Some of my very best friends are people I’ve met blogging.
Some I’ve met in person: at blog conferences or meet-ups.
Some I’ve yet to meet- yet through reading each others’ blogs, emailing, fb-ing, emailing, skyping, texting, etc., I feel like we know each other.
You feel like friends. You ARE friends.
Yet…
When you look at the blogosphere as a whole, it’s different than if we all lived in the same neighborhood.
We don’t run into each other dropping our kids off at school or have a weekly girls’ night out.
We all occupy the blogosphere, but we don’t all run into each other.
While I might see one side of a blogger, you might see another. Or maybe you don’t know them at all. Or you mention someone that you talk to on a daily basis and it’s someone I’ve only tweeted with once.
So, we’re all in the same space and yet have different experiences with each other.
Sometimes… those experiences are not all positive.
Yet, we have to remember that we don’t see the whole picture. We don’t have a clue what kind of day someone is having that might cause them to say something they don’t mean. Or what kind of week they are having that they are seemingly ignoring us when really, they are just buried.
Plus, we can’t read tone. We can read something as fact when it’s really sarcastic. Or as arrogant or unfeeling. As we get to know each other, we learn to read each other’s tone.
And then there is what we hear from others about someone else. Their experience with reading someone’s blog or what they feel is a hurtful comment or maybe it’s a lack of comments. An email exchange, a tweet, or even a blog conference run-in.
When it’s coming from someone that we feel we “know” online, we might even believe them. And end up not liking someone because of something that they said. Or even worse, something that a friend of a friend of ours said about someone.
Hold up, y’all.
We left that all behind in junior high, didn’t we?
Or at least, we should have.
Instead of judging someone based on one experience that we may have misread or listening to someone else’s opinion, I suggest this: go with your gut, not the gossip.
You might be missing out on a fabulous friendship if you don’t take the time to get to know someone on your own.
Or maybe you’ll find that person isn’t someone you can count among your friends. And that’s okay. It’s a big blogosphere: we don’t all have to be best friends.
But, there’s no need to spread the hate.
You have no idea how much I love this. xoxo
Oh Shell… one of my BIGGEST concerns here. So many times – I've poured my heart out or vented or been excited – and I still worry that someone will take it the wrong way. I remember a post I wrote that I stayed up all night wondering if you took it the wrong way. 🙂 Because… I sort of think you are awesome. I'm worried people will think my post today means I'm not spending enough time with my kids and thus… a bad parent. I almost asked a question at the end… but then – I realized – I don't want people to take the liberty to "teach" me how to be a better parent. *sigh* Want to call me? I talk so much better in person. I love this post. So. On. Point. Kristen
I drive some of my IRL friends crazy, because when someone hurts them, I offer an ear and sympathy, but I don't immediately cut ties. I truly believe there are two sides to every story (and then the truth somewhere in the middle) and I don't think people lie, but they, by human nature, skew the story with their own perspective. I prefer to wait and make my own assessment of the situation. Some feel that's disloyal… it's not. I am fiercely loyal, but I won't say bad things about someone because you say I should, even if you are a really good friend!
very true. I love how you said, we don't all have to be friends 🙂
Great post, Shell, as usual.
Your candidness and writing captivates me week after week.
I linked up this week so thanks for having me. My post isn't as gut-wrenching as last week, but it tackles something that I've struggled with, and I've worked to be happier by changing my approach to the situation. I wanted to share it will all of you because as you know, what we do can be so daunting and never ending.
I try very hard to not judge, not knowing the whole story. Online friendships are hard sometimes, because as much as we interact with other bloggers, we can't know them like we could if we lived next door.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately too.
Great post! I'm so glad you wrote this. I hope everyone reads it. One of the biggest shocks to me when I became an adult was the fact that junior high is not over. I am appalled at the way I have seen people treat each other or have been treated myself. My experience in the blogging/twitter world has been mostly positive, but I know some pretty mean things can take place.
If I didn't have the blogosphere, I'd feel so isolated I'd have to do something ridiculous, like learn needlepoint 😉
still giggling from Lisa's comment.
