Jill Robbins is a wife and mother living in sunny San Antonio. She writes about post adoption life and random mom topics at Ripped Jeans and Bifocals. She enjoys running, dry wine and dry humor, and Lily Pulitzer (because it hides all the crap her kids spill and her imperfect abs). She loves sarcasm, and although she’s aware of the 18 year age gap between her oldest and middle children, she really loves it when people point that out. Her writing has been featured on Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, and Mamalode. You can follow Jill on Facebook and Twitter.
I’m an introvert and I’ve always kept my social circles small. Since I’ve always gone for quality over quantity, the friendships I do establish mean a lot to me. Some friendships endure, some don’t. It’s always a little painful when they don’t.
I’m a job-imposed nomad. I haven’t lived in one city for more than 5 years in the past two decades. Moving around and enduring relationships don’t exactly go hand in hand. I’ve “started over” in the friendship-building department lots of times. That’s hard for me because I’m slow to really warm to people.
Finding good gal pals is totally like dating. Having stuff in common isn’t enough. There has to be chemistry, that “it factor” you can’t really put your finger on. You’ll wonder stuff like “Does she like me? Do I seem too eager?” Just like meeting a new guy except you’re not obsessively shaving your legs or making sure you’re wearing your good underwear. Anyhoo.
Friendships go through seasons of change as the people in them change. Friendships fizzle out. People drift away, and sometimes, they can leave your life abruptly and purposefully, and that’s always been hard for me to accept.
Friendships shift as life changes happen. When I became a mom at age 25, my friendships with non-moms deteriorated. Not intentionally. There was no “I can’t hang with you because I have a kid now,” Just the opposite, I made a huge effort not to blow off my childfree besties…but that’s what ended up happening. Organically, I started gravitating toward other moms and the girls who partied till three AM and snoozed till noon gradually slipped from my life.
Fast forward twenty years. Hubs and I were “empty nesters” for a little while (we adopted two boys from China two years after our daughter moved out). We slept late, went on last-minute trips and all sorts of free and easy stuff that seems like such a dim memory in my sleep-deprived head.
During our daughter’s high school years and beyond, we formed friendships with other couples who were either childless or had older kids. People like us. People who could drink wine until two AM who lived in houses full of expensive bric-a-brac that screamed “break me, kid!”
When our pint-sized bundle of “I don’t sleep for more than two hours at a time unless it’s on top of you” arrived…well, that shook things up as you can imagine. Any mention of a child-free night out brought on babysitter logistics that read like an NFL playbook. My conversation topics revolved around poop, snot, Disney characters and not much else. Our fun friends shifted to the fringes of our life.
I’m gonna go all metaphorical-like (you were warned, k?) Friendship is like a tree. Sometimes leaves fall off and quietly blow away. You might not even notice.
Sometimes branches break and you do notice. Sometimes a storm snaps them suddenly. Sometimes they crack from weakness or holding the weight of something that’s become too heavy over time. Broken branches leave sharp edges that take time to mend. And sometimes, we have to intentionally prune that tree.
I’ve just come through a season of pruning. I’ve been removed from a few trees and I’ve done some clipping of my own. I am at the place in my life where I have a pretty good idea of who I am and what matters to me. I look back on some of the friendships I’ve had that I don’t have now, or that aren’t as significant as they once were. I feel loss, relief, and lots of things in between the two.
I’m taking a deep breath and moving forward in the next chapter of my life. I think the best is still mine to experience.
Girl friends, good ones, are not an easy thing to come by., I have lots of friends, but very few really good ones.
I just gotta say…I love the name of your blog! Thank you!
So beautifully expressed…I loved when you went all Metaphorical on us.
Nice to meet you Jill, thank you for your story and side. 🙂
Thank you! I don’t go metaphorical that often! Have a great one!
It is painful when I think about the friendships that I have lost but people grow and change. Priorities shift. Love your post as always, Jill!
Yes…it does hurt even though you realize things are happening for the best. Time & distance help, though. I still get a little nostalgic thinking about some of the friendships that once meant so much to me and how they just didn’t withstand time.
Love, LOVE that tree metaphor. So very true, and so beautifully expressed. As another wine-drinking, Lily Pulitzer-wearing introvert with a small circle, I get every word of this.
Lily forever! Solidarity for the introverted wine-drinking girls!
It sounds like you are in a great place.
