Sarah had a mind once. Now she has children. When she’s not wrangling her 3 sports-loving boyz (ages 12, 9 and 8), Sarah works full-time as a corporate paralegal at the Staples, Inc. headquarters. Sarah is a habitual nail-biter, Coke Zero drinker and wine-lover whose Trenches are located outside of Boston, Massachusetts. Her personal blog, In the Trenches of Mommyhood, chronicles her oftentimes guilt-riddled working motherhood journey – the good, the bad…and the boogers.
I don’t think anyone will disagree with me that female friendships are hard.
I have found that my friendships, and what I *value* in a friendship has evolved as I’ve gotten older, and surprisingly, as my children have gotten older as well.
Think about it: when you are a new mother with a newborn, you seek out others who are in the same boat–other new parents. You join parenting groups. Playgroups. New Mommy and Me classes. It really doesn’t matter if your babies get along at that point – they’re blobs!
But then, things start to change…schooling enters the picture. Suddenly you find yourself sizing up the other mothers on the playground…evaluating whether you could see yourself hanging out with them. At this point, you are still able to pick your child’s friends and arrange the playdates based on who YOU like.
Until suddenly, another shift happens. Your child actually dares to have an OPINION on who he’d like to hang out with! Which brings me to where I am today.
With boys ages 12, 9, and 8, I have sadly grown apart from some of the mothers with whom I used to be close. Nowadays, it seems my girlfriends are those who 1) have children my kids’ ages that my kids get along well with and 2) have similar parenting styles. And I’m happy and comfortable with that.
I can totally relate to this post! Sadly, I have lost a few friends over the years. It’s hard with kids and different schedules and we tend to hang out with parents with kids the same age as our boys. Great post!
Hi Tina! I think that’s what prompted me to write this post at this time – I too feel like I’ve lost some friends over the years and sometimes it’s awkward when I see them now.
I can relate to this too and as we consider moving out of a neighborhood we love, I am even more nervous about friendships. Without the walking neighborhood and easy un ins with so many people, I will have to get out there and make friends. Honestly though, I do think that it will do me good to find some friends who really do share personal interests and are into crafting and building and creative things like I am. It is easy as a mom to fall into friendships that aren’t really friendships in the deep sense where you call them about anything and have a real shoulder to cry on. I want to be friends with my kids’ friends parents, but I also want friends who really get me. I think this will really help me be happier!
Here’s the sad thing…. I don’t have a lot of mom friends. I wish that I did though but I am terrible at making friends and just going up to someone and talking to them. It scares the crap out of me and I always wonder what they’re thinking and all that. Silly, huh?
It really is interesting having kids with different personalities or that aren’t as interested as you are as a parent. It can affect who you’re friends with and particularly who you get to hang out with as time goes by. I’m just starting to see this with my oldest who is about to turn 8 and is not as into the forced playdates anymore…
I used to be a much better friend, or at least I think I was. The thing lately is that like Brittany, I want friends who get me, who share something besides our children with me.
with the boys in Kindergarten, I am meeting lots of moms that are quickly becoming good friends and I like that….but I also need my GIRLS.
In fact the past two weekends I spent time (FINALLY) with my two best friends and I cannot tell you how good it was for my soul. Inside and out , upside and down. I needed women who truly KNOW me and love me with all my flaws and shortcomings. I needed to know that they “saw” me instead of judging me. The women who will listen, comfort and support without a blink.
I know that my friendships are going to change and evolve with every step of my sons’ lives, but I also have come to know that there are going to be friends in my life forever simply because they are family now.
Hi Kir, I COMPLETELY agree! I totally cherish my tried and true GIRLFRIENDS who knew me in high school, college, pre-husband, pre-kids, etc. Those are the ones who I can just be ME with. They are my forever friends. And I do have some friends whom I’ve met through my children who I would consider forever friends now too, which is awesome!
Waving to Sarah whom I have not seen in forever …. hello there lovely! Yes, the friendscape seems to be constantly evolving … but fortunately the blogosphere keeps those dearest … the nearest thanks to my screen 😉
I’m an outsider at this stage of my life. Most women around my age (33) have children so I’m often excluded from get-togethers or female friendships in general. It’s tough. I’d love to spend time with women my age and talk over coffee but there’s often this feeling that because I don’t have kids I simply wouldn’t understand. On the contrary, I do understand. And it hurts to be excluded because I am the lone non-mom. I know moms have different lives, different schedules, different obligations than what I have but that doesn’t mean I don’t get it or I’m inept about the struggles (and joys) of raising children. I really wish women would be more open-minded about having relationships with other women, including those of us without kids.
Kim, that’s a very valid point! I definitely think we as women need to be more open-minded about forming new friendships. Friendships don’t have to be solely based on motherhood!
I so get this. I have found it really hard to make friends since we moved back home after having kids. All of the friends I did have had kids before me, and all of the moms with kids the same age as mine are younger than me. I feel like I fit in nowhere. Well, except here in social media land. I fit in great here.
Yup! I have lost some friends over the years but have gained some awesome ones.
See, I think you just require your friends to have cute clothes 🙂 (Wait, that’s not the right thing to notice, is it?)
I’ve been lucky to find some mom friends where our entire families get along (husbands, kids, moms,) which is amazing, but it’s taken some time, and I’ve lost some other friends along the way 🙁
Some of my closest friends in playgroup were girl mom’s overtime their girls wanted to play with girls and my son wanted to have play dates with boys only. I still see those friends, but not as often as I used to.
I agree with you – I am definitely closer to my mom friends who have boys. We just naturally are able to spend more time together during games/practices, etc. when our kids play the same sports and are on the same teams.
All of my friends are perri or post-menopausal and either have adult kids or (mostly) never had kids. I really don’t fit in with other moms. I’m a sahm and my hub is gone 90% of the time and I dislike sitters, so my mom-friend options are limited. Friendships do seem to evolve with time and circumstances. I have a feeling I’ll make my mom friends when my kids are college bound and then I’ll have infant-mom friends. I’m odd like that.
I keep starting a post about this and then deleting it. Female friendships are so hard. And when the kids are involved, they are even harder. There are a few friends I have lost because I asked, “Are we friends because we like each other or are we friends because our kids are friends?” Sadly, we were because of our kids and our kids stopped being friends. It makes it hard to get close to anyone.
Hi AnnMarie, You have no idea how hard it was to find the words for this short post! And I definitely didn’t want to post it on my own blog, in the interest of not hurting feelings. It helps to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way.
That is so true it really does change and evolve with the ages of your kids. It also gets harder to make mom friends I feel as the kids get older too as everyone is just so busy taking their own kids to activities, and homework and life.