Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Pour Your Heart Out: How We Deal

will be okay

When there’s something rough going on, we all deal in our own ways. There really isn’t a right or wrong way to deal.

We feel how we feel.

But it seems that the way that I deal makes me the odd one out when it comes to my family.

And I’m sick and tired of being made to feel like I’m an uncaring, unfeeling monster because I’m not reacting in the way that others are.

You see, a few months back, one of my sils was diagnosed with cancer. She’s been extremely public about this, posting from day 1 on her facebook about it, so I don’t feel like I’m violating her privacy to tell you this.

She had an operation last month and they were able to remove everything.

Me? I was so happy. YAY!!! The cancer is gone!!!!

But, you see, because it was stage 3, her doctor recommended that she go through radiation and chemotherapy. So she’ll be going through all that for the next 6 months.

Which is inconvenient and not the absolute best outcome possible- the best being that they would have removed it and said that was it, all clear. And I have never gone through radiation or chemo, so I don’t know about the pain and everything else she’ll be dealing with.

But this is what I know: the doctors are telling her that this is just a precaution. That the cancer is gone and that this is just to ensure it won’t come back.

Yet, the response of my family members has been to cry. And to talk about how awful it all is. And to cry some more. Not my sil, though- she’s a freaking rockstar with her positive attitude. But everyone else is crying all the time.

And they do not understand my reaction. They think I don’t care. Or that I don’t understand.

But, what I know is that the doctors are saying the cancer is gone. They are saying that these next few months are just to ensure everything is okay- but it’s not even required. Yes, I’m repeating this fact. A fact that others can’t seem to wrap their minds around.

What I know is that this could have been so freaking much worse.

The surgery might not have worked. They might not have been able to get it all. Or it could have spread. They could have been telling her she HAD to go through radiation and chemo. That she had to if she were to even have a chance to make it. Or they could have told her that it didn’t matter, that nothing could be done to help her.

But none of that happened. She is cancer-free.

And sure, the next several months are going to suck.

But, from everything I’ve heard, at the end of it- she’ll be totally fine. That there’s no question that she’ll still be here next Christmas… and many, many Christmases after that. Something that no one was sure of this past Christmas.

So, I choose to focus on the positive and celebrate what I see as happy news. And just because I’m dealing in this way doesn’t make me a heartless bitch. I’ve yet to tell anyone that just because they are freaking out over the negatives that they are being selfish drama queens, so they can refrain from judging me for looking on the bright side. We’re all just dealing in our own ways.

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Comments

  1. I would have reacted the same way as you–yes the chemo and radiation is going to be rough, but hello?? CANCER FREE!! That is something to celebrate. It’s amazing. Each positive step in her healing should be celebrated!

  2. I think you have to stay positive in a situation like this, even when the outcome isn’t as good as your sil’s. Every doctor I know says that the more positive you are, the more aware you are and the more you try to fight to get the best quality of life. Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. Your sil needs someone to see the bright side with her and keep her out of the darkness.

    • And my sil is SO positive about it all. It drives me nuts that she’ll post some uplifting update on fb and all she gets in return are people being negative about what is going on. 1

  3. I totally would have reacted the same way you are.  I usually try to focus on the positive.  That’s great that your SIL has a positive attitude too.  That’s all that really matters.  Glad to hear that the surgery removed all the cancer!

    • The funny thing is that I never really thought of myself like that until this situation. But it’s what feels right to me. 

  5. You have a giant, overflowing heart! Just because you don’t have a penchant for melodrama doesn’t make you uncaring at all. I am SURE your SIL is happy to have someone be supportive without making her medical situation a contest about who can cry the hardest.

  7. Some people prefer to drown in drama rather than feel the power of positivity. It’s completely true. You can’t change them. (Those drama people also tend to be a tad judgey.) You just have to keep doing the right thing for you. And Yipee!!!! Cancer free!!!

    • My family is full of the drama people.  I finally lost it and flipped out on one of them the other day, saying that she needed to stop saying my sil was going to die when no doctor is saying that at all. 

  8. I think you’re having a good, positive reaction to everything, admittedly, probably better than I would have. I think it’s great!

  9. I tend to hang on to the practical too. I also try to take my cue from the person going through it (ie: My grandpa was stoic at my grammy’s funeral, so I’ll be dipped of he’s going to see me lose it, even though I WANT to curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out). If SIL is being positive, then I’d feel like I owed it to her to be as well… she shouldn’t have to comfort ME in HER time of need, KWIM?