I am trying. I am much less of a people pleaser than I was when I was a little bit younger. While it is still painful to cut ties, I’m more willing to do what’s right for me versus keeping things at the status quo because I don’t want to ruffle feathers.
I can certainly relate. I left all of my friends behind in a 1600 mile move a few years ago. While I have tried to find new friends, it’s hard. I work from home so there are no connections there. I finished my degrees online, so no school connections. I have tried to hang out with the wives of my husbands friends, but they are so much younger than I and have pretty young kids. So, there just wasn’t that common denominator holding me to them. I find the older I get, the harder it gets, too.
Oh man. That has to be isolating. Yup. I get you. We move frequently, and in fact, just moved. During the past 5 years, I’ve been uprooted from a place where I had wonderful bonds with my girlfriends, moved to a place where I met more wonderful new girlfriends and then had things change in my life that sort of caused things to fizzle out on the friendship front. It does get harder as we get older. I am with you on that one.
Generally friendships are not something static. They change as we change, and our needs change as different things happen in our lives just like you said about parenthood.
I can’t really disagree with you, but I don’t think most of us go through life thinking that friendships aren’t static. We don’t form friendships with the idea of “hey, you’re temporary.” But, for most people now-a-days, life takes us through lots of different changes and perhaps even different places…and yes, friendships do change. It’s a little sad to me.
My favorite friends all moved away, so my pruning was done for me. 🙁 I’m definitely ready for a change to find new ones.
It’s hard to put yourself out there and find new friends, huh? At least I think it is. I swear, it’s just like dating.
Good friends can definitely be hard to come by. I’m an extrovert, but I know how hard it can be to find and keep friends when you are in a different season of life than they are.
Deciding to parent again in our late forties was definitely a friendship game changer for us. That impacted friendships tremendously…but you know, it really made me appreciate the ones that endured. There were not many and that makes me appreciate them more.
I’ve always found it hard to find true good friends. Once I had kids I found it impossible to have an adult conversation long enough to get to know any body. Glad to see I’m not the only one. Thank you for your post.
Adult conversation – BAM. You hit the nail on the head. I think that’s why I’ve taken so well to blogging. It isn’t quite the same but there is opportunity to connect with people who don’t need their noses wiped or are bugging you for a snack.
Thanks for this great post. Life really is like a tree. You MUST prune it. If you leave all the dead diseased stuff on there, the whole tree gets sick.
Exactly. I think it’s normal to go through those pruning seasons…at least it has been in my life. It is really hard to let someone go, though…even when it’s the best thing or even when it’s already happened and you’re just kind of doing that mental pruning and acknowledging what has happened. Thanks for your comment!
Good friends come along at the right seasons of our lives. Sometimes that means giving up old friendships to make room for new ones.
That is a great way to look at things!
I only have one close girlfriend and that is one of the most important relationships in my life. Sure, others have come and gone, but my bf and I have been going strong for 16 years. I like how you talk about “pruning”. That’s a good analogy!
You are really, really lucky. Sixteen years is awesome. I love to hear that. Thanks for your comment!
This was just what I needed to read today. I had what I had hoped was going to be an honest but hard conversation with a friend a few weeks ago and she abruptly broke the branch, wouldn’t acknowledge any wrong doing or accept my apologies for the things I had done that had caused tension between us. It’s definitely “jagged” for me and my desire to control wants this to get better and keep talking until we solve it or whatever….BUT, I can’t control her or this situation so I’m trying really hard not to keep running into that jagged piece and realize I have done all I can do to live in peace with her. So, maybe I need to trim off that sharp piece and just acknowledge the branch is gone….. I appreciate your words, they’ve definitely given me a good metaphor for all of it and I’m a girl who uses metaphor to make sense of things. And run on sentences. Obviously, they’re a big deal, too! 😉
Oh wow. I am glad the timing of what I wrote spoke to you. I know…it is so painful to say “hey, this is done” even if you only say it to yourself and back it up with your actions. You don’t always have to chant “I unfriend thee” to cut that tie… sometimes just chatting with yourself internally is enough and the other party catches on. Or not. I wish you luck with your decision. I know…it’s a hard thing. Virtual hugs to you.
The tree metaphor is exactly right on when it comes to friendships. Sometimes friends just don’t grow with you. They were just meant to be in your life for a season. I am going through that now with my very best friend since high school. But I can’t not grow because she refuses to. Then I would not be true to myself
“Some friends just don’t grow with you.” That sums it up perfectly. Nail on the head.
