I was walking around outside yesterday afternoon barefoot.
Yes, in February. It was a beautiful day here in Eastern Carolina.
I’ve never been a fan of the cold weather. Ever. I always wanted to move somewhere warm. And now, I’m here. I’ve spent approximately 8 of the 12 years since college graduation here…though not in a row.
And yet, more often than not, I feel like I don’t belong here.
We live in a town where everyone is either military or local. We’re not military. Hubs is a local, but I am not. I can’t relate to the military wives when they are talking about their husbands deploying for 6 months or a year: I don’t even like when Hubs has to go out of town for a day or two. And I can’t follow the conversations about the people that Hubs and his friends all know from back in high school.
But, this is where Hubs needs to be. His family is here, his friends are here, and his job is here. This is his home and I am his wife: therefore, this is where I am. He fits, it’s his home. And me? I’m not even Shell, I’m just J’s wife.
I don’t know where I’d chose to be if the choice were entirely up to me, anyway. I miss my family and my friends from back home, but I hate the weather and the family drama gets old quick. Though, having friends that I could go out with is something that I do miss. Having people who can see me for me, I miss.
My husband and my kids: they will always come first to me. But, there are times when I long for something more.
I’ve written a little bit about this before, if you want to check out A Glass of Identity. Though, Ash at Shades of Blue and Gray wrote a story last week where a line from it about the character just being the wife of another character really hit me and made me think about these things again. She’s a fabulous writer and you should go read her.
OH how I know that feeling and I grew up in the town I live in now. I am still Gene's wife, Dolly's daughter, De and Di's sister. Never just Angel
It is such a strange feeling to not quite feel like you fit somewhere and to always wait for it to happen, I hope it does, piece by piece for you.
The Red Dress Club led me to the talented Ash at Shades. Love her.
I know that feeling. I've been there. It's tough and sometimes it can be awfully lonely.
I've got a great solution, come down here! The weather's tropical. We've got the beaches. And I have wine and 3 girls of babysitting age. And I will always make you feel you belong.
And Ash? Oh, I love her. That's it.
I soooo understand this!!! I don't feel at home here in CT either. Everytime I cross the border into MA thought I feel a sense of ease wash over me. It's funny how some places speak to us and others don't.
Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma, What's For Dinner
http://www.mawhats4dinner.com
I have never had a place where I felt I "belong". I was a military brat through 19. Even though I had a stint where I lived 10 years in one location after we married, I still never felt as I "belonged". It gets very lonely.
I am not a mommy- but I know what you mean about not belonging in my current neighborhood . . .
I am 100% completely a city girl – and my hubby and I moved 2 a rural area where I definately stand out in my flashy shoes! I'm not going to change though . . . and Im not going to move+ or suggest it. . . because you're right, we are wives and that's what we do . . .
I have learned to love South Carolina, but Virginia will always be home. It is where so much history of my life was experienced.
That is probably how your hubby felt here.
Missing you bunches! I was just thinking yesterday how long it has been since you moved away and couldn't believe it. =(
It's always hard being away from the places we know.
I have a feeling soon you will feel like you belong, you have a great personality Shell!
Big HUGS to you!
I know how you feel. We live about 3 hours from were were me and my husband grew up. I am a really shy person so it is hard for me to make friends. I really miss having that here. I really don't have anyone close by that I do fun stuff with. My best friend lives 3 hours away. I see her a few times a year.
Sending you hugs.
I think I've said this before, but I know exactly how you feel. Even with my parents only 15 minutes away now (they moved closer to us in 2007), I still don't feel like I'm home.
I know that feeling. I felt like that when I lived far from home (back when I was married).
If I could live where I could walk around barefoot in February, I would do it in a heartbeat, but the burgh would always be my home.
I've lived in the same part of town all my life and I still don't always feel like I fit in.
We have so much in common, when we finally do get to meet it's going to be like talking to a sister!
I feel the same way about where we currently live. Early last summer, I blogged about it: what and where is home anymore? I know where it is in my heart,, but it's not in God's plan for us to be there right now. It can be very lonely to be in place that doesn't feel like home. Thank God for blogging, right? 🙂
I feel like that a lot and I have lived in this town for a VERY long time!
