Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Shades of Gray (But Not 50): Things They Can’t Say

things they can't sayAbout Marianne: My blog ADVENTURES IN THE BALLPARK is not a blog about baseball. Although in my life, there is an outfield, a dugout, and a concession stand (stocked with Skinny Cow treats.) My last name is Ball, and my life often feels like a game, so I write about the wins and losses, strikes and pop flies that occur in my ballpark. I scribble about grown-up babies, seasoned parents, chasing wellness, chasing God, and dropping the meatloaf in the dish water. And I write limericks. Because this game of life is goofy.

I’m happy to be a guest here today, because I have a touchy subject to discuss and I’d like as much input as possible.

I started a journey about two months ago that is making be me feel a bit anxious and unsure. It’s also making me feel brave (at times) and irritated. I’m actually all over the map with it.

I’ve stopped coloring my hair.

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On the surface, this might not seem like a traumatic decision, but it’s opened so much dialogue that has surprised me.

Most of my women friends are appalled I’ve done such a thing. Other acquaintances clam up and walk away from the topic – like I’m going to reveal that they too are hair painters, and God forbid anyone know. It’s just been weird.

I asked a few men what they thought about women coloring their hair, and they shrugged and stared off blankly for a moment. Then they said, “I don’t know,” or “I don’t care,” or “I’m not touching that.” They’re not thinking about it.

This surprised me too. I thought we women were dying our hair for men – so we would be more attractive and give the illusion of youth and sex appeal. But I’ve come to a different conclusion.

We women dye our hair because we’re in competition with each another.

This is a disappointing realization. But, I’ve questioned many women now – friends and strangers alike (I talked about this with the woman who took a blood sample from Dad this morning) and they’re falling into one of two camps.

1. I’ll never stop dying my hair. I’ll look older. I’ll be dismissed as less than. I’m already overweight and older. I don’t need a third strike against me.

2. I quit dying five years ago. I got tired of it. I’m making peace with the aging process. I feel free. People need to accept me for who I am – this is who I am.

Not one woman has said, I color my hair to get a man, or keep a man, or please my man, or whatever. Men aren’t even mentioned.

Ladies – we are doing this to each other. We are trying to look better and younger than our fellow sisters. This makes me sad.

Shouldn’t we be encouraging each other as we age and grow silver highlights? Shouldn’t we take pride in the years we’ve lived, the challenges we’ve overcome, the victories we’ve gained? What is wrong with looking our age?

If most of us are dying our hair, it means we’ve collectively bought into the LIE that we are not good enough where we are. In light of the 70’s fight for equality and feminine pride and strength…why are we still painting our hair? If you are a dye-er, I ask you to think about this. Get to the root (pun intended) of why you dye. Be brutally honest with yourself.

I was first challenged to think about all this when my nephew’s wife, who is African American, stopped straightening her hair. She received criticism from friends and family – how could she do such a thing? What is wrong with this picture? I asked myself.

Our natural hair – color, curly, straight, thick, thin, whatever – is what God gave us. We, in our limited little minds, have narrowly defined ‘beauty’ and then have been squeezing ourselves into that mold since. Why are we doing this?!

Two months into this, are there days I want to scratch this whole thing and paint my hair with L’Oreal 5AR again? Absolutely. I’m scared, as my silver comes in, I might be viewed as fatter and older and less than. But what other people think of me is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. Who defines me? Myself, or others? My hair certainly should not define me.

It’s a crazy issue, I tell ya. I would love to have you join me on this journey. Tell me what you think. What the man in your life thinks.

I’m writing a series about this – 15 Shades of Gray – on my blog – I’m three installments in.

Thanks for reading!

Marianne

 

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Comments

  1. My mom went grey early, and I watched her start coloring her hair in her 30’s. She started because people kept asking her if I was her granddaughter, and continued because she didn’t want to look old. Twenty years later, her hair is a totally different texture, it has thinned considerably, and she is so very tired of coloring it every couple of weeks (because it doesn’t hold dye very well). But she continues doing it. 

    Now I’m in my 30’s, and I’m going grey. Not all over – but it is very noticeable. I’m going with it. Embracing the grey. Letting my hair do what it wants. People ask me ALL THE TIME if I’m going to dye it. I find it to be a little rude, actually, it often comes off like they are a little offended I haven’t done “what I’m supposed to do” with my hair. I am probably the only 31 year old they know with noticeably grey hair who isn’t trying to cover it up, so maybe they just can’t stop themselves from asking? I don’t know. 

