Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Pour Your Heart Out: My Son’s Simple View of 42

My oldest was given a nickname by the school librarian: the Biography King.

It’s pretty much all he checks out from the library. And one particular person caught his interest last year and he read several biographies about the same person(I think it was because he liked reading about another male Jackie, when he’s usually the only one he knows): Jackie Robinson.

So when 42 came out last spring, my son wanted to see it.

 forty_two_ver2

I was a bit wary because it was rated PG-13 and my Jackie is only 8.

Plus I figured he would have questions and I’d rather be able to address those questions in the moment(easier at home with a pause button than in a crowded theater).

And to be honest, I didn’t really want to have those conversations yet: my kids are well aware that not everyone looks like them- that the world is full of different people. But to them, the color of someone’s skin doesn’t mean anything more significant than if someone has different hair color than they do. I can remember thinking like that, too. And when I was first exposed to the idea that not everyone thought that way.

I was around 5 years old.

Playing on the playground right next to the basketball court where my dad was playing ball with some friends.

Swinging and sliding and digging in the sand with another little girl who was about my age, happy to have someone to play with.

When we were leaving, my dad told me how proud he was of me.

How his little girl didn’t notice skin color and would play with anyone, including with a black girl.

That I didn’t care about race and how great that was.

But my basic understanding of the world was rocked right then.

Of course I’d noticed that the little girl looked different than I did.

But that she had different color skin than me didn’t mean anything more to me than if I’d been playing with someone who had different eye color or hair color than me.  Yet no one had ever said anything to me about being proud of me for playing with someone who had blue eyes instead of brown ones like mine. Or who had red hair instead of brown.

So my father’s reaction taught me that unlike other differences, skin color was something that people noticed. That some people judged. That some people stayed away from.

I didn’t understand why.

But, rather than teaching me that it was good to accept differences, his reaction made me aware that differences even existed in the first place. I’m certain that wasn’t his intention, but it’s how my pre-kindergarten self took it.

A memory strong enough to have lasted over 30 years.

I’ve kept this in mind with my own children.

Though we’ve talked about how people can look different, we just focus on how people are unique, not really talking about race or making the color of someone’s skin be an issue: just acceptance of differences, whatever they may be.

But since my oldest asked repeatedly, we rented 42 and started to watch together.

We didn’t get all that far before he told me, “Mom, those people are just being stupid bullies to Jackie Robinson and I don’t want to watch them any more.”

And I let that be the end of that.

Maybe it’s a naïve view, for me to think that this isn’t an in-depth conversation I need to have with my boys, but for now, I’m happy with my son’s instant dismissal of anyone who would judge someone else for the color of their skin.

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Comments

  2. I think that that is a good way to handle it. I know that I will need to teach my kids things and have conversations with them about things. But I am all for keeping them innocent for as long as possible. I don’t think that you need to give them the full in-depth version when they are young. Just my opinion. 🙂

    • For right now, I just feel like since they have no clue what racism is and haven’t been exposed, it’s the simplest route not to point out that it exists- to let them grow up blissfully unaware- unless it becomes necessary to discuss it.

  5. I think you handed it perfectly. There is no need to have a “lesson” when no lesson (at least on his part) needs to be learned. Soon enough he will learn the hard truths that this country’s history and the present day.
    But hopefully by the time he does he will have so many positive relationships and experiences that the knowledge won’t change him so much as just make him appreciate how he was brought up. My first memory of one of my children talking about race is my oldest lamenting how beautiful her classmate’s brown skin was and how she wish that she had it. This of course coming from my very pale, freckled, red headed irish girl.

  6. I never talked to my kids about this. I had acracist dad and so I felt that the best example I could give my kids was to treat everyone the same. My kids are now 18 and over and I’ve never heard or seen them judge or treat anyone differently regardless of any differences. With the type of bullying that goes on now it’s harder to not say something.

    • Until it becomes an issue here, I’m letting him go along with his simple and loving world view.

  7. This is a tricky topic, i think its good you’re aware and thinking about.  We’re still trying to figure out our strategy with our kids (hopefully we’ll have more) but we will probably bring it up with them and go from there. We talk a little with my son now about how mommy is one color and daddy’s another and grandma and grandpa etc and what it means but will probably wait and go more in depth as he gets older too.

    • He probably just accepts it all has that’s the way things are and doesn’t think much of it. I think kids start with the simplest world view and only change as others teach them.

