I’ve never been one of those moms who sees her child’s special needs as something she wouldn’t change if she could. I’d grab that magic wand and wave it over my son’s head with no hesitation, if one existed. While I’m incredibly thankful for my son(for all my sons), I don’t usually think about being thankful for special needs.
So when I was challenged to find the positive about special needs parenting, it really and truly was a challenge.
I wanted to sarcastically toss out that I’ve learned how to juggle multiple therapy appointments and that my son can swallow pills like a champ. And that I’ve learned a whole new language that sounds an awful lot like alphabet soup to those not in the know.
But then I really thought about it. There are lessons I’ve learned as a special needs mom that I’m truly thankful for.
Being his mama teaches me a lot.
You never know someone else’s story, so don’t judge.
While I’ve always had an opinion that whatever you are doing with your kids is your business and I don’t need to tell you how to parent, being a special needs mom cemented this for me. Because my son has had moments when he’s melted down or shut down or said something that would be so easy for someone to judge and find me lacking as a mom, thinking that all that is needed is a firm hand and the problem would be solved. But I understand that it’s different and just not that easy when you are dealing with a special needs child. So when I see a mom having a rough day, I don’t assume I have the solution or that she’s doing anything wrong.
Finding someone who understands is a blessing.
When I was a new mom, I became friends with women I had absolutely nothing in common with other than having a baby the same age. We headed to moms’ groups and were so relieved to find someone going through the same things. It works much the same way with special needs moms. Last week, I met a woman whose son has the same PDD-NOS and ADHD diagnosis that my son has. We gabbed like we’d known each other forever, exchanged phone numbers and are planning to get together next week. While I appreciate all of my friends, it feels really good to be able to talk to someone who truly gets it.
Fight for your child.
This might sound like a no-brainer. But there have been times when I’ve thought eh, this isn’t all that big of a deal, I don’t need to put up a fuss. So I let things go. Things I should have addressed- like the horrible teacher my oldest had for first grade(as a former teacher, I don’t take it lightly to say something negative about a teacher, but this one was really awful). But from having to fight for one of my children, to be sure that he got all the help he needed, I learned that it’s okay to speak up and fight for what all my kids need(at least when it comes to the important stuff).
Celebrate each victory.
We clap and cheer the milestones when are our kids are babies. But somewhere along the line, we start taking progress for granted. But with my special needs child, who had to fight for that growth, I notice it more and celebrate it. Not just with him, but with all of my kids.
Love is the most important thing.
Even on those rough days, I never question how fiercely I love my son. How fiercely I love all my boys. And how much they love back. That can get you through anything(well, love and a bottle of vodka).
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Wise thoughts for moms of all kids, special needs or not. Thank you for sharing your lessons learned, Shell. Your boys are blessed to have you for their mom.
Thanks, Becky!
Aww…Shell, thank you for siting my post about CF. It was one of the hardest that I’ve ever written because it forced me to think about how not everything about CF is horrible. I loved the beginning of this post because I didn’t sign up for this and I’d change it in a heartbeat.
Your post has stuck in my mind for months and I’ve wanted to come up with something. But as you know, I get cranky about it more than I feel blessed. 😉
These are really important lessons for all of us, especially the first one.
Thanks, Christine!
Those are all very important lessons for all moms, special needs or not. And that last one? So so true. Your boys are lucky to have you.
Thanks, Kimberly!
I’ve been so faulty of judging too quickly. And it’s true, we need to remind ourselves there is always a story behind what we see.
Hugs Shell.
Sometimes I have that gut reaction of judging. But with all that we’ve gone through here, I’ve learned that there could so easily be more to the story and I shouldn’t actually voice that judgement or show it with a look.
I’m with you on waving that magic wand in a heartbeat if I could too. These are some really good lessons and good reminders.
I still wish for that magic wand. 😉
I especially love the last one… through everything my family has been through this year, it has been love that has gotten us by.
As cheesy as it may sound, love really is the most important.
I know how you feel, Shell. So difficult, but such a blessing. Give him a hug from me.
Sandy
Thanks, Sandy!
These are great lessons, Shell, for all of us.
Children are our greatest teachers!
They really do teach us so much!
It’s amazing how much our kids or our “struggles” can teach us if we are willing to listen
Very true!
I love how you see this. Each step our children take is a blessing.
Thank you! xo
I absolutely love this. When I was a newbie teacher, I ran into the parent of a special needs kid in the grocery store. I started to discuss something that happened at an IEP meeting and she stopped me and said, “You’ve gotta understand…I am his ONLY advocate. No one else. I am all he has, so if I seem to get upset about things that you guys don’t think are important, you’ve got to understand that that is my job as his mother. I’m all he has right now.” It struck me and made me change my tune about those “involved” parents. I’m so glad she said that to me. You gotta fight for your kid.
I definitely see things differently now that I sit on the other side of the IEP table.
Another post, beautifully written and well said. You are spot on. These are lessons that are important for all moms!
Thank you!!
I love this list…it is hard to find the things that we have learned and the positives of special needs parenting. There are times where I just want to scream but we learn so much. You are a great mom and you are doing everything that you can for your sons. I’m glad to have met you because you’re right, its sooo good finding someone who just “gets it”. ((HUGS))
It’s very hard to explain to those who aren’t in the situation. I thought I could empathize before, but it’s hard to truly get it. Friends who go through similar things can be such a blessing.
Beautifully said! I think the not judging aspect is why I am also most grateful for the challenges and trials in my life as like you said you just never know.
Glad you were able to find a friend who is going through some of the same things as you.
Sometimes it takes us going through something rough for us to realize that we need to cut others slack, too!
Spot on…spot on Shell!
Thanks, Natalie! xo
I feel you. I’m on the same journey, so thank you for sharing.
It can be so rough. xo
I have to agree with the others who suggested your list is applicable for any parent.
Thanks, Jackie!
I would also grab that magic wand in a second for my daughter. Great post those are the lessons I have learned too, and I try to remember them on hard days. 🙂
It has helped me to try to focus on the positive in those rough moments. Or at least, to remember the positive when those rough moments are over.
So true, you never know someone else’s story so you shouldn’t judge – each parent and child experience is different. I think that is true whether a child/family is special needs or not!
Exactly. We never truly know someone else’s story, we’re just seeing a moment in time.
By the way, I have said the exact same thing as you did in your first paragraph. I’d change it in a heartbeat. You are definitely not alone there.
I’m so glad you get that. I have felt judged in the past for saying that, but I truly don’t understand those who wouldn’t change it if they could.
I would wave that magic wand too. I always thought that made me a bad special needs parent, since it seems like all the other moms say they wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve learned to have patience and to take care of myself.
I have felt the same. But all I want is the easiest journey for my kids.
Great post, Shell! Being positive is not easy…especially about special needs!
Thanks, Michelle!
Good lessons!! <3 this!
Thanks, Teresa!
You are so right with all of these. But I think that celebrating all those victories with our older children is so important. I am not sure why we stop doing that! Thanks for the reminder.
It has definitely been a wake up call!
I don’t have experience as a special needs parent, but I’ve had plenty of times when my kids are behaving REALLY POORLY in public, or maybe I’ve completely lost my temper in public (that’s the worst), and later I find myself thinking that I hope other parents weren’t thinking about what an awful mom I was being at that moment…I try to remember that feeling when I see other parents having trouble with their kids. I really don’t know their situation, and it’s not fair to judge.
Exactly- all we are seeing is just a moment in time, not the full picture.
These are lessons for all of us – you never know someone else’s story – even if their kids aren’t special needs. And love is the most important thing. always!
Love really is, cheesy as it may sound!