Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Pour Your Heart Out: The Power of Touch

When they were this little...

With a 4 month-old on my hip and a 20 month-old fighting to let go of my hand so he could run ahead, I wove my way through the crowd to hand off one child at the nursery and one to the toddler room.

Keeping my eyes down, I once again wound a path through all those standing around and chatting, headed upstairs and found a seat toward the front of the room and off to the side: the one place in the church I knew would fill up last, if at all, so maybe I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. Knowing I had about an hour without the demands of two children under the age of two and without having to worry about everything else going on: money problems, marriage stress, exhaustion, stress coming from almost every area of my life.

I had guessed right and no one sat in the seats on either side of me.

Throughout the worship and the sermon, I tried to focus, but mostly just reveled in the the quiet.

Until something caught my attention. Some mention of not knowing what others are going through and how we should reach out. And how we often don’t do so, how we don’t reach out when we need help, and don’t reach out to others who need it. How sometimes we don’t even talk to anyone else when we come to church: in a building full of people, we still keep to ourselves.

We were instructed to stand up and move so that we were standing right beside those in the same row as we were. And to take a hand or put an arm around the people beside us. That it would be uncomfortable(as it was rather a stuffy church) and not what we usually do, but to go ahead and do it anyway. And to hold on.

An arm came to rest around my shoulders from one side and around my waist from the other.

And in that moment, my eyes began to water.

And then a tear fell.

And then more and more until they were pouring down my face.

With my arms around the people beside me, I couldn’t reach my face to wipe the tears away.

The woman to my right wrapped both her arms around me, smoothing my hair down and resting my face against her shoulder, not caring that I was soaking her dress with my non-stop tears, while the woman to my left kept her hand on my back.

After a few minutes, I was able to pull myself together and thanked the women beside me.

When I headed home that day, once again with a baby on my hip and a chubby toddler hand in mine, I felt lighter and not as alone.

It’s been almost 6 years since that Sunday morning: I don’t remember the sermon or even the faces of the women who allowed me to cry, but I’ve never forgotten the kindness they showed me in that moment.

That moment when I realized the power a simple touch can have. And it’s why I’ve become much more of a hugger after that than I used to be.

Have you ever given or received a hug that made a difference? Are you a hugger?

Click if you want to find out more about Pour Your Heart Out. Remember, it’s about what you want to pour out: it’s personal, so there isn’t an assigned topic. It’s also about being supportive of others who are sharing: so visit other linkers and be kind with your comments. Please add the button from the sidebar or add a text link to your post if you are joining in. If you have any problems linking, please email me your link.

Comments

  1. That is the power of it all, right there! There are so many times when I walk into church feeling at my wit’s end and then the homily hits so close to home that it brings me to tears. It seems that God truly does listen to us without us saying a word out loud. I’m so glad you found the power of touch. I am still working on getting more comfortable at hugging but I’m getting there. I loved this post, Shell! xo!

  2. I’m a hugger. I don’t know if any of my hugs have ever helped the way those women helped you, but I am so happy for you that for even a few minutes, you felt supported and loved by those strangers just from their little bit of kindness.

    • That’s the power in it- we don’t really know how much we’ve helped, but a simple hug could really help someone.

  4. Shell, I’m glad you got a hug.  Every once in awhile we have moments in our church service where we touch, hold hands, great each other, or hug. Many times people have hugged us and my eyes have run over – because it does mean so much. I’m a hugger. Big time. 

    • It was a funny experience b/c that church(we have since moved) was really NOT the touchy type at all, so it was so unexpected. 

  5. Oh goodness, I’m sitting here crying. I mean, I know I’m hormonal, but I’m crying anyway. Sometimes, when the whole world is imploding on you and you aren’t really sharing it with anyone, the kind gestures really can do you in. Such a great demonstration of the significance of a great church community. xo.

    • The funny thing is that it wasn’t a church were I felt super connected to- we had just moved back to PA so we went back to my old church. But in that moment, it was just what I needed. 

