bad. My parents loved each other but often times I remembered periods when i knew they weren’t very happy.
    I’m glad your parents went on to find happiness with other partners, and i think there’s plenty of wisdom in leaning from watching  what happened to your parents.  
    My dad unfortunately sucommed to his alcoholism and died in his early sixties, mom never remarried, she’s 84 now. They were married 40 years at the time of his death.

    • Oh Jen, I’m so very sorry to hear about your dad. Fortunately mine is now nothing like the drinker he used to be, and even had about 6 years of total sobriety in there just before, during, and after he was in prison. It’s now a moderate, social thing like it is for most of the rest of us, even though I would prefer he had stayed a complete teetotaler all together (that’s another whole story itself though!). I agree with you – much can be learned from watching our parents, whether we learn what to do or what not to do. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your story, too.

  12. Alcoholism is so destructive, isn’t it? One of my aunts was an alcoholic for 20yrs (sober now for 17yrs!) and my three cousins were raised by two sets of grandparents, it was hard to see and understand as a child on the “outside” but luckily she got help, and got better. I’m sorry that you had to see it right up close, but glad that it helped you to know what you did and didn’t want out of a marriage. Happy also for your parents that they’re doing well, and happy. congrats to you on a wonderful mawwiage. 🙂 (great movie, by the way!!)

    I’ve been lucky in that there are only a couple of divorces in my family – all gone through by the above-mentioned aunt (5 or 6 or 7 times) otherwise, my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts & uncles,cousins, and even almost all of Hubs’ family have/had long-lasting happy marriages… I don’t know that I’ve learned much what NOT to do, but I’ve had so many examples of wonderful marriages to learn from, that I’ve tried to model my marriage after them in different ways. Hubs & I started dating in 10th grade, and have been together for 15 years (next month!)… we just celebrated our 5yr wedding anniversary in November and are very much enjoying life with our 3yr old and soon-to-be newborn…

    wishing you many more years of wonderful mawwiage 🙂

    • Thank you, Rusti! And to you!! 15 years together? That is fantastic! And congrats as well on the newborn-to-be – so exciting!! 

      I’m very sorry to hear about your cousins’ life with an alcoholic mom, but so glad to hear of her long-lasting sobriety! And I love that you guys both have so many wonderful examples of solid marriages in your families off which to base your own. It sounds like you are very happy together, and that is what’s important!

  13. My parents have been married for 45+ years…how?  I’m really not sure.  There were plenty of days where us kids thought that would be the last.   My husband’s parents divorced when he was 13…that was hard.  He says the same thing you do…it taught him what NOT to do…and he is determined to keep this family together.  Which, I think is just Awesome.  
    Glad your parents are happy, glad you made it through Ok.
    Princess Bride rocks…  Great post!  

    • Thanks, Suzanne!! 45 years?? Wow! I would love to be able to say that someday, so hopefully I will. 🙂 Your husband’s right – seeing what not to do makes me strive that much harder not to make those mistakes. And seeing my parents happy in their lives now is great – it makes it clear that the way things turned out was for the best. Now I want to go watch Princess Bride again! 

  14. I understand your statement “But something most excellent has come from watching my parents’ marriage crumble, oddly enough.” My parents marriage is still in-tack and strong but my dad was for so many years kind of an absent parent. He taught us to work hard, etc but didn’t really show us love (his father was an alcoholic and his parents never said I love you) so he improved a ton from what he came from– but was never really there. And it is through the mistakes he made that led me to look for a husband that I knew would be a different kind of father.
    Now I actually have a good relationship with my father but it really wasn’t until after I graduated high school that I felt like I talked to him for the first time.

