Looking at a list of all of the fabulous places this week’s featured blogger has been featured makes me feel a little intimidated. She’s been everywhere! But, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting Ellen of Love That Max in person and she’s so sweet that I forgot to be intimated. In case you haven’t met her yet, you are in for a treat.
Would You Call My Son A Retard? That’s the name of the video I made last month, to raise awareness about the rampant use of the word “retard.” It’s a very personal thing for me: My son, Max, is cognitively impaired due to a stroke he had at birth. When people fling the word around as an insult, it demeans people with disabilities—even if the word isn’t directed at my son. Saying stuff like “That’s so retarded!” spreads the idea that people with disabilities are stupid and loser-like. It demeans my son. It’s painful to hear when you love someone who is differently abled.
I’ve written about the use of the word “retard” before, and gotten a whole lot of nasty comments. Then my video made it onto CNN.com’s homepage and… whoa. The comments. Beyond ignorant and nasty. The kinder ones said “You’re retarded for doing this.” I didn’t respond. I finally stopped reading, and I decided to choose pity instead of anger. Still…
6 things I’d like to say to the nasties
1) Do you have a mother?
2) Were you perhaps raised by wolves?
3) Do you think that an ignorant or angry quote from a commenter, especially an anonymous one who’s too cowardly to use his/her real name, matters at all in this world? Nope. If anything, you’ve probably helped people understand just how much ignorance there is out there about kids with disabilities, and why I’m speaking up about one word—and about RESPECT. That’s really what matters here.
4) Do you believe that if you intellectually try to argue me out of why railing against one word doesn’t matter you’re going to sway my opinion? Nope. It matters to this mom, and to many others. It’s a hurtful word. Find another one to use, it’s not that hard.
5) If you think you’re funny by calling my efforts “retarded,” I’m sorry for your humor disability. Alas, there is no therapy for that.
6) Do you believe in karma? I do.
Ellen and Max
I’d like to say that to the nasties, too, wouldn’t you? Please leave Ellen some comment love here and if you aren’t already following her blog, twitter, and facebook: go do it!
Ellen, thank you for taking a stand! I’ve shared your video on FB. With the current push against-bullying, I do believe erasing the “R” word is one more necessary step.
Ellen, an excellent video. And I love your comments to the nasties. End the word. Word.
Daily people seem to forget two things: language has power and others are actually people. I often wonder how people would feel if they were made to watch their actions, listen as an outsider to how the words and assumptions they fling pelt people to their soul.
This was such an incredible post and video. I will carry the message as well.
I’m sharing this video. Well done!
It is such a horrible word. I love that you are taking a stand on this topic.
Ellen: I would call your son a beautiful little boy! What I’d like to call the nasties should not be written in a public forum. (LoL)
Loved meeting Ellen at Blissdom last year. End the nasties. End the word. xo
I love me some Ellen!!! We met each other online years ago through a blig awarsd thingy. I simply fell in love with her. She is definitely one if the people I missed by not going to Blissdom. I love her commitment to ending the word.
Hmmm… I forget Shell’s swearing policy. But I won’t apologize. Those people are ASSHOLES. Or maybe assHATS. (Though I will apologize for getting longwinded. But I won’t delete. )
My mother worked for years with adults with severe and insurmountable developmental disabilities. She worked at a state facility that had, as late as the 1970s, chained people and caged them. The state took over and things improved, but she knew and cared for some of those people after they stopped living in cages. She saw how it scarred them. How it shortened their lives. When she started in the field in the mid 1980s, it was called MRDD – Mental Retardation and Developmental Delays. By the time she retired in 2010, the ‘MR’ had been dropped. Needless to say, the change was a good one.
My kids have autism. They ‘pass’ most of the time, because their symptoms are subtle in most situations. But my daughter goes to a school for kids with autism. My son will go there next year. And many of the children there have been slammed with the ‘r’ word. It’s offensive, it’s degrading, and it’s wildly inappropriate.
But then again, I’m also someone who opposes ‘that’s so gay’ to mean ‘idiotic’, too. So I’m probably one of the crazies.
So glad you share this video.Have something to realize.Anyway you have a handsome and adorable son.
LOVE #6. My first thought when I read that you were getting those kind of comments was, “Karma’s a bitch. I bet it’ll mean something to you when YOU have a child with a disability.” I guess that makes me a vindictive person, but I just think that EVENTUALLY, what goes around, comes around. (Or at least it SHOULD)!
I’m lucky enough that my children are healthy and happy-(at least on the days they’re not trying to make me feel like a bad Mom)! But we have disabilities in our family, so, yes, it is something that is important to us as well. My 10 year old said to me about 2 years ago, “Eric has Downs Syndrome?” He’s been around him his whole life. To him, he’s just Eric. And Evan, who has Hydrocephalus, is just Evan.
I’m not saying my kids don’t say things that I wish they didn’t, but I DO know they’re aware of disabilities in other people, and they know better than to call someone retarded. I can honestly say I heard one of my boys say it ONE time, years ago, and that’s the last time I’ve ever heard it out of them. (And did I mention THEY’RE KIDS)!
