“I don’t care that he has autism!”
The angry words were yelled so loudly that you could hear them across the soccer field.
They stopped me in my tracks as I was heading to the parking lot with my three boys after our third soccer game of the day.
The furious mom was yelling at the coaches of the team that we had just played.
In the last quarter of the game, I had seen that same mom storm around the field to get her daughter from the bench and bring her to the parent side of the field.
I couldn’t quite make out everything that she was saying, but I could hear her arguing with another parent, something about a boy who had kept touching her daughter while they were on the bench.
But then she started heading back over to the player side of the field, with the intent of speaking to the little boy who had been bothering her daughter, steam practically coming out of her ears.
Another of the parents jumped up and yelled after her, “Wait, wait! He has autism!”
And my attention shifted from my child playing on the field to the sidelines.
I still didn’t quite know what was going on, though I did know they were talking about children on the other team, not my son. So part of me breathed a sigh of relief while another part of me thought that it could so easily be mine on another day.
The game ended, the players lined up to run through the parent tunnel, they got their snacks and everyone headed toward their cars.
Or almost everyone.
The angry mom continued to talk to the coaches on the other team. You could tell from her body language that she was furious.
My three boys were anxious to get out of there, having already been there pretty much nonstop for the past 7 hours thanks to that day’s game schedule. But I walked slowly.
And that’s when I head it.
“I don’t care that he has autism!”
I froze in my tracks and debated.
A big part of me wanted to go join the conversation. Because I’ve so been there. Someone getting upset at behaviors that my son can’t help. Someone getting upset over something that in the grand scheme of all we have to deal with…
Autism is not an excuse for kids to be able to do whatever they want and everyone around them should forgive them because of their autism. Oh, hell no. But, sometimes, yes, they do need a little more slack cut for them than other kids. It doesn’t mean that we don’t continue to work on things and try for improvement and it doesn’t mean that their behaviors should all be blown off as if they are no big deal. But, sometimes, when you are fighting a long and difficult war, you can’t win every single small battle. Or you can try, but you know there are some you will lose: so you stay focused on the big picture of the war.
I wanted to tell the dad that I knew. I knew how hard it can be.
I wanted to tell that mom that saying that she doesn’t care that this child has autism… that she has no idea what she’s talking about. That even though she has every right to stand up for her daughter, she has no idea what that other family is facing.
But, since I didn’t really know the details, since I didn’t think me butting into their conversation would really be welcome, since as Hubs later told me- that mom probably would have punched me, I allowed my boys’ momentum to lead me to the parking lot and away from the argument. I stayed out of it.
My heart was heavy as we drove away. It’s stayed that way since, knowing how easily I could have been the parent getting yelled at by a mom who doesn’t understand. And knowing that it would have meant a lot if someone had come stuck up for me. Oh, God, I should have said something.
And even though I can’t turn back time and change the fact that I walked away, I can keep my eyes out for that coach. And let him know that I get it, that he’s not alone. Even if it’s not when I should have spoken up, it’s all I can come up with now.
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Wow, that’s a tough one. But the fact that it’s been bugging you ever since is not an entirely bad thing. Your experiences are giving you wisdom that other people need to hear. You’ll find a chance again to share it. Maybe with somebody who’s a little more open to hearing it than the angry mom, eh? Blessings to you today, Shell.
She probably would not have appreciated anything I had to say. My regret is more with not being able to give the dad a comforting word.
Hmm. My first thought?? That lady is a serious motherbitch.
Ha. Possibly. 😉
I have been in the same situation… as our kids get older my biggest fear is that Liam will develop behaviors that will make him socially unacceptable as a friend… and that there will be people who hold it against him while we try to correct those behaviors… I would have been itching to get into the middle of the arguement too, but it probably wouldn’t have done any good from the sounds of it.. the woman was beyond rational….
I don’t think she would have appreciated anything I had to say. And I really didn’t see what happened. Though I still wish I’d been able to say something to the dad, just to let him know that there are parents out there who get it.
Even with my “mainstream” kids, I find that parents are so oversensitive to how other kids treat their children – and kids are kids! They are going to tough people inappropriately or make fun of other kids or bother other kids – because they are in f act kids and they are learning. I have had my share of helicopter parents harass me over normal kid behavior and it drives me nuts. But yes, I can imagine that hearing that being yelled from across a soccer field put a dagger in your heart because they could have been talking about you. And I agree with Ginny above. That woman is cold and insensitive to say the least.