    • Exactly. The emotional family members are exhausting to deal with- and sil doesn’t need that right now!

  11. Everyone deals with things in their own way, and that is completely okay. Good for you for focusing on the positives! And I’m so glad to hear that she will be okay!

    • And I really do try to be understanding of how they are all dealing with it, but I just got fed up with being told that I’m uncaring. I’m so happy my sil would be okay, too! Thanks! 

  13. I think it is really important to keep the feelings and reactions of the person who is ACTUALLY GOING THROUGH it in mind when you are dealing with a situation like this. Your sister-in-law is being positive – she doesn’t need everyone around her to cry and freak out and make their feelings the most important thing in the room. Your positivity is probably more of a support to her than all of their tears. 

    • Yes, she’s being so positive about it all- I hate the idea that as she’s going through this, there are family members dragging her down.

  14. Your sil is a rock star that is for sure! I’ve been amazed by her attitude!! The next couple months are going to be a living hell for her (them) I pray she doesn’t have too many side effects from chemo and radiation – but your right the outlook is a million times better than it could have been! No need for tears – it’s time to continue to be strong and support them through this! (I know some people in your family are just predisposed to drama….)

    • Predisposed to drama. You nailed it. LOL 

      I do wish sil could have an easier time of it, but I just don’t see the need to be so negative about it like others are being. 

  16. Reactions to illness are so varied, and judgment about them just adds unnecessary stress to the situation. My father had cancer when I was little and I remember that some of his friends were too upset about it to visit him. It really made my mom mad.  Instead of feeling angry at them, my father told us that we have to understand that people have different capacities and that we need to respect their choices. I thought that was such a beautiful, compassionate response. I learned so much from this lesson from him.

  17. I think choosing to focus on the positive is the best thing to do in this situation.
    I pray your SIL continues to do well, and that she does indeed have many, many Christmases with your family.

  18. I’m right there with you~ I’m always trying to look at the positive side & just hold out hope that things won’t spiral into the bad. That is great news that your SIL is upbeat & positive, lots of prayers headed her way. Hopefully when this treatment is finished, she can put this entire chapter behind here. Hugs to all of you! 

    • Thank you for the prayers. It’s my hope that this year will just be a distant memory to her some day.

  19. Cancer-free!!! Yahooo!!!! What is so frustrating about this is that your sil is focusing on the positive so everyone should take theircue from HER! THE ONE GOING THROUGH IT!! Why do people have to make every situation about them?? You are NOT a heartless bitch, not even close. You are cherishing this bit of good news because you know it could have been worse.

    • That’s exactly what it is. People are making it about them instead of her. And it drives me insane. I can’t even look at their fb updates any more. It makes my blood pressure soar. 

  20. I think I would have reacted like you. I’m mean the cancer is gone, that is AMAZING! You’re right though, we all deal in different ways. The radiation and chemo are going to be rough but YAY for the surgery going so well.

    • Wish she didn’t have to go through it all, but still- she’s been given every reason to think she will be okay. 

  21. You are right when you say you feel what you feel. I know some people who seem to not react one way or the other to “bad” news, keeping a stone face and seeming “cold.” Their reality though is that if they let any emotion in, they will fall apart, so they are doing what they need to do to carry on. The bottom line is the last thing we need to do in situations like these is judge one another. Great post!

    • Oh, for sure. If I started imagining all the what ifs, I could sink into a terrible depression. 

  22. There is nothing wrong with being positive and happy. Your sil needs that way more then people crying around her all the time. Why bring her down when you can boost her up?

  23. Well good thing she has one positive happy person in her life–otherwise she might start to think they all know something she doesn’t.

    And yes- I think I would be positive and optimistic right along with you as I seriously wonder even if someone was dealing would they want someone crying with them every single day or helping celebrate them as a person and enjoy the time they have left?  

    • I totally agree. I feel like some of my family members are being selfish and thinking about themselves instead of thinking about what sil wants/needs right now.

  24. I am rather stoic in a crisis because I would rather step back and see things clearly and make good decisions around things than react and make decisions based on fear and emotion.  So I get where you are coming from.  But often I too am misunderstood. 

  25. I don’t tend to be a crier, either.  That can be a strength during a crisis….but it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t care!  Sorry you felt that way:(
    Michelle

  26. I totally understand. People probably think this about me. Let’s not wear ourselves out with grief until there’s a reason. I think it’s more caring of the person going through it. They need to believe you believe there’s hope. Not to be buried alive.