So you keep spreading the word. And the people that REALLY matter? They’ll have your back. And they’ll be there to give you a hug. And applaud you for getting the word out. THOSE are the people that are important.
Those other ones? They’re not worth your time and effort. They’re the same people that probably would have been KKK members in the 60’s, or think beating up a gay person is okay because they’re gay, or think women shouldn’t be able to vote, because they’re women. And THOSE people? THEY’RE the ones with the REAL disability. It’s called STUPIDITY. And as Ron White says, “YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID!”
This was something I had never really thought about until one day, way several years ago, I was at a friend’s house and I did something dumb and made the comment that “OMG, I’m so retarded.” Her brother-in-law, who has Down’s Syndrome, was sitting there and started laughing. He said, “You’re not retarded. I am.” Like I was the funniest person in the whole world. To this day that statement is one of the top ten in my life that I would like to take back. Since then I try really, really hard to never use that word.
I often wonder what kind of pleasure someone gets by posting nasty comments on a post. Really. Aren’t the people who do that just emphasizing the cyber – bullying problem that is bad with our tweens and teens.
It is horrifying. Love Ellen’s take on the Nasties.
Oh, I just LOVE this!! I hate the ‘r’ word. My younger sister has Down syndrome, and every time I hear that word it angers me beyond belief!!! I love the movement trying to end the use of the word.
Your Max looks like such a sweetie.
And, I believe in karma too 🙂
Such a powerful video. Thanks for what you are doing!
I hate the “R” word. I never thought too much about it until my oldest daughter was brain injured in a car accident at the age of four. Before that day, I had a perfectly healthy non-impaired in anyway child….so the “R” word didn’t apply to my life in any way, so it didn’t offend. But after that day, the word made me cringe. It made me sad. It made me angry. I suddenly had a daughter who couldn’t walk or talk or keep drool from running down her chin. Her eyes wouldn’t focus. She made moaning sounds instead of words. And hearing that “R” word used so casually really bothered me. Good for you for taking a stand and making this video. THANK YOU.
I cannot imagine anyone coming at you negatively in response to your attempts to enlighten and evoke tolerance, compassion, awareness.
This saddens me. But what lifts me up is the knowledge that you will continue to fight and that perhaps these pathetic people’s efforts will encourage others to fight against ignorance and cruelty, too.
It is one thing to be unaware; it is quite another to rail in the face of a person’s sincere attempt to share her heart. Shame on those people who used the word you were repudiating against you.
And cheers to your strength of will and heart.
Why yes, yes I do believe in karma.
(Love the video, love this post.)
Great video.
And I do believe in Karma.
Some days karma is what keeps me going 😉
You do an amazing job, you are the greatest advocate for your own child and for many, many others …
and the rest of us, are grateful that you take the stand that you do.
I, unfortunately, am one who has used the word retarded a lot. But because of blogging, I have learned that it’s actually a totally inappropriate thing to say and I have made a concentrated effort to stop. And I’ve told my kids I don’t want them saying it, and that I have been wrong to.
I’m so sorry people have been so rude to you.
Wow. That video gave me chill bumps. What a moving post! I can feel the love and compassion she has for her son in every word I read. It’s beautiful!
People are ignorant. But? A lot more people know how to love. We have to focus on them!
I totally agree with you! I have an autistic son and that “R” word is forbidden in our house.
Sandy
Shell you have the best posts here. And bloggers. The nasties are ignorant, it’s true. Wish there were less of them in the world.
Great post…fabulous post… I’m embarrassed to say that I used to say it all the time…picked it up as a child… in high school/college I had an epiphany that this was neither kind, nor politically correct and started saying I was ‘Special Ed” instead… which is no better…fortunately, that didn’t last long AND now, I say nothing, because it’s NOT okay. We teach children not to say ‘stupid” but we aren’t always as diligent about other labels… my students look at me like I have three heads when I get all over them about certain words…ones they don’t consider “cussing”. Its still not OKAY!!!
When I was a kid I lived in Germany, and we often picked up a lot of the slang that the American kids would say when they came into our town from base. When I moved to the US, I was saying the R word all the time, not understanding what it meant. When I got into highschool, and worked with the CDC class–I met a little boy named Max who has sever cerebal palsy and mental disabilities. He also had suffered a stroke when he was a baby. I was taught so much in that semester, especially what the R word means, and how degrading it really is.
We do not put others down in my household. My husband and kids know that I find it completely inappropriate. We dont say stupid, idiot, dumb, or anything else negative. I dont want them to grow up thinking its ok to call themselves or others that. Thank you for your video. Thank you for your post. And screw the people who have nothing better to do than to flood you with negativity. Your son is beautiful!
Humor disability! That made me crack up. I wish that people were able to accept that something is hurtful without having to experience what your friend did in that restaurant. I had a similar experience when as a teenager, I referred to someone as ‘faggy’… in front of my gay cousin. I wanted to die, and I never used that word again. I used to say things were retarded, but since I’ve grown up and read so many blogs from people like you, I don’t. I don’t think my kids have even heard that word. I’m sorry people are so stupid and mean.
I read luv that max all the time. She really is total awesomesauce!