  6. What a great moment for you to experience. I love powerful moments like that. I am not a hugger, but I make myself be one. I know it is good for that person and for me. But when I see you, you get a real hug – not an obligatory one. 😉

    • I’m terrible at doing obligatory hugs- it’s probably pretty obvious b/c I won’t go in for one. LOL Just when I think someone needs one or if I am truly that excited to see someone- like you, of course!

  7. I’m a hugger. Always have been. And in those times when you feel like the world around you is just too much to handle or think about, the power of a hug or a gentle touch can do so much for you. I’m glad you had those women by your side that day.

    • I’ve become more of one since then, though I still have my moments when I hesitate b/c I’m not sure if someone wants one or not. But, I’m learning not to worry so much about that.

  8. I was never the “huggy” type of person until I met my husband and his family. His mother insisted on hugging me every time I saw her to break me of my non hugging self. I thank her for that.I never realized what I was missing. I love what a hug can do for you or another person. I LOVE hugs now and have found that those unexpected ones really speak volumes. 

    So glad for those women for you that day. Praise God!

  9. Oh, I’ve had these moments in church … actually, just had one on Sunday. How incredibly sweet of that woman to let you cry it out! That IS a blessing.

  10. Yes, yes, yes! Sometimes a powerful hug or soft hand on your back is all the license we need to simply let it all out. I’ve been there, and those moments have always come at just the right time. I’m less of a hugger than I used to be. I haven’t thought much of it, but after reading this I want to go around hugging the whole world! 🙂 Beautiful post!

    • That simple touch says “you aren’t alone” and really does make me want to hug everyone, too!

  12. My family wasn’t big in giving real hugs more of pats on the back. I remember getting to college and having members of my Bible study give me real hugs. It was amazing!

  13. So powerful. I am definitely a hugger. It feels goo to be hugged. I’ll never forget the Austin production of Listen to Your Mother: the girl who was reading before me had a very painful story she was sharing, and as the emcee struggled even to announce her, I looked over and noticed the tears forming in her eyes already. Something told me just to reach over and grab her hand and hold it until she was ready to step up on stage. I hope it made her feel better. I know I did. 🙂

  14. dagnabbit Shell here you go again making me all weepy.. I totally understand, been there done that too many times to count.

    • I ugly cried over the memory of it when I was writing. Those women probably don’t even remember, but it still means so much to me, even 6 years later. 

    • We definitely still need it as adults- and need to reach out, be like kids with their fearlessness in sharing what they need.

  16. A beautiful post. I’m not much of a hugger because I have this weird thing about personal space – but this? This is a good reminder that sometimes, it’s worthwhile going out of our comfort zones, whether it be for ourselves or someone else.

    • I have personal space issues at times as well, though it usually just extends to strangers. 

  18. Shell, it is healing isn’t it? Sometimes I think touch heals wounds you don’t even know you have. This is a beautiful beautiful post. I am so glad it’s the first thing I read this morning!

  20. I love this. I haven’t been to church in a really long time for precisely that reason: people don’t reach out to each other. And I’ve too often encountered people reaching out for all the wrong reasons. BUT I am so happy that you managed to find people who let you cry. 
    Also, that picture is too adorable.

    • I have to remind myself that really, there’s not any difference between church people and others when I start expecting too much from them just b/c we’re inside a church. 

      Thanks- I love that pic! Can’t believe it’s been 6 years since my boys were that small!

  21. I am glad your pastor encouraged reaching out to one another, because sometimes we have to be prompted and feel we have been given permission to do so. 

    We get so wrapped up in our own lives, our troubles, our sometimes messy lives that we would prefer not to share because that opens us up to rejection. What if people see what’s really there and decide we are not worthy of their time or friendship? Better to be alone than risk having that scarlet letter of rejection slapped upon ourselves.

    For me, being part of a small study group at church has been amazing. I have built friendships with other women in the church, and we all have been able to pour our hearts out at one time or another in any given season. When I was going through a real rough time at my last job, my study friends would give me hugs and encouragement to help me get through the coming week. Even writing about it now brings tears to my eyes, as their love and concern for me reaches right into my heart.

