Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Pour Your Heart Out: Imagining 36

A million, billion light years ago, two college seniors sat chatting in a diner in the middle of the night.

They imagined their lives when they would be 36. An age that sounded so old and foreign to them that it might as well be something that happens on another planet.

Thirty-six. The magical age when they’d have their 15 year term student loans paid off(ha, yeah, right, ladies).

Running on little sleep and way too much coffee, they wondered just how different their lives would be by the time they were 36 and could slide that last(again, I’m dying from thinking it would be the last) student loan payment in the mail.

One of them had a set plan for how she wanted her life to look waaaay down the road at 36. And thanks to facebook, we can see that she pretty much stuck to that plan with very few detours(our other gal at the table is having a hard time not spitefully spitting out “how boring” because it’s not really boring… but since she was judged wildly by the one who never deviated from the plan for all the times she had to forge her own path, she still wants to say “how boring.”).

The other didn’t really have a set plan.

Thirty six.

Surely by then, she’d no longer feel like a child.

Even though those around her, the other seniors at her school, were insisting they were adults, she still felt very much like a child.

But by 36, she wouldn’t feel like that any more and no one could possibly treat her as such. That was about all she knew.

She couldn’t even imagine what life would be like then.

As the two drank more coffee and ate stale cookies in the middle of the night in a corner booth, she had brief flashes of what life might be like.

smiley cookies

Maybe she’d be living alone in a small coastal town, teaching during the day and spending as much time reading on a quiet beach during the off hours as she could. That seemed like the right image.

Or maybe she’d get married and have a pack of kids. She smiled and hoped that would be true. She did want to get married and have kids, but it was so far from where her current life was going, so far from where her friend’s life was going, that she had a hard time believing that image, so she waved it away.

Thinking that she had no idea what her life would be like when she was 36, but surely it would be different from what she knew in that moment.

Well, I turn 36 this week(Thursday, in fact. Please send wine or yoga pants).

And it definitely feels like a lifetime ago from when I sat imagining this age back when I was a clueless college senior.

Though I guess I was right about something: I don’t feel like a child any more.

But I also don’t feel OLD. Thirty-six is NOT old. It’s oldER than that child I was. But it’s not OLD.

I might not have quite as much of my life still head of me as way back when I was sitting with a friend eating stale cookies(with age comes the wisdom that you can GET FRESH COOKIES), but I still have plenty ahead of me.

Since I really didn’t know where my life was going, I can’t say that my life is or isn’t what I imagined.

But it’s a very full life.

A happy life. Well, more often than not, it’s happy.

That’s all I can ask for.

I think the girl I was in that diner all those years ago would be happy to see how things turned out for her. She knew life wouldn’t be perfect, but she hoped for happiness. And she got it. With many more years to go.

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Comments

  1. Happy Birthday and explain to me how you got past the not feeling like a kid thing. I’ve got 12 years on you and I still feel like a kid sometimes.

  2. I’ve always known exactly what I’ve wanted out of life even if I didn’t have a plan for or really care how it happened. And for the most part I’ve gotten what I wanted. But the most important thing for me is being happy, completely happy. As long as I’m that the rest really doesn’t matter.

    So glad you find your happy, and that your life is full. Everyone deserves a full happy life. 🙂

  3. Happy Birthday! I’ll also be 36 in a few weeks and I often still feel like a kid. 15 years ago, I had a very different idea of what life would be like now but no regrets. It’s way better than I could have imagined. I’m really happy some of the things I wanted then didn’t work out as I expected.

    Oh and I joke that I just hope to have my student loans paid off by the time the girls go to college 😉

    • I’m sort of doubting mine will be paid off by then!

      i still have moments when I feel like a kid… until I’m around people in their teens/early 20s. Then I realize nope, I’m definitely not still there.

  5. Happy Birthday! I turn the big 4-0 this September.  I remember 36 well.  It will be a great year.  As I progress towards 40, I am can look back and see that I am much more confident NOW!  As I am sure you are as well!

  6. I hope that you have the best birthday ever! I liked 36… it wasn’t all that bad. As 40 loomed I was worried because that seemed old… but now that I am 40 and really damn close to 41 it isn’t so bad.
    There are times that I still feel like a kid.

    When we’re at BlogHer I’ll buy you a birthday drink!

