“Mom, I do not want to go back to camp tomorrow. All the girls kiss me and I do NOT like it!”
We giggle at something like that, right? I know I choked back a laugh when one of my boys said this to me earlier this summer.
Isn’t it cute that all the girls want to kiss him? And they aren’t hurting him, they’re just little kids, it’s no big deal.
But.
But, but, but.
Here’s the thing.
No, I don’t think I needed to go into camp and make a fuss, yelling at the little girls who were kissing my son or demanding to speak to their parents.
No smooches, please.
Yet…
In general, if a girl kisses or hugs a little boy or calls him her boyfriend, we tend to coo at how cute it is, even if(and sometimes especially if) the little boy wants nothing to with the little girl.
Yet, if the situation were reversed and it were the boy showering unwanted attention on a girl, it’s not so cute. We talk about teaching our boys to respect girls, how they have to listen to “no,” how girls need to stand up for themselves.
And I agree. I do teach my boys these things. We’ve talked about personal boundaries and how no one is allowed to touch them unless they’re okay with it(and yes, we’re talking about appropriate touches here) and how they need to show the same consideration for others. And they’re good about it. They might hug their cousins and they kiss their mama, but they’ve been taught that it’s best to keep their hands(and lips) to themselves when it comes to people outside our family.
My problem comes with the difference between how we treat boys and girls in this same situation. Are boys just supposed to suck it up and deal with it because oh, it’s so stinking cute that some little girl can’t keep her lips off of him? Squee, maybe they’ll get married someday… even though they’re all of 6 now.
Though there’s no way a girl should have to put up with a little boy kissing her.
Look, I get that it really is innocent at this age. I’m not accusing some little girl of sexually harassing my son.
But I am wondering when it stops and what our kids are learning along the way.
If we teach a little boy that it’s okay if a girl kisses him whenever she wants, even if he doesn’t want… will that lesson take root in his memory and he’ll become a teenage boy who thinks he can kiss someone(or more) just because he wants to, regardless of what the girl wants? After all, he was kissed countless times, said he didn’t want it, and everyone just giggled.
And yes, I realize that I have to teach my sons to respect girls, to always recognize a “no,” even when it’s not verbal. I feel up to this job. I feel like this lesson starts early, even with just the unwanted kindergarten kisses.
But, I don’t want the lessons they learn from their own experiences to weigh heavier in their minds than the lessons they’re taught at home. So maybe we shouldn’t just giggle over those innocent unwanted kisses.
JOIN IN POUR YOUR HEART OUT
Click if you want to find out more about Pour Your Heart Out. Remember, it’s about what you want to pour out: it’s personal, so there isn’t an assigned topic. It’s also about being supportive of others who are sharing: so visit other linkers and be kind with your comments. Linking up? Please visit at least two of the linkers and show them some support in the form of a comment or a share!
Kiss should require consent. I teach my kids No means NO, no matter who they are saying no too. If my kids tell me they don’t want a hug or kiss today, I don’t force myself on them.
If we want our kids to feel like their bodies are theirs and no one has the right to touch/kiss without their consent, then we need to support them when they say no. When a boy called my daughter “baby” at school and the teacher laughed it off, I had a talk with teacher. And when girls chase my boy and try kiss him I tell him to say LOUD AND CLEAR–“No, I do not want you to kiss me.”
I love that you are teaching him that. It really has to be the same for both boys and girls. I don’t make my kids kiss/hug relatives, either. They have to be polite, but they don’t have to do that if they don’t want(not even to me or their dad, either).
There shouldn’t be a difference.
But too many times there is. I’m glad it wasn’t my boy thought bc he probably would have wanted to punch her. I’m not even allowed to kiss him. Lol
Ha! My boys have their moments when they don’t want kisses from me, either. And I have to be okay with it. Though I’ll joke around with them and they usually snap out of that.
I agree wholeheartedly. If our daughter does not want a kiss or to be tickled, from another child or an adult (even us), then the line is drawn. No touching unless both parties agree. We expect the same from her. When someone says no, then no. Always. The gender of the people involved is irrelevant.
Totally agree. Everyone has the right to that no.
I have a 20 year old son, and 6 year old son, and 5 year old daughter… I applaud you for saying this! Respect is respect PERIOD… I am tired of the double standard… We see it in many things! I hope that my daughter and son’s know how to be respectful of others boundaries and feelings. I NEVER make my children even HUG others, if they don’t want to they don’t want to. Their body, they make the call.
We all need to step up and understand that this is a double sided issue, regardless of gender, we need to teach all our children, NO means NO, and if someone is making them feel uncomfortable, and not respecting boundaries, they should talk to an adult.
The double standards give me a headache. I’m with you on not making my kids hug anyone, either. Even a family member who might be expecting it, my kids don’t have to.
I respect this fully, Shell. I think you’re right! No means no. And it goes for girls and boys.
Thanks, Kristin! It has to be a no, for everyone.