  8. Kudos to you Shell for allowing your son to watch the movie. You should be proud of him with his reaction.  I took my children to see the movie also.  They were tearful and just did not understand why people were so angry with Jackie when he was such a great baseball player.  I remember my daughter saying:  “Don’t they want to win?” Unfortunately, as African-American parents, my husband and I have had to have SEVERAL race conversations with our girls.  We teach our girls that racisim exists BECAUSE IT DOES.  But we also teach them to treat others how they would want to be treated ……………..love covers a multitude of sins.

    • I know it’s different for my kids because they are white so I’ve been able to delay the conversation longer. But I think teaching love is the best way to go.

  9. I think you handled it the best way possible. I think children are just so innocent and we ruin it for them! I love that he focused on the bullying. You are doing a great job, Mom!!

    • They learn a lot about bullying and why it’s wrong at school(at home, too- but they have a bullying prevention program at school).

  10. I don’t remember how my 8 come Sunday year old and I got on the conversation one day a year or two ago, but I can his statement very clearly. “But Mom, that’s just stupid to think that the color of someone’s skin matters.” He is right, of course. Good for your son for figuring that out too.

  11. I think what helped my kids to see race as a non-issue was that because I am Italian, everyone is an aunt, uncle or cousin so they have many relatives that are from all over the world with all different skin colors. As they have gotten up in the years at school, they know the history and it makes me proud anytime they are disgusted by the treatment of people on the basis or race or religion. As my oldest son once said, “We all look the same on the inside.” He was 7 when he said that and it was in response to someone saying that his uncle couldn’t be his uncle because he was black. I loved the common sense of his little mind and how right he was.

  12. Race is such a tough issue, especially for kids. That he knows it’s wrong that someone is treated badly because of their skin color, speaks volumes about how sensible he is. You’ve done well, Mama. 🙂

    • Kids see things so much simpler than we do and for now, I’m going to let that simple view stand.

  13. I think you handled it perfectly and loved that he hated Jackie Robinson was being bullied. My four year old daughter hasn’t really asked about different skin colors. I know she really adored the kids in her preschool class last year that where different races.

  14. That is truly amazing what happened with your dad and the message your received by it. Thank you for this as I pray we are raising a generation of people with an entirely different perception on all. What a great message!!

    • It’s a really odd memory that I have- it sticks out 30+ years later. And makes me wonder what my kids will be pulling out of their memories 30 years from now.
      My kids give me hope for this generation.

  15. You know it’s so great to have that outlook as a child…my son doesn’t notice anything different about skin color…and eventually I know he will…but like you for now I want it not to matter like it should be.  Wouldn’t that be great if that continued for everyone into an adulthood?

  16. Well written. I have said often that my own 4 year old doesn’t see color. I know that might not always be the case, but my husband and I do all we can to encourage him to play with, befriend and love everyone. I’m hopeful the day color ceases to be an issue isn’t too far off.

  17. I think you handled the situation very well. My son notices differences in skin color, but it’s the same as seeing someone with different hair color or eye color (like you said). I don’t make a big deal out of it, because it shouldn’t be a big deal. This is what the norm should be. We all have our differences, and that’s what makes us incredible.

    • One of my boys was telling me about something that had happened in school one day last fall and he did say something like “the Alex with the brown skin” but he was trying to differentiate between the two Alex’s. Both of them had the same color hair and eyes and about the same height/weight, so the way he knew to describe which one was to mention his skin, but he had included Ella with the yellow hair in his story, too- not to be confused with Ella with the black hair- it was all very innocent. And he soon learned their last initials so he started using those instead!

  18. I’ve had to tell my boys about how some people judge others or are mean to others because of skin color – not only white to brown but brown to white or others too. I told them that it is not nice and is not how God would want you to act to one of His other children and they agreed with me and have not brought it up since.

    • Other than Jackie watching this movie, mine haven’t had any sort of experience that made me bring it up. We’ve talked a lot about treating everyone the same even if they are different, but not specifically about skin color- that was just sort of lumped in there.

  20. I love AnnMarie’s quote about us looking the same inside.  We do and we are and this is such a tough topic to bring up for those of us who believe what AnnMarie said and want to do it in the right way and bring attention where it belongs and none where it doesn’t belong.  And I love you son for his dismissal of anyone who would judge this way.

  21. Yes that is such a tricky subject when you do feel like you need to address it as as you said kids don’t even notice and think about it, but as soon as it is brought up then it opens their eyes to that, which obviously they will be at some point and can’t be totally innocent forever but wouldn’t it be nice if they could. 

  22. Your Jackie is a good boy. It says a lot about his heart that he couldn’t stomach watching someone be mean to one of his heroes.

  24. Sounds like you have a smart kiddo!  My kids’dad is racist so unfortunately that was a topic I had to deal with when my kids were very young – counteracting their father’s ignorance. I have to say I think I did a pretty good job with it! 

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