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I look at my youngest child, who just turned 2.
And he’s SUCH a baby still.
Yet….
When Monkey was that age, I expected him to act more like a big boy than a baby.
Bear was 6 months old then, so Monkey had to play the role of a big brother.
Sit nicely beside Mommy and read a book while Mommy feeds the baby.
Stand and wait beside Mommy while Mommy gets Bear out of his car seat.
Okay- really, just don’t squirm out from where I have you wedged in between my body and the truck as I get Bear out…but it’s still so much more than I expect of Cub at this point. I still carry him places most of the time.
Monkey didn’t get carried any more at that age unless there was another adult along…actually, not since he was 17 months old and Bear was born.
He was mommy’s helper and just seemed so much older than he was.
Monkey is the child who is most like me. And so we butt heads a lot. I know he knows better. He’ll even sigh and tell me “I know that, Mom.” So, that’s just another reason not to treat him like a baby.
When he was even younger than Cub is now, he could hold whole conversations with you. I guess I understand now why people would be amazed at this. Back then, it was just normal for him and with him being my first, I didn’t know anything different.
I have written in his baby book for 2 years-old(um, yeah, I kept up with that stuff back then…Cub doesn’t even have a baby book, let alone an updated one…), that Monkey kept telling me shortly before his second birthday, “Mommy, let’s go to Giant Eagle to get my Blue’s Clues cake for my birthday party at Grammy’s house.”
Yes, exactly like that. With the “to”s and everything. Like a little grown-up. I would probably freak out if Cub were to talk to me like that right now because it’s so not normal.
And I think that him being able to communicate like that was just another reason not to treat him like a baby. Most of his friends were a year or even two older than he was and he didn’t stand out as being the baby of the group, other that a little bit size-wise. And that only added to the illusion that he wasn’t a baby any more.
I don’t regret having my children as close in age as I did- because I love my boys- but it does make me a little sad that Monkey didn’t get as much time to be a baby as Bear did. And with Bear getting sick when he was younger, he was still babied even though Cub was around. And Cub will always be the baby.
Just another thing to add to the never-ending list of Mommy Guilt. I’m sure later today I’ll be feeling guilty about how he gets more of something than his brothers do, so maybe it all evens out….but, I still regret not letting him be little.
Bailey just turned 3 and is my only child but I find myself doing the same thing. Hes so smart and can talk and hold a conversation with me I forget that he is only 3 sometimes and I dont baby him as much as i should.. before I know it he'll be grown up and not want me to hold him or read to him and Ill regret not doing it.. SIGH! i feel yah on the mommyguilt
Shell,
First off ~ Monkey is ADORABLE! Second off, mommy guilt SUCKS! I hate mommy guilt, because I have it every day! Strangely I too have a bit of the same guilt you have. I feel like while Jayden had 6 years of being an only child… we were so young that I don't feel like he got the "baby" attention that Ella gets. I feel like we've expected him to grow up more than he should have too fast, because we were young and clueless! I could go on and on with mommy guilt, BUT we do the best that we can, and he is so loved by you which is all that matters.
Oh Shell, I can relate to what you're saying. With Cole and Bella, I rushed them through the baby stage because I was in such a hurry for things to get "easier". They never did, of course.
So the other day when a friend started mentioning that she was surprised that the the little twins aren't completely potty trained yet, I told her, "I wasn't ready". I don't want to rush them through all the stages because I know I'll never get those years back again.
There's always something to feel guilty about, isn't there? But the good thing is that our children will love us no matter what!
I really loved that entry. I don't have kids, but it's really great to see the way you write about yours. It's beautiful, actually. Your love for them shines through in your writing.
I hate mommy guilt…hate hate hate it! Your guilt and situation sound very much like my own, it is always nice to relate to someone else.
But I feel with the oldest that its pretty normal to push them to be the helper. It was that way with me…I am the oldest of 5 and my 6 year old is very much the same as me…we share the same bday there will be lots of head butting!!!!
I love the photo, handsome boy you have there!
Ill be linking up this week I just have to get my post together 😉
There are many things to feel guilty about in life, but this is not one of them. I felt guilty about having my two boys so far apart. I thought the older one would protect and love the younger one.
That was such a pipe dream.
Mommy guilt is the worst! I enjoyed this post Shell! My brother and I are 18 months apart and I've always been the older/more mature one BUT I got too do everything first and my parents learned from me so I got away with a lot more. It balances out, at least it did too me.