I agree with you 100%
Having a boy you tend to notice all the ways in which the world is different for them than it is for girls. Every time I come across something like this I tend to think about it the way you do, like if my son did that it would be totally unacceptable but because it’s a girl it’s deemed cute and really it’s not right. No disclaimers needed.
Having just boys definitely skews my view of things. But there really are things like this and others where a boy would be in trouble and a girl wouldn’t. I’m not okay with that.
You’re absolutely right. Boundaries. Personal space. It matters. I’m trying my hardest to teach my son that when someone doesn’t want a kiss, he should respect that. It’s hard because he does it impulsively, but if he were a girl, would it be a problem? I don’t know. That’s not fair, is it? We should all respect the boundaries of others.
It probably wouldn’t be- or at least, not as much of one. At least, from what I’ve observed.
I think it’s strange that no one intervenes in that situation. I’ve worked in a public school and still volunteer a lot at church and we don’t allow physical contact between the kids. No wrestling, no hugging, and definitely no kissing. This is usually only an issue for kids with special needs or impulse control issues. Typically, all you’d need to say is “stop that” and a little girl would move on to the many other tools she has at her disposal to irritate a little boy.
We saw it a lot more in preschool/camp type of situations than at school, though it’s happened at school, too. I know schools can’t always address every little thing. I just wish it weren’t ever an issue.
I’ve, often, thought the same thing — at this age, it’s cute . . . but it certainly sends a mixed message, at best, about what’s appropriate behavior for a boy as things move to “not so cute anymore.”
My bigger hurdle now (my son will take whatever kiss is offered to him, from whomever) is when my daughter denies kisses purely to get a rise out of me. I act all hurt (because it’s what she wants), but I need to start treating it like “no big thing,” because there will be times that someone wants to kiss her, and she won’t want to kiss that person, and I don’t want her feeling guilt over that decision.
Parenting is hard, yo.
Ah, isn’t it? My boys don’t always want to hug or kiss me. I stick my tongue out at them and laugh b/c I’m ever so mature. 😉
Such a thoughtful thing really and something that I haven’t thought much about until now.
I agree, no means no, girls or boys and I would like to think that if my boys didn’t want to be kissed they would say NO…and mean it. I’ve seen them ask for a hug from a girl…or only give one when it was appropriate and wanted from both sides. I never thought about girls kissing them and they don’t want that…but I might bring it up just to talk about it, just to determine the level at which we are all comfortable with that.
Wow, Shell. As usual you gave me a lot to think about.
xo
There are certain friends that my boys will hug and accept hugs from. But those are wanted from both sides and tend to be more people they know really well. And thanks, Kir, for understanding.
This post is ON POINT. Couldn’t agree with you more.
Thanks, Mary! Being a mom of boys gives us a different perspective on things sometimes, but still a valid one!
You are absolutely right!!
And while I am NOT saying these kisses fall under the umbrella of sexual assault (these are small children, obviously, and they probably are hearing encouraging “aww isn’t that cute” comments), I am saying that boys get abused, assaulted, and raped, too. We need to teach our boys that they have the same autonomy over their bodies that girls do. And girls need to be told that no means no – if they are saying it to someone else, AND if it is being said to them.
It isn’t cute to be on the receiving end of unwanted kisses – no matter what age you are. I think it is great that your son was able to clearly communicate to you his feelings about what happened. He didn’t want to be kissed, and he didn’t want to put himself in a position where the kissing would happen again. That is some great boundary setting right there (something I hope for all of our children, regardless of their gender). It is so important that his voice is honored.
You are a great mom to put so much thought into both sides of the situation.
Yes, yes, yes. It’s not sexual assault, but everything we tell our kids they have to put up with, sets them up for later. They need to learn early on that they have a say. And it’s better to teach that in these innocent situations before they get hurt later on, or hurt someone else.
I teach my kids to say NO! Their body is THEIR body – and THEY get to set THEIR personal boundaries. If NO! doesn’t work, I taught the kidlets to say ‘NO! Do not touch me!’ and walk away. If that doesn’t work, I tell them to walk away and tell a grownup.
A kid’s right not to be touched? Extends to parents and grandparents too. Period. Some kids just aren’t particularly tactile. It’s not good, it’s not bad, it’s simply a personal PREFERENCE.
I feel SO very strongly about this because I was the least tactile kid ever. I was neither snuggly nor cuddly as a kid (and am still not as an adult, with the exception of my husband). My parents are great, my grandparents are lovely, my sister is among my closest friends, my childhood was pretty great … but I did not and do NOT enjoy being manhandled.
(This kind of thing drives me nuts: The mom who clearly loves her happy, smart, well-adjusted and not-at-all tactile college sophomore daughter, who thinks her kid doesn’t love her because she’s not snuggly. The kid is fine, the mom is fine, it’s really time for mom to let this one go!
http://adoptingahren.blogspot.com/2014/07/what-hurts-more.html )
I agree- it is their decision. And that does extend to relatives as well. I never read that blog before so I don’t know her story. I know that I was really prickly as a teen, trying to grow up, and I felt like physical affection was awkward.