    • I still have moments when I feel like a kid… until I spend time around 20 somethings. And then I realize, nope, not still there. And then I want to take a nap. 😉

      Can’t wait to get to meet you!

    • Nope, that’s not old at all!

      A whole pack of kids. They’ll have fun. Or just be really loud anyway.

  10. No way did my life evev turn out close to what I had imagined! Except for the kids part….well not even that. I knew I loved kids but only wanted one because I’d be too busy working with other kids….ha oh irony. I didn’t plan on spending years as a single mom either but it taught me the best lessons in my grown up life. 36…ah yes it has been a good year for me so far(I turned 36 in June) Happy Birthday I’d send you yoga pants but I’m keeping them for myself.

    • Plans have a way of changing, don’t they?

      And yoga pants are the best- I’d have a hard time sharing, too. 😉

  11. Wow.  I had a lot of conversations like this in college.  I love being that age that I used to think about.  It’s not what I thought it would be and in most ways, it’s much better.  It’s mine.  And yes, I think at this age, I have the wisdom to replace the stale cookies if nothing else! 

  12. I think you’re right on. A full life is all we can ask for. At 35, I still have no clue. I didn’t think it would be like that. I feel older, yes. But, not old. I finally get carded, and teenagers clearly think I’m old. Sometimes, I cringe when I’m referred to as “Mam”. But, as far as the picture I had for my life. It’s so much different. I was a dreamer. I still am. 

    • It would be sad to ever lose being a dreamer.

      I started getting called ma’am at 22 because I was teaching in the South. I about died. But now I’m used to it.

  15. I turned 32 yesterday, so happy birthday fellow crab sign. I think that at 32 I’m finally starting to see the life that I wanted when I was in college. I never had a set plan but there were things I wanted and I finally feel like life is getting there.

  16. Ah yes- isn’t it amazing how we look back at our younger selves and reflect on those days and those dreams and those innocent wonderings…

    What a lovely post Shell! Have AN AWESOME birthday!! (I turn 46 next month… we are a decade apart.. ouch.)

    • But isn’t it funny how as we get older, age difference really doesn’t matter? I tend to look at it more like life stage than actual age.

  17. Happy Birthday!
    I had no idea how my life would turn out, and truthfully, in my early 20’s, I was living in the moment. 
    I’ll be 37 soon. I don’t feel old. At all. 🙂

    • I really had no clue as a 20-something. I think it’s probably better that way- no big unfulfilled dreams. 😉

      We’re definitely NOT old!

    • I was very dramatic about turning 29 for some reason. But have taken all other birthdays in stride.

  21. Happy Birthday!! I’m turning 36 next month, so I’m right there with ya. Hard to believe we’re only a few years away from 40, but I’m ok with it. Hey, age is only a number, right? Hope you are doing something fun to celebrate!

    And ps — are those Eat N’ Park cookies? 

    🙂

    • I definitely don’t feel like I’m almost 40. That used to seem so old. Now, notsomuch!

      They are from Eat n Park!

  24. Isn’t it funny how we think things will turn out for us down the road.  I don’t think I even thought I would be where I am right now.  

    Happy Birthday a day early girl!  Happy 36th!!! 🙂

  26. Happy Birthday Shell! I’ve thought about this a lot recently since I just celebrated my birthday at the end of June. I used to think that 30-something was so so old and it’s funny to think that I’m not that age that I used to think was so so old. I still feel like a kid and I still feel like my life is a work in progress but an overall happy work in progress.

    • Ah, a fellow crab. That totally makes sense to me, since I think we have a lot in common. xo

  27. Happy Birthday, Shell!!! I love the image of you in the diner thinking of your future. Looking back, I had such simple dreams and even then, it didn’t go quite like I thought it was going to. It was in my 30’s that I found out that you can plan and plan but life is going to get in the way and send you down paths you never thought of.

  28. Happy Birthday!! One of my favorite commercials from back in the day was for Lifesavers candy. They ended it with, “Isn’t life delicious?!” And it truly is. It tastes way more sweet than bitter. Hoping your day is delicious! 

  29. As someone who is about 4-ish years older than you I can truthfully say that 36 is NOT OLD. 😉 

    Happy birthday!!!

    And wine and yoga pants are two amazing gift requests, for real! 

    • And at 36, you realize that if no one gets you what you want, you go get it yourself. 😉

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