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July 23, 2013 by: Shell

Pour Your Heart Out: Lessons Learned as a Special Needs Mom

I’ve never been one of those moms who sees her child’s special needs as something she wouldn’t change if she could. I’d grab that magic wand and wave it over my son’s head with no hesitation, if one existed. While I’m incredibly thankful for my son(for all my sons), I don’t usually think about being thankful for special needs.

So when I was challenged to find the positive about special needs parenting, it really and truly was a challenge.

I wanted to sarcastically toss out that I’ve learned how to juggle multiple therapy appointments and that my son can swallow pills like a champ. And that I’ve learned a whole new language that sounds an awful lot like alphabet soup to those not in the know.

But then I really thought about it. There are lessons I’ve learned as a special needs mom that I’m truly thankful for.

Being his mama teaches me a lot.

Being his mama teaches me a lot.

 You never know someone else’s story, so don’t judge.

While I’ve always had an opinion that whatever you are doing with your kids is your business and I don’t need to tell you how to parent, being a special needs mom cemented this for me. Because my son has had moments when he’s melted down or shut down or said something that would be so easy for someone to judge and find me lacking as a mom, thinking that all that is needed is a firm hand and the problem would be solved. But I understand that it’s different and just not that easy when you are dealing with a special needs child. So when I see a mom having a rough day, I don’t assume I have the solution or that she’s doing anything wrong.

Finding someone who understands is a blessing.

When I was a new mom, I became friends with women I had absolutely nothing in common with other than having a baby the same age. We headed to moms’ groups and were so relieved to find someone going through the same things. It works much the same way with special needs moms. Last week, I met a woman whose son has the same PDD-NOS and ADHD diagnosis that my son has. We gabbed like we’d known each other forever, exchanged phone numbers and are planning to get together next week. While I appreciate all of my friends, it feels really good to be able to talk to someone who truly gets it.

Fight for your child.

This might sound like a no-brainer. But there have been times when I’ve thought eh, this isn’t all that big of a deal, I don’t need to put up a fuss. So I let things go. Things I should have addressed- like the horrible teacher my oldest had for first grade(as a former teacher, I don’t take it lightly to say something negative about a teacher, but this one was really awful). But from having to fight for one of my children, to be sure that he got all the help he needed, I learned that it’s okay to speak up and fight for what all my kids need(at least when it comes to the important stuff).

Celebrate each victory.

We clap and cheer the milestones when are our kids are babies. But somewhere along the line, we start taking progress for granted. But with my special needs child, who had to fight for that growth, I notice it more and celebrate it. Not just with him, but with all of my kids.

Love is the most important thing.

Even on those rough days, I never question how fiercely I love my son. How fiercely I love all my boys. And how much they love back. That can get you through anything(well, love and a bottle of vodka).

pour your heart outClick if you want to find out more about Pour Your Heart Out. Remember, it’s about what you want to pour out: it’s personal, so there isn’t an assigned topic. It’s also about being supportive of others who are sharing: so visit other linkers and be kind with your comments. 


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Comments

  1. Becky Kopitzke says

    July 23, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    Wise thoughts for moms of all kids, special needs or not. Thank you for sharing your lessons learned, Shell. Your boys are blessed to have you for their mom.

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:22 am

      Thanks, Becky!

  2. AnnMarie says

    July 24, 2013 at 12:27 am

    Aww…Shell, thank you for siting my post about CF. It was one of the hardest that I’ve ever written because it forced me to think about how not everything about CF is horrible. I loved the beginning of this post because I didn’t sign up for this and I’d change it in a heartbeat.

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:23 am

      Your post has stuck in my mind for months and I’ve wanted to come up with something. But as you know, I get cranky about it more than I feel blessed. 😉

  3. Christine @ Love, Life, Surf says

    July 24, 2013 at 12:37 am

    These are really important lessons for all of us, especially the first one. 

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:23 am

      Thanks, Christine!

  4. Kimberly says

    July 24, 2013 at 1:07 am

    Those are all very important lessons for all moms, special needs or not. And that last one? So so true. Your boys are lucky to have you.

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:25 am

      Thanks, Kimberly!

  5. Mama and the City says

    July 24, 2013 at 1:45 am

    I’ve been so faulty of judging too quickly. And it’s true, we need to remind ourselves there is always a story behind what we see.

    Hugs Shell.

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:25 am

      Sometimes I have that gut reaction of judging. But with all that we’ve gone through here, I’ve learned that there could so easily be more to the story and I shouldn’t actually voice that judgement or show it with a look.

  6. Jo Lynn says

    July 24, 2013 at 1:50 am

    I’m with you on waving that magic wand in a heartbeat if I could too.  These are some really good lessons and good reminders. 

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:27 am

      I still wish for that magic wand. 😉

  7. Brittany says

    July 24, 2013 at 2:45 am

    I especially love the last one… through everything my family has been through this year, it has been love that has gotten us by. 

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:27 am

      As cheesy as it may sound, love really is the most important.

  8. momof12 says

    July 24, 2013 at 4:25 am

    I know how you feel, Shell. So difficult, but such a blessing. Give him a hug from me.
    Sandy

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:28 am

      Thanks, Sandy!

  9. Alison says

    July 24, 2013 at 5:57 am

    These are great lessons, Shell, for all of us. 
    Children are our greatest teachers!

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:29 am

      They really do teach us so much!