    • It is easier in a small group. It’s been several years since I have been a part of one. Perhaps it’s time again.

  23. What a great moment and a great memory to hold on to. I am so not a hugger, maybe in part because I know that a hug can unleash some powerful emotions and I definitely one of those people who like to keep maybe my emotions in check. Hmmmm maybe I just learned something about myself? thank you!

    • There are times when I know I’m close to losing it that I purposely avoid hugs b/c I want to keep it together. 

  25. Very Powerful Post. I am selective in my “affection” and there isn’t really any rhyme or reason to it. Obviously, I’m hugely affectionate with my children and always have been with my mom… my dad, sister and I are not…AT ALL… the last time i hugged my sister, I apologized…it’s just something we never did so it feels awkward. As an adult, I’m much more likely to hug people hello and goodbye.

  28. I am definitely NOT a hugger.  There was one day, though, that I will never forget.  My husband and I had recently found out he has bipolar disorder.  The news was a shock, though we both knew with treatment life was going to get BETTER for us.  it wasn’t yet, though, and he was going through an episode.  As typical, we wound up fighting.  Somehow our best friends showed up at the door.  When I answered my friend said, “I know you don’t hug, but today I’m going to hug you anyway.”  She wrapped her arms around me, and held me for what seemed like forever.  i think I wound up melting to the ground after that, where I sat and we talked.  Touch can be extremely powerful.  If I had been asked, I would have told everyone I was fine, I didn’t want to talk, and I DEFINITELY did not want a hug.  Touch can be a powerful communicator.

  29. Definitely a hugger here.

    Your story reminds me of a hug I received about ten years ago. I was going through a nasty divorce, struggling with being suddenly single. Someone (don’t even remember who now) gave me a hug out of the blue (in a completely unromantic way, mind you). it felt so good just to be touched, to be reminded that I was alive and worthy of love. Ten years later, I still remember how I felt at that moment.

  30. Beautiful and powerful moment- glad you shared it.

    It’s been a stressful year for me and I recently wrote a post about that touchy-feely- side of me being gone… and about trying to find it again.  Hugging and holding hands with people used to come so naturally to me and now I have to make a conscious effort.  But I’m getting back there.  My church is a very huggy church and I am very thankful for that.

  31. It’s often those moments in our lives when we need support the most that we isolate.  I’m so glad that others were there for you that day, and just as important, that you allowed yourself to lean on them. xo

    • It is true- I usually pull in when I’m going through something rough. But that’s when we really need the support!

  32. Your story has me in tears.  Stupid hormones.

    I’m not a hugger, but I do know that the touch of another person really can help.  I’m glad you found help that day in church.  It sounds like God knew exactly where you needed to be and what you needed on that day.

    • My hormones are a freaking mess these days. 

      that was a moment that really stuck with me, more than almost anything else from church.

  33. I should know better than to start reading Pour Your Heart Out posts first thing… they make me tear up.

    It’s amazing how open and caring a person can be and how powerful one moment can really be. I don’t know that I’ve ever been a real huggy person… friendly yes, but not one to rush up and give a person a hug. I think I’m always worried about how it would be taken or if I’d offend someone.

  34. And now I’m crying.  I think there must be something wrong with me this week.

    Please make it stop.

    And when you are going to update your profile pic with those gorgeous family photos of yours?  I’m waiting.  I love me some pretty pics…esp of you.

    • That was too early in the morning for that much emotion. 

      I do need to update pics! 

  35. I am a hugged and I feel that hugs are a powerful thing. Thanks for making me cry at work today. 🙂 I just want to give you a big hug now.

    I remember when my grandfather died last year when I was out of town on a work trip. I had held it together while I was gone so no one knew what was going on. When I arrived back in town at the showing I was still trying to be strong. My SiL took one look at me and wrapped her arms around me. I cried the ugly cry and let it all out. She knew exactly what I needed.

