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July 19, 2013 by: Shell

Things They Can’t Say: It’s Not Just Luck

things they can't sayHi, I’m Nicolette. I share my life with a very funny man and two beautiful girls. They are the inspiration for most of my posts at Working on a Project. I love to create, teach and make all things pretty and covered in chocolate when ever possible.

I’m petite, only 5’2″ with a small frame. Narrow hips, not the childbearing kind. I don’t think of myself as short but next to my 6’5″ husband I appear pretty tiny. My weight has always been within a healthy range for my height. Despite my healthy appearance, others, both people I know and strangers, have made comments like these to me:

“you are so lucky to be skinny”

“it must be nice to just be naturally thin”

“you have good genes, so it’s easier for you”

“you are probably one of those people who don’t even have to workout”

These are just a few, there have been more, some not so polite. Once I even had someone tell me that it was not okay for me to compliment a friend on her weight loss because I was skinny and didn’t get it. She added, “No one wants a size 2 telling them their size 12 ass looks good in a pair of jeans.” I was kinda shocked by this statement and at first felt bad that maybe I was out of line. But in hindsight that person has no idea about my journey.

Prior to having kids, I never really struggled with my weight. Body image, yes but weight, no. However, I am one of those woman who gains a lot of weight when I’m pregnant, like twice as much as recommended. I gained 40 pounds with my first and 50 with my second. I had two very healthy pregnancies and my weight gain was never a medical concern. I’m just one of those women who really packs it on while growing a human. I honestly think I could have gained more. I worked out 3-4 times a week until my last month and I walked about 2 miles everyday. If I didn’t do those things, I’m confident I would have gained 75 pounds.

1-shell-things-i-cant-say-guest-nicolette

When I left the hospital with my second baby, I weighed 4 lbs less than when I checked in. I had a 8 pound plus baby! You do the math.

I could still be that weight today. Time alone doesn’t make you lose weight. I had and still do have to work very hard to maintain a healthy body. So when someones says to me “I hate you for being naturally skinny” or “you’re so lucky.” I want to yell in their face, “It’s not luck! It’s hard work and dedication.”

Dedication to something I truly do not enjoy. That is probably the understatement of the year. I loathe working out. It’s worse than laundry. Because in my head it never ends. I will always have to workout. It will never be off my to-do list. At least with laundry, when the kids move out, there will be less of it. Working out is forever. Outside of my relationship with my husband and kids, forever is not appealing to me.

My point is that being healthy is not easy. I don’t blame other woman for making those comments. I understand they are pissed. I’m pissed too. I don’t want to work out either. I would much rather eat potato chips dipped in nutella but I have a responsibly to my daughters. I have to be an example of a healthy body image. Because outside of my home they are bombarded with quite the opposite.

My husband has heard this rant many of times and he usually asks why I even tolerate these comments. I don’t have an answer. Except, I’m too polite. I feel bad because I assume these women are struggling and well, maybe “no one wants a size 2 telling them” anything about weight loss.

The other day I decided maybe they do.

My oldest saw a woman about to get on her bike outside the store. My daughter commented on the color of the bike and told the woman she really liked it. They had a short conversation which lead to her asking the woman why she was riding her bike and not driving. The woman replied, “because I want to be skinny like your Mom.” I knew she meant no harm. I usually just shrug the comments off and make some kind of joke to deflect the awkwardness. However, this time I very nicely said “Good for you. It’s really hard work to be healthy.” I then shared that I recently had a baby and losing the weight was not easy. At the end of the conversation, she thanked me. She said it’s good to hear that the hard work pays off because she often sees other women and gets frustrated that she has not reached her goal yet.

As we drove out of the shopping center, I saw the woman again. She was peddling her heart out in the oppressive Florida heat. I rolled down the windows and slowly drove by honking, waving and cheering her on. My daughter did the same from the back seat. The woman laughed and waved back saying thank you. It seems the size of my ass didn’t bother her at all.

Show Me Your Face
Not Everything Is Gold Star Behavior

Comments

  1. Brittany says

    July 19, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Nicolette, I want to thank you for being open and honest about such a touchy subject. My little sister struggles to maintain her 100 lbs. weight while I don’t remember ever being 100, 150 even. I was a cheerleader for 11 years and being the “big” one was hard, especially when surrounded by thinner girls. However, I always looked at them as inspiration and it wasn’t until recently that I learned just how hard it really is to “be skinny.” Now that I’ve learned the importance of being healthy, I’ve realized that it’s not easy at all. I admire you for what you shared at the end, I’m sure you gave that woman just what she needed to push on that day. I wish there was more people around to do that while I’m on my road to healthy… usually, I just get teased and put down. 

    • Nicolette Springer says

      July 19, 2013 at 9:27 pm

      Thank you so much. I’m sorry to hear people have not been supportive on your journey. I would be happy to cheer you on any day! My hope is that my example also encourages my children to do the same for people. 

  2. Caitlin MidAtlantic says

    July 19, 2013 at 8:22 am

    My daughter has been sobbing every morning that I go to the gym (and therefore do not drop her off at school). It’s been heartbreaking for so many reasons. I don’t want to go to the gym! But I have to. Not to be skinny or a specific size or anything. I go to the gym to show my daughter that I take pride in being my healthiest self. I want her to see how hard I work to be healthy – not skinny or thin or anything – just healthy.