I feel like that in my husband's family. Like I almost don't exist outside of being David's wife.
I'm sorry it doesn't have that "home" feel for you. And being known as "J's wife" cannot be a good feeling either.
In my town, just about everyone knows my family, but they don't know me. I'm just Sam's Daughter…kinda crappy. I understand how you feel.
My Brother is at Camp Lejeune and he comes home a lot on the weekends, mainly because there's not that much to do in Jacksonville…and I guess because he doesn't really know anyone. Although, if I weren't married…I wouldn't mind living in a military town 🙂
I completely believe in imprinting. No matter where you roam, even if you're "home," your soul knows where your due north truly is.
It's why I want to cry with happiness as we travel east out of Texas towards northern Florida, why I want to embrace the first magnolia trees of Louisiana and roll around in the kudzu that shows up in Alabama.
This is how my sons feel about Texas, so here I will stay, but even after 20 years, it's not really home
Enjoy that beach for me 🙂
(btw – totally not whiny. XO.)
I have a good friend who is in a similar situation. They moved here because it was what her husband wanted. She never felt like she had a choice or a voice in the decision. She supported her husband but if there could have been something in her control, if she had felt like she was being heard somehow… I think she wouldn't have spent the last decade feeling pangs of regret, dreaming of moving "back home," and refusing to incorporate herself into any sort of real community here. We work together. It makes me sad and frustrated for her. At some point, she has to wake up and take control of life and where she is and not just continue to lay down and "play victim."
Anywho.
This is so heart breaking. I can relate. My family relocated to Colorado for six years where my husband's family and friends lived and I felt like the outcast. I never did get comfortable. Luckily we moved back to Florida after that 6 year bump in the road. We're still not where we're supposed to be but slowly, we'll make it. And you will too!
It must be an isolating feeling at times, I can imagine. My hubby would love to move back to the town he grew up in, which is only 90 minutes from where we live now, but there's NO way I want to be that close to my IL's!! I do feel badly for Tim though as I know it must be hard living in a town where your closest friends are hours away.
Thanks for linking up my PYHO post!!! I was just about to do that when I noticed you had done it for me!!
I know what you mean about feeling like you don't belong. I only live one town away from where I grew up, but I feel like I don't know anyone. I always thought that as the kids got older, I would connect with other moms from school but that has never happened. Now, since my BFF moved 5 hours away, I feel completely disconnected.
I always long for the day where I can be someplace warm and not deal with the crappy weather in Ohio, but I couldn't just move away from it all. My life is here and I couldn't be away from my family. I know it will probably happen one day because of the hubs' job but I just don't want to think about it actually happening.
I am sure that you have friends Shell. Although I can't even imagine only being known as Dave's wife. It would drive me batty. You are an amazing person. Does J know how you feel?
That is why I can't move. My husband has moved and lived all over (although he lived here for most of his childhood). His family is spread out (mom in FL, sister in GA, etc.). Heck, even my own family have moved away, but not too far. And I still stay.
I guess my roots are firmly planted and even though I can't stand the winter weather (I live about an hour south of Jules and from where you lived), I still couldn't bring myself to leave.
I guess one day, depending on where my children end up, I may move. I have an aunt the spends half the time here (summer, of course) and half the time in NC. Works for her.
It must be hard being so far away from "home". But I too, would love to be barefoot in Feb! That would be pure bliss!
that must be really tough for you shell! ((hugs)) I hope you can find ur place soon babe!
Ugh.. that's tough!!
I know where I belong too – and I'll never get to live there 🙁 *sigh*
When I was a military wife I couldn't relate to those women either. They are a different breed.
🙁 Ugh. That's pretty much all I got. I dunno what to say.
This would really stink. Sending hugs your way! DH is blessed to have you! 🙂
it does hurt to know that you don't really FIT where you are doesnt' it? I am sorry that you feel that…because you are a spirit that I hate to see "tamed" ..while I admire your love of your family (obviously) I also know that by not being "Shell" you are missing something more than old friends.
I just hope that by writing about it, it helps to make it hurt a little less. Your family is so lucky to have you, and barefoot in Feb isn't so bad. 😉
HUGS my friend.
