Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

One and Done?

things they can't sayRoxanne is a single mother to a 6-year-old superhero, living in the biggest little city and blogging all about her journey at Unintentionally Brilliant. She is an assistant editor at Write on Edge, and is a freelance editor for several bloggers and novelists.

I find myself impressed by other parents who can make the firm decision to be “one and done” or “definitely two” or “fourteen is the perfect number for us.” These people know what they want when it comes to number of kids, and they can draw that line in the sand.

My line moves.

In my younger days, I wanted two children. Then, I went through my first pregnancy and decided that it was a miserable experience. I didn’t have many problems; I just didn’t enjoy it. I never glowed. I glowered.

My son was born 7 weeks early, so bonding took a lot longer than I thought it should have. He stayed at the hospital for 78 days with feeding issues, and I suffered from postpartum depression. It was a messy and emotional time.

I was almost certain I was “one and done”.

I had my beautiful son, and that would be enough for me. Why would I put myself through pregnancy again for something I wasn’t certain of?

Then I got divorced, and I “knew” that T would be my only child. I was okay with that.

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I started dating again a couple years after the divorce, and I started to consider the prospect of growing our family. I thought about maybe getting married again some day, of having just one more baby. Maybe I could go through pregnancy again, knowing how awesome my son turned out to be.

I dated a man with a child of his own and thought that would be a good way to have two children. I wouldn’t have to go through pregnancy again! But…what is that? Is that…a small ticking noise? Could that be the mysterious biological clock telling me I want another baby of my own? One I get to grow myself? Maybe the second pregnancy would be different.

So then I thought about it. Could I be the mother of two children, and stepmother to one? Even if that relationship didn’t last, there could be other single fathers I might date in the future. If I wanted just two children, two of my own, then should I make it a rule not to date single fathers?

Maybe I could be a stepparent, and still have a second of my own.

My mind reels. I go back and forth between how many children I want. Even though I am still a single mother to one, often struggling to make ends meet, and only casually dating for the moment, it’s still on my mind.

I guess that’s what is kind of nice about my life. Nothing has to be set in stone. I can still daydream about the different paths my life can take.

And I am comfortable in knowing that I would be perfectly happy if T is my only child. I mean, he is pretty awesome.

 

Comments

  1. Nothing wrong with one and done. I’m an only raising an only. Whether you have one, two, or more, there will always be challenges and rewards. We are quite happy with our little family. Be happy with what feels right for you. (If you want an interesting read, check out Lauren Sandler’s One and Only. I loved that book for so many reasons!)

    • I think it’s important for each family to do whatever feels right for them – in all aspects of life. Thank you so  much for your comment, and I’ll be sure to add that book to my GoodReads list. 🙂

    • My best friend has a son who is 4 years younger than mine. They get to hang out a lot, and I feel like my son has an almost-brother relationship with him. Which I think it lovely for them. Thanks for your comment!

  3. First, T is such a handsome, smart, amazing little boy (well Duh, he’s your son). 

    before our infertility issues, I always thought about having 3 children. I come from a three kid family and I liked it, It wasn’t about the number per se, three (my favorite number) just felt right. 

    then we had trouble and there were times that I honestly didn’t think I’d have ONE baby, so when I got pregnant with the boys (and lived through that horrible 35 weeks of vomiting and fear) and delivered them I think it was there in that hospital room that I got very comfortable with having my two children and not adding a third. 

    that is NOT to say that I don’t dream of a little girl in our midst, I do. But at 43 that’s  not an option anymore. 

    Gio and Jacob have made us a family and I’m really okay with that. (Also, if I had just one baby I know that I would have wanted to add to our family…I would have definitely tried for a 2nd baby)

    xoxo
     

    • I had a brother & a sister, but I always felt like 3 was just a little bit too many. Two parents, two kids. One for each. 😉

      I so appreciate your comment. I love hearing about Gio and Jacob (ADORABLES!). Thank you for stopping by, dear Kir XO

  5. Only time will tell when and if you’re ready to have another child. As long as you are happy with how your life is going, that is all that matters. (Secret; I have 6 kids and my tubes are tied. Divorced and in a long relationship with I think the true love of my life and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have his child even though I know I can’t have any more children. You never stop wondering)

    • It’s probably true that you never stop wondering. And I’m OK with that. I have time and nothing is set in stone. Thanks for reading & commenting!

  6. Currently, we are a “one and done” family. We are contemplating adding another to our family, but that’s up in the air. I find that people have a lot of opinions about only children. At the end of the day, do what works for you and your spouse!

  7. We never made the decision about how many kids we were willing to have. When we got married we talked about 10. I always wanted a large family and if he would have said fewer than 8 I might have had to keep looking for my Mr. Right. Fortunately, he was on board and we just left the number to a higher power. Family size is a personal decision and you should be comfortable with whatever you decide. It’s a good thing that line in the sand can be easily washed away!
    Sandy

    • That’s the truth. It is a personal decision. It just got annoying when people would ask “when are you having the next one” when my son was barely even a year old. I wanted to say it’s none of their business, but I’m much too afraid of hurting feelings. 🙂 Thanks for commenting!

  8. Sometimes we just have to wait and see what happens… I think the family that you are meant to have is there, waiting for you. Whether it is just your little guy,  and a step child, or another child (or two! ), you are blessed to be a mother and will have the family that is for you!!

    • Thanks for reading & commenting Leah. Sometimes it’s hard waiting to see what happens, but it’s nice to know I have options. 🙂

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