    • Yes. and that’s exactly how I feel- that she’ll be just fine! I don’t see any reason to put any more burden on her. 

  27. My mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer almost a year ago. She also had a surgery that removed all of the cancer and is still cancer free. She had the BEST attitude about it and the doctors told her that can make a difference. In life we can not always choose what happens to us. However, we get to choose how we react. I love that your family member is choosing joy, choosing to see the positive!

    • Oh, I love that. Yes, it’s our reaction that we can control. Sometimes that all we can control! 

  28. I think it is probably much healthier to stay optimistic and upbeat in a situation like this so that your body response in a positive way. Your SIL doesn’t need people confirming her worst fears, she needs a cheering section to keep her focused on the prize. Good for you for being that light!

  29. Some folks simply cannot survive without drama – I think it makes them feel normal or even superior in some ways. It also makes the situation about them.

    You’re a good egg, my friend. Keep on celebrating the victory! Dramas are going to drama.

  32. It’s terrifying that your SIL and family are going through such a tough situation, but I agree–it’s important to hold out hope and to focus on the victories that come your way.

    • For sure- no reason to dwell on all the what ifs, especially since she hasn’t been given any reason to think she will get anything but a happy outcome. 

  33. I hope your SIL will be all right and I hope it all turns out well. That being said, my SIL was diagnosed with cancer in December 2003. She had surgery on Dec 26, 2003, to remove it. The doctors were sure they had got it all, but she needed to do chemo just in case. And she did a round of chemo, and another. Her numbers weren’t good. Then she started having more problems. Another different type of chemo. Blood transfusions because the chemo was wearing her out. A second opinion that said there isn’t much we can do for you. Colostomy surgery when she could no longer eat, then hospice care, and eventual death in April 2005. So if family members are crying they can may know that the “just in case” isn’t necessarily good. I still miss her.

    • I’m very sorry for your loss. 

      I understand why people get upset in these situations, but when we aren’t given reason to worry, I don’t see the point in crying and talking about what if she dies… when that is not currently her prognosis. She is staying extremely positive and has been given every reason to feel that way. So I hate that others are bringing her down. And that I’m viewed as heartless because I’m not crying. 

      *IF* something happens and she isn’t okay- I will probably be right there along side my family, crying, too. But for now, I don’t see any reason to. There are always “what ifs” out there, but unless there’s a reason to think they are going to happen, I don’t think it helps anyone to borrow that kind of trouble. 

  36. Focusing on the good news is absolutely the right thing to do. Cancer-free is HUGE. Why suck all the joy out of good news by worrying about a precautionary step? 

  37. I’m with you on this one! It is definitely a positive! Especially since your SILs reaction is so positive. I think sometimes people let their emotions get to them with the “what ifs” of a situation. But, they certainly shouldn’t judge you for trying to keep a clear head and focus on the facts. That is an admirable quality if  you ask me! 🙂 Your SIL needs that positive attitude in her corner, too! She sounds like a fighter surrounded by victims. Keep that positive energy up girl! She needs it! 

  38. Ah. misery does love its company. We all judge each other based on our own values. I’m sorry your family isn’t more  inspired by your (and you SIL’s!) positive outlook. Your choice to be positive is an admirable one. I’m thrilled for you, your SIL and your family! You’re right – that IS fabulous news!

  39. This is a positive and you can’t live life with “what ifs” – you have to just live life and enjoy and cherish every moment!

  40. A “good” cancer prognosis is something to celebrate. Period. The rest of your family needs to take their cue from your SIL. Some folks just aren’t happy without some drama in their lives.

  42. No offense to your family but some people seek out that drama and thrive on having something to grieve and worry about….sounds like they’ve latched onto this as their cause of the moment.  
    I am much more like you – focus on the POSITIVE!!!

  43. I’m going to echo what so many others have said. I’m sure that she’s glad to have someone there who isn’t raining on her parade. What she needs right now is someone who will lift her up, not drag her down.

  44. I can’t believe people are picking on you for being POSITIVE. What is that?? I’m sure your SIL appreciates you for staying positive because, as I know all too well, it is very exhausting to try to hold everyone else up when you’re the one going something.

  47. Personally, I think you have the exact right attitude. This will be a difficult season in her life, but it will be just that – a season. Followed by many, many more wonderful seasons. And that is a blessing – one that she herself seems to recognize and appreciate. Do you want her to have to go through the treatment? Of course not. But you’re grateful to know that she’ll come out on the other side of it with good news.