One time, a parent completely flipped out on me because she saw my oldest push her son. I was so annoyed b/c if the mom had been paying attention, she would have seen her son pushing mine repeatedly and then he just got fed up and finally pushed back. Of course THAT was the moment the mom looked up. Not that I teach my kids it’s okay to fight, but sheesh!
Mom certainly has the right to stick up for her daughter but she could also handle it in a much better manner for her child and the other child and his family. I think often at sporting events people tend to forget these are children that are involved.
For sure she did. It was just handled poorly.
Oh how I hope and pray that somehow that women reads this post… My heart so aches for you but what a ministry you have to other moms and your heart of compassion and love is amazing. Bless you!
I doubt she will. And I don’t really know what happened, but her reaction was still extreme. You could see other parents being uncomfortable.
I think that mom’s reaction was inappropriate. But it was probably best that you stayed out of it. She could certainly have directed her fury at you.
When my son was in Kindergarten, a kid with behavioral issues stuck a thumbtack in my son’s neck. I didn’t freak out. What’s the point in that? It just puts everyone on the defensive…yelling rarely gets you anywhere.
Oh yikes! Your poor son!
But it is true that freaking out rarely gets anything accomplished.
Obviously the woman is beyond ugly. I think you did the right thing, though. First of all you had your boys with you and there is no way that they needed to hear that ugliness and secondly you putting in your 2 cents might have actually made the whole situation even more difficult. I would do just what you are planning to do find the coach at the next practice and game and let him know how awful you think that mother was!
That’s true- no need for my boys to hear that. And really, I don’t know what happened. My concern is more for letting the dad know that not everyone will go on the attack.
That’s a hard circumstance to be in. I’m sorry that the woman doing the yelling wasn’t a bit more compassionate and understanding of the circumstance. Especially when there were so many others around to witness her freak out.
I absolutely agree, Courtney. That must have been SO hard, and compassion was definitely lacking! I know that I have been in uncomfortable situations like that – on both ends of the argument (erm. . . discussion? No, there was yelling. It’s an argument.) and I have also been an observer before. All three positions are difficult, and I can empathize with everyone in this situation.
It’s so hard to walk away from something like that when you have personal experience that could help. But sometimes, it’s the best thing to do. *hugs* Shell!
I think she could have handled it better. I know that mama bear comes out sometimes though. It was just an uncomfortable way to go about it for everyone.
Sure you can (and should) stand up for your own child, but not at the expense of hurting another child and his family. So yeah, I think that lady needs a bitch slap.
I know you think you should have, could have stepped in, but don’t beat yourself up over it. You had your children with you, and their well being at the time was your priority.
True- they didn’t need to be in that lady’s line of fire.
Oh man. I’ve had to tell people that one of our little boys in the neighborhood has autism because they’ll get mad when he plays with sand. He’s about 9 years old and loves to watch the dust settle as he moves the sand around. people get really annoyed with it, for obvious reasons. But once you understand that he has autism, it makes sense. And 9 times out of 10, people will cut him slack. My heart goes out to his mom who fights little battles daily and tries her best to grow her son and help him.
I cannot imagine the sickness you felt when you heard those words. So hurtful. This was such a good reminder for me though, to be patient and gracious even when I cannot comprehend the bigger picture.
It sounds like you already are a compassionate person. 🙂
I understand completely how a mom might feel so overly protective of her daughter if she believes she has been touched inappropriately. However, her response seemed more about punishing and shaming than finding out the whole story. I would think the little girl would have been mortified!
The mom’s day will come. There will be a reckoning where her daughter will do something ridiculous, or mean, or thoughtless, because kids are kids, and this mom will feel the wrath of another totally righteous, in your face mom. If she is fortunate, however, this other mom will show, and perhaps, teach her grace.
I agree that you probably couldn’t have done anything at that moment. But to let the parents/coach know you understand would be priceless. It is always so good to know others stand behind us as we grow ourselves and our families.
What made it even more awkward for me is that I didn’t see what happened. Not that her daughter should ever have to be touched at all if she doesn’t want to, but there’s also a difference between if the little boy had touched her arm or if it had been a more inappropriate touch, you know? Hands off should be the rule, but the freak out level and understanding can be different depending on what had actually happened.
Agreed, Shell.
This post made my heart hurt for all involved. I think you were smart to stay out of it. I’d like to think that I am teaching my child compassion and that yes, sometimes its annoying to have someone “touching” you, but as long as you are safe, we make an exception for people who can’t help it, but then it’s a fine line, because we all also teach our kids that it’s not okay to be touched if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I’d like to think that I’d take an opportunity like you described to teach my children the difference and explain why we are making that exception in this case. That said, if I felt another child was compromising the safety of mine, (and while it sounds as though this mom overreacted, maybe she did truly feel that way) well, I’d like to think I’d handle myself with grace and class, but truthfully I can’t say.