  10. Angie says

    July 24, 2013 at 6:59 am

    It’s amazing how much our kids or our “struggles” can teach us if we are willing to listen

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:29 am

      Very true!

  11. JDaniel4's Mom says

    July 24, 2013 at 7:31 am

    I love how you see this. Each step our children take is a blessing.

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:30 am

      Thank you! xo

  12. Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 says

    July 24, 2013 at 7:43 am

    I absolutely love this. When I was a newbie teacher, I ran into the parent of a special needs kid in the grocery store. I started to discuss something that happened at an IEP meeting and she stopped me and said, “You’ve gotta understand…I am his ONLY advocate. No one else. I am all he has, so if I seem to get upset about things that you guys don’t think are important, you’ve got to understand that that is my job as his mother. I’m all he has right now.” It struck me and made me change my tune about those “involved” parents. I’m so glad she said that to me. You gotta fight for your kid.

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:31 am

      I definitely see things differently now that I sit on the other side of the IEP table.

  13. Single Mom in the South says

    July 24, 2013 at 8:10 am

    Another post, beautifully written and well said. You are spot on. These are lessons that are important for all moms!

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:31 am

      Thank you!!

  14. Krystal says

    July 24, 2013 at 8:48 am

    I love this list…it is hard to find the things that we have learned and the positives of special needs parenting. There are times where I just want to scream but we learn so much. You are a great mom and you are doing everything that you can for your sons. I’m glad to have met you because you’re right, its sooo good finding someone who just “gets it”. ((HUGS))

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:32 am

      It’s very hard to explain to those who aren’t in the situation. I thought I could empathize before, but it’s hard to truly get it. Friends who go through similar things can be such a blessing.

  15. Emmy says

    July 24, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Beautifully said! I think the not judging aspect is why I am also most grateful for the challenges and trials in my life as like you said you just never know.  
      Glad you were able to find a friend who is going through some of the same things as you.

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:33 am

      Sometimes it takes us going through something rough for us to realize that we need to cut others slack, too!

  16. Natalie says

    July 24, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Spot on…spot on Shell!

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:33 am

      Thanks, Natalie! xo

  17. Shannon@MishmashMama says

    July 24, 2013 at 11:33 am

    I feel you. I’m on the same journey, so thank you for sharing.

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:34 am

      It can be so rough. xo

  18. Jackie says

    July 24, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    I have to agree with the others who suggested your list is applicable for any parent. 

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:34 am

      Thanks, Jackie!

  19. CupcakesandHomeschool says

    July 24, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    I would also grab that magic wand in a second for my daughter. Great post those are the lessons I have learned too, and I try to remember them on hard days. 🙂

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:35 am

      It has helped me to try to focus on the positive in those rough moments. Or at least, to remember the positive when those rough moments are over.

  20. Debra says

    July 24, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    So true, you never know someone else’s story so you shouldn’t judge – each parent and child experience is different. I think that is true whether a child/family is special needs or not!

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:36 am

      Exactly. We never truly know someone else’s story, we’re just seeing a moment in time.

  21. Shannon@Mishmash Mama says

    July 24, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    By the way, I have said the exact same thing as you did in your first paragraph. I’d change it in a heartbeat. You are definitely not alone there.

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:36 am

      I’m so glad you get that. I have felt judged in the past for saying that, but I truly don’t understand those who wouldn’t change it if they could.

  22. Twingle Mommy says

    July 24, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    I would wave that magic wand too. I always thought that made me a bad special needs parent, since it seems like all the other moms say they wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve learned to have patience and to take care of myself. 

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:37 am

      I have felt the same. But all I want is the easiest journey for my kids.

  23. michelle says

    July 24, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    Great post, Shell!  Being positive is not easy…especially about special needs!

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:38 am

      Thanks, Michelle!

  24. Teresa says

    July 24, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    Good lessons!! <3 this!

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:38 am

      Thanks, Teresa!

  25. Making It Work Mom says

    July 24, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    You are so right with all of these. But I think that celebrating all those victories with our older children is so important. I am not sure why we stop doing that! Thanks for the reminder.

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:39 am

      It has definitely been a wake up call!

  26. Carrie says

    July 24, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    I don’t have experience as a special needs parent, but I’ve had plenty of times when my kids are behaving REALLY POORLY in public, or maybe I’ve completely lost my temper in public (that’s the worst), and later I find myself thinking that I hope other parents weren’t thinking about what an awful mom I was being at that moment…I try to remember that feeling when I see other parents having trouble with their kids. I really don’t know their situation, and it’s not fair to judge.

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:40 am

      Exactly- all we are seeing is just a moment in time, not the full picture.

  27. Ilene says

    July 28, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    These are lessons for all of us – you never know someone else’s story – even if their kids aren’t special needs. And love is the most important thing. always!  

    • Shell says

      July 29, 2013 at 9:42 am

      Love really is, cheesy as it may sound!

Trackbacks

  1. The One Day I Got Out | Laugh With Us Blog says:
    July 23, 2013 at 11:29 pm

    […] This post is linked to Works for Me Wednesday and Pour Your Heart Out. […]

Welcome to Things I Can't Say: Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom. I'm Shell. Boy mom, beach girl, bookworm, ball games, baker, brand ambassador, Thinking yoga, food, and travel should start with "b," too. Finding the easiest way to do some things while overthinking so many others. Read More…

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