This week’s featured blogger is Tonya, who writes beautiful, heartfelt posts at Letters for Lucas.
He brought home flowers last week.
White and yellow gerbera daisies.
They made me smile.
The flowers were a very small token of his generosity and his concern for my mental and physical well-being.
As I lay on the table with needles stuck all over my body, trying to calm my mind and visualize healthy eggs and a new wonderful addition to our family, all I could think was: when was the last time I told him I loved him?
Isn’t that awful?
I couldn’t remember the last time I spoke the words: I love you to my husband. It must have been on the phone yesterday. Our calls always end with an “I love you”. But when was the last time I said it to his face?
I’m a terrible person.
Sometimes I feel as though I am a much better mother than I am a wife.
Our two-year-old son, Lucas always comes first.
But the two of us? We come and go like two ships passing in the night.
Lucas consumes the majority of our time together, leaving very little left over for just us.
Our conversations are about our son, the latest funny thing he’s said or done, an outing we have planned, his days at pre-school. We spend a lot of time sitting cross-legged on the floor laughing, singing and playing with cars and trains, puzzles and Play-Doh. He brings so much joy and goodness to our lives.
As of late, our attention has also been focused on adding to our family: fertility treatments, fertility expenses and fertility appointments.
As I tried to relax I knew exactly where I was headed after my acupuncture appointment was over.
I desperately needed to see my husband. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him.
I needed him to know that no matter what the doctor told us today, no matter what life had in store for us that I loved him and we would be okay.
We would be okay and I would be okay.
It may take time, but we would figure out what to do next.
We have faced worse.
We are strong.
And we are lucky, so very lucky.
I love you.
As soon as the needles had been removed, my next session scheduled, I said all that and much more.