    • Hi Emmy. Thank you for your story. I know what you mean about the not showing emotion thing, too. Growing up we were never a very affectionate, outright “I love you” type family. Yes we loved each other dearly, and my sisters and I all knew how much our parents loved us, but it just wasn’t really expressed that much. Neither sets of my grandparents were very affectionate with their kids growing up either, so that’s just how my parents were raised. It’s funny though – since my parents’ divorce, we all end every phone conversation with “I love you”, hugs flow freely at each meeting, and I’ve even seen my grandparents be more affectionate with their children (of course they’ve always given the grandkids plenty of hugs and kisses 😉 ). I’m very glad to hear your relationship with your dad has improved, too!

  15. “The few glimpses we caught of that here and there were so excellent and made my heart swell so much, that I always wanted to bottle them up by the gallon so I could dump them out on the whole family and make things all better on those days when you couldn’t find the love.” — That’s powerful.

    As crappy as it must have been, what a great lesson to learn in how to handle your own relationships. I like to think my husband and i have learned the same from our parents, his divorced, mine not (but not good communicators).

    • Thank you so much, Leigh Ann. Thank you! That’s the most important lesson I learned from all this – communication is absolutely the most important thing you need for any relationship to survive. I know I’m not perfect at it either, but I do think it gets better every day. 

  16. Divorce is always tough…no matter the age of the children. But you have such a great attitude about it…I bet lots of people would do good to read your take.

  17. Thank you for this post. My parents had a wonderful marriage and still do 40 years later, but I watched from the sort-of-sidelines as my husband’s parents marriage fell apart. He was already out of the house and living with me when it happened but his youngest sister was only 13 at the time and bore the brunt of it. It was ugly (adultery was involved) and we have ended up mediating between his parents and for his sister on many many occassions. To this day we can’t have his parents in the same room together — which is difficult and uncomfortable for everyone. What I’ve learned from all of this is marriage is hard work and you have to work at it every day. There is no safety line where you can say, ‘well we’ve been married this long, so everything will always be fine.’ My husband’s parents were married for 29 years when they broke up.

    • Oh I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s parents’ divorce, Deb. I especially know how hard it can be on the younger child(ren) who may still be at home and bear the brunt of everything when it happens further into a marriage. I agree completely – marriage definitely takes work. Like anything else, if you just sit there and hope things work out but don’t do anything to make that happen, then they probably won’t. Thank you so much for reading and sharing!

  18. I love The Princess Bride but I love that you learned from your parent’s mistakes more. It is important to say I love you and to laugh. Things that seem so simple can make a huge difference!

  19. I totally understand learning what NOT to do in a marriage from your parents. Same here. My parents are married still – 35 years – but there have been separations and many moments where I wondered if they would last. I love them dearly, and I believe they do love each other, but they have serious issues in their relationship and I work really hard to not do those things in mine. Because of what I “learned” growing up, it is something I have to work at all the time.

    • Thank you, Melissa. I know exactly what you mean – seeing this or hearing that between my parents growing up made me learn what I didn’t want to do when I got married. And, like you, I try to work on that every day. 

  20. I can REALLY relate to this. My parents divorced 18 months ago. She left him a week before their 40th anniversary. They were never lovebirds. There wasn’t any alcoholism while I was a kid. It’s just that they fought all the time. Always. Very strong personalities and they got stronger and more irritating as time went on. None of us were surprised, but people outside of the family were land blasted by it. But I’m with you: That’s an example of what I don’t want to happen to us. And if God forbid anything ever changed between me and my husband I’d get the heck out and not wait 30 years and make my grown kids and grand kids deal with it. 

    • Yep – as strong an example as a loving, wonderful marriage is, a broken one can sometimes be even more powerful. No one wants to see destruction in their family obviously, but really seeing what doesn’t work can also be a guide. I hope your parents do find happiness now outside that marriage. Thank you so much for reading and sharing too, Ali.

  21. When my oldest daughter got married, the Bishop who performed the ceremony started it with those exact words. It was just a joke and everyone laughed. I love the Princess Bride.
    Sandy

  22. Jocelyn – this is so bizarre. I can’t believe how many similarities we have. I was in college and my brother and sister were older but my younger brother was still in grade school. My father – really similar circumstances. And even though it rips the family apart, there is a relief that the unhappiness is over. Unfortunately, my mom has never really moved on. I’m glad your parents have found some sort of happiness.