    I say all this (and that was a lot to say! sheesh) to say….GO YOU!! I’m excited you are letting your grey come in, and embracing your true beauty!! 

    • tracie, great attitude! I need to hear this from women more. Isn’t it interesting that women ask you if you are going to dye? Like it’s assumed. Men don’t get that question! Thank you for the encouragement!

  2. I do color my hair even though the amount of gray isn’t too much, yet. I even found a color product that is chemical free! I do it because I don’t want the gray hair just yet. My grandmother colored her hair until she was in her 80s. She just preferred brunette over gray. I’m the same way. One thing the women in my family don’t do is make decisions based on what a man might or might not think. LOL

    • LOL is right, Pam. I agree with you on the color – i don’t really like gray hair. I, too, prefer brunette, my natural color before the highlights showed up. This is one of the stumbling blocks for me. I really struggle with it…

    • I’m considering some gray highlights to lessen the shock that’s coming as I get my dark hair trimmed. Seem like a good idea? ADDING gray seems a bit wacky. 🙂

  4. I started darkening my hair several years ago before I was married. (I really love the color, and it’s not far from my regular color.) I kind of love the process, though. It allows me time alone (since I go to a salon), but I totally get the competition too. I definitely don’t color my hair for my husband. I’m fairly certain he doesn’t notice. 😉

    • I so get the time alone thing. You are right – the pampering, taking time for yourself – so wonderful. I have to smile reading that your hubby probably doesn’t notice your hair color. I really don’t think men care too hoots about this!

  5. I haven’t dyed my hair in weeks and am contemplating whether I’m going to do it or not. I started going gray in my 20s and already feel that I look “old” because I have bags under my eyes from constantly being tired, but I also tend to go without make-up. I guess I’m just rebelling against it all. No make-up, no hair dye…I’m too tired to even care. lol

    • I love this comment! Thank you so much for sharing, teresa! Half the time I feel the same way. I look older anyway b/c of I’m so tired all the time! I don’t wear make-up either, and it all seems like too much upkeep! HA!

  6. I hate to think of this as a competition thing- but maybe you speak truth. I personally color my greys because I think it makes me look better and feel better about my appearance… simply as that. I don’t think I do this comparing what I look like to others… I’m my own judge. Much like women who do nails, makeup and dress a certain way- ya know?

    I commend you for taking charge of something you believe in! And I think it doesn’t matter what ANYONE else has to say about what you do with your hair. Simply asking others, reflects that their opinion is important. The most important opinion is YOURS. 🙂

    • Good points, all of them, Chris. I feel the same way on any given day…then I’ll waver and think about that run to CVS. It surprises me how much back and forth I’m doing with this issue.

  7. Good for you!  I have been getting gray hairs since I was 18, I just started dying it about 3 years ago and I gotta admit- I am not ready to stop yet, but someone day I will be.

    • When I started dying, I really wanted to as well. I felt better about myself. Twelve years later, it’s becoming less important. I think there are seasons in our lives, and I’m thinking I’m done with the dying phase – I think! AUGH!

  8. Good for you for skipping the coloring. I don’t bother coloring my hair either. I have gray around my temples. I think I’m too young (early 40′) for gray hair, but it is what it is.

  9. I am happy for you. I would have preferred going gray, but baldness via genetics arrived at the party much sooner. Oh well, at least I get to sleep later on workdays with no concern on having a bad hair day (ok, every day is a bad hair day for me).

    Enjoy your weekend.

  10. We women are way to obsessed with hiding gray hairs. Why should we hide it? You know what gray hair mean? It means you’ve lived. You’ve been around long enough to have gray hair. You’ve seen and done things in your life that give you a unique perspective. In my opinion, gray hair is a badge of honor.

    • I love this! This is what I keep trying to tell myself! Some days, it really works. Other days, not so much. Thank you, Dawn, for the encouragement!

  11. I am surprised your community of women is not more supportive. I can see plastic surgery or botox injections making people nervous, bit not hair coloring. You take care of you and do what you need to do to feel gorgeous, cause you are!
    Mitch

  13. I have embraced aging and I am totally ok with it in many different ways. Just turned 59 and I no longer (and have not for a long time) had to have make up on when I go to Target. I wear clothes that are comfortable and don’t worry about style. I don’t have gray hair yet and am thinking if I follow in my mother’s footsteps, I won’t have much. But I do highlight my now dirty blonde hair every 4 or 5 months. I do it for myself because I like the way it looks.

