Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Pour Your Heart Out: I Drug My Child

Now, I don’t actually go around saying “I drug my child.”

And it’s not the way that I think of it.

I prefer to think of it as giving my child what he needs to be able to function. Or thinking of it as giving my child a prescription that is closely monitored by his doctor.

In fact, I agonized over the decision as to whether or not I should put my middle son on any sort of medication for his ADHD. Because don’t you hear all the time that kids are over(or mis-)diagnosed with ADHD when really, they just need to learn to behave? And that too many kids are given drugs they don’t need.

But our son truly does have ADHD: we’ve gone through extensive testing and observation. I have no doubt that he has ADHD. ADHD is a spectrum with some people being affected a little and some a lot: my son is on the A LOT end of that spectrum(I’ve said before that he has holy shit ADHD). He also has PDD-NOS, which is an autism spectrum disorder.

He’s been on medication for his ADHD for a year now and this is our experience: it has been life-changing for him.

It hasn’t turned him into a zombie like I’ve heard some people complain about.

Has it changed his personality? Sort of. I like to think of it as letting his true personality shine through. Letting other people see the sweet and funny kid that I knew was there all along, the one that I could still see even without the medication, but that was hard for others to see.

The medication has helped with his impulsivity.  He’s better able to control his actions and think before he reacts- this has made a world of difference.  He doesn’t just react. He’s not as loud. He doesn’t respond to situations by hitting or screaming or melting down because he’s able to think his actions through. He can also focus on the task at hand. I guess you can say that his personality did change with the meds- but if we weren’t seeing any sort of difference in his ADHD behaviors, then wouldn’t it be fair to say the meds weren’t doing their job? But they are, so yes, there are some differences. Good differences.

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His classmates and teammates have noticed a difference. The librarian at school stopped me one day to tell me how good and sweet he is this year and how big of an improvement it is over last year. His brothers can even tell when he hasn’t been given his pill. And of course, as his mom, I definitely notice a difference.

When we had his last IEP meeting, it was a totally different experience as well. Gone were the behavior goals. And he was on or even above grade level in all areas except one, instead of being behind in all. While he’s had an amazing team of teachers helping him over the past year and they deserve a lot of the credit, I don’t think this much progress would have happened without the ADHD medication.

I don’t go around telling everyone who comes into contact with my son that he is on medication. They don’t need to know, really.

And I hate the judgment. Because when it does come up, I hear criticisms.

  • “Oh, I’d never drug my child.” I’ve heard that one so much that I had to give it a hat tip in this post’s title.
  • “My child has ADHD and he doesn’t need medication.” That’s awesome! Maybe yours doesn’t have it to the extent my child does. Or maybe you’ve found something else that works. I’m not telling you to put your child on meds, don’t tell me to take mine off.
  • “Have you tried (insert alternative treatment here)?” No. Again- if they work for you, great! But this is working for my child and as long as he’s being monitored by his doctor, I’m happy with staying on this course.

It’s just another example of the different choices we have to make for our families. I won’t sit here and tell you that if your child has ADHD, they should be on medication. Absolutely not- that’s something you need to discuss with your child’s doctor and decide for yourselves. But this is what we’ve found works in our family and whatever someone else has to say about it isn’t going to make us do something different.

Last Week’s Faves

Thanks to everyone who links up for Pour Your Heart Out. I’m highlighting three posts from the previous week(dang, y’all made it super hard to pick!) and I hope you take the time to check them out, along with visiting some of this week’s linkers.

  • Am I Creating an Anxious Daughter? from Carolyn at Hooked and Happy. As a mom who is trying hard not to yell but often failing miserably, this post hit home.
  • You are Beautiful from Chris at The Mom Café. Feeling a little down? Need a little reminder that you are amazing? Go read this.
  • Known Unknowns from Lea at Becoming SuperMommy. Lea is one of my all-time favorite writers. She always manages to put so much heart into her posts and this is a perfect example.