What a big boy at 5!
Sometimes I sneak into boys rooms in the middle of the night and watch them sleep.Sometimes I have a little cry especially with my older sickly one, but they don't see me. Don't want them to think that mama is a creeper,lol.
I really can relate to your post… I guess when we have the second one we tend to treat the older one like grown up, we expect them to understand the 'new' situation and it keep carry on like that unexpectedly … mommy guilt really are sucks!!
You did the right thing Shell…don't second guess yourself! If Monkey couldn't handle being the "big" brother or the friend who could hang out with the bigger kids he would of showed signs of that. I think most first borns experience that from their parents. Don't beat yourself up for it! He knows he will always be the big brother and would of grown up fast even if you think you hadn't made him. Chin up girl and no mommy guilt for you today!! Get it? Got it? Good!!!
I had the same with my eldest two, shell. My son was 20 months when my daughter was born. And my daughter was such a grown-up big girl chatterbox that she never seemed like a baby for long either. So now I have my little scrag and he is two. By the time the others were his age they had been in beds for nearly a year. Scrag still sleeps in a cot. I still carry him, and squeeze his adorable little cheeks; my other two were busy on being Big Kids.
Glad I have a "number three" to baby forever. But i promise i WILL get him a bed at some stage Honest.
PS: I have your button in my sidebar and my linked-up post is one that has been 10 years in the making.
xx
It's so corny, Shell, but they do grow so fast. It's crazy. My oldest will be 13 and she has a "boyfriend" I could fall over dead from this. My Little Middle is finally coming to be her own person. And boy who is 4, I can't get over how big he is. It's just mind boggling.
I can relate to your post, Shell. Our first is basically the same. We expected so much more from her and she has always seemed way older than her actual age.
Aw, I know. When my oldest was 3 he had to be a big boy too! And now my youngest is 3 and I try to keep him "the baby". And he wants to be a big boy!
I think we are living the same lives….3 boys…I just read your guest post at Angie's. "Hands Full." If one more person says that to me, I think I'll cut off their hands…
I love your "Better Full Than Empty" response. I'll have to use that one. It's better than "Wow. You're observant."
Thanks for pouring this out Shell. Holding onto it gives it a life of its own. Each child is different from the moment they hit the air. If Monkey weren't ready for the life he has, you'd know it.
I just have one three year old daughter and I too often forget that she really is still a baby in so many ways. When I see her running around after a bath while I try and catch her to get some clothes on her I look at her still chubby arms and legs and realize she still is so little.
I think whenever a new baby comes along the older child has to do some growing up fast and with a little boy who was so advanced in so many ways as Monkey was, talking like a child twice his age, it is even easier to understand how you would treat him as a boy rather than a baby. I am sure he appreciated being treated like the big boy he had so quickly become in his own mind too.
It was the same with my first. He was speaking sentences and holding conversations by his first Birthday <—true story. Now my kids are all about 3.5 years apart (give or take a few months, and not intentionally planned that way by me).
Everyone has always assumed he is older than he is, with that has come some responsibilities. The only thing that has slowed some of that down (and didn't really start slowing things down until 4th grade) is his AS.
My second child is also has high expectations placed on him by everyone (not just me). His size doesn't help. He is 5ft 1in and 110lbs, yet he is only 9 years old. He truly towers his classmates and several teachers in his grade <—true story. His size makes people forget his age, therefore people expect him to act like a 13 year old. Even I have to step back and remind myself, he's only 9.
Baby Girl is caught in the middle, she still gets babied to an extent, but often I catch myself reminding her to set an example for her baby brother.
Bubby, the baby, has worn this mom down. He is coming on 3 in a week, and he thinks he is 30. Physically, nothing is holding him back, he can do anything. Mentally, he is still not capable of making the correct choices, which leads to much trouble. I fight with his speech too. Constantly telling his siblings to stop talking for him.
I think we all gain specific life skills by the order we are born. It gives us our individuality. Which is important.
My first was like that too. Bubba said his ABC's for the first time when he was 18mo. and was also talking in complete sentences. I've always treated him and talked to him like he was older than he is (and I didn't have another little one until he was 4). I forget he's only 9 a lot b/c he acts like he's 15.
My middle child, who is almost 6, still thinks he's the baby and our actual baby, who will only be 18 months old when his sister arrives, cares absolutely NOTHING for being treated like the 'baby.'