It is a very fine line. And I didn’t see what happened. Total difference between if he had touched her arm or had wanted to hold her hand(which she shouldn’t have to put up with if she didn’t want him to touch her) or if he was making her feel scared.
She just doesn’t get it! Yelling at the coach in front of her child and other parents says more about her than just the words she uttered. (Which were terrible.)
The way she handled it was extreme. Everyone at the field was turned and watching.
Oy vey. That’s a tough one. And you stated it all. She has every right to stand up for her daughter BUT is that the appropriate way. I hope she learned something from that father.
I really doubt she did. She was so angry.
So hard from both perspectives.
Z had a little girl in his class last year who had some sort of problems (I have no idea what her diagnosis was, but it was evident) and she was very touchy feely. I remember his teacher telling me that other teachers made comments to her about keeping the little girl from touching (hugging, kissing) other kids. Heck, at one of the parties she kept trying to touch me in inappropriate places. I would just hold her hands and bring them back down to their sides before she was able to. Very uncomfortable and I can’t imagine if it were my kids she was trying to touch inappropriately. I honestly can’t say the Mama Bear in me wouldn’t come out.
Was the mom wrong yelling that? Yea. Was she wrong feeling it? I don’t know .
And I don’t know what the touch was, either. Not that the little girl should be touched at all if she didn’t want to, but there’s a huge difference in reaction if he was touching her arm or her hand or if he was touching inappropriately.
That is so rough. My son tends to blow off other’s personal space so I can totally see being the mom yelled at. And I can understand the other mom being upset though an angry loud scene for all to hear is just plain horrible. Maybe if the coach and parents worked together they could come up with something to satisfy them all. Why can’t people talk out issues anymore? Why does everyone yell and scream and, in the end, hurt the children. Ugh.
I don’t think their argument solved anything. Definitely something that needed to be discussed, but when there is yelling involved, rarely does any good come out of it.
Autism is definitely a not an excuse, as you stated. I definitely feel that it’s not a “get out of jail free” card. When things like that happen to us though, we step back, try to take a deep breath and calm down. If that that doesn’t work we try to take a break.
The fact that the mom was going to tear into a little boy who had no idea whatsoever that what he may have been doing shows that she may need a lesson in calming down as well.
Absolutely not an excuse. I know you get this.
And really, autism or not, I think the mom should have gone to the parent anyway. I can’t imagine a parent tearing into any of my kids. Come to me.
That’s a tough one. In defense of the mom who was upset, maybe she has sexual abuse issues that she had to deal with so a boy touching her daughter is something that she can’t tolerate no matter what the reasons. Just as she doesn’t understand living with an autistic child..none of us knows the reasons behind her reaction…so we really shouldn’t demonize her.
As a mom with an autistic child who is not high functioning and loves to touch people’s skin on their arms…especially heavy people!..and can make trips to the playground and beach a very embarrassing experience, I have much compassion on the parents of that little boy.
You did the right thing, Shell, in walking away in that moment…it wouldn’t have helped…it probably would have just escalated it all.
It is true that I don’t know her background or really what happened. I’ve said in some comments above that it makes a big difference if he had just touched her arm or if it had been inappropriate. Neither of which should be tolerated if not wanted, but could make a difference in her reaction.
So hard, Shell. I’ve been there too, with Cam. People don’t understand his syndrome and his behaviors. He has no regard for personal space and it makes people uncomfortable. I’ve had that woman screaming at me about my son trying to hold hands with her kid. It’s hard, it’s heartbreaking, it’s uncomfortable and it’s embarrassing. But you know what? It’s also made me stronger. It’s made me dig deep and find a part of myself that I didn’t know existed, the part that says “I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks” and stand up for my son. It was hard in the moment but it made me stronger and a better advocate in the end.
So very hard in the moment. My Bear can be touchy, too. Holding hands or a hug. But I didn’t see what happened, maybe it was a touch of a more inappropriate nature and that’s why she flipped so much. Or maybe it was a touch on the arm and while that shouldn’t be tolerated if she didn’t want it, it would mean she needed to chill just a little.
I’m sorry it’s been weighing on your heart. You will have other opportunities to advocate, and hopefully they don’t always involve an irrational screamer. Because, yes, she has the right to stand up for her daughter but that shouldn’t mean hurting another child or another family, especially not at such a young age 🙁
My concern is more with the dad and wishing I could have let him know he wasn’t alone. I don’t think the mom would have listened to anything I had to say.