    I always say the best part of aging is not caring what others think.

    • You are healthy and wise! I’m hoping to acquire that approach. I’m getting there – but I keep back tracking now and then. 🙂 Thank you for sharing!

  14. Oh, you are a brave woman. I’ve been coloring my hair for 20+ years, I’m afraid of what’s underneath!

  15. I dye my gray – I tried going gray and I do not have pretty gray hair – my stylist  thinks in a few years it will be a nice shade of gray.  

  16. My mother has died her hair for YEARS, she started turning gray early and she does it just because she likes her hair a certain color. I also dye my hair because it lightens up in the sun and I like my natural black lol I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Some woman just want to dye their hair to look good for themselves!

    • And that’s the only reason we should do it – for ourselves. I certainly don’t judge or condemn any woman for her choice on this. I’m just trying to understand why so many of us feel we must cover the gray – like it’s a disease. AUGH!

  17. I don’t have grays yet…thank God. I know it won’t be too long though. But I will be coloring the heck out of my hair when I do

  18. I was significantly gray in my early 30s so I’ve colored my hair for a long time.  I’m perfectly fine with being in my 40s but with my hair it’s natural brown color, I get mistaken for 20s or 30s which is preferable to me instead of being mistaken for 50s or 60s.

  19. I spent all of my 20’s and early 30’s not dying my hair.  But now that I’m well into my 30’s, I hate the rogue strands of grey so I dye it now.

  20. I will continue dying my hair because I love how it makes me feel and look. I wish I’d gone lighter when I was younger–I had such dark hair for so long.

  22. My mother is 59 and she still colors her hairs as well as most of her sisters. She has one who gives it a break every so often. I do not have a lot of grey, at 39, but it is there. I have had silver hair so I have a general idea of what I would look like if I were to go grey. I color my hair because I like the fun wacky colors and it’s been something I have been doing for years. When I get bored I go back to dark brown/ black. Maybe someday I will let it go, but right now I am having too much fun. 

    • We can work through it together, Melinda! I know exactly where you are. I don’t like it, but I WANT to. I just want peace about it. Thank you for sharing that.

  24. I found a few grey hair this week and it killed me. I’m still in my 20s but my dad and his mom both turned grey early. EEK.

    • Don’t panic, Betsy! It means you are gaining wisdom! Really think about it before you dye – how many years you’ll be tied to that. I wish I’d thought about it more when I started.

    • I agree! Some gray hair IS beautiful. And some of the beauty comes from how the woman carries herself. How she wears her hair, how she cares for it. It can be very classy!

  26. I see older women who have plastic surgery at 50+ and they look younger than they did when they WERE young (Marie Osmond comes to mind).  It looks great sometimes, but I want to enjoy growing older. I don’t want to feel the stress of having to look young when I’m not.

  27. You are brave, at 35 I already have grey hair….and I’m not ready to rock it just yet!  Maybe in a few years, I’ll get the courage!

    • Why is it that we’re afraid of the gray? I freaked too, when it first happened. And I don’t even know why. Gray was just seen as unacceptable. I don’t know where that came from.

  28. I used to dye my hair once in a while just “for fun”. I haven’t dyed it recently. 

  29. I’m 31 and have been going grey for a few years due to my thyroid. I do dye my hair but not out of competition but because I like to try new colors. I like having red hair. 

  30. Good for you if it makes you feel wonderful and confident! I am 48 and have dirty blonde hair, I am a bleach blonde and will always be.  I went back to the dark blonde and it looked horrible. I let my roots grow out in the summer and leave it sort of beachy all season.  I say do what ever makes you feel beautiful inside and out.

    • Really think about it. Because once you start, it’s hard to stop – as I’m learning! If I could go back, I would not color. Just my two cents. 🙂

    • Well thank you, Marina! There’s not much gray in the picture I included here. As the gray comes in, hmmm….
      I want to feel my best NOT coloring, so I’m working on getting there.

    • I think it’s pushed on all of us. We need to start a revolution! Women tossed their bras in the 70’s – pitching the dye bottle would be very liberating! 🙂

  34. I love your blog title by the way, but I believe women compete with each other whether is dyeing hair or anything else. I dont know if thats in our inner natural to compete with each other in the beauty department but I am happy that you are no longer going to dye your hair. Great stance!

  35. Kiwi, you are right in that we do compete with each other in all kinds of ways. I’m trying to figure that out as well. We should be helping each other, right? Maybe in a perfect world. Thank you for commenting. I have LOVED all this discussion!