I tweet in fear of offending someone and am still pretty sure I have. At least once. But I have to develop a 'skin' in the blogosphere, too. It's a strange world. It seems, at once, both bigger and smaller than the real world.
Having seen some pretty rotten sides of blogging with my own eyes, I am pretty glad of the group I 'know' now. I can honestly say what you 'read' on my blog is dead on what I would say face to face. I agree 110 percent and it is sad that we even have to point out the facts of being adults and out of high school at all isn't it.
I haven't developed enough "friendships" here in blogosphere so haven't experienced any of the gossip….at least that I know of!
I sometimes feel a little lonely… Wishing I had the connections that I see many others have. Yet, I know with more connections there comes the risk of hurt and people maybe gossiping about me (or others). Seems silly…as you said "junior high"…when really we all just want a place to write, share ourselves, and hear others stories.
Think this is a great post. Maybe some of those who have found themselves "spreading the hate" will stop and remember that words do have power…and they can hurt.
Thanks for posting.
Agreed. I always think before I react. Often I will read a post and have a reaction, but will wait and write a response later when I have had a chance to process and read it again.
Your are so right – there are a million different perspectives to every situation!
I am so grateful for the people I have found in the blog world…especially you, Shell. I was truly alone and barely functioning as a new stay at home mom. Deciding to resign while my girls were already 9 & 7 to spend more time with them was a huge leap of faith. I felt isolated and afraid that I wouldn't have anything for myself. Blogging let me find a piece of myself that had been missing for a long time…the open part. I was so stressed and closed off from working insane hours that I had no time to share or release. Now, I count on so many bloggers to not only let me open up but to depend on them for their support just like they can depend on mine.
And you are right…we are not in high school anymore and there is no way in the world that I want to go back!!!
Great post as always!! XO
There are enough mean girls IRL — I go to hide FROM them online. They don't need to follow here.
Though, it's likely we will all write things others disagree with or may even be offended by. But it's not cool to get personal about it.
It's okay to be funny.
It's okay to be snarky.
But be nice to other bloggers.
Shouldn't that be a golden rule?
Oh I love this more than you know. Such an important post for all of us bloggers.
I have had the best experience with almost all the bloggers I read, know, am friends with, talk to at conferences, etc. There are of course a few times when people make rude remarks, and those people, I can cound on my hand. I try to not let it bother me, beause for the most part? I LOVE the blogosphere and my online friends. BE NICE TO OTHER BLOGGERS is hands down the most important rule, I think. And oh yes… there is gossip. I hate when anyone gets hurts in this online community of mine!
Love this Shell. So true. There are enough mean girls IRL, we don't need those in the blogosphere.
You always have a way of taking an issue and bringing it to light in such a non-offensive and respectful way. Mean girls aren't any fun, and mean women are even worse, because we should know better, right?
You are so right Shell!
I guess since my blog is still rather tiny and my experiences in other social media are slim, I haven't felt too much of the mean girl mentality yet.
It is hard to decipher tone without voice and so many times I *hope* I am reading things in such a way.
I have met so many amazing people on the web!
I tried to link up my post and keep getting told it is already there.
http://www.jdaniel4smom.com/2011/11/changing-how-you-look-at-your-mother-in.html
What a great post. I don't get caught up in blog drama, not really sure how I've managed to avoid it but I'm glad I have. This is my happy place and I don't want anybody pissing on it. lol But I love your objective point of view. SO true.
This is great and so very true. A few weeks (months?) ago I posted about not having a tribe. But I guess the upside to that is is that I don't get caught up in gossip – because the people I'm close with aren't necessarily close with each other. Or maybe I'm just lucky that I haven't really run into too much gossiping and drama in the blog world.
You're right. No need to spread the hate. I've been caught up in it before, and learned my lesson.
Also, I swear I'm gonna invent sarcasm font. JUST YOU WAIT. 😉
Vey well said and written Shell. I couldn't agree more.
Too many people never left the high school mentality behind when they graduated. What a great and honest post.
There is definitely a demand for a sarcasm post.
Agreed 🙂 I am very thankful though, for the friends I've met while blogging, sometimes they're better than personal friends!