    • Oh my gosh – I had no idea we had such similar stories! You’re right – the relief once the divorce came was good. I mean of course none of us really wanted it, but it was so obvious they were unhappy remaining together. And I won’t lie – those couple years immediately following were terrible for my dad, and my mom as well before she found my stepdad. But thankfully they have both come out better on the other end. I’m sorry your mom hasn’t moved on, but hopefully she will find happiness.

  23. Jocelyn!!! That’s the spirit! My SIL got a divorce and blamed her parents by saying, “They did so, I will.” Incidentally, Her brother and I are married 20 years and my mom has been married and divorce 5 times. It excites me to read your confidence and excitement.

    And Princess Bride is one of the greatest movies EVER!

    • Thank you, Maggie! 20 years?? Congrats!! That is awesome, and something I definitely want to say some day too. I honestly don’t think divorce must be a terrible example for children, assuming there is no violence, abuse, etc. Like in my parents’ case – sure I hated that my family was no longer together, but we knew it was for the best. And it has turned out to be. 

      I’m so glad so many others love Princess Bride as much as I do! 🙂

  24. It’s so true that how our parents are effects how we are as adults. I’m glad that you have the positive attitude towards this.

  25. Hi Marie..it’s so nice to meet you.

    I really liked this post, my parents loved and fought for every year of their marriage too. My dad died suddenly when I was 26 and I always say that it was one of the most humane things he did for our family. I loved him and my parents told each other they loved each other all the time, but we had a very violent home . So I know exactly how you felt, relieved ? Like me? If my dad had lived I know in my heart that my parent’s would have divorced eventually and it would have hurt even more.
    My mom is remarried to a great man and for me..just like you..my marriage is something I work on, revel in and try not to make the same mistakes in. I also picked a man completely different from my dad. The only similarity is that my dad truly LOVED my mom and my husband truly loves me. It’s the only thing that matters.

    Loved meeting you….thank you Shell for introducing Marie to us!!!

    • Thank you, Kir! Yes, we all knew them separating was what was best, even though we obviously didn’t wish it to happen. I’m sorry you grew up in a violent home, but I am so happy to hear your mom has found someone wonderful.

  26. You have one heck of a head on your shoulders! My parents are still happily married, but I’m divorced. My ex was the child left in the house when the marriage fell apart while the others were grown and married. It played a HUGE part in the downfall of my marriage. I’m glad, though, that mine ended when it did, because my children were too young to remember the crazy.

    • I’m sorry to hear of your divorce. And I hope my youngest sister can move past her issues from my parents’ divorce so she doesn’t take them into future relationships the way your ex unfortunately did. Thank you for sharing with me!

  28. Hopefully no one in my family can read this, but I have always wondered why my mom hasn’t left my dad. He treats her terribly and orders her around. Growing up my sisters and I always talked about how we would never marry men like him, and they both did. Both lazy and ungrateful for the women they are blessed with. Luckily, I didn’t and married an honest, helpful and caring man that I know works hard every day for our marriage. 

    It’s a shame, but sometimes divorce is the best answer. Loved learning more about what makes you so strong!

  29. I’m so sorry you had to experience this but I’m glad that you’ve learned such wonderful, invaluable lessons in the end. And I imagine that applying those to your current hubby/relationship ensures you’ll never live in a household fraught with worry, stress, and anxiety.

    Best of luck to you; this was a beautiful PYHO.

  30. Wow. Love this post!!! My folks’ divorce was official last year, but my father was unhappy for years. No alcohol involved, just my overbearing, critical mother!! Hell, I’ve considered divorcing on more than one occasion! There are good lessons for the children of divorce, especially not to take each other for granted… but I’ve also learned to try to call each other out on our shit instead of burying it (like my father did for years) to “keep the peace”. Not worth it. Get it OUT!! Glad to hear things are great with your parents now… and that you learned some lessons through it.