Thanks! Have a great weekend!
Ya know… sometimes ya just have to throw around those metaphors. These things can’t be helped.
I have 1 friend of over 35 years. 1. They do come and go. The ones that stay, well… it’s a gift. And they don’t talk about ‘those yucky boys’ or let you forget those bad hair days. I wish we could have saved the corks to all those bottles of wine over the years…
I think you nailed it when you called that 35 year friendship a gift. I had to smile at the wine cork comment, though…we have a gazillion wine corks and I’ve been perusing Pintrest to find a project that is actually within my capabilities to make something out of them…oh, if those corks could talk!!!
Having a great friend is nice to have. I am excited to have dinner with a friend tomorrow night. We have been friends for over 14 years. We are different but we appreciate each other.
That’s awesome! You are very lucky. I hope you have a great time together!
I love the tree metaphor. My circle of friends is small these days. I think it has a lot to do with consciously trying to surround myself with people who are positive.
I get that. I’ve honestly dialed back out the amount of BS I’m willing to put up with and that has been one of the things that has kept my circle smaller. I’m more willing to part ways if the friendship is toxic or unhealthy for me.
I love how you compared friendships to a tree. It is so true!
Thank you for reading!
Well, if a metaphor is a good one, you should use it. 🙂 I have been through the seasons of friends too. I have three that have stuck around, and they are my closest of the closest. I consider myself fortunate.
Make sure you water and cultivate your tree! I am all over these metaphors, hmm?
I love this post. I love everything about this post because it’s so very true. I’m a military spouse and a chronic mover because of it. Finding friends is hard because I’m also an introvert. This post… Yep. This post.
Thank you – you are very kind. We are in the same boat, my friend.
I agree friendship is like a tree. Pruning is a necessity, but never fun to do.
Nope, never fun. Sometimes it’s easier to just keep the status quo, but I think it’s better long-term to do the hard (right) thing.
You are so right that people are in your life for different seasons. All meaningful! I love your perspective.
Thank you! It helps me to look at it this way…but still sad when people leave your life or drift away from you.
I’m in the beginning of that teeter totter myself. My Husband and I have two young children. I’m find myself much less appealing to my non-child having friends. And making new friends in the process!
I find it harder and harder to make new friends as I get older. As much as I love my friends who don’t have small children, there just isn’t a lot of day-to-day common ground anymore. We talk about those girls nights and getting together but they rarely pan out…
Oh, I love the tree metaphor. I’m going to share this with many of my people. Life keeps going, sometimes not the way we want. This post really touches me. Thank you.
Thank you for saying so. I gotta tell you, that really made my day!
I have a huge circle of friends but I don’t let anyone get very close to me. If I feel like anyone is, I’ll push them away. It’s not something I try to do, but I know I do it.
I’ve run across lots of people who keep their casual friends at arms length.
i do find that friendships change as we get older! I just made brand new friends for the first time in at least five years.
That’s exciting! New friendships are awesome…a little bit scary, though, for me, at least.
I love the name of your blog! It’s great to meet you and learn about you. 🙂
Thank you so much! It’s great to connect with you, too!
The tree metaphor is great. I am an introvert, so I too don’t like to keep many friends. It is wonderful to hear you explain how you feel so eloquently. It helps me feel more normal.
Oh, thank you! I had to laugh at the “normal” comment, though. I am having quite the week and I’m feeling anything but normal!
Whoa! What a story. Yes, finding good friends can be tough. Totally agree with that.
Bravo to you guys for starting over! That’s nothing short of amazing. My youngest is two and I can’t even imagine starting over again. LOL!
It is pretty tiring. But really fun. I love your blog name!
I think we all go through period of pruning. It certainly is hard work, but worth it in the long haul
You’re right about being worth it in the long haul. I feel more “at peace” now…but it’s still a little sad.
What a great post. This is all so true to my life too. I had kids young, had mom friends who were the same as me. Then they were teens, things changed, then got divorced/remarried and had a couple more kids and started all over. I have so many friends now who are so much younger than I am and in such a different place too.
I’m trying to be more open to friendships with younger women. It is hard for me to develop a “mommy peer” bond with someone who’s 20 years younger than me…but I’m working on that. There are a lot of amazing younger mommies out there and I think I’d be missing out if I limited myself.