Join in Pour Your Heart Out

pour your heart outClick if you want to find out more about Pour Your Heart Out. Remember, it’s about what you want to pour out: it’s personal, so there isn’t an assigned topic. It’s also about being supportive of others who are sharing: so visit other linkers and be kind with your comments. Linking up? (or even if you are just here to visit) Please visit at least two of the linkers and show them some support in the form of a comment or a share!



Comments

  1. I’m sorry you’ve heard judgments and harsh words about your decision, but I am so very happy that you’ve found something that works for you and your guy, and consequently your whole family. The part about everyone getting to see the sweet boy you always knew was there? That’s my favorite 🙂

  2. I would never judge a parent for making the decision you and your family made, for your son. As you said, it works. It’s allowing him to be the person he’s supposed to be, and no one can fault that. I think it’s awesome that you’re standing strong on this, and speaking up. 

    • I’m so very tired of seeing the judgment when a mom talks about medicating. The ADHD “support” boards are the worst.

  4. I’m so glad that more people are able to see the sweet boy you have.  I’m also glad to see you stand your ground by saying what you do for your family does not have to be what others should do with theirs. Too many times other parents are quick to suggest what you should do to and for you child without realizing it’s insulting and rude. Or they just don’t care.

    • It always shocks me when someone thinks that just because something works for their family, it should work for all. I can’t even do the same thing for all three of my own kids, so I don’t see how I could say something is best for all the kids in the world(except for oversimplified things like “kids need to be fed”).

  5. I try never to judge the decisions someone else makes for their family, I say try because sometimes I do. But I try to think about if that situation was me, how would I feel differently? I think that it’s awesome that your son is doing so much better. Kudos to you for doing the right thing for your family!

    • I think it’s natural that sometimes we have those gut reactions and think “Oh, I wouldn’t do THAT.” Whatever the “that” is. But it’s one thing to think it and something totally different to actually voice that opinion.

  6. I think all of us that are parents just make the best decisions we can for the most positive results for our children. It is your choice……you shouldn’t be judged for it.

  7. I have seen children act like zombies on the medication, but mostly I’ve seen kids improve in many areas. You have to do what you feel is right for your child and family, not what other people think! If I were in the same situation, I would definitely try medication.

    • I’ve never seen it, though I have heard parents describe their own kids that way and then they change medications.

      I really didn’t have a strong opinion on meds/no meds until we were in the situation.

  8. Honestly, I’m more likely to judge a parent who doesn’t or who says they never would, than one who does, only because I’ve seen it help so many children be successful. I’m not a proponent of going straight to medication. There are so many things that can be tried first; diet, behavior mods, etc. As an educator, I’ve been the first to say when I think it’s NOT working. I also think that people tend to think it’s a magic pill and don’t give it a chance. There are learned behaviors that need to be unlearned and that doesn’t happen overnight. But correctly prescribed medication gives a child the ability to control and unlearn things where without it, they couldn’t!

    • With my picky eater, what he does eat is pretty healthy and some of the foods suggested were just never going to happen.

      When I was teaching, there was this one mom who was so opposed to meds. And then for the second half of the year, she changed her mind and put her child on them. Remembering the complete transformation that child had in my classroom afterwards is what made me willing to try them for my own son.

      • Obviously, though you considered all angles and made the choice that you thought was best for your son. You knew the diet wouldn’t work, so you went on to the next step.

        Of course, all parents are making the choice they think is best, but when people make blanket statements about “never” trying something, it rubs me the wrong way, because what if that “thing” is the best answer for your child. KWIM?

  9. The one thing having children has taught me is that you cannot ever know what you would do until you are in that same position.  As a Mum we have instinct as our greatest asset and no one else can possibly know what is best for your child than you.

    • It’s really hard to know until you’re in the situation. And even similar situations aren’t all exactly the same. I figure unless it actually affects my child, it’s not my business.

