Last year, oh, last school year, how I miss you.
My two older boys had the most amazing teachers ever who worked so hard to help them. It may have been why I went a little overboard on teacher appreciation gifts.
Going into this year, I knew absolutely nothing about either one of my boys’ teachers, though I know that extra care was taken with where my first grader was placed. And things seem to be going okay there so far.
But my third grader.
Hrumph.
The source of my aggravation is something called a “flipped classroom.” Which basically means that the kids watch the lessons at home via video and then do the practice in class. The opposite of what a traditional classroom is like. His homework was taking an hour and a half to two hours to complete at night. He’s eight, y’all.
Not only was the time factor bothering me, but so was the content of the lessons and the teaching style. It’s confusing and boring. And no, I’m not saying I don’t understand third grade math. I taught third grade math years ago. I LOVED teaching third grade math. But watching these videos made me shake my head. My son’s strongest area is math, but if this was all the instruction he’d get, well, I’d question how the heck he’d ever be able to pass the state test at the end of the year.
It all added up to needing a parent-teacher conference, and not one that I was looking forward to.
Parent Teacher Conference Tips
Having been on the other side of the parent-teacher conference for years before I had kids, I really try to give the teacher the benefit of the doubt. I know the most productive meetings I had were when the parent was honest but calm so that we could work towards a solution that would benefit the child.
But it is, in fact, different to be the parent who has a problem. That’s my baby and it’s hard to keep cool. Here’s what to do to prepare:
Try not to vent on social media before the conference. I’m going to be honest with you and tell you that after the 5th night of 2 hours of homework and a video that I thought would confuse my son more than it would help him and watching him start to tear up because I told him that it was okay if he didn’t have as many notes written about the video as the directions stated(he’s extremely rules-oriented and was afraid of getting a no-homework slip written up)…. that night, I DID vent on facebook. I shouldn’t have, though. Wondering why?
Because friends are friends for a reason: they’ve got your back. And if you say that the homework is so stupid that you are just going to write “this is ridiculous, my son isn’t doing this” in his agenda and sign that, well, your friends are probably going to click “like” and tell you to go get ’em.
Or maybe it’s not homework, maybe it’s something else that is bothering you about the class. But still, friends will generally back you up and go on their own rants, which will only fire you up more, making it harder to keep your cool.
Plus, keep in mind that it’s a small world. While you might not be facebook friends with your child’s teacher, you could be friends with someone who is and will share your rant. *Cue embarrassment*
Go in with a list of questions.
Figure out what it is that is bothering you about the class. Write it down. Try to reword your questions to sound like you’re looking for a solution, not for a fight.
For example, I wanted to ask “Why is your homework so freaking painful that I want to stab out my eardrums with a blunt knife when I watch your videos?” to “Can you help me understand why you are choosing to have the kids watch the videos?”
You might not end up needing your list, but you can have it to refer to, either for the more polite wording or to make sure you cover all your questions and concerns.
Give the teacher a chance.
Most teachers really are there because they love what they do. They really do want to help your child. Sure, there are some bad apples out there, but don’t automatically assume your child has one of them. It should be a partnership between the teacher and you to have your child succeed: you want that partnership to be a friendly one.
So, be open to hearing what the teacher has to say.
And keep in mind that what your child tells you might not be the full story. Listen to your child’s concerns, but just be aware that a child could either lie to try to stay out of trouble, not really be aware of the full story, or just misunderstand something. Address whatever these concerns are, but do give the teacher a chance.
Conference Don’ts
Don’t yell or name-call.
That really doesn’t do anything for the parent-teacher relationship. And can get you banned from the classroom and can mean that any time you want to talk to the teacher, you have to go through the principal.
Don’t pretend like everything is okay if it’s not.
While you should stay calm, you shouldn’t just smile and nod and agree with everything if you aren’t okay with it. The teacher won’t know what you are upset about or that there is a problem if you don’t speak up. Don’t hold it all in and then go home and be frustrated.
Don’t make a rash decision in the moment.
I’ll be honest with you and say that I’m still not 100% convinced that my son will finish out the school year in the same classroom he’s in right now. But since we did make some headway on the issues I was seeing, I’m giving the teacher some more time. Though switching my son was something my husband and I have discussed, I really didn’t see a need to tell the teacher “well, we’re pulling him out of here” right during the first conference. We need more time to think about it.
What if you really feel like you made no headway in the conference?
Have another conference. Include someone else who knows your child who could help. Maybe it’s a past year’s teacher. Or if you really felt like you weren’t being heard or if you think something needs to be done that is beyond the teacher’s ability to accomplish, request the principal or assistant principal sit in. Have a list of ideas for what you think can be done: going in with possible solutions instead of just complaints(even if they are very valid complaints).
What are your parent teacher conference tips?
I just went to my first school conference. I tried to listen before asking questions. The teacher shared what she thought I needed to know and then I was able to ask about things I was concerned with.
Hope all is going well in kindergarten!
School conferences always stress me out. I feel like I kind of brace myself walking in and always leave feeling like it was better than expected. Totally agree with all your tips! 🙂 We have our first round of conferences in a couple weeks, so I am going to remember this.-Ashley
Good luck!
I agree that coming with possible solutions is a great way to go. I think that might be the best tip out of all the great ones you gave here. As a teacher, it is sometimes difficult to figure out what the parents want out of the discussion. To know the end goal and ways I can help to get there is essential. It also helps the lessen the tension and the feeling of “me vs. you.” As a parent, I haven’t had to have too many conferences. I will definitely keep these tips in mind if the tables are ever turned.
It should definitely be a partnership!
