Anna lives with her husband Mr. Right and their two adorable kids Miss Thang, and Little Dude in Oklahoma. She writes a lifestyle blog Green Eyed Country Girl where she writes about everyday life, household tips & tricks, menu plans, recipes, personal ponderings, fashion that she loves and sometimes she writes about her journey as a photographer. She is a lover of God, her husband, kids, family & friends. She loves all things country (NOT mauve & blue). Nutella & iced coffee are crucial to her well-being.
It’s not a good feeling. It’s not something I like.
Actually I hate feeling numb.
Recently I had a huge life changing thing happen in my life. Something I never imagined I would have to do, would have to go through. It was a huge part of my life. One of the biggest parts of my life. No, I won’t give any more details or allusions as to what specifically it was. But if you know me personally at all, you would immediately know what I’m referring too.
Sometimes I think I’d like to spill it all, let it all be known. But there’s so much of it that’s not my story to tell. And if you don’t personally know the history, in reality it wouldn’t seem like such a big deal to anyone else. You might have some empathy, but you probably wouldn’t understand how this thing literally rocked me to my core. Tested my faith like it’s never been tested before…..and my faith has been tested.
This thing, was the last thing in the world I would’ve ever seen coming. I would’ve seen death or divorce before I would’ve seen this.
There was (is) so much grief, so much hurt, so much confusion, so much anger, so much disbelief, so much peace. So many many emotions and feelings.
I can only take so much, I can only process so many emotions and feelings, after a while I have to do something to take my mind off of it, read, watch a movie, take the kids somewhere, anything to just simply not think about it.
But there are times, late at night, Mr. Right and the kids are in bed, it’s dark and quiet, but I can’t sleep. I can’t think of anything else.
I feel numb.
I don’t like feeling numb. I don’t know how to process feeling numb, I don’t know what to do with that.
Anger, pain, confusion, all those other feelings I can think through, I can work through them, I can reason everything out. I’m a thinker, a doer, a fixer, I can figure those feelings out, figure out why I am feeling them and what to do about it.
But when I feel numb I can’t do anything. I don’t know how to process, how to feel, how to deal with it.
I would literally rather be in so much pain I think I’m dieing than feel numb.
But I guess that’s part of grieving. I guess there comes a point when your mind and body just can’t feel anything else.
But I don’t like it.
I know that everything will be alright. I know that everything will work out according to God’s plan. I have that faith. And I don’t doubt it.
But sometimes even with my faith strong and my confidence in God, I still wonder why is this happening? What good could possibly come from this? Why am I being tested? What did I do to deserve being tested? Why, why, why?
I don’t like feeling numb, but I know, that no matter how bad it gets, no matter how much it hurts at times, no matter how numb I get, I’ll be ok. God will see me through.