  10. I am so glad you have found something that helps him!! He is an amazingly sweet boy and now the whole world can see that too! Xoxo

  11. Other people are never going to agree with every parenting choice you make. But since it’s not their family, it’s not their choice. You do what YOU think is best. And it sure sounds like your little guy is thriving. 🙂 Whoo-hoo!

  12. I am so glad to hear the medication has helped him, but I’m sorry you have felt judged by others’ reactions to your decision. I may not know much, but one thing I’ve learned from my 4 short years as a parent is that what works for one child may not work for mine and not to judge. Keep your chin up: you’re doing what’s best for him!

  13. I’m glad that you found a medicine to help him.  It stinks how much people judge others, I just wish people could be nice.  You are doing what’s best for your kid, not someone else’s!

  14. My mother taught first grade for over 20 years, so she worked with a lot of kids going on meds for the first time. When a parent was reluctant to put a child on ADHD meds, she always said, “If he had diabetes, you would give him insulin, right?” ADHD is no different, yet somehow, parents seem to think it is their fault. Using a drug seems to be saying PARENT FAILURE when in reality, it is a tool to help your child just like any other medication. 
    The other thing my mom always said, “You can tell the kids who needed it and those who didn’t really quickly,” because the change would be so profoundly good for the kids who needed it. 
    I am glad you found the right help.

    • My son’s first kindergarten teacher said the same thing about the insulin. It really made me think.

      My son definitely needs it. I realized how well it was working when the 6 y/os on his soccer team pointed out a difference.

  15. People can be so very rude about health issues. I, personally, think it is inappropriate to give any sort of health advice unless specifically asked. I trust that your doctor is much more of an authority than I will ever be, and as a good mom (which you totally are!) you are making the best choice for your child. I’m glad this treatment is working so well for your son and your whole family. That is a precious blessing.

    • I don’t know why everyone thinks they are an expert, just b/c something worked for their child. Or worse, because of something they read or heard about.

  16. I can understand why you don’t go around telling people that your son is on meds. It always amazes me how some people react to these things. I’m a firm believer in doing what works for you and your family – there is no one size fits all for many situations. I’m glad this is working for you and your son. Isn’t that what’s most important – that he’s thriving?

  17. You know my daughter has ADHD too. It was first brought up in K, but we thought, it’s only K, let’s wait and see how 1st grade goes. It was brought up again and we agreed to have her evaluated. Also, right about that age is when the symptoms become most obvious. So she was officially diagnosed at 6 1/2. We tried 2 stimulants with terrible results. She was fine until they wore off, when she would have violent meltdowns. So we took her off them and took a step back. Put her on another ADHD med that is not a stimulant for about a year and half. That’s when school sarted getting harder (3rd grade). We took her to an ADHD specialist because her pediatrician wanted a second opinion. The specialist thought we should try another stimulant and we did. It has been the best thing for her so far. She is 13 now and we’ve had to adjust the dosage over the years as she grows. It’s a 100% fix. I’d say about 85%. But it helps  her, so we stick with it. If we see a need to change it up again somewhere down the line, we will. Whatever works best for HER. All the judgypants people can….well you know!

  18. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to face that kind of judgment, especially when you are just doing the best you can for your child. YOUR child. Not their child. I wish people thought more about being in someone else’s shoes before they judged so harshly. Need to go read Hooked and Happy’s post, but I am a little afraid it might hit too close to home for me, too…probably why I should read it.-Ashley

    • Exactly- I don’t get how it affects someone else’s child so those parents really shouldn’t have a say.

  19. I hate judgement of any kind, especially the ones that judge our decisions for our children. I am so sorry you have to endure such idiocy and selfishness from others. Medicine can be the very BEST alternative and your sweet son proves it.
    I am just so glad he is doing so well, Shell. Lets all focus on THAT, shall we? Forget the others… let them use their energy in a wasteland of judgement, far far away from our hearts. Be protected as best you can.
    Thank you SO much for the lovely shout out, Shell. I hope everyone can read it- and truly be blessed.
    (I am not sure I should link my post up today, It’s personal and I feel selfish adding it here. )

    • It is so amazing how much progress my son has made. That’s why it’s easy to overlook any criticism.