Our elementary school does at least 2 per year per child, then adds on more if parent or teacher request it.
Great tips! You are so right about the social media thing as yea, I know if I post something that is bothering me while it feels great to know people have my back it often does get me riled up more.
That really is so strange how they are teaching math, I hope things work out for your son.
I did post about it and then I sort of cringed, knowing I shouldn’t have. I was so frustrated. I’m hoping things get better.
I haven’t had a parent teacher conference yet but I think your tips are great for anyone who needs to have an uncomfortable conversation. Good luck to you and your son. I can’t imagine having to learn through a video.
Supposedly the video is more engaging than the traditional model of teaching. I beg to differ. I have the hardest time watching those videos. But, I’m biting my tongue in front of my son, at least.
We are going thru difficulties too for the first time this year. Wish me luck on keeping my cool about math on Thursday!
Good luck! I hope there’s an easy fix!
I like these tips! Our conferences are coming up at the end of the month.
Good luck! We still have another coming up, though we’re past the one that had me the most worried.
I think the showing of the video first is something that some teachers are experimenting with now during this push toward “the common core” – Karly is getting it in high school geometry and her teacher is first-year, straight from credential school – ostensibly on the cutting edge of educational theory, right?
I don’t know. I can’t do geometry anymore to save my life (not that I could do it well thirty years ago, either). I will say it’s working for her. But other parents are concerned and I’ve told those who have sought my advice (since I’m a former teacher) much of what you stated here.
The stakes are high in high school (no pun intended) but can be seen as even higher in elementary school – where a child can already get burned out and is forming his/her opinions about school in general and about him/herself as a student specifically.
These are great tips, Shell. I appreciate your tone of giving the teacher the benefit of the doubt at first; but also your determination to seek help for your child no matter what until you’re satisfied.
p.s. The worst teacher my kids ever had in elementary school used to make us bring our children to the parent/conference. It was nearly impossible to honestly convey my concerns about my kids with them sitting RIGHT THERE. So of course we were all intimidated and just “yessed” her until the meeting was over. I wish I’d had more guts then to say NO.
I actually can see more value in high school or even middle school. My problems is coming with it being third grade. And how boring the videos are- OMG, I’m trying not to punch myself in the face right now as I listen to tonight’s video for the second time.
Not good to have the kids right there for the conference- just too hard to be completely honest.
Oh goodness..if only I had that list of don’ts that I could have brought to parents that I had to meet with when teaching high school. The parents yelled at me, blamed me for everything that wasn’t going right with their kids and more.
Despite the fact that their kid wasn’t coming to class, and when they were, they thought their cell phone was the teacher!
It made me tell my own kids that if there ever is an issue, the teacher is always right until proved otherwise.
I taught pre-cell phone days… or at least, pre-smartphone days, so phones weren’t an issue. But yeah, I had parents who would come in for a conference and blame everything on the teachers.
I’ve heard about the flipped teaching thing and almost wished my older child had it. Now I know better although there were a few nights where his math homework took that long anyway. Tomorrow night I have to sign up for the first sanctioned teacher conference night. I’ve already have one conference with my third grader’s teachers, but will have another as he is really struggling. My first grader is not struggling but I’m a little worried about that conference as the teacher is one that I had to pull my third grader away from when he was in first grade. The boys are very different but I tried so hard to work with her with my third grader and she wasn’t willing to compromise or try alternative solutions at all. Teachers he has this year are – thank goodness. Most of the time when I go in there with the attitude that we all want what is best for my children it works out fine so I’m sure it will.
I do think flipped classrooms can work. I’m just not sold on them for third graders. My son’s class is the only one of the 6 third grades in his school who is doing this.
Great Tips. I work for the school district and I hear both sides (mostly from the teacher’s perspective. btw, ***yelling or name-calling. *** would be TOTALLY Utterly unacceptable for either party!! Xx
Knowing what it’s like from the teacher perspective has helped to stay calm. Or at least a little more calm that I otherwise would have been. 😉
Really awesome tips, Shell. I’m sorry your guy is struggling, and I do hope things turn around for him (and you) soon.
It’s driving me crazy that his strongest area is becoming his weakest because of this method of teaching. :/
Thank goodness we haven’t been there yet – so far so good with teachers. I can’t imagine doing a flipped classroom. I have been wondering how the conference went
I’m allowed to cut him off after 20 minutes-half hour if I feel like he’s getting it and not have him do all the notes. That made me feel slightly better but I still am not convinced these videos are any good.
Thank you for the advice! My son is in Pre-K this year, so for the first time we’re dealing with homework and a more regimented classroom. So I think this year’s parent-teacher conference is going to be a little bit different then previous years.
It definitely changes once homework is involved!
We’re having a good year now, but last year my oldest had a terrible teacher. I don’t like confrontation, and it was hard to approach her with my concerns. These tips are really helpful.
I hate confrontation. But my oldest had a teacher that was not a fit in first grade and he really struggled because of it. I wish I’d had spoken up- I learned from that.
I like all of these tips. Sadly I have nothing to offer. This is awful coming from someone who is the mother of two children with IEP’s. I do these meetings all the time. Some are down right grueling. Truthfully, as the parent we know what is best for out child, but the teacher has them 5 days a week so we need to work together–just as you said. It is better to come in with an action plan rather than a plan of attack.
I think IEP meetings are the hardest because they have to focus on what the weaknesses are and address them, so they feel so negative.
As a teacher, I say your tips are great! As a parent and a teacher, I think I would “flip” my kiddo right out of that classroom. That is just too much!
I’m having a really hard time with it- I really want to pull him out of the class but my son doesn’t want to change classrooms.