I agree with this wholeheartedly, Shell! My oldest, 9, has one female friend in particular who is FOREVER trying to kiss him. She’ll hold him down if she has to, and he has told me more than once that it bothers him. I told him that it’s okay to say no, that he doesn’t have to tolerate that if he’s uncomfortable with it, and that she’s in the wrong for trying to force him. I have even told her myself a time or two when I’ve witnessed it. I’m about one unwarranted smooch away from bringing it up to her mom …
My fellow boy mom! Can you imagine if our 9 y/o’s were to hold down some girl and kiss her? They would be in SO much trouble. (as they should be) Yet, it’s okay if a girl does it? Nope. I’d probably have to bring that up with the other mom.
And what happens when the little boy who really doesn’t want to be kissed or hugged finally has enough and pushes the little girl and she falls down… Then everyone would get mad at him, even though they hadn’t been protecting him or doing anything to stop the unwanted attention.
James has told me before, “Momma, don’t let those girls chase me.” I also thought it was cute, but I’ll tell you what. I didn’t/wouldn’t let those girls chase him. I never thought about it the way you have written here, but you are 100% correct. Unwanted attention is just that, unwanted. No matter the gender.
We’ve had that situation happen with one of my boys. He ended up pushing a girl away from him who was repeatedly kissing him. She stumbled and fell and he got reprimanded. When I brought up that she needed to stop kissing him, it was laughed off. B/c kisses aren’t hurting, but a push is. And while the push wasn’t okay, either, the kisses should have been stopped.
It really shouldn’t be a gender thing. And I know my view is skewed from only ever seeing it from the boy side, but I’ve witnessed situations like this too many times and finally wanted to share.
I love this. My son can’t stand all the attention he gets from some of the little girls in his class. It’s really not cute!! It makes him comfortable. And I try to teach him that he’s in control of his own body… what does it say if I tell him that and then he can’t take charge of his own body as it relates to other kids hugging or kissing?
Absolutely agree, and it doesn’t stop at age 6 or 8. Women who harass men at conferences while doing shots in the expo hall should also be called out on the double standard.
No more Double Standard. Tracie also nailed by saying that boys can be victims too and that personal boundaries always needs to be respected and taught from a young age. I’ve got two little girls but I would expect them to treat boys the same way as they should be treated.
I’ve had to have many talks with Noah about the girls at school touching his “abs”. I told him if he were to do the same to a girl w/I consent he could have serious legal consequences. I also told him it is his responsibility to stand his ground, demand his boundaries be respected, and report the young ladies who do not keep their hands to themselves to school staff. He should not be expected to tolerate it “because he’s a boy.”
I am really glad you posted this…because I agree with you 100%! I don’t think they should let girls kids then just b/c she’s a girl and it’s cute. It should be of consent as other commenters stated.
Way to go, Mom! I agree with you 100%. Boundaries are boundaries.
It’s all about respecting anothers boundaries. Every EVERY person deserves that respect, and I would absolutely be teaching him about how to navigate around that issue. My boy has teenagers approach him to hug him all the time! STRANGERS at the pool- and he hugs them- but at least they ask, while they giggle and say “You’re SO adorable!!”
It’s about teaching people how to treat you. We need to teach our kids this unending skill and discernment on what is appropriate and within our boundaries… at every age.
I think asking for consent, even at that innocent age, is a good thing to do. It’s good practice. It’s about respect and propriety, and it applies to both boys and girls. I think you’re doing the right thing.
I think that you are right! I am not sure why girls should be chasing boys to kiss them. Why can’t they just play tag!
Shell, you’re such a good Mom, especially to bring light to something like this. Both genders deserve respect in this area for sure!
Shell, I couldn’t agree more on lots of levels. First, you’re right, an all out crazy fit is probably not warranted, but a discussion with counselors at the camp is. Boys have rights to say no and to their bodies. Not standing up for that may send messages to them about unwanted touching from older kids or adults in much more serious sorts of touching. Second, not addressing it with the girls also fails to stress to them that bodies are sacred and everyone had the right to say no. Right on, mama!!!
Shell, I agree with you 100% on this!
My son has already had several “girlfriends”. He tries to deny it, but you can totally tell these little girls like him a lot. I think it’s cute, but yeah, I tell him if he doesn’t like their attention, he can tell them to back off.
I’m so glad you wrote this. We are going through this issue right now with my son and one of my daughter’s friends. Every time she comes over she runs around trying to kiss my son and it’s to the point where we can’t have her over anymore. The mom just thinks it’s funny. To me, no matter WHAT you are doing, if you are doing something to someone that they don’t like, you need to stop.
I’m totally with you on this one. Why should there be a difference between how a boy and a girl should respond to touching? Thanks for this post. It is so needful in this day and age.
I totally agree with this. I have three sons and one daughter. I think they should ALL learn to respect other people’s personal space and to stop doing something if the other person (girl or boy!) is uncomfortable or unhappy. Amen to everything you said!