Don't feel bad about it, every child is different and I think they all need something different from us.
What a beautiful little boy! He looks SO much like you. And don't feel guilty! You have done a great job with all three boys!!
I feel the same way about Zach and Ben – Zach was only 16 mo when Benny was born and I expected SO much out of him at that age!
Awe I know the feeling. My oldest talked so well at the age of one…while I did have 2 1/2 years with him I know feel guilty because I treat him like he is older than he is. I lose my patience with him more and I feel so guilty about it. Your son is so adorable….and he will be a good man because of you.
Mommy guilt sucks but it helps us too. As long as you're thinking like this – and questioning yourself and wondering what else you can do to be better – I think that means you're a great Mommy.
I feel like I rushed through stuff with my 4 year old but he wants it that way….and with my 1 1/2 year old I've slowed down….it's whatever is easiest that works now…and that's okay.
So right sister! Parallel lives. It's getting so boring saying that but it's soooo true!
Love you babe,
Alex
I think it goes with the territory that the oldest is expected to grow up quicker. Don't worry about it – that's what makes the firstborns most successful in life!
It sounds like you are doing a great job…but I can relate…my two are 18 months apart. I remember walking across a parking lot when The Boy was 15 months, holding his hand for the first time instead of carrying him, because I was too pregnant and carrying Subway and just bawling, because he was still just a baby and what had I done. And yes, I still carry his younger sister up to bed every night and she's 6, but I think they each get what they need. And they BOTH know how much I love them…but I still feel guilty.
Monkey sounds like a very special boy. It sounds to me like you just did what you had to do with three young boys. I think there is always some mommy guilt with the oldest but like you say it evens out. I have mommy guilt with my youngest because she didn't get the one on one time as much as her brother. It's all just a part of being a mom and each child is individual and special and I think you're a great mom!! 🙂
Your boys are just adorable! I think all moms go through guilt at one time or another.
I don't see how you keep up with 3 boys, my one keeps me on my toes and he is almost 14! props to ya!
I can tell that you love the little man he has turned out to be. With that said, quit with the mommy guilt. He is the way he is because you raised him like you did. And if you love him the way he is, then be proud that you helped make him that way.
what an amazing story..
It goes by so fast. By looking at all of those pictures he sure has grown into a sweet little boy. Mine little one is 2 going to be three in Oct. I got her signed up for her first two days a week of preschool. What she is already for that. When did that happen?
have a great day..
My daughter was talking like that before she was 2 also.
I get mommy guilt over things we do for Little Dude, but not GG. I guess it's part of him being the baby. I think it the older ones couldn't handle being treated like a big kid, they would show it. I think you're doing a great job!
The biggest regrets we have are the ones we have over our kids. You may not think that you let him be little, but I bet you gave him another gift that will serve him very well later in life, the gift of independence. And I think that is just as important.
Oh I can completely understand what you mean. My 4 year old has always been easy-going and eager to please. He picked up on things quickly (still does), wasn't full of tantrums at age 2 (though the back talk has been coming right on schedule now!) and this was all before he became a big brother! He was 3 my daughter was born, and instantly assumed the role of big brother. It's hard to remember sometimes, even now when he's 4 1/2 and my daughter is 16 months. Yes, he knows better than she does, but he's still only 4!!
Mommy guilt is a powerful thing.
Shell,
Pouring your heart out…what a great idea for people to share!
Thanks for visiting my blog. My latest posts are “The Power” and “The Triumphant Heart.”
Cheers,
Ron
http://inspiredbyron.blogspot.com/
http://apps.facebook.com/blognetworks/blog/inspire_343432/
A) He's so handsome!! B) You are amazing C) It's the way it goes with oldest/ only children. My parents had to be the same way. there was too much drama with my brother and my dad. It happens. And he's only 5…. he has so much of his childhood left. It's not even close to being over. D) You're amazing…. wait, did I already say that?? Well, it's true
Oh lady, I could have wrote this entry! Addison and Kaiden are 13-months apart, and Kaid and Kam are 18-months apart. Everyone has mommy guilt about something.
The same thing happened at my house. Mine was a little older when the baby came but he had to 'man up' too early as well. And my youngest is 7 and I STILL try to baby him because there aren't anymore babies and there won't be until the grandkids come.
When you're a mom there's always something to feel guilty about.
aawwww….Monkey is so cute!!! Mommy guilt…I was wondering what that was called. 🙁
I think it happens with all the oldest children in most families. My oldest sister was like our second mom when Mom was working. We still see her as such. Mom always says that we need to look to her when she's gone.