Sounds like that lady got a bug up her ass and took it out on one kid & his parents and she was in the wrong. I think that she needs to learn a bit of compassion, understanding, and tolerance.
I agree!
Oh God. I was right there with you on this one. Actually tearing up here. It so could have been my son too. And everything you said is spot on. That mom has no idea how hurtful she’s behaving. Empathy. Empathy. Empathy.
I think it makes us much more empathetic when we’ve been on the other side of this, when we know how hard it can be.
Even though I am notoriously bad at keeping my mouth shut, it happens to the best of us. Sometimes, we’re so caught up in our own battles, we somehow don’t step up to fight with another. I doubt that you would have changed that mother’s opinion but it may have backed up the coach. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t. Do, if you get the chance, meet that child’s parent and tell them that you get it. Finding a network of parents living through what you are is the absolute most valuable tool in the arsenal of parents with special needs. If you already have one, maybe you can help that parent find one too. If not, it may become your base. That’s the whole premise behind Modified Mamas. Love to you Shell!!! Take care:)
Oh Shell. This made me tear up. I hate when I don’t do something that maybe I should have. This is such a tough situation. I can understand why you walked away. It was, after all, not your concern. But I also love your heart and how the next time you see those parents or that coach, you can offer support in a way that will be real and relevant and valuable to them.
This post made my heart hurt. While I agree that autism isn’t a “get out of jail free card”, I think this woman was completely out of line. If it bothered her this much she should have addressed the matter in private and with some discretion. She is the one that obviously has a problem with boundaries and also compassion. What kind of example is she showing to her own children.
there is a reason so many people adore you Shell, it is posts like this. It is the knowlege that you are human just the rest of us, with you own flaws and guilt about what you “should have done” and you share it with us, letting us sit in that spot and know that we’ve all done it.
I might not have done it wiht autism, but I do it with infertility, sometimes when i don’t know how much of the backstory I know, or how long a couple has been trying, what they’ve done to build their family or I do it (keeping silent) when the person talking has absolutely no idea what they are saying that is hurting and I knw that instead of trying to get them to understand , it’s a fruitless battle. So I shut my (VERY BIG) mouth and just hope that someone somewhere else can give them the answers or the talking to that I didn’t.
I know that it hurt you to walk away from that confrontation…to not stand up for the cause you hold so dear, but there will be other times, there will be more of them and your voice will be needed, just like it was here.
love you. xo
So often I see something happen and I want to go offer a reassuring word to a parent… and then I don’t. I don’t always know what keeps me silent but I regret if afterwards. But even just by writing this today, you are offering support. I hope the coach reads this and knows he is not alone.
Sadly, you’re right, you probably did the “best” thing for you and yours and the whole situation at the time. But keeping an eye out and knowing what’s happening down the line will be a good thing. This way you can back those parents up and help educate someone who obviously doesn’t get it. (hugs) I’m sorry this left you so heavy-hearted.
This is really tough. I think getting your kids out of there was the first, and most important thing you needed to do. It sounds like that woman was ready to escalate her behavior, and your kids don’t need to see that.
Maybe the next time you play that team, you can seek out the dad and just go be friendly to him. I’m sure he would appreciate support any day of the week (especially if his kid is still on the team with her kid – eek).
I’m glad you weren’t punched but I bet it was very hard to keep going and not saying anything!
What a difficult situation. It’s always hard knowing when to step in, or stay out. Maybe at a later time, you can talk to the dad, in a quieter moment. I think society is becoming more aware of autism and maybe over time, we’ll be more tolerant of difficulties that come with that.
Man, Shell, how do you decide every single time if you’re going to step in and say something? I can’t even imagine. I honestly think that once the mom found out the child had autism, she should’ve eaten some humble pie. You’re right, we can’t excuse every single behavior, but once you have all the information, then you can step back and see the picture for what it really is. I hope that mom, when she cooled off, felt a little more than embarrassed by her behavior!
It’s easy to look back and say “I should’ve intervened.” You probably wouldn’t have been able to do much.
Oh shell, you did he right thing. Your boys could have gotten caught up in the commotion. I know it doesn’t make it any easier to walk away, but it done now. Maybe you can offer the boys parents some encouragement on another day.
Yeah, that is so, so tough. It makes it especially hard when our perceptions are colored by our own experiences. I mean, really you don’t know what was happening or how long it had been going on or what the touching involved… so many different levels of things could have been happening. That mom on any other day could be the biggest support of non-typical kids there is, but then day maybe it was just the end of her rope. That’s what I hope at least. I hope they were able to work out some kind of resolution that benefited everyone and that they were all able to learn from the experience.