I'm still new enough that I'm relatively unknown so thankfully I'm not read a lot. Guess it keeps me safe for now. I hope anyway.
I have a good blogging mentor I look up to too. Thank You Shell. 🙂
You are so right. It can be easy to slip into the old junior high mentality with folks you know online. It's hard to remember to be thankful for the ability to exchange thoughts with all these people that years ago you never would even know existed. It is quite awesome when you think about it.
Well said Shell…it is a big blogosphere, and we don't all have to be BFFs. But no need to be all nasty! Like you said we are all adults here, so we should act like it.
I like who I like and that's that. If someone hurts me directly, that's it. But I'm not listening to a friend of a friend.
I'm a pain in the ass that way.
Very, very true. And well put. I'm relatively new to blogging so haven't experienced any negativity, but know it's out there and I for one would like to keep at least this space in my life negative-free!
Our first impressions aren't always right and not liking someone for any reason without knowing all the facts is our human flaw. Facts before fiction right girl?
You know that I love this and you…and you wrote it for all of us, to remember, to take a moment and think about what we write, how we feel. I have so much respect for you because of how you bring these things to light and challenge us to "be better".
This should be read by every blogger!!! Xoxo
I don't even want to know how much negative shit has been said about me in the blogosphere. I am definitely out of the loop at times, but people online have no clue how much I have going on in my "real" life. Bloggers need to give each other a break!
I must be totally naive, because I didn't realize people were actually bad mouthing other bloggers! Great post.
This is so true online and in life. But especially online, I always worry that people who don't know me will take what I say the wrong way or read it out of context of the entire blog or situation.
This so, so true!! And in life…
It's still okay to spread germs though, right?
'Cause I've got to have something to fall back on.
Great reminder! It's always interesting when you do meet up with other bloggers to hear their opinions of others. It can be so different than my own! But I do have to not let it change what I think or feel.
You and I have had little off blog/twitter/facebook contact, so I don't know the root of this PYHO BUT I send you big hugs!
It isn't that I don't think you're amazing, because I do, it's more of a shyness thing.
In my mind, reading each others blogs and commenting does not necessarily mean you want to be my gal pal. It just means you're a really nice lady.
Anyhoo, enough about my meekness.
I think that people in social settings (even the interwebs) tend to revert to clique behavior.
It's mean, junior high, sometimes petty, but sadly true.
Again, BIG HUGS my bloggy friend.
This is great! And I agree with other commenters – didn't we leave the catty, gossipy bullshit behind in high school? Daily I find myself discovering new blogs from people on twitter, on blogs I follow, etc., and sure I may not like or end up following every single one, but why would I ever feel the need to spread something bad about them just for the sake of being a cyber-bitch? Dumb.
I feel like I've met so many nice people *virtually* through blogging.I remember getting a comment a few months ago that I was hoping was sarcastic, but I wasn't sure. And of course…I had to stew about it for days. I don't experience a lot of negativity. I will say that I wrote a post last week that was intended to be funny and I was so worried about what people might think that I disclaimed the heck out of it at the beginning telling people if they don't know my sense of humor STOP READING!
Yes. To all of it. Yes.
(See? Sometimes I can say it all in just a few words. I know. Rare.)
XO
I've met a TON of women through blogging. And as you can imagine, have encountered my fair share of drama. I think one of the reason I'm not blogging as much is because I've been really tired of some of the real life stuff going on, people getting their feelings hurt when you don't comment, and mean girl stuff.
You are SO right!
I wish people would think about the fact that you can't read tone. You can't see the "sarcasm."
It's frustrating, all of the blog drama that goes on. 🙁 It's not HS!
Awesome post. I really feel that there is a "mean girls" side in the blogosphere but I don't see why it's necessary. Our differences are what make us who we are.
Totally agree. It is so sad that some people spread the hate like that.
Well said!
Well said. I esp. agree with your stmt on how we don't always know the tone of what is being written.
Excellent post, Shell. I always try to go by the rule, if I wouldn't say something in person, I am not going to say it online.
People just need to be nice and act like adults and if you feel like you have been wronged, then talk about to the person.
Once again Shell — you not only speak towards our best interests, nay!… our very Heart..but
…you also got our backs!