      Keeping you in my prayers, girl. xo

  20. You know, people can just plain suck sometimes. There is no one who can understand what another child, another mom, goes through completely- everyone is different. I have seen how much you have gone through, how many things you have tried, and the toll it took on everyone. It makes me so happy every day to hear all of the positive changes and know how far you guys have come. The fact that you are willing to do anything and everything if it will help your child just shows how amazing you are. You are one of the best moms I’ve ever known and people can just shove it. xo. 

    • You had to hear so much of the things we went through. It was such a huge weight off when he started meds and they worked.

  21. Most people don’t know, but my Ryan has “a little” ADD. Evident from Pre-K – 1st grade, we asked the pediatrician to prescribe something. We got a bit of push-back from our friends because he wasn’t as “bad” as other kids with “more” ADHD and we didn’t’ really try any behavior modification first. The fact remained that he was fidgety, handsy, would blurt out and frankly COULD NOT focus on anything and his school work was going unfinished. My thought was that if there was something that could be done at school the teachers would already be trying it. This year his teacher said that she has many techniques that she uses for kids to help them “cope” if we decided to take him off the pill. I don’t want my kid to “cope,” I want him to remain a straight A student in a gifted class. “Coping” insinuates that there is a struggle. With the pill the struggle is mostly gone.

    • Exactly. I don’t want mine to cope and struggle if he doesn’t have to. My little guy is actually quite smart, but until he was on the medication, he wasn’t able to actually show that in school. We had a conference yesterday and found out that even though we’re less than a quarter of the way through the year, he’s almost met the end of year benchmarks for 3 of the 4 major areas. I truly believe he would not be there without medication.

  22. I hate all the judgement. If your kid was a diabetic, you wouldn’t deny them insulin if diet changes weren’t working- so why would you withhold ADHD meds if that’s what your kid needs? (or antidepressants, or anything else that comes with a stigma)

  23. I hate how judgmental people are. I am glad it has made such a difference for your son. In the long run, that’s all that matters anyway.

  24. I would never judge you for medicating your child. If its what the doctor and you think is the best who is anyone else to tell you otherwise?! No one understand your situation as uniquely as you. I have to say I recently read a post on Scary Mommy about ADHD and it really opened my eyes that I was likely that mom who would have rolled her eyes at a misbehaving child and wondered what the parents were doing wrong and I am so sorry for that. 

    • Having a child with special needs has really made me so much less judgmental because I’ve learned that it’s not as simple as telling my child no or to stop. I wish it were that easy.

  25. You make the decisions that are best for your family and let them make theirs. It sounds like the medication is helping and isn’t that really all that matters.

  26. Oh Shell…I so needed to read this! You have no idea how I have my agonizing post in drafts. Should I or shouldn’t I? Thank you for your words, for always pouring your heart out and speaking the truth! xo 

    • It was a long time coming for us. I heard so much negative. But once we tried it for my son, it was such a big, drastic change that I was kicking myself for not trying it earlier. Not that everyone has the same positive experience that we had, but since we have, I like to put that out there, so there’s a different voice, other than the ones that are anti-meds.
      You can always email me if you want to talk more about it privately. xo

  28. Everyone has to do what’s best for their family…and this is what is BEST for him.  I’m so glad it has helped so much and that everyone can enjoy your little guy for the great boy he is!

    • It really has been such a big change. He notices it, too. When we don’t give him his medication, he notices.

  29. I think each Mom knows their child and knows what s/he needs. I’m glad medication has helped your son! And that his true personality is shinning through!
    And thanks for featuring me!

