Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Pour Your Heart Out: You Could Judge Me For….

You could judge me for the age I was when I had my first baby. For where I was living, I was an older mom. For where I’m from, I was a young mom. I’ve heard it from both sides.

You could judge me for the way I chose to give birth to my babies(I had one all-natural  birth and one with a little bit of pain management assistance and one who was induced and with an epidural). Go ahead- I’m sure you could find fault with one of those ways.

You could judge me for breastfeeding. You could judge me for sometimes looking longingly at a bottle of formula and being relieved instead of sad when it was time to wean.

You could judge me for how close in age my boys are- my first two are just shy of 17 months apart(totally planned, y’all) and my middle and last are almost exactly 2 years apart. Maybe that’s too close for you.

You could judge me because I at various points used a “leash” on one of my boys. I decided that being in a super crowded place with three little ones under 4 made it the right decision for us. But you could look at that leash and freak out.

You could judge me because I chose to “waste my degree” and stay at home with my boys. Or maybe you think that’s the right decision, so you could judge me for the time when I worked outside the home. Or now, when I work full time from home.

You could judge me for being too easy on my kids… or being too hard on my kids. Since I tend to fall somewhere in the middle, you could really accuse me of both, depending on what day of the week it is and what my boys are doing.

You could judge me for sending my children to a private school. And then judge me for sending them to public.

You could judge me for choosing to medicate my child for ADHD. Or you could judge me for waiting so long to do so.

You could judge me for occasionally feeding my kids fast food and letting them have ice cream as a treat.

You could judge me for letting my boys watch tv and play with iPads and a DS and whatever other technology. Or you could judge me for not letting them use them enough.

You could judge me for how many sports my kids play. Or judge me for not letting them get involved with more than one sport a season.

It just goes on and on and on.

We all make different decisions in our parenting. To be honest, I often make different parenting decisions for each of my boys because they are so different. And if I don’t have the magical answer for what the “right” way to parent is for my own kids- born so close together, to the same parents, living in the same house- how can I tell you that the only right way to parent is the way I do it and criticize you for doing something different?

I totally get it that sometimes we hear another mom talk about what they are doing and we think “Oh, that’s not for me, that’s not how I do it.” There’s nothing wrong with that. But that doesn’t mean we need to berate another mom for making different decisions than we do.

All of us moms are just doing the best that we can, in the way that we feel is right for our kids. It looks different to each of us. This mom gig is hard enough without the judgement. So, let’s try to stop it, okay?

strong momsI want to encourage you to sign the StrongMoms Empowerment Pledge because it has such a great message that we should all be behind:  I pledge to create a more supportive and less judgmental environment by empowering moms to feel good about the decisions they make for their children and their families.

What parenting decisions have you made that you have felt judged about?

I did some work with the StrongMoms campaign at Blissdom. However, I was not required or even asked to write a post. This is an issue I feel really strongly about, so it lent itself to a Pour Your Heart Out post and I hope that y’all will sign this pledge as well!

pour your heart outClick if you want to find out more about Pour Your Heart Out. Remember, it’s about what you want to pour out: it’s personal, so there isn’t an assigned topic. It’s also about being supportive of others who are sharing: so visit other linkers and be kind with your comments. Please add the button from the sidebar or add a text link to your post if you are joining in.

 


Comments

  1. I love this post. I think is applies to more than just parenting too. Each and every individual makes decisions based on what they need at the time. I’ve always said just because someone else has figured out what works for them, doesn’t mean it’s going to work for me. They can do things their way and I can do things my way and we will both be right. Because we are different people, different families, different parents, different individuals. And you know what? Maybe you advise me on something to do with one kid (or anything really), maybe I choose not to take your advice, but kid (or situation) number 2 comes along and your advice works for me now, in a different time in my life. Doesn’t make me a hypocrite then or now. It makes me ME. It makes me my own person.

    Thank you. This post was exactly what I needed to read tonight.

    • Oh, I totally agree- it applies to so much more than parenting. We’re each just trying to figure out what works best for us in any given moment!