    • Nicolette Springer says

      July 19, 2013 at 9:48 pm

      I agree. Healthy is different for everyone. For me, it’s more about how I feel than the size of my pants. It’s so hard to keep a good workout schedule with little ones around. I have a four and one year old. It’s nearly impossible for me to workout outside the house. I have various videos that I alternate between. 

  3. Suebob says

    July 19, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    When I was a reporter, I interviewed a woman who had lost over 100 lbs more than 10 years before and had kept it off. She made it very clear that the struggle goes on every single day for her. That was a revelation to me, and helped me gain the perspective I needed.

    One thing I will NOT do, though, is do workouts I hate. I have found things I love that work for me – Zumba (especially! LOVE it), yoga, kayaking, walking – and I do them. I am not going to run on a treadmill or take kickboxing just to stay in shape if I am hating every minute of it. My life is far too short, and I don’t think it’s healthy to dread workouts.

    • Nicolette Springer says

      July 19, 2013 at 10:02 pm

      I agree. As much as I hate working out, I try to find great workouts that I enjoy to get me through it. I love anything by Erin O’Brien. 

  4. Gina says

    July 19, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    For some women, it IS easy. I have one friend who has never exercised in her adult life (by her own admission) and eats a pretty typical American diet (pizza and burritos are common in their home) and she once told me, “I don’t know how it happens, but I just snap back to my pre-baby jeans.” And she does. She snaps back into her perfect size 6 within six months of giving birth, no effort on her part, five pregnancies in a row. 

    Another friend does yoga once in a while – no other workouts – and eats nothing but processed and fast food. She’s a single mom and can’t imagine cooking, so they do microwave and drive through. And she is 5’6″ and wears a size 2. 

    Both of these women are “skinny” and do absolutely nothing to maintain it. And some of us work our asses off doing cross fit and running and counting calories and carefully monitoring fat intake and we are still a size 14. 

    So, yeah. It sometimes IS luck. And sometimes it’s bad luck. 

    • Nicolette Springer says

      July 19, 2013 at 10:10 pm

      I have friends like that too but I don’t think they are the norm. And more importantly they may be “skinny” but based on their eating habits I wouldn’t consider them healthy.

      • Gina says

        July 20, 2013 at 2:00 am

        Of course. But nobody is saying, “I wish I was lucky enough to be as HEALTHY as you.” They say skinny. And skinny, OFTEN, is luck. Health can be controlled, but the shape of our body often cannot. And women with bodies that tend to be thin need to acknowledge that some of that thinness is luck, pure and simple. 

  5. Krystal says

    July 19, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    It’s not easy being healthy – I have a hard time of it. After I had Baby Girl I was a size 14. Now I’m a size 8 and that’s because divorce and stress have reduced my weight significantly…but not at all healthy. I’m working out and eating better and losing weight the right way…and its not fun at all! I wish I could have all the junk food that I want but I can’t. I get told – oh but you’re so skinny – thanks but I don’t want to be “skinny” I want to be healthy. I have 2 girls who look up to me and I want them to have the right body image – so I am right there with you Nicolette!! 

    • Nicolette Springer says

      July 19, 2013 at 10:25 pm

      Thanks Krystal! It’s definitely not easy but I know my girls notice and that is so important. They will be so bombarded with negative body images as they grow so they need Moms like us who set a good example. 

  6. ToscaSac says

    July 19, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    I lucked out in the genes department. My mother’s side of the family is heavy and my dad and his mother were thin. I take after them. That being said I actually found out that I under eat. As well as that some things are just not good for food.

    I only gained 18lbs when I was pregnant with my daughter but a few years later I could not get my summer shorts on. I was gaining weight. I asked the internet what I could eat to lose weight. I DID NOT want to be starving and I also did not want to work out.

    The short answer was, fiber. Fast forward more than a decade and now I have finally taken up a sporting activity to keep my body active. It is the summer thus of roller derby.

    I knew as I shared with people what has worked to help keep me healthy over the years that without a desire to work out or a determination over desire it won’t happen. We need to keep active because it is good for our hearts and it keeps weight in check. I did not want to run. I can’t swim. No Yoga. No Zuba. I just love to skate!

    This is not the body I would have given myself. Hair, height, chest skin tone, etc. I would have made different choices. That being impossible, it is what it is. I try to appreciate what I have and work with it instead of trying to be something I am not even if only in my head.

    I don’t care what other people say. I don’t know if my aura says that because I don’t hear a lot of other people trying to give me their opinions.

  7. Melissa @ Bright Side Up says

    July 19, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    People assume so much! I think you should speak up, but you don’t need to be rude. I think how you handled your conversation with the bike lady was perfect.