Bravo!
Bravo. I've met some bloggers I don't especially like – some in person and some not – but I don't condemn them. I just don't interact with them much. Life's too short to be bitchy. 🙂
Wait a minute, who's talking about me again? I went all Dexter on that last person, don't make me do it to another!
[smooch]
It's like you read my mind! I was hesitating pressing the "publish button" on my post this week (I have pre-publish anxiety disorder! I swear!) for this very reason. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am putting too much of myself out there and I wonder still if people really know the true me? Can you really know someone just by what they write. No. But some people feel they do… and I've noticed that on line or IRL people always draw their own conclusions and judgements that are sometimes not what I hope.
I know I always worry about coming off rude to someone! Somebody told me once that I have an "abrasive" personality right to my face. That's made me wonder if other people think that of me or if that was just her…
If I've offended any of you, I'm sorry!
Sandy
So true great post. It is so hard to read tone sometimes.
Yep. Agreed. Blogging has led to some great friendships for me, but that doesn't always mean that we have to like everyone. The beauty of the internet is that we can agree to disagree with each other, without dealing with face to face run-ins. Just go about your business and let it go. I hated Junior High. So I have no interest in keeping up with the drama.
Amen, sister. So very true. And I couldn't agree with you more about tone. So often I send an email and it's misinterpreted, or I receive one and completely screw up what the person was trying to say… we all deserve a fair chance in this blogosphere and we don't have to all be friends. But tolerance goes a long way. Thanks for spreading such a positive message, Shell. XOXO
Shell, so very well said. There was something earlier in the week that I read and I didn't quite know what to make of it. It was on a blog I was unfamiliar with so I backed out….I wanted to read more of that person's writing to figure out what was going on. It is so hard to figure thing out in the writing format.
I tend to with-hold judgement and I always say–if you can't say it to their face then keep it to yourself. I imagine going to someone's blog as popping in and saying hi at someone's house. Treat it with kindness and respect. If you can't do that then politely exit stage left.
You are so right….we definitely should have left that behind in junior high. There is no excuse for hate-spreading.
This blogoshpere is a weird place. I'm sure I've sent someone an email/message/tweet meaning one thing and they got something totally different from it.
Yep, I agree. Why waste your time? The blogging world is huge, you know?
I absolutely love this!! That last line says it all!
You are totally right. And yes, if we take the time ourselves and things don't seem to work it is fine- after all we definitely aren't friends with everyone around us.
Really good points. You totally can't judge someone based on one tweet, or one comment, or for being responsive one day and non-responsive the next.
You just don't know what else is going on in their life.
Agreed, great points. I have to remind myself that we are all blogging for different reasons, and those reasons should be respected, even if we aren't going to comment or be best blogging friends with that person.
oh yes…I've been in the middle of ridiculous nonsense and it's no fun…
I'm always surprised…and now if something goes down I do the smart thing…
I stay off the internet for a couple of days
Oh, I just love this. I have made some of the best friendships through blogging. I adore my friends here, but at the same time I fear that I'm being judged by others. There are enough mean people IRL, we need to leave the hate behind.
Well said Shell. Love that last line. I try not to get too personal with what's going around in blogosphere. I do believe we should always be kind and courteous though whether it's online or in real life.
I have made a some great friends through blogging and I have also met some people who are different to me than they are to others. Such is life. We don't get along with everyone but we don't have to be hateful.
SO true!
Wise, wise words, Shell. I'm beginning to think we never fully leave Junior High, which is unfortunate for everyone. I just try to be myself, go directly to the person if I feel slighted, and I never say publicly what I wouldn't say personally to someone. There's no need to involve others in our misunderstandings. And if it's a big enough deal, the easiest solution is to unfollow instead of making it a bigger deal than it needs to be.
Shell?
Your heart is so, so very good.
That is all. xo
Very well said. I think sometimes, by virtue of being a woman, we are a little more sensitive or catty than we need to be. Not sure what that is…but yes, I wish it stayed in jr high (funny that my boys look at me funny when I say "jr high"…how old does that make me??!!!)
I'm going to remember that–go with your gut, not gossip. Good to remember in all aspects of life.
