Today’s featured blogger has one of the best and most appropriate blog names out there. Every time I have visited her since she changed her blog name, I get that dang-why-didn’t-I-think-of-that pang. Please welcome Rach of Life Ever Since.
I don’t usually talk about other people in my life on blog, except of course my husband and child. So when Shell asked me to share something that I can’t say on my blog, my heart ached to talk about something I’ve been dealing with for a long time, but never felt brave enough to talk about on my own blog.
I’m in the middle of a breakup. A friend breakup. And it’s so very hard.
You see, I’m a loyal person. Like puppy-licking-your-face overly loyal to a fault.
And I persist in my friendships, way past the expiration date. Oh sure I’ve got some wonderful friendships and those have definitely withstood the test of time. Hey, if you can survive middle school with your friendship intact, that says something about a person, right?
But this sense of loyalty I have is causes me to get my feelings hurt easily and is causing me a lot of pain right now. The whole “be nice to everyone” mentality is killing me. Because I have someone in my life who I don’t feel is being nice to me. And this person was someone I thought was a friend.
I’ve known her for many years. I shared my ugly secrets with her. I told her about my miscarriage a couple years ago–before I even told my own mother. She was that kind of friend.
Or so I thought. But ever so slowly, I’ve realized that she has not viewed our friendship in the same kind of light that I did. I realized that she never opened up her heart to share anything with me–good or bad. She’d share with our other friends, but it was obvious by the lack of communication and eye contact that I was left out in the cold. The final straw came when she had some really great news, but basically told me that I wasn’t on the “need to know” list.
But I still persisted. I asked if I’d said or done anything to hurt or offend her. I wanted to rectify the situation. The answer was always the same: Everything’s fine. But it was obvious that it wasn’t. I finally got to the point where I realized that the whole thing was pointless. Not just for her, but for me.
Because my friendship is worth more than that.
I finally realized that if she cared about my friendship, then she would’ve made an effort to include me in her life. And I also realized that the “just be nice” part of me allowed people to easily put me away on a shelf to gather dust–only to be taken out if I was needed.
I wanted my friendship to be wanted. To be valued and cherished. So I’m setting some boundaries. I declared on Twitter that I was making this the Year of Awesome. And part of that is not allowing myself to be treated as less than.
My husband coined a new term for this: Relationship Triage. My time is so limited these days that whatever free time I have should be spent in healthy, edifying relationships.
So I’ve set limits on this friendship. I don’t go out of my way to text or email. I’ve stopped asking if we could meet up to talk things through. I didn’t invite her to my daughter’s 1st birthday party. And I didn’t do it to be mean. I did it to let go.
It hurts. And I feel guilty. I feel like I’m not being nice anymore. But I have to draw a line somewhere. I can’t be friends with everyone. I can be polite and civil. And I will be should I see her again.
But I know that it’s ok to say no. It’s ok to let go of an unhealthy relationship. I wouldn’t want my daughter being treated this way. So why should I let her mother be?
But yeah. Breaking up is hard to do.
Have you ever had to break up with a friend? Leave Rach some comment love here and then go follow Life Ever Since. You can also find her on twitter as @DonutsMama.