Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Things They Can’t Say: A Day in Mollywood

You know what I think of when I think of today’s featured blogger? Someone who knows who she is and blogs from a very honest place. Please welcome Molly from A Day in Mollywood. Someone I absolutely cannot wait to hug at Blissdom later this month!
I have this problem. Maybe you have it. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you have it but you don’t even know you have it. As was the case with me.

My problem is called negative self-talk.

I became aware of this life-altering, tragic habit only after seeing the same therapist for an entire year. What? Everyone has a therapist, right? Or is that just me? Okay, moving along . . .

She told me that I beat myself up too much. That I have a terrible case of negative self-talk. I was shocked when she said it.

“No I don’t,” I argued.

Later that night I thought long and hard about her words. The conversation in my head went a bit like this.

Who does she think she is? Telling me I beat myself up too much. I don’t beat myself up. I just have high standards. And I don’t meet most of the standards. I am far behind my standards. I can’t do anything right. God, I really suck at life. I have to go to therapy. That right there is a sign that I suck. Man, I’m really worthless.

Do you see what happened there? Yeah, me too. Look how mean I was being to myself!

Negative self-talk is when your inner voice tells you very bad things. The voice talks so quickly that most people don’t even know it’s happening.

The next time I saw my therapist I told her about my little light bulb moment.

“You’re right,” I said with a smirk, “I hate on myself and I didn’t even know it.”

She looked me in the eye and said, “Now that you know you have the power to stop it.”

POWER. Now there is a word that should be in every person’s vocabulary.

After 30 years, I had perfected the art of negative self-talk. Only now is it clear how severely this terrible little voice inside has affected my physical and mental well-being.

Think about it this way – if there were someone standing in front of you telling you horrible, no-good things multiple times a day, well, you’d be a mess, right? It’s the same with negative self-talk.

But it’s not easy to stop. First comes awareness but then comes the hard part. Stopping the talk before you start. You have to learn to catch yourself before you attack. I’m not always great at catching it. Sometimes I have to stop mid-sentence.

For instance:

Ugh, look at this laundry piling up. I hate laundry. Maybe if I were more organized it wouldn’t pile up like this . . . oops. There I go again. You’re not a bad person for not doing the laundry. You’re a tired mom and it happens to everyone.

Do you see how I changed my self-talk? I literally talked myself out of the bad thought I was having.

Now that you know about negative self-talk, I’ll give you a challenge. Listen to yourself. No, really. Listen carefully to that unspoken dialogue taking place within you. Are you being nice to yourself?

Because you should be.

Please show Molly some comment love here and then go follow A Day in Mollywood. You can also find Molly on facebook and twitter.

Comments

  1. Hi Molly, nice to ‘ meet’ you. I think everyone fights with their inner critic, and we all are far too tough on ourselves. Love how you suggest catching ourselves mid-sentence. We all should be nicer to ourselves.

  3. Nice to meet you Molly! 

    I have a bitch in my head – she tells me constantly that I’m not good enough, that I haven’t accomplished enough in my life and look where I am today – just a mom.

    I need to squash that bitch. 🙂

  5. It’s so funny we try to be so nice to everyone else in our lives yet we do this to ourselves! Self love it’s so important.. great post. We really have  to have a positive conversation in our heads with ourselves, love ourselves for our good and not so good points.

  8. I’m in the process of listening to myself more & trying to eliminate negative self talk. It took being put on an anti-depressant to get to this point, but it’s helping & for that I’m grateful. It doesn’t always work, but I’m WORLDS better than I used to be.

    Thanks for writing this out 🙂 I think for someone that doesn’t have that negative talk doesn’t really understand it!

  10. Wow is this ever great advice! You know what’s funny, I NEVER allow my girls to participate in negative self talk. No “I can’t do it, I’m not smart enought”…but just now realized, I do it all the time!! Must stop!

  14. “The bad stuff is easier to believe.  Ever notice that?”

    Maybe I need a therapist, I have never been able to stop.

  18. Me! *raising my hand* I have a therapist!

    I totally beat myself up about having so little patience for my kids. I think, “If I was a better mom I’d be more patient and could shrug off the whining and crying and they’d listen and be good and man, do I suck at this…”

    But what I’ve realized is exactly what you said: I have to cut myself some slack. My kids aren’t easy. And I’m doing things to help myself be more patient and happy and a better mom, from medications for depression/anxiety/irritability to getting more time for myself.

    Happy mama = happy kids. We gotta take care of ourselves, too.

    Great post!

  20. They spoke about this exact thing at the conference I went to this weekend- and yes it is so easy to do. We would never let someone else talk to us this way, or someone talk this way to our kids- so why do we do it to ourselves? Great post!

  21. I do this to myself, sometimes without even realizing it. If I don’t let others talk to me this way, I need to stop letting myself do it too. Great post, Molly!!

  22. It’s so easy to be a negative-talker and not even realize it.
    I know I do it to myself sometimes, and realizing it is good, it’ll help stop it.
    Great post.

  23. This is a great post Molly… I agree we all need to start paying attention to our self talk ! I find it hard sometimes as well and um NOPE you aren’t alone I have a therapist too.

  24. Great post!  What finally made me realize how much negative self-talk I was doing was surprisingly my mother-in-law, because every time I said something even remotely negative, she contradicted me so strongly that I was actually really annoyed by it.  But once I realized it, I could at least try to stop it a bit when she was around.  Which led to trying not to do it all the time.  I think instead of thinking about what’s wrong with ME that is making it hard, I’m trying to figure out what situation is making it hard for me to reach my high standards.  That’s helping me feel better and make real changes!

  25. I used to beat myself up way more than I do now. It just takes too much time and effort to try to whip myself into shape!
    Sandy

  29. I had the same lightbulb moment with MY therapist!! 🙂 The negative self-talk had put me in such a low place. I didn’t even understand it was happening. The hard part is stopping what has become a habit. When I pay attention I’m able to catch it…still have those days that I tend to listen! This is a really great post and an important one for so many of us women.

    Thanks for being so authentic and sharing!!

  31. Good for you! Take that power and give yourself a break! You are good enough, don’t listen to yourself if yourself is trying beat you down!

  33. I am guilty of Negative self-talk myself.  Thinking I am not good enough, blah,blah. I have been doing some exercising in front of the mirror every morning. Saying something positive over and over again, hopefully my brain gets it one day. Wonderful post.

  34. I’m guilty of the same . . . and I’m far meaner to myself than anyone else has been, ever.  But, like most any behavior, knowing that you’re committing it is the first step to stopping it.

    Great post, and thank you for reminding some of us that we’re not alone in what we’re doing.