Well written, Shell. I've sort of held the Blogosphere at arm's length for this very reason. I simply don't care to get caught up in any drama.
Problem is? Bloggers are IRL people. And where there are people, drama is not too far in the distance.
But we can hope. I certainly do. And I'm glad you do, too.
Oh you are so right!! Go with your gut, not the gossip! Just be nice grown ups:) Hugs, I feel blessed to have "met" so man beautiful people on line!
Love love this! I try to give people the benefit of the doubt always. And I hope they do the same for me.
Thankfully the majority of bloggers are very kind. 🙂
Excellent post! The blogosphere offers this amazing outlet where we can say what we want, whenever we want to say it. That can be dangerous. It's so important to keep our judgy pants off!! It could be us tomorrow.
This is excellent.
We can't really judge someone.
I know I"ve been misjudged my entire life b/c of my shyness in real life.
Online, I can be funny, outgoing, but in real life: I fall back and prefer to stay out of situations.
I always feel judged, and that makes me quiet. I always think people are formulating an opinion about me, so I stay quiet.
I am also sensitive and easily offended, which makes me move back to blend in.
I get misjudged all the time. And people really love to spread gossip.
I've never been good at figuring out the close knit of cliques, and how it seems people enjoy excluding.
My close friends, in real life, know I'd do anything for them..but they also know I"m a loner, and let me have the alone time I need.
Thanks for this post, Shell. It was wonderful. Every word.
I ride a roller coaster of confidence and insecurity with my blog and commenting and online friendships. If I don't hear anything or get comments (especially when I feel exposed) I worry that I made EVERYONE in my life mad at me. Sometimes I wonder why I chance it.
But the friendships and the community on here is so valuable too.
Great post. Always reading – just don't comment as much as I would like to.
Great post!
You're so great at seeing the good in everyone.
I love this. Good job. It's a tough thing – to feel like you're getting to know some people but not others, wondering if you've made some people alienated with posts, etc. But I think trying to be as authentic as possible *should* help us feel like we belong to the degree that works for each of us. If that makes sense.
And this is the second post I've read today about gossip and bad comments – it makes me wonder if something happened that I missed?
I have absolutely no room or time in my life for hate or petty-ness. So not worth it.
Great advice Shell! It is so important to remember if someone acts different or mad or seems off to reach out a hand to see if they need help instead of pushing them away/talking about them. Great message for all of us to remember.
I loved this. Spread love and friendship, not hate, gossip or meanness 🙂
You speak the truth girl!! Awesome post!
Man Shell, this post rocks!!! This is oh so true. It's hartd when something so simple can be misinterpreted and then when that happens, judgement gets passed! It hard to acknowledge someones words when you don't know their tone! And sometimes, things can be taken out of contexts, when it wasn't meant to be hurtful. Fantastic post!!
Lynn
I thought I had already commented on this, but maybe not.
My mother always used to say, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" and I believe that applies here. We don't all have to be BFFs, but respect what your fellow bloggers are doing and remember, a little kindness goes a long way.
Excellent post!
This happens a lot!
Just thought of that to-day. I call my fellow bloggers, my virtual friends. It's an exciting way of making friends and developing friendship. I don't judge anyone. It's exhilarating because in real life, I'm very shy. In my virtual world, I'm a whole different person. Mouthy, daring and meeting so many great, loving and wonderful people such as yourself.
This is a perfect post, Shell — I really don't have anything to add.
I'm not sure if I know what prompted it, but it needed to be said.
I dont have a thing to add or contribute but this is a great post! I have had some people stop speaking to me for talking with another blogger…I'm a grown woman not a middle schooler!
Sadly, it took me this long to figure out how to comment on this particular post. Luddite, I am. I have felt the cold shoulder of the well established blogging community because I am HONEST. Too honest, probably. I tell my life story, in slightly glossed over, yet still truthfully implicating, horror. I've found a handful of bloggers that appreciate the no BS approach I take. But I have also had women who I met through this blogosphere, to whom I spilled my gory heart and soul, ignore me, block me, tell their friends/ followers to do the same. This post sincerely struck a chord in me. Thank you for putting this harsh truth out there.