Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

The Motherhood Pass

things they can't sayAbout Adrienne: Somewhere along the way I picked up homeschooling two boys and blogging. When I’m not scrubbing toilets or answering endless questions, I’m busy over sharing it all at the blog. My writing is always honest, sometimes sarcastic, and never perfect. Find me on Facebook and Twitter as @TheMommyMess

 

Sometimes I catch myself feeling left out of the mom world that was filled with diapers, breastfeeding, and all.the.opinions.

It’s weird, I know. Most of us just want that stage to pass and pass quickly, but then one day it happens, and for me, it’s bittersweet.

I no longer have a baby or even a toddler for that matter. My boys are big.

The-Motherhood-Pass

 

In early stages of motherhood, you can be the mom who’s disheveled, leaking breast milk, wearing yesterday’s dirty yoga pants, and it’s socially acceptable.

Having a baby on your hip or a toddler to chase is like having a free pass for everything, and some days I miss the motherhood pass.

Looking horrible?

No wonder! You’ve been up all night with the baby.

Cranky?

It’s totally understandable. Ya know, with the sore breasts and all.

Clueless, naive, unorganized?

It’s gonna be OK, honey.

There seems to be an umbrella of grace that new moms get to stay under for while, but when your children grow older society starts treating you differently. People expect more from you than they did in your days of barley keeping it together for good reason. Now, you’re still just barely keeping it together, and there’s no pass for you.

OR? This whole it gets easier mentality is all a big misconception. I do not have it all together, and never really feel like I do. So far, this stage isn’t easier. It’s equally daunting for different reasons.

I find that saying things like, “Oh, I’m sorry we’re late. It was so hard to get the kids in the car this morning.” is a really embarrassing excuse when your kids are 15 and 8, albeit true, it’s lame that I still can’t make it anywhere on time because of motherhood. I’m here to tell you young moms: No matter how old your children get, they will always move slower than usual when getting in and out of vehicle!

It’s not acceptable to still be a disheveled mom when you’ve reached the stage of motherhood where you’re actually supposed to have it figured out by now. It’s been fifteen years and I still feel like I don’t know anything more than I did on day one. Sure, I’ve learned many parenting lessons along the way, but I don’t actually feel any wiser.

Most of the moms I meet with kids my age are a little older than me. I started this motherhood gig fairly early in life and many of the other mothers with teens have a good ten years on me. That’s a lot more experience and plenty more wisdom. It’s a little intimidating to feel like I’m surrounded with wiser women who seem to have it more together.

When your kids are little, you have support groups you can go to that aid in keeping your sanity. You find mothers you can relate to and hopefully meet someone who gets it.

Play dates, MOPS, Mom’s Morning Out…you know the groups. They don’t have those for moms of big kids or teenagers. Not fair.

I’m officially seeking a support group for moms of 8 and 15 year old boys.

Also? I want my motherhood pass back.

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Comments

  1. I’ll join that support group. I get it. I vividly remember the day I was “kicked out” of the Mom’s group I practically founded because I no longer could attend enough daytime playdates (because my kid was in school). It didn’t matter that I still wanted the access to the mom camaraderie. It didn’t matter that I’d known these people for years. My kid was too old. My mom pass was revoked. Totally get it.

  3. Sacdly, this is so very true!  I often find myself saying that things don’t get easier, the struggles are just different as children get older.  By the way, if you  happen across a support group for moms of three daughters who are around 6, 8, & 11, please give me a shout! 🙂

  4. I’m starting to feel this a bit although my boys are still young but there is the sense that I (and they) should have our act together. I think that we need support groups and systems no matter what age our kids are because it doesn’t get easier – the challenges and issues just change. 

  6. Are you telling me that when I become a sahm in a couple months, I will still be disheveled and always late?! I started this motherhood thing later in life (had my first at 30) and with a four and six year old I still can’t get myself in order everyday. I will give you a pass if you give me one too. We can do a motherhood pass exchange.

  7. Is there a group for those of us in our 30s and childfree? All I see is partying and I’m wanting to go out to brunch, have coffee, do things women who are more settled and mature do. Maybe that’s something moms like yourself can do. Reach out to women with no kids (the ones who can sometimes feel excluded because many things are geared towards moms) or women with older kids and ask them to get together. You get to get out and another woman has a friend to talk to. Win win!

    • I think that’s a great idea, Kim! We need to stick together. Kids, no kids, little ones, big kids…we all need encouragement! 😉 

  8. Come to my house. Be late. Come with your yoga pants and messy hair. My little boy will run along and chase your bigs while you get your newborn snuggle on with Lola. I’ll serve you classy chocolates and the best cheap wine I can find. xo 

  9. Amen, Sister! Luckily, I have Gia so I get the Motherhood pass a little longer but truth be told, she’s my easiest. It’s the 12yo twins and the 15yo that are the reason for the no sleep, disheveled appearance and late arrivals.

  10. I think that support group SHOULD exist. Actually I used to be on the board for MotherWoman.org and they either had a support group for moms of teens, or were lobbying for one.
    Honestly, I grew up as one of five kids and we were all teens together and I think that must have been WAY harder than five babies/toddlers. My parents agree too.
    I’ll be looking for you in ten years or so! 

  11. I so feel you. I definitely don’t have it together anymore now than I did ten (actually thirteen if you count my first born who I had until she was 7 by myself) years ago either. I do have the toddler on my hands, and still have my Mommy Pass. However, even if I didn’t have her, I don’t think I’d have it anymore together because my now ten year old and six year old keep me more on my toes than she does! You are so right that the challenges are still there, but in a totally different form! 

    I’d definitely join your support group. 

  13. I never had that pass. Why did no one give me that pass? Babies were no excuse. Let them cry, they’ll be fine. Give them a bottle and stop babying them. That’s what I heard.

    In my typically southern family, women always look good and smile. No matter what.  I was often criticized by relatives for not wearing makeup and not dressing to the nines. Honestly, none of that is “me” and it had nothing to do with motherhood. I wear makeup when I feel I must.. going out for a night on the town, going to a house of worship, doing volunteer activities, unless that activity is related to conservation. I’m not going to put on makeup to pick up trash on the beach. Sorry. Call me crazy but I’ll be the crabs and seagulls don’t care what my face looks like. 🙂 

  14. I don’t think anyone has it together, even moms who look like they do. I have a 6yr old and an 12wk old. People usually look at me and say “a baby? But you were done! You made it to all-day school. Why regress?” Funny how life is. It’s no ones fault it took 5 years to conceive baby #2, but it is what it is.

    I’m too busy hanging on to judge a mother dressed in yesterday’s sweats with mismatched socks and an inside-out teeshirt on. Even if her kids are teens. Heck, tweens and teens require more energy than preschool and primary school kids because by that time they live to out-manouever adults.