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August 2, 2013 by: Shell

Things They Can’t Say: One and Done

Christina’s a 40-ish proud Mama to a 3.5-year-old girly girl who loves the color pink (which Christina can’t stand). Life’s far from perfect, but living life for today right alongside her gorgeous girl makes it pretty close to perfect to Christina. Find her blogging at Finally Mom.

Well, it’s been over three and a half years since I had Lovie and today I find myself yearning for another little one to hold, to feed, to nurture, to snuggle, to love, to grow, to Mama. And with that yearning come tears. Not the ugly-cry type of tears, but a couple tears for sure.

We’re one and done.

We made that decision long ago.

Of course if something happens, it happens and we’ll deal with it, but we’re one and done.

I was not fond of pregnancy. It wasn’t very enjoyable—except for the kicks and the end result.

I hated the worry (this wasn’t my first pregnancy, just my first viable one); I hated the exhaustion, the carpal tunnel in both hands, the sciatic nerve, the gestational diabetes (which the doctor informed me would more than not occur even earlier in another pregnancy).

I was not fond of pregnancy.

Plus I’m old(er) and fat. And tired. I’m so tired as it is. I just can’t fathom enduring another pregnancy. I just can’t.

Lovie would make an amazing big sister; of this I’m absolutely sure. She would be loving and doting and oh so caring. I’m sure there would be some fighting here and there, but I really feel that she would be amazing with a little sibling. I see her with other babies when I drop her off at school. I’ve seen her play with a 17-month-old who wanted to touch her face and hair. Lovie allowed it. She smiled at the wee one and allowed her face and hair to be touched. She thought it and the baby was cute. She loves so much.

us-6-2013-fm

I used to think I couldn’t handle it—Lovie and a new baby. But I’m pretty confident that I could. I’m confident Lovie would be a great helper. I’m confident I would have the love to give to both Lovie and a new child.

But we’re one and done.

We just are.

I’ve never felt sad about this decision: Lovie is an incredible child who I cherish immensely.

But today I have tears in my eyes that she will be the *only* one I get to Mama.

Today I *am* sad about this decision.

I just kind of hope that by owning these feelings, I can move past them and dote on that Lovie of mine all the more.

fM

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Comments

  1. christina says

    August 2, 2013 at 7:48 am

    thanks so much for having me! 🙂

  2. Jackie says

    August 2, 2013 at 8:42 am

    Lovie is one lucky chickie to have you as her mama Christina! 

    • christina says

      August 5, 2013 at 8:32 am

      You are too too sweet, thank you.

  3. Sara says

    August 2, 2013 at 8:57 am

    Oh… that is one tough feeling. I hope you find a way to sort it out, Christina!

    • christina says

      August 5, 2013 at 8:33 am

      It’s so odd b/c I really didn’t have these feelings for so long– so long, in fact, I thought something was wrong with me. I do think that admitting to them will make it easier to sort them out.

  4. Blogging Bibliophile says

    August 2, 2013 at 10:21 am

    Oh, that’s tough. Really tough. I’m sending you a big hug!

    • christina says

      August 5, 2013 at 8:33 am

      much appreciated and hugs right back. 🙂

  5. Julia says

    August 2, 2013 at 11:20 am

    I know that feeling we aren’t sure if we are one and done or if we are two and through but my son is nearly 3 and we’ve sort of reached the now or never point.

    • christina says

      August 5, 2013 at 8:34 am

      Good luck to you and yours.

  6. Mama and the City says

    August 2, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Aww Christina. Your little one is a lucky child to have you as a mom. You are trying to do the responsible thing – after mentioning the reasons why you can’t go for a 2 baby.

    Hugs and hope the hurt subsides fast.
    Nadia

    • christina says

      August 5, 2013 at 8:35 am

      Thanks so much, Nadia.

  7. Teresa says

    August 2, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    We are “two and through” and I have the same feelings. But I’m tired, and my 6 year old has Autism, and my body most assuredly would not be able to handle another pregnancy. But, then…yeah…what if.
    I know it’s best that we stop where we’re at. Logically.

    You’ll do what’s best for your family in the end, too. Whatever that is. 🙂

    • christina says

      August 5, 2013 at 8:36 am

      absolutely Teresa. I think it’s only natural to have questions and mixed feelings. thanks for reading & commenting!

  8. Susi says

    August 3, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    I think, it’s great that you share your feelings on the matter so openly and that even though you know you are done, you still wish for another… I do think, it’s good to talk about these feelings and like you said, have that help you get over them!!! Lovie is adorable and I’m sure, very well loved – siblings or not!!! 

    • christina says

      August 5, 2013 at 8:37 am

      Hi Susi, thanks for reading & commenting. And thanks for the complement on my sweet love.

  9. just JENNIFER says

    August 4, 2013 at 7:02 pm

    Yep, GD does start earlier in subsequent pregnancies. I experienced that. You know, sometimes I wish we could have a third, but no, we’re good just the way we are. I just need a baby fix!

    • christina says

      August 5, 2013 at 8:39 am

      Yeah, I do think it’s just needing that baby fix. For so long now, seeing and holding a newborn did nothing for me. Sure they’re cute and all but I’ve got Lovie. Now thought? Eeek!! I just wanna snuggle em up all day & night… BUT. it sure is nice not to have to get up to feed and coddle 3 times during the night. 😉

  10. christina says

    August 5, 2013 at 8:38 am

    Yeah, I do think it’s just needing that baby fix. For so long now, seeing and holding a newborn did nothing for me. Sure they’re cute and all but I’ve got Lovie. Now thought? Eeek!! I just wanna snuggle em up all day & night… BUT. it sure is nice not to have to get up to feed and coddle 3 times during the night. 😉

  11. Melissa says

    August 6, 2013 at 10:21 am

    So cool to find you here 🙂

    I can so relate to this post. I find myself moving back and forth, at various times of the year, between being okay with the blessings I have and wanting just one more. It would be easier if I could just wrap my mind around one reality and stop playing the occasional “What if…” game.

Welcome to Things I Can't Say: Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom. I'm Shell. Boy mom, beach girl, bookworm, ball games, baker, brand ambassador, Thinking yoga, food, and travel should start with "b," too. Finding the easiest way to do some things while overthinking so many others. Read More…

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