Turbo always seemed so grown up–but that could have been because he was around adults a lot. Now with Bruiser he want to grow up fast too, to be like his big brother. It's hard to let them be and put our expectations on them. And mommy guilt–oh man it's a daily thing here for something or other. Mostly I try to ignore it or let it go. Better for me and the kids.
It sounds to me as though it wasn't you pushing Monkey to grow up faster, he just did. So there's nothing to feel guilty about, that's just some of the myriad ways in which your two boys are different!
I won't even begin to assume I know what you're feeling, since I don't have kids. But I do remember a post you wrote recently about how different your three boys are, and how different your approach and tactics are with each of them. Maybe this is just another area where Monkey is different. No, he may not be babied as much as the other two, but he's the first. Being the oldest has its perks too.
I think they know mommy loves them equally, and that's what really counts.
As a divorced mom of 1 my momma guilt is different but much the same…I never hardly let Tyler be a baby in some ways and yet in others I held him back… Your lil Monkey will grow to be the glue in your family if he is anything like my middle brother…he will look back and know he was meant to be a big boy all along because sometimes a mom just needs a big boy to help her through life!
My eldest was also an early and advanced talker, and he's 21 months older than my daughter, so i know all about the toddler/newborn thing. Just remember you did the best you could. And I doubt Monkey is scarred – and I'm sure he loves being a big brother!
Now my third – he is probably babied too much and, at almost 15 months, is already spoiled. Comes with the territory of being the Last.
Oh sweet Monkey – seriously, you should sell your eggs – you make the most beautiful boys!!
As far as treating the kids differently, I like to play pretend sometimes that my Youngest is my Only. Crazy scary how fast my expectations of him change.
You're doing just fine.
As always beautiful post Shell. Mommy guilt is the worst. Lately I am feeling mommy guilt alot.
Addyson is (minus a day) exactly 18 months older than Colton. I cried when he was born, out of happiness and guilt. I felt like Addyson was kicked out of the nest too soon. Now, seeing them together, I realize what a good thing it is…but it was hard. Emotionally more than anything.
I have done the pin her to the car with my body while I get Colton out thing too 😉
Oh Shell, he's adorable! I know what you mean though. I had my babies close together and I expected (and still do I guess) a lot from my oldest. I was just telling my Mom the other day I wish in some ways I could go back and let her be little some more. You learn everything with your oldest child.
Josiah was like that too. I guess it's a first/only thing. They associate more with grown-ups and they act/talk like little adults! But childhood goes so fast!
He sure is an adorable kiddo!
I feel like kids, especially boys, that close in age realize they're stronger together than apart.
I hope they become super friends with each other as they get older.
Awww! He looks adorable! Don't you worry – it's ok that his family role is big brother – he is proud of that I'm sure! He can get babied by other people!
Awe, don't guilt yourself too much! He knows he's loved. That's obvious! You're a great mom.
Shell,
I bet that so many mothers out there can relate to what you're saying and all of us can sit here and tell you not to feel bad. And, despite the fact that it might not change the way you feel, don't feel bad! It looks like you have a very responsible and determined little boy and your hands because of those things and that will get him FAR in life!
By the way, this is my first week participating with you and I think I'll be back. There are often times where I seriously just need to, literally, pour my heart out and this is the PERFECT opportunity!
Have a great day! 🙂
I too feel like my first born was pushed to grow up when his sister's arrived. To think back about it now I'm not sure that I could have or would have done it any differently.
What a cutie patootie!!
awww, I feel like this too with the twins… I never really got to baby them because there were two! I never really was able to give my full attention to one… now my youngest acts like he is spoiled rotten cause of all the mommy hugs and kisses =) With the next one you realize how quick they grow up and you want to savor every bit of the baby stage- I totally feel ya girl =)
P.S. ur 5 year old little man is just adorable!!
You know … that's kinda how first-born kids are. My husband and I are both the oldest sibling, and we both have that extra grow-up faster thing. Growing up we both felt as if something extra was expected of us that was not expected of our siblings.
Mommy guilt does suck though.
ohmy soul i'm balling here!!! Monkey is SO FREAKING ADORABLE =) I have been having the same feelings about our LO, she turns 2 in October and I feel like we often expect too much of her, I find myself thinking: don't throw a tantrum in the store, don't throw your food on the floor, don't fuss in your carseat, don't squish the plants….but it's all stuff that is normal for them to be doing at this age, waaa, you suck Mommy Guilt!!!! Anyways, nice to stop by today, weeks 1/2 way over, yaaay!