  3. Judge, judge, judge. There’s just too damn much of it all over the place. We’re all doing the best we can with the resources we have at the moment. So, Amen sister!

    For the record? If I have the opportunity, when time I see a parent with a kid on a leash, I tell them I think they’re really smart. Because I KNOW someone else is giving them a dirty look.

    • I love that. Because yes, they probably are getting dirty looks. I didn’t use mine much, but the times we did- a total lifesaver. And maybe even a literal lifesaver. 

  4. I think that we judge others from a place of fear–if I attack you over your parenting, nobody will notice how terrible I am at it. I know that I have lots of anxious moments over whether I am doing the right things. I try not to judge others, but I spend an awful lot of time judging myself.

    • I am so very hard on myself. So when I’m being criticized on top of already questioning myself, it makes it even harder. 

  5. Such a great post… excellent points… all of them.

    The thing I’m probably most judged for is moving my kids away from their dad. LOTS of people judged me for that, but what they don’t know is he had TWO YEARS to stop me and he never bothered.

    • But you did what was best for you and the kids! You couldn’t live your whole life right by him just because that was where he was. Too much else you needed to take into account.

  7. Judging is such a waste of energy. I do my best to try not to judge other parents/moms for the decisions they make. As long as it doesn’t affect my children I have to just know that they are doing what is best for THEIR families!

    Great points!

    • Exactly. I’m not in their situation. So unless it does affect my kids directly, it’s not my place to say anything.

  8. It’s frustrating how judgmental people are our decisions as parents. I’m constantly stopped in the street by well meaning people who insist I need to put gloves or a hat on my child because it’s cold. What they don’t realize is that he’s taken them off 22 times already and if I spend any more time putting them back on he’ll really freeze. Thank you yet again for sharing these important words.

    • That used to happen all the time with my oldest and shoes. He HATED them. Wouldn’t wear them until he was almost 1.5. But people tried to tell me that he needed to wear them.

  9. Yes what a great message!  All children are different and all moms are different, and we’re all doing the best we can.  We should support each other instead of always looking to break each other down.

  10. So well said, Shell! It doesn’t matter what you do as a mom, someone is always going to disagree with it. What works for one may not work for another…and that’s OK. We’re all just doing the best we can…and we need to cut each other some slack!

  11. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. As I age, the only “judges” I fear are God and, Judy! (I don’t ever want to be in her courtroom! LoL.)

  14. Judgment, I think, comes from fear.  I try to remember that when I feel judged.  And I try to figure out what in the world I am doing that is so darn threatening or scary.  Most of the time it boils down to the fact that I am being true to myself.  Those that judge wish they had the courage to do the same.  Further, developing empathy and having the courage to speak out against judgment helps to break the cycle.  Thank you for doing so.

    • You would think by now there would be less judgement. I hope that’s the case someday.

  15. I have been so very judged, so very often (and also quite recently) for every parenting choice I have made by someone VERY close to me. It hurts. It hurts so much, feeling judged. It makes me want to judge back, and it’s so very hard for me to resist that urge. When there are so many things I could point out. Choices I would never have made – will never make… and yet, I keep my mouth shut. I say nothing. And it sucks when all I want to scream is “Stop judging me! I am not judging you!”

    • That makes it even harder, when it’s someone close to you. Not that I like random comments from strangers, but I like to think people who know me will be kinder. And it’s not always the case. xo 

  16. I try so hard not to judge. I think it’s a defense mechanism in some way. For example, I would totally have judged the coach and the parents from the post you wrote last week. How terrible to sit by and not make sure your kids are under control.

    I have given up on worrying too much about other mothers’ judgment. Honestly, they can think what they want. I am good at some things, not so great at others and I have my faults as a mother. I know that.

    • I admit- I judged them. And really, I’m still judging. It’s a totally different thing when it’s something that affects our kids and the safety of others. I won’t say anything if someone chooses to do something that only affects their own family. But when it’s something that is hurting my child- yes, I still will speak up, even with this spirit of acceptance. There really are things that aren’t okay. 