I think no matter where you are – YOU ARE SHELL – having met you now I can see both the butterfly that longs to take wing – and the mama bird that keeps a close eye on the nest – and has her heart there.
God Bless you wherever you are Shell – and hubs – and your lucky kids.
I use to feel at home here in MD since I grew up here my whole life but those 3 years up in PA felt a lot more like home to me.
What a tough way to feel.
I have lived in the same town for my whole life, and I sometimes feel the same way. THough my friends and my family are here, no one sees me for the person I have become, they all see me as the girl I once was.
I feel like I am stuck being who everyone wants me to be, instead of being the me that I actually am.
We stay here because my husband's job is here, his band is here and he is really happy here. I am not necessarily unhappy, I just sometimes wish we could experience something new, or that the people I know would let me be me.
I imagine that would be hard.
You want to hear something strange? I feel like a fish out of water and I live where I grew up. I keep thinking if I lived where it's warmer and there was water nearby then I would find my home because when I visit places like that, my body feels more at peace. I bet if I moved though, I would still feel out of place. Maybe that never having a feeling of where home is, is God's way of reminding me that no matter where I go on Earth, it's temporary because my home is really in heaven.
There is just no place like home. I always think how nice it would be if I got to go live in Cali for Florida where the weather is nice year round. But then I remember the times when I DID have the chance to live in other places for a while. I always felt homesick in a way.
I oddly DO belong where I am, but I do miss home a lot. Southern Calfornia is a long, long, long way from the canopy roads of North Florida. My husband's family is here and mine is there. I went through a lot of days just like yours. I admire how you captured it here, though and hope you can find something soon that makes you feel like you're in the right place.
I get this, but in a different way. I grew up here, but I don't want to live here. But I know this is the best place for my kids (even though most of my family has moved away) so we stay.
I think it's this town! I've lived here 8 years and I don't feel like I fit either. I know a lot of it for me is the fact we live off base & we're military- so we never do stuff with military people.
We should make our own club for misfits.
I feel ya sister. My hubby and I started off in my area, but we moved a few times and ended up in his hometown. It is a small town full of gossip and everyone knows everyone's business. I don't really know people, but they all know "my family". I am ____'s wife; _____'s daughter in law; ______'s sister in law. It is annoying. I don't fit in at all. But it is very pretty here, you just have to make it through the gray winters.
What's weird for me is I found my home away from home. I never thought it would happen for me, but it did. I think in a way I made myself find my place through church at first, then branched out from there. I hope eventually you find your place, Shell… in the meantime you have all of us.
You know sometimes I feel that way too. I'm wife and mom…that's my identity. Hubby is very well known where we live…so I'm just coach/Lt L's wife. I long for my own circle, my own group. Can I be your groupie??? 'Cause I think we'd have a blast!! And I promise I won't complain about hubby being deployed (ok….maybe just a little bit)
I completely relate though in a different way. My house isn't "my" house. I'm trying to make it a home and my husband, bless his heart, is trying like hell to make me feel like I belong there. It's where he grew up so it's different for him. And I appreciate it and I put on a happy face. Inside is a different story sometimes.
This isn't how things were "supposed" to be.
I have to remind msyelf regularly to stop thinking this way.
Seems a lot of people are struggling with relationship / friendship issues this week! Hubby and I settled in the middle. So neither of us has family close and that's hard sometimes but it probably pulls us closer.
I totally understand – I don't feel like I belong here and something major seems to be missing. I am always so jealous when I hear of my old friends bbq's and weekend get-togethers – if only it wasn't so cold, maybe I would move back.
This is why I don't want to move again. Right now I have so many friends that are friends with the real me. It is nice to have that and while we won't be moving to my husbands home town, we will move and I will have to start all over again.
Sounds like I feel when in a room full of people and still feel lonely. 🙁
I also feel like that in this little town Britt's from. Everyone knows everyone and I know no one. I went to his school when I was in 7th grade and felt like an outsider! Mama says this town is the armpit of Arkansas…haha I don't feel that bad about it but still…
You need to come visit me or we could meet in middle… but seriously, when I was married, we moved every two years. In some places I fit right in and in others not so much, so I completely understand how you feel. I, too, felt that my place was with my husband and I don't regret that at all. It put me in a place to be able to come here to start fresh… but I'm not sure here is home yet either… it's where I'll stay for now because I don't want to uproot my kids again.