    • All kids are different, so I’m always skeptical of any sweeping generalizations. Unless it’s something like all kids need to eat. 😉

  30. I have often heard the judgments. I work with many clients who require meds for their brain injuries and many people judge them. My son was tested last year for ADHD and before even being tested, people were saying things like, “I hope you don’t drug him up”. I think of it as saying to a parent of a diabetic child,  “I hope you don’t give insulin to your kid. Just control their diet”. Really? Because that works for everyone? I don’t think so. Thank Goodness for the drugs that really do change people’s lives. I’m so glad that you are mother of YOUR son. He needs you and he needs your strong advocacy.

    • I just don’t understand why people feel the need to make comments like that when they have no experience with the medications. Or with my son.

  31. See, here’s the thing, you aren’t using it flippantly.  You care about your son’s well being and know that this is something he benefits from and you do it for the right reasons.  If people cannot see that well, you know… forget ’em!

  32. You’re such a wonderful mom to know what he needs to function best in this world. My nephew has ADHD (and my sister has ADD) and I’ve seen big changes in him with various medications. Taking a drug to help their minds work more effectively isn’t any different than taking one to help their bodies work more effectively.

    • That’s what one of my son’s teachers talked to me about. That I wouldn’t hesitate if it were a physical thing.

  33. We medicate my niece Molly and it has made a world of difference, but even after 2 years on the medication we still get comments from people, especially members of my family. I chuckled when you said that his brothers notice when he hasn’t taken his pill…on days when she’s having a tough day, my boys will comment, “has Molly had her pill?” Most importatly SHE notices and comments how it helps her. I’m not sure what our long term plan is with handling her ADHD, but for now this is what is working for us. I’m really glad you found something that works for you guys too.

    • We had our son skip a day this weekend. And he noticed and was so incredibly upset. His brothers were upset- it turned our whole house upside down.

  34. My oldest daughter has ocd, adhd with impulsitivity, spd, and delayed development.

    We contacted child find at 3-4 in pre school. At 4-5 she was on an iep and in school. She was expelled after a nun assaulted her. 4 other schools gave her the distinction os “weired,” “different,” “too special,” and my fav “needing to have the deamon beat out of her.” So we went public. It saved her.

    It took us MONTHS to go through testing and dx procedures with a developmental pediatric psychologist and neuro psychologist. 4 months with the first and 6 months with the second. As my daughter lacks a medical dx (no brain damage), finding doctors to test and care for here were hard and getting insurance to pay the $3,000-$5,000 for the tests was an epic battle.

    We fought meds. We tried it ALL. I used to work with special ed kids for a living. It didn’t work. My daughter ended up self-harming. No parent should find their child in a panic slammin her head off a wall screaming that she wants to die because she’s a freak and no one likes her. I puked.

    So we tried medication. It’s been a long road, but she hasn’t self-harmed since we found the right med at the right dose. We still go to therapy, we go to many different therapies, but the meds enable the therapy to work.

    I drug my kid, I give her coffee and cola, we go to therapy, and e celebrate success. If my kiddo had diabetes, no one would question insulin. Well I can tell you, her adhd/ocs/dd/spd were ALL hindering normal growth and development.

    18months into meds and my girl has friends. She’s still her and I’m 100% happy she is still her and has friends.

    So I’ll gladly join you in the proud to drug my kid and everyone else can stfu club. We have the best brownies.

    • BROWNIES! Yes, we have the best ones. 🙂

      I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. My son was kicked out of a Christian school- we never heard that he needed a demon beat out of him, but that was implied. He’s doing so much better in a public school and on meds.

      I’m with you- it’s been a huge change and I just don’t get why people who aren’t in our situations think they can judge.

    • I had to stop reading the comments on your post because they were getting me all riled up. There isn’t any one-solution-fits-all, but wow, will people ever argue that their way is the right way.

      Now, I’ll defend that what we do is the right thing for our own child, but not for anyone else’s.

  36. A good mom just wants what is best for her child and it sounds like you made the right choice.  I have a co-worker who has ADHD and the difference between when he takes his meds and when he doesn’t is like night and day.  I think it is something others don’t really understand unless they’ve experienced it.

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