  36. Hugging is very complicated for me :). I can hug my kids and hug my friends but sometimes, if I’m emotional and teetering on the edge of it all I’m terrible at hugging because I just don’t want the emotions to come pouring out.

    • There are times I intentionally keep to myself b/c I know if someone reaches out, I’ll lose my grip and start sobbing.

  38. I’m imaging a mess of women sitting around reading this post and crying. That was a beautiful moment that you shared. I was never a hugger until I had kids. I’m much more affectionate now and I like it. I hug friends and once I hugged a stranger. And I wasn’t even doing the heimlich on her! 

    • I’m not a hugger all the time… but a lot more than I used to be! LOL @ not doing the heimlich! 

  39. Beautiful post and so, so true. It’s amazing how the power of touch can give someone permission to let loose of whatever they ‘ve been holding back.

  41. I really loved this post and the links too. At my old church, we would frequently sign “Lean on Me” and just the words alone always moved me to tears, not to mention any hand-holding or hugging that followed. Church, for me, is like a facial for me soul – it leaves me open ad vulnerable but healthy and ready to heal.

    • I can’t count the number of times I’ve started to cry in church. It seems to have that effect on me a lot.

  42. Beautiful post.  When we first started attending our church, I had the hardest time letting go because I didn’t realize “church people” could actually be nice and supportive.  The weekly hugs and handshakes I get are almost as much a part of my church experience as the sermons.

    • Just like people anywhere- there are nice and supportive people there(as well as ones who aren’t)! 

  44. Great post! I got all misty-eyed. I am a hugger. I frequently wish I could hug fellow bloggers when I read of a tough situation they are in. I even use it in parenting our pre-teen daughter. She’s as tall as a grown woman (5’4″) at 11 years old and when she starts fighting with me sometimes, I just go over and hug her. It’s tough being her age and trying to deal with new things and trying to grow up, but sometimes just wanting to be a little girl still. So I hug her – she always hugs back!

  45. This is a beautiful story, Shell. It really touched me, too, because I’m the same as you – often just content to revel in the quiet, away from the chaos, no matter the circumstances.

    Thanks for the reminder that church should not be used as an escape. It’s been a long time since I’ve been and I really would like to start going again. But I fear I would use it for the same reasons you were at that time, and not how it was meant to be experienced. 

    • But sometimes, just getting in the door is a good first step. And even if we go for a while just for the quiet, it will change eventually. But it definitely won’t if we don’t even try. 

      Look at me, going all religious, not what I usually do. 😉 

  46. We all need to reach out.  What a beautiful post.  I was never a hugger, until I had kids.  Then, I became a hugger.

  47. This was so powerful!  I’m all choked up.
    I’m neither a hugger or a non-hugger I guess….but I have definitely had times where the unexpected hug brought forth a huge rush of emotions.  Sometimes I just NEED a huge, powerful, squishy hug!

  48. I’m not a huggy or touchy person, but I have learned the importance of letting people help you. Life is always easier if you have people you can count on, even if it is just for encouragement.

    • Sometimes we just need that touch to know we aren’t alone, that it’s okay to cry.

  51. It is amazing how the littlest touch can leave the biggest imprint. I’m a hugger – my parents both are, but over the years I started to withdraw, hug less, because I had been hurt too many times. Hugging became uncomfortable, until I met my husband, DW. He is not an excessive hugger, but he loves to hug me, and in public. At first, it made me standoffish and avoid him in public. But now, almost 12 years later, I crave his touch always. Just one hug can make the whole day perfect. I’m so glad that you had a chance to find that perfection, that release of emotion. Great post.

    • My husband and I are big huggers- at least of each other. I try with others as well. 

    • Thanks, Dawn. It’s amazing to me how powerful the emotion of that moment still is for me, even 6 years later.

  54. That made tears spring to my eyes. This happened to me once when I was at a teacher training right after I had Big Guy and was really in the thick of the PPD. One fellow teacher that I didn’t even know hugged me as I started to cry because I had mentioned being tired with having a new baby and a child with Autism, and they were asking how I was doing. Any time anyone asked how I was doing then resulted in tears…it was nice to be comforted, even if a little awkward. 

