Everything that happens seems tinged with sadness, with an air of melancholy.
Not something you can directly point to and say see, that’s why it’s tragic, but just a general feeling that something tragic will happen as a result. Or maybe it already has and that’s why we’re in this place, through a series of misfortunes, maybe so far ago in the past that we barely remember but that we would have been in a totally different place if not for that long ago sadness so sadness twinges everything in the present.
But I try to push it aside.
Add to the to-do list, keep busy, put on a happy face. Add 🙂 and 😉 and !!!! to everything to seem like it’s all okay and I’m fine or more than fine., ensuring no one asks questions.
The to-do list seems like too much or maybe not enough and I feel drained. Tucking myself in with warm blankets and the excuse of being tired. Closing my eyes and drifting through thoughts I try to push away.
Getting up when the thoughts seem too heavy. Looking down and realizing that the emotional weight has transformed into a physical weight that I can’t seem to shake, making me feel even worse.
My head throbbing because I can’t seem to solve the problems we’re facing and I can’t run away from them, either. These are things that will have to be dealt with and soon, but how, when I don’t have a solution?
Because there are real problems, this isn’t just in my head. Things I will fall apart if I talk about and some that I don’t ever talk about anyway, at least not publicly.
Shake it aside, try to stop seeing the bad that is or the bad that could be around the next corner. But never finding solid ground.
Trying to remind myself that change is inevitable, the only inevitability in this life, and change could mean good things ahead. Shushing the voice that tells me that change could mean things get worse.
Staying quiet about it all because if I confess how I’m feeling, the tiny bit of control I’ve managed to maintain will crack and it will all come tumbling down and maybe I won’t ever be able to pull myself back together.
Releasing a little but never fully admitting to all I feel.
Because it will all be okay.
Not right now, but someday. It will be.
It has to be.
Last Week’s Faves
Thanks to everyone who links up for Pour Your Heart Out. I’m highlighting three posts from the previous week and I hope you take the time to check them out, along with visiting some of this week’s linkers.
- I’ve Entered the Fight Club from Kerry Ann at Vinobaby’s Voice. I admire her for really going for her dreams.
- Is This Living from Rebecca at Breaking into Myself. Do you ever wonder if there’s something more out there?
- Let It Be from Kim at Memoirs of a Mama. A reminder that we aren’t the ones in control, much as we wish we could be.
Join in Pour Your Heart Out
Click if you want to find out more about Pour Your Heart Out. Remember, it’s about what you want to pour out: it’s personal, so there isn’t an assigned topic. It’s also about being supportive of others who are sharing: so visit other linkers and be kind with your comments. Linking up? (or even if you are just here to visit) Please visit at least two of the linkers and show them some support in the form of a comment or a share!
I can relate to this a lot, Shell. I hope you are okay. xoxo
I keep myself really busy on purpose a lot of times. I’m afraid of what will happen if I slow down and really let my brain rest. I won’t say that I know you what you’re going through Shell, but I will say that I’m cheering for you. xo
Yeah. If you say it, that makes it real. I get it.
I can totally relate to this post. It will be ok. It might not turn out the way you want. Not always do things go how we want and yet in the end it is ok.
I’m so sorry. I hope you are able to figure out solutions soon. Sometimes I think waiting for things to happen, even if it’s waiting on yourself, is the absolute worst.
I so wish we lived closer to each other. We are both in similar places.
I wish we did, too. I hope things look up for you soon.
I get this. More than I want to. Hugs to you. xo
Sending you love and prayers! Hang in there.
I can understand how you feel, Shell. I do.
Hugs, Shell. I hope things get better soon.
I’m sorry. So sorry 🙁
It is so hard to try to keep it together when it feels like things aren’t. Praying for you. And I’m around. Here and for lunch in Wilmington…hoping that we can make that happen one day!
Yes! We definitely need to do that! xo
I have actually said to more than one person in my life in the last two weeks, “I am NOT okay.” It’s so hard to type that and admit it, harder even to say the words out loud but I needed to. I am not okay and pretending I am is only going to last a little while longer before I am so far sad that I might not get back to happy.
Like you said, it HAS to get better. I promise myself that It will have to. I have to be okay for everyone around me.
I am sitting here in a puddle of tears truly wishing I could hug you, cry together let you know that you’re not alone.
I love ya girlfriend. XO
Love you, too. I’m sorry you are going through a rough spot, too. I’m awful at admitting it. I retreat into myself and then people get mad at me, thinking I’m ignoring them, but it’s just that I can’t talk to anyone or I fall apart.
I hope that you start seeing the sun rays peeking through your clouds soon. All this week I have found myself seeing everything in shades of gray. It’s hard to have hope for the future hen there is pain and fear tied to the past…..but all change are’nt bad. you aren’t alone now matter what that negative voice whispers in your ear!
hugs:)
Hugs to you…keep that head up!
I get this. More than I’d like to admit. Someday it will be ok. Like you said, it has to be. Hugs!
I was just telling my daughter’s behavior therapist that I have felt just like this ever since Bethany was diagnosed with brain cancer. I just haven’t been able to totally shake it. I’m sorry you are feeling this way too. It is not fun, pleasant, or indulgent. It is what it is! If you want to talk about it, I’m all ears! You can contact me privately through my blog if you like! http://faithfulmomof9.com
I can’t imagine going through that. xo
Okay after reading this, and your comment to my post today I wish were neighbors! You need a GNO! Or at the very least a mindless movie and popcorn. haha. I can relate to this post so much. Wow. Here’s to another tomorrow, another smile, and happier time. 🙂
I wish were neighbors. Could so use a GNO!
((Hugs)) miss you
I miss you, too!
I am sorry, Shell. I hope that things look brighter soon.
I can relate:( Hope things feel brighter soon.
Oh Shell… this breaks my heart to read. I do pray you will find the strength and courage to face what is lingering underneath and breaking your heart. I pray you will overcome it, survive it, grow from it in a way that brings more joy to your life.
No post today- taking a breather. XO
Oh Shell, I read this post late last night and just sat staring at the screen. In fact, I read it a few times. It was like listening to my own heart. I don’t know what you are going through, but please know that people are sending you thoughts of peace and courage. Your honesty and transparency were a gift to me this week, a reminder of the things that I am avoiding in my own life. And yes – the emotional weight all too quickly (and painfully) becomes a physical weight, one that can be suffocating. I can relate to all of that…one coping mechanism for me is to constantly seek out “the pretty”. When my emotions and things around me feel totally out of control, I search for those few things I do have control – like rearranging furniture, cutting my hair or redesigning my blog. But the reality is that life isn’t always pretty and we have to stop sometimes to clean up the messes rather than just cover them up. Hugs to you sweet one. Hugs to you.
When I was younger, you could tell when I was going through something b/c all of a sudden, my hair would drastically change. I’d cut it or dye it or get a perm(never a good idea) simply because it was the one thing I felt I could control.
I understand this so much. But there are things that I can’t write about, to protect my family. But it is so hard to keep things together sometimes. Especially when someone you love is hurting. Or when things seem to be falling apart. Hugs.