I totally understand about the Mommy Guilt. Matthew is 2 and I know I expect more from him than I should but how do I suddenly reverse my expectations?
I love the 5 year old picture of Monkey!
Cheers 🙂
– Rainforest Mommy
He's really cute! He looks a lot like you actually. My ex and my daughter butt heads because they're so similar too!
I read this lying in bed lat night but I guess didn't comment cause I can't find me.
I always treated Nikki like she was grown and I regret that some. When Kelly came along I was always saying your the big sister…be good to the baby and stuff like that. Kelly ran all over her and I feel horrible for that. It took a long time but they are close now.
Monkey is adorable!
Oh Shell, I deal with that same guilt almost everyday.
My 3 boys are all 15 months apart, so my oldest and middle child had to grow up so fast! Like you, I couldn't carry them anywhere and they had to be very patient all the time. Even though my youngest is almost 2, I baby him like crazy. He seems so much younger than 2, and I don't remember my older two boys being like that when they were 2. I wish I could go back and enjoy those times with them. However, I'm glad they are so close in age because they are all each other's best friends!!
Mommy guilt does suck! But keep in mind how GOOD of a Mommy you are. Now that you are aware, make a point of letting your oldest be the age he is—He is probably just advanced! Many oldest children are! Hugs and kisses for all you do for the blogging community! we will have to do lunch the next time my fam goes to da beach!
My 3 yr old was the exact same way. Like you said I don't know any different until people tell me it is.
That was really honest and sweet. Don't feel too guilty about the baby book. Both of my girls have one, but only the first 4 pages.
Bad mommy.
Damn that mommy guilt. It will kill us, won't it? It sounds like Bear was up for the challenge, and that he was ready to be treated like a big boy. I know that doesn't take the guilt away, but you did the best you could given the circumstances. And it sounds like Bear is no worse for wear.
He's so handsome!
I'm doing the same thing now, with Tater, although until I read this, I didn't realize I was doing it!! I hate mommy guilt, and I hate that I'm making him grow up so fast instead of just enjoying it 🙁
Monkey is SO handsome!!
I have something I am posting tomorrow for Mama Kat's, I may also come back and include it here!
I really do think it all works out in the end. Just think of the gift you have him by having a younger brother so close in age…they will be bff because they will have so very much in common.
We all woulda coulda shoulda ourselves…truth is there is no manual and we all do the best we can! You sound like an amazing Mommy to me:)
Oh. Don't have guilt. I think most people do this..especially if they have two close in age. That is why oldest kids have the characteristics they do of responsibility and so forth.
He is just as cute as can be.
And he looks perfectly happy.
Sweet Shell, you didn't make him grow up too fast, he was just mature! My older daughter was the EXACT same way — she walked early (before she was 9 months old), she talked early, and she was holding conversations with everyone early too. I always say she came out a toddler. I always figured that was just *her*. And then I had our second, and I saw what it was like to have a *baby*. Wow, what a difference! They are so unique and so special, just like your boys. You have such a soft heart, but I bet your little man was just meant to be a little man. <3
I hate that dreaded Mommy Guilt. I think we've all felt it before.
My daughter is 3 and sometimes I forget she's still little. Mainly because of her attitude…
I honestly believe that first children and only children are more mature just because they're around adults most of the time. Think about the poor kids out there who have really awful mommies and then rejoice that you are such a good mommy that you actually feel guilty about being a good mommy!!!
I agree with Jayaycee!! Being the first myself it was rough having to grow up faster but well worth it. Plus feeling guilty for being a good mommy is a good reason to feel that way. I struggle with the fact the girls mom is not a good one.
I wanted to let you know I have an award for you at my blog. http://tinyurl.com/258ezer
Have a great day!!
He's beautiful, and strong, and smart, and engaging because of your wonderful mothering. His "rank" of oldest will serve him quite well in life. You've given him a gift, too.
Great, great post.
Shell,
I totally relate to this post, esp with the guilt. I think when you have 3, someone is ALWAYS shortchanged. And it usually ends up being the oldest, the one who doesn't DEMAND the attention that the others do. It breaks my heart that I expect wayyyy so much more from my Eldest. But I have to.
xoxo Sarah