  55. Oh my!  This is so gorgeous!  I’m tearful and felt like I was right there with you as you wrote–you have a gift.  Wish I could give you a hug!

  56. I am a complete oxymoron. I hate to be touched, but I love a good hug. There’s just something about a really good hug that makes you feel better, even if you weren’t feeling bad in the first place.

  57. I have that happen to me too…can’t remember the details but remember the arms around me. Love to you girl! 🙂

  58. Oh my do I know that feeling. I try to isolate myself too and avoid eye contact or conversation. But a hug or a simple touch can be so powerful if we let it.

  59. I tend to shy away from folks in a crowd. I have to make an effort to hug, to touch. But I do agree that touch is very powerful. Thanks for the story.

  60. Oh, Shell… it sounded like you needed that hug more than anything that day…

    I am a hugger if people are receptive. Not everyone is, and that’s OK. I once hugged a bawling woman at the OB-GYN because she was crying and scared during a miscarriage. I hugged her and told her that I had had two and that it was OK to feel awful in a waiting room full of pregnant women. She held my hand until she was called back. I never saw her again.

  61. This made me cry, for you, for me and for all the other people out there with their own private struggles.. I’m not a hugger, mostly because I’m shy and reserved, but I often wish I were because physical contact is very important. 

  63. I am a total hugger coming from a family of huggers. I think there is something so powerful in a hug. It is a way of helping hold up someone when they need it or wordlessly telling them you care. I LOVE a good hug.

  64. Oh, that almost made me cry. And I don’t cry at blog posts! 

    I love those moments when we succumb to what’s happening and let it give us what we need.

    • I ugly cried yesterday as I was thinking about that day. 6 years later and the memory still has such an impression for me.

  66. What a wonderful moment.  And yes sometimes there aren’t words that can be said but just a hug and knowing that people care can make all the difference.  

  67. This one really got to me. In fact, it’s similar to what I posted today, about being there for others even when you don’t know how to be. Thank you for this weekly link up. I really enjoy reading your blog. :’)

  68. I’m definitely a hugger, she says with tears in her eyes. I love to give hugs and receive them. Just tonight my youngest jumped on me and gave me a big, squeezy monkey hug. She even asked if that was how I iked my hugs… I had to laugh. The sqeezier, the better. 

  71. I am not a big hugger except with my kids & my husband. But my dad has become a hugger, mainly at church. And I know he has touched lots of people because he reaches out.  It’s amazing the power of touch. Thanks for sharing this story it reminded me that there are times people around you need that! 

  74. Shell, I have so been there. It is amazing what a hug, a simple touch, a few kind words can do. This was such a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing 🙂

  75. This made ME cry! I remember when D was 9 months old and fell below the weight charts & how worried I was. I burst into tears in the middle of Bible study in a big room. The ladies at my table just stopped, held me while I cried and prayed over me. It was so comforting.

  76. That did make me cry! I can totally identify – my first two were unexpectedly 15-months apart. I think that was the cause of marital strain! Motherhood bonds us together, but also isolates us, often painfully.
    What a wonderful blog hop. I have a lot of pouring out to do these days, so I’m looking forward to making this a regular part of my week. 

    • Ours were just shy of 17 months apart- we planned it that way but I don’t think we knew what we were getting into! Glad you are joining in! 

  77. I read this when you first published it and did not comment because it touched me so much. I cried and I have thought about it all day. *sigh* We mamas put so much stress on ourselves.

  78. Hi, this is a really nice story. I am not a big hugger myself, maybe its because of education or just shyness. But I do know what a big difference it makes when someone reaches out for no reason at all. 

  79. I hug friends, but not strangers usually….but I had a similar situation at church one time. It was a profound moment to feel myself break down because someone I didn’t know cared to reach out. Gotta love that forced contact at church. 🙂

  80. oh, I’m so one of those people in church that don’t reach out…in fact, I’m actually ashamed to admit it, but I’m rather cliquey in church, the one place I shouldn’t be…

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