Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Not Everything Is Gold Star Behavior

This past spring, my then-kindergartener came up with a “star chart” and would mentally calculate how many stars he had for various tasks. He really knew exactly how many stars he had and could tell you why he had each. And he would work towards a goal to earn a prize.

It worked, so we just sort of rolled with it.

But this summer, I knew I needed a more organized way to keep track of such things- and for all three of my boys. Especially with the school work I was having them do.

So now they each have a star chart- it started with a paper one and then we moved to a reward chart app because what isn’t easier with an app?

kids reward charts

My boys can earn stars for doing their summer work: workbooks, journal, the various computer programs, reading, etc.

And they can also earn them for being exceptionally helpful or polite. My middle son opening the door for another family to go through to the pool ahead of us. My oldest making a snack for everyone when I was stuck on a conference call. Little things that they get a star for because I like them to know that I’m watching and I appreciate the good they do(and that I don’t just notice when they are being little punks).

But, not everything is gold star behavior.

They were good at the pool?

They had a positive report from camp?

They listened to Grandma when she’s watching them?

Well, that’s what they are supposed to do.

And getting to go to the pool or camp(and Grandma’s): that’s a reward in and of itself. They don’t get rewarded for behaving during a preferred activity. If they weren’t behaving at the pool, we’d just leave.

Obviously, since I use a reward chart, I believe in rewarding my kids.

But it has to be for something that is more difficult for them to do, or something that we are working on trying to see in them more. Sort of like when they were potty training and would get a gold star(and okay, an M&M) for when they would use the potty. They don’t still get one now, years after being potty trained.

They don’t get rewarded for what they should be doing, only for going above and beyond.

Or next thing you know, they’d expect participation trophies. Don’t get me started on those.

Do you use a reward chart with your kids? What sorts of behaviors are gold star in your house?

Comments

  1. I think you have found a great balance. Behavior above and beyond should be rewarded.

    My daughter is supposed to do dishes five days a week. When she sneaks into the kitchen and does them on the sixth day (thereby saving me from doing them) – that is definitely gold star behavior in my book.

    Don’t get ME started on participation