Feeling like you don't belong is such a tough feeling to deal with. You always have your family, but it's hard not to wonder if you can have more.
Ash is so fabulous. I just adore her.
And yes, I'm hearing you. I'm a West Coaster by nature, but everything about our present home is so, so good for our kids. It seems selfish to consider moving just because my heart home is elsewhere.
My boyfriend talks a lot about us moving to his hometown years down the road but I have a feeling that I will feel the same way you do if that ever happens.
I understand those feelings you wrote about…
hugs to you! and thank you for always being willing to share
I've been there, girlfriend. And typically I find myself making my own 'belonging' – which surprises the shit out of me.
Maybe someday you can be just Shell… I moved far away with my ex and we were both new so I don't know how you feel there but my mom moved from our home town to a small town with her sister and has been there a long time both my brothers garduated there and I well I am a stranger and the cop always always pulls me over every visit… small towns are so funny and can really make you feel like you are in exhile
I've been writing my "Pour Your Heart Out" post in my head for the past few days … until the stomach bug attacked my girl. *sigh* I will write it out for next week!
For what it's worth, I know how you feel … about longing for something more. Though it's something I can never post about, just know that I have the same feeling in my heart.
I feel your pain. My husband was in the military for 20 years. We moved about 8 times I think. It's hard to find your place anywhere.
Shell, I can totally relate to this. Even though I grew up in the town I live in, I feel seperated. All my friends went off to university and I stayed back to work at my family's flower shop. I met my husband at 19 and we had Emma when I was 22. All my friends were just starting to graduate and find jobs. They weren't interested in marriage or kids.
We don't have anything in common anymore.
It's hard having to make all new friends in your twenties. If not impossible!
Ouch! This hit close to home for me (home? that was not an intended pun)
We are thinking about moving this year, and my husband wants nothing more than to move back to the place we came from. For him, that place is home, it is in his blood, there is history and tradition there. For me, even though I spent most of my life there…..I feel nothing. And I know very well the feeling of being "his wife" and not my own person, because that is what it was like when we lived there.
I would rather move pretty much anywhere. And so far, we have no consensus. It is frustrating.
Well, I can sympathize with you, but you sort of lost me at "walking barefoot in February!" 🙂 But I know about military communities (was married for 15 years, did four tours). But because of that, I totally relate to you not feeling in your place. But you are barefoot in February, and well, I'm not.
I love this post! It's because I can relate so much to it. As much as I like where I am living now, there are those times where I feel like I don't fit in. It's such a strange paradox.
This is something that I struggle with being a transplant myself but it helps that Chris is also a transplant. All that keeps us here is his job. I want to move back home but drama and cold weather are not on my list right now!
Sorry you are feeling a bit down about this!
I kinda know how that is. I moved to this town when I was 13. But Ive never felt like I belong here. And if it wasnt for Hubs I wouldnt be here. And he certainly doesnt appreciate all I gave up to marry him! I hate this crappy teeny tiny town.
Ha…I can totally relate. I'm from NY and Husband is from Philly and somehow, we ended up in a suburb of Baltimore that has farms and stuff. How did that happen? We like it here, but I'm with you…I don't really fit in b/c I didn't grow up here and everyone else just annoys me 😉 I'll grin and bear it though…it's affordable and safe.
At least you're close to the ocean though, right??? I have to drive 3+ hours and I grew up on an island…minutes from the beach…it's killing me.
I felt like this when I was at university. But then when I moved back to my hometown, I didn't like it the way I imagined I would. Now we live an hour away and it seems to be the best fit for both of us.
I think all women feel a need for more at some point. I know as much as I love being a wife and mommy, I still want something for me.
I don't know first-hand, how you feel, but around here there are several family businesses & the guys go off to college & marry girls & bring them back to their home. I have always wondered how they do it. I'm friends with all the "new" girls, but I can imagine how hard it is for them.