That is so hard, for both parents. But I can’t believe the lady yelled that out loud, even if she was thinking it. I guess she was clearly worked up and hopefully regretted saying that later.
It must have been so tough to listen to that ignorant woman. Remember though that there’s no reasoning with fuming mad ignorant people.. Hopefully one day someone will have the chance to explain to her how ignorant she really was and she’ll change.
I think you did the right thing especially with not knowing the whole story. If you were walking right by them when she said it I think that would change things. But, for you to stomp back to her from a distance, I don’t think you would have added any positive to the situation and probably would have been punched. You are doing what you need to be doing and raising awareness. The more people know about the situations and struggles that come along, the better we hope they would handle situations.
I love that you stayed out of it. It wasn’t your fight and I’m guessing you would have been more worked up if you had made it yours by getting in there with these people. Sometimes, not getting involved is the harder path. Instead you chose to educate and awe all of us through this post – beautifully written with passion and strength to spare. Thank you.
while the mom yelling at the coach was probably a total over reaction, it is not clear how long the behavior has been going on. giving all people involved the benefit of the doubt might be more appropriate….has the boys behavior been happening at every practice? every game? at various events? how many times has the little girls mom spoken to the coach or parents? while i empathize for the boy that is autistic, i also feel that there has to be a balance….expecting children to tolerate being touched and most likely provoked is not realistic either.
That’s a very valid point. Not knowing what really happened is what made me stay out of it. I still don’t think that it’s call for her to say what she did, but like I said, she had every right to stand up for her daughter. The method is what was really the issue.
There are a million better ways that woman could have handled that situation. She wasn’t really handling it in a way for you to do anything other than get your boys away from it. I know it weighs heavy on your heart but really, you did what you had to at the time. She doesn’t sound like a woman that would have listened to reason.
Im so sorry you overheard that and you are a bigger person than I am for resisting the urge to get in on that conversation. *HUGS*
Oh Sweetie…that is a tough one. I can imagine your hurt and heavy heart. I’m sorry you had to hear that.
Oh Shell…I have been here. Actually I have been the parent who has been yelled at, because the other person doesn’t care my kid has autism. That other person was a close friend. It’s such a tough situation to deal with. We are caught between a rock & a hardplace. ALL. THE. TIME. Shame on that woman who didn’t care enough to give a child the courtesy. I hope one day she regrets those words.
To get involved or not to get involved – good question. I’ve walked away without saying anything and regretted it. I’ve also gotten involved and regretted it. It’s so hard to know which move is the right one. I tend to err on the side of silence – mainly because I’m not a huge fan of confrontation. I’m much more likely to speak up after the fact with an attempt at encouragement. The uncertainty of “did I do the right thing” can plague me for hours afterward though.
My heart broke as I read this post. While I do not have a child with autism, in my earlier years in childcare I have worked with children with autism and understand the love, support, and patience they need. I think most times the attack that people launch comes not only to hurt the child but the parent too. This mother was selfish and ignorant, with a heart made of stone. I can understand her need to protect her child, but what happened to teaching our children about tolerance and diversity, and embracing others.
I have a child with ADHD and she is so sweet, compassionate, and brilliant. But sometimes she can be a whirlwind, with a temper from hell. Every member of my family proudly boasts X-Men characters as our nicknames, she has been affectionately nicknamed “Storm.” 🙂 But I cannot blame her, I’m Jean Grey on a good day and Phoenix on lesser days.
You shouldn’t bash yourself for not saying anything, it may have made a bad situation worse. I’m sure if another opportunity opens up for you to speak up you will be right there; however, it’s always best to go with our first instincts. I honestly do not see how your interference could have helped. She was determined to hold that negative energy regardless of what anyone did or said. Just keep being the best that you can be for your family…after all my husband always reminds me that we’re role models whether we like it or not. The results from your confronting her could have turned out disastrous. It’s enough to know in some shape or form you will be there when it truly matters.
Wow, I know that was a hard one. I know I’ve told you a million times, but you have the best, captivating writing for story-telling.
Oh Shell, two stories. There are always two stories at play, aren’t there?
One step at a time, is all we can do, all we can be accountable for.
(Brave, important post, with so, so very much heart. As always.)
xo
It’s hard to not get involved when it’s something so delicate as this. I have not yet to experience an incident like this but I can imagine how hard it must have been. I pray no one ever react’s this way to my daughter and I have no guarantee how I would react but I pray that I won’t have to experience this.