  17. Great post. When I was in a mommy group early on, I remember one mom judging because we weren’t serving all organic to our kids. There are opinions and ideas, and then there’s judging. Judging sucks.

    • Oh, I’ve seen that, too. And it’s like sheesh- what do you care what I’m feeding my child? 

  18. Oh my word – Judgement – Such a naughty word in the mommy world. I think the first big judgement I felt was when I decided to homeschool. It was in 1989 and there weren’t very many homeschool families at all. I made the HUGE mistake of being interviewed by the local newspaper. I had no idea they were going to do a pro and con section along with it. The school district was horrified but in NE it was legal. I only homeschooled a few years due to my health (long story) but I’ve never regretted the decision to homeschool nor do I regret sending them to public school when I couldn’t homeschool them. God was always with me. 

  20. I so appreciate your words. I am a new mom. Almost two years ago I was blessed with a 5 year old step daughter and 8 months ago was blessed with a baby of our own. Motherhood is awesome and hard at times..and the way I do it may not be the way others do it..but its what works for us. It makes me often look at the relationship my own mother had with each of her children..it was different for each of us but I know she did her best. There is no room for judgement..just love in our home. Thank you for your awesome blog.

    • All we can do is what we think is best for our own families- other people don’t have to live in our houses, so they shouldn’t be worried about what we do! And thank you! 🙂 

  21. I love that your supporting the program b/c you want to, not b/c you have to for work. It says so much about your sweet heart and lovely character. Spreading the message to stop judging mom is one I will help spread. We all need to be more supportive of other. Thanks for sharing a great post! 

    • I second-guessed myself before using this for PYHO. B/c I don’t do sponsored messages for PYHO. But it just fit in so well- and I’m NOT being paid for it, so I decided to do it anyway. Glad you understand! 

  23. I despise all the judgement. Parenting is hard enough as it is and I am perfectly capable of feeling like I am screwing up my children without any help from the outside world. After my early years of parenting, I took on a “this is how I choose to do it and you can bite me” attitude. It’s served me well. I make the best choices I can for me and mine just like each other mother does. I so hope that we can respect each other more!

  25. I could just be a big giant hypocrite and judge you for ALL of it, ALL at the same time!  Wouldn’t that be fun?
    Oh or my favorite – the people who judge you for what you’re doing, only they’re doing the exact.same.thing. but never seem to grasp that concept….
    Hmm, yeah, hot-button issue with me 😉

  26. Such a big problem in the mommy world! Everyone deserves to parent their children they way that is best for their family, something we all need to remember.

  27. Nope, I can not and will not judge you because I am living a similar life, but I have only 2 boys. Both were natural births, (the second had some pain meds, but no epidural.) I breastfed and was relieved when it was over. They are 16 mo. apart, I am “wasting” my degree, I was thankful for the leash I used with one, I medicated my child for ADHD (and some days think I waited to long  to do it, some days think I am doing the wrong thing.) The occasional junk food, access to technology, all of it rings a bell with this mom. 
    I do not judge you and try not to judge ANY mom because being a mom is pretty damn hard. As long as a child is safe and being taken care of I think a parent is doing a good job. 
    We have all been judged on our parenting. The thing I can not figure out is why moms  continue to do it to each other when we all know how it feels. None of us is perfect and we all have those really bad days, and some horrible parenting moments so why can’t we just support each other through them?  I am happy to learn of a campaign to empower moms. Thank you for posting! 

    • It really is all about taking care of our kids and keeping them safe- as long as we are doing that, there’s really no room to judge. 

      To be honest, I really don’t question my decision to medicate my ADHD child at all. Because it has made a HUGE difference in him. I sometimes wish I had started it earlier, though.

  29. I like your question near the end of your post – What parenting decision have you felt judged about? I can’t answer that because I’d be here all day. Every decision I make every day seems judged by someone somewhere.

  30. I can relate so much to this post. I feel judged all the time with how many sports I allow my kids to be involved in. I also feel judged when my kids mess up as kids often do. I always say, “Do what works for you and it’s no one else’s business.”