"I don't know where I'd chose to be if the choice were entirely up to me, anyway. I miss my family and my friends from back home, but I hate the weather and the family drama gets old quick. Though, having friends that I could go out with is something that I do miss. Having people who can see me for me, I miss."
I know EXACTLY how this feels!!!!
*SIGH*
It's hard to fit in anywhere and find your identity, and when you're far from the people you relate to the most, these feelings tend to surface with far more frequency. I hope that even though this setting might not be ideal for you, that you find peace and comfort in calling it home for now.
XOXO
You can't believe how ME this post really is! As I read it I felt like I was the one talking. Although It's been 4 years compared to your 8 I feel the exact same way! Sometimes I feel guilty and think maybe I just need to get used to it and branch out more but I've tried that and keep trying. I too still don't quite feel like I belong here either.
I know how it goes. We go all sorts of places due to Tom's job. It's not always fun, but I do it because that's where he needs to be.
Oh I can just imagine how difficult that would be…makes you count your blessings!
I think it would be equally tough to live in the town where I grew up as it would to be that far from home. I'm about an hour and a half from my childhood home. I love that I don't run into people from high school, but I'm close enough to see my parents every week.
I hope you're able to find your place in your new home. Maybe when the boys are a little older. Sometimes that can be a bit alienating in itself.
That's understandable that it's not exactly the perfect fit, but I do hope it gets better.
I know how you feel. Its so hard making connections sometimes.
What you don't realize, Shell, is that when you say you don't feel like you can relate to the military-wives, you really made me chuckle down the post when you got to the "I don't belong here part," because, girl, that is exactly how 99.9% of military-wives feel. (Or at least me.) My husband has my heart, so he is my home. And he puts his heart into the Marine Corps, which has put us in Hawaii… which, as much as any one else wouldn't complain, will just never feel like home to me. It was the worst this fall/winter. I'm used to crisp autumn air, football games… and it's hard to get excited about a Christmas tree when there's beach to your left, and a palm tree in your neighbor's backyard.
I don't know, but reading this post I related to you more than you can imagine, and I'm a military wife. So I thought I'd let ya know.
That must be so incredibly hard Shell. I don't know what id do if I were away from my family and friends. You're incredibly strong.
Hmm, that's a hard one. I know you make the best of it though.
That's a hard one girl. I know when we moved to where we are now, we both wanted to be here so it is very different for me.
I hope someday you will feel like it is home.
…and barefeet?? brrr….we are possibly going to see snow this weekend. I would love to see it!
Your post hit home for me! My situation is a bit different, I'm 26 married w/ no kids. My husband is a medical student. This is now our 3 location in 3 years- which means 3 new jobs, 3 new apartments, and where we are now- we don't know a single soul. No friends, friends of friends or family. My husband works 80-90hr weeks so it's really up to me to meet people and keep busy. I've been trying to get involved, meet people etc.. but it's a very different life & place than we are used to. My heart goes out to you because I don't belong here either!
It takes me a long time to find my niche. I am just not someone naturally comfortable in a group. I do think that as my children get older it has been easier to find mommy friends (we are there on the sidelines and naturally start talking).
I think that important thing is to stay true to yourself, eventually you will find your group. If you try to change to fit into a group you will be even more miserable.
That is hard. We lived on a military post for a few years, but we were military, so it was good. I actually liked it. And we are lucky that we are both from the same place. So home is the same and it's where we are now after being gone 11 years. I truly hope you find your happy soon. You are too sweet and fun to not have your own personality shine!
Man, you get a lot of comments. Do you read them all?
I can totally relate to your post. We have always had so much in common. It's an awful feeling to be in "his" territory. You really don't feel like yourself…or like there even is a "yourself."
Isn't blogging awesome? It has helped me so much! Especially through all the moving. Even when all else changes, I actually have some Internet friends who stay the same. My blog and all things related are there for me no matter where we have to move. It's better than no friends at all!
After almost a year in Reggie's hometown, I'm starting to adjust (somewhat). The people are really friendly and will do anything for us. But I'm so busy with kids, I don't have a huge amount of time to hang out with friends and foster deeper relationships. Thank goodness Reggie and I are close, and like I said, I am close to people through the Internet and phone.
Bless you sweet girl for having the right attitude of submission to your husband. It's a hard life.