Everything that happens seems tinged with sadness, with an air of melancholy.
Not something you can directly point to and say see, that’s why it’s tragic, but just a general feeling that something tragic will happen as a result. Or maybe it already has and that’s why we’re in this place, through a series of misfortunes, maybe so far ago in the past that we barely remember but that we would have been in a totally different place if not for that long ago sadness so sadness twinges everything in the present.
But I try to push it aside.
Add to the to-do list, keep busy, put on a happy face. Add 🙂 and 😉 and !!!! to everything to seem like it’s all okay and I’m fine or more than fine., ensuring no one asks questions.
The to-do list seems like too much or maybe not enough and I feel drained. Tucking myself in with warm blankets and the excuse of being tired. Closing my eyes and drifting through thoughts I try to push away.
Getting up when the thoughts seem too heavy. Looking down and realizing that the emotional weight has transformed into a physical weight that I can’t seem to shake, making me feel even worse.
My head throbbing because I can’t seem to solve the problems we’re facing and I can’t run away from them, either. These are things that will have to be dealt with and soon, but how, when I don’t have a solution?
Because there are real problems, this isn’t just in my head. Things I will fall apart if I talk about and some that I don’t ever talk about anyway, at least not publicly.
Shake it aside, try to stop seeing the bad that is or the bad that could be around the next corner. But never finding solid ground.
Trying to remind myself that change is inevitable, the only inevitability in this life, and change could mean good things ahead. Shushing the voice that tells me that change could mean things get worse.
Staying quiet about it all because if I confess how I’m feeling, the tiny bit of control I’ve managed to maintain will crack and it will all come tumbling down and maybe I won’t ever be able to pull myself back together.
Releasing a little but never fully admitting to all I feel.
Because it will all be okay.
Not right now, but someday. It will be.
It has to be.
Last Week’s Faves
Thanks to everyone who links up for Pour Your Heart Out. I’m highlighting three posts from the previous week and I hope you take the time to check them out, along with visiting some of this week’s linkers.
- I’ve Entered the Fight Club from Kerry Ann at Vinobaby’s Voice. I admire her for really going for her dreams.
- Is This Living from Rebecca at Breaking into Myself. Do you ever wonder if there’s something more out there?
- Let It Be from Kim at Memoirs of a Mama. A reminder that we aren’t the ones in control, much as we wish we could be.
Join in Pour Your Heart Out
Click if you want to find out more about Pour Your Heart Out. Remember, it’s about what you want to pour out: it’s personal, so there isn’t an assigned topic. It’s also about being supportive of others who are sharing: so visit other linkers and be kind with your comments. Linking up? (or even if you are just here to visit) Please visit at least two of the linkers and show them some support in the form of a comment or a share!