  8. Kaytee says

    July 19, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    I’m 5’11” , weigh maybe 115 lbs, have 3 kids and it’s a fight to keep weight on (and my youngest is 5 weeks old) and always has been. I come from a long line of skinny people. I’m American but my dad was a foreign service officer, so I grew up mostly abroad — in Barbados (curvy girls were considered gorgeous), Peru (curvy, dark-haired girl were considered gorgeous; painfully skinny blond farm girls from iowa not so much) and rural South Korea for most of high school (yes, pale skin was considered a sign of wealth; this was totally offset by the fact that the local equivalent of the boogeyman was a giant albino. Pretty much any small child encountered backed away from me in fear for the first six months. Ugh). So I take the snarky comments about me being anorexic with a grain (boulder) of salt and only say something when the comments are directed at my kids (they too are top of the height chart/bottom of weight chart). My hubby’s pretty lean too, so our lean offspring come by it honestly 🙂

    So I spent pretty much all of formative years being (or at least *feeling*) unpretty because I, ummmm, wasn’t. Moving back to the states for college and being considered pretty was disconcerting (fun, too, but just plain weird, mostly). “Pretty” is more culturally-specific and more subjective (vs empirical) than most people think. I definitely agree wit F Scott Fitzgerald that every woman is considered beautiful *somewhere*.

  9. Susi says

    July 19, 2013 at 11:06 pm

    Nicolette, what an amazing post. It is very hard work and I hate working out – in fact I dislike it so much that I’ve been completely off my exercise wagon since I started work. I just can’t seem to get myself together to figure out a plan… I did take a step today and finally replaced my DVD player so I can do my Pilates DVD’s again. Wish me luck!!! 🙂

  10. Branson says

    July 20, 2013 at 9:13 am

    Loved this 🙂 My biggest running cheerleader is a size 2 (or smaller, golly she is tiny, lol) and I used to be embarrassed to even mention running to her because she looks like a rockstar when she runs and I look like a… well, nothing pretty, lol. But that was my issue to get over and I am glad I did! But I will say it is harder in person… my favorite fitness inspirations on IG are all sizes and I never worry about sharing. It is easier when you aren’t standing there in person feeling huge and self-conscious 😉

  11. Teresa says

    July 20, 2013 at 10:28 am

    A while back, I went from nearly 200 pounds to 140 pounds. From almost a size 18 to a size 4. Then I had my second child and my thyroid got all out of whack and I’m back up to a size 12 and my back has 3 back disks and it’s hard to exercise (I certainly can’t do what I did back then to lose weight). For people like me, it’s REALLY hard to lose weight. It is very, very hard hard to lose weight. I despair because I just don’t feel like I have time to take for myself and because it hurts so much if I overdo it. I mourn for my size 4 body. I’ll never be a size 2. I realized that when I fought and fought and fought to lose more weight years ago. We ate healthy, exercised, etc., and I think I ran my body into the ground. Oh well.

    But, I think you are right. There are many people who don’t realize that it IS hard work to lose and keep weight off. I probably COULD be thinner than I am right now. I mean, it would hurt some, but I could do it.

    • Teresa says

      July 20, 2013 at 10:29 am

      I meant 3 BAD disks.

  12. Mama and the City says

    July 20, 2013 at 10:46 am

    Maybe I’m a bad influence to people, I realize now.

    I’m 5.1, not petite frame tho. My hips don’t lie. However I didn’t pack it during my pregnany. I didn’t have the urge to eat differently, and I didn’t try to create that set of mind either, so after the delivery I only gained 9Kgs. Not bad, in my opinion.

    However, I don’t work out (sadly). I don’t run, I walk the necessary to catch the bus and go to work. So, excersice is ruled out. People knows this about me.

    But, I do look about my food intake.

    My portions are proportional to my stomach capacity ( nothing is mega size). I try to mix good quality ingredients as much as possible (reduce the refined and processed types). But I feel I should say this more to people than letting them think is ALL because my metabolism is good. “Well, yeah, I work at it.” I should tell them back.

  13. Heather says

    July 21, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    I think we need to stop obsessing over what everyone else is doing or not doing and just take care of ourselves. I would drive myself crazy if I tried to analyze what every woman was doing or not doing to maintain her weight.

    I hate that women feel they need to be like that. Good for you for encouraging the bike rider!

  14. Phen375 says

    August 1, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Does any person know the 6 ways to lose fat? I am advised Phen375 slimming pills may perhaps be my best alternative?

  15. WeeMason's Mom says

    August 3, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    I’ve struggled with this kind of judgement too. I’m one of those people who looks pretty skinny (I wear all my weight in my size 12 butt) and everyone assumes I’m a size 4. I’m super un-athletic and out of shape and the second I mention getting into better shape or going to the gym, people immediately begin criticizing me and telling me “You don’t need to lose weight, you’re too skinny already, you’re ridiculous, you don’t need to go to the gym…” etc etc etc. Really? I don’t NEED to go to the gym? I can barely lift a 30 lb bag of cat litter. I can’t even run for 30 seconds. Etc etc ect – How dare others look at me and tell me whether or not I “need” to go to the gym due to their preconceived notions. Argh.

Welcome to Things I Can't Say: Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom. I'm Shell. Boy mom, beach girl, bookworm, ball games, baker, brand ambassador, Thinking yoga, food, and travel should start with "b," too. Finding the easiest way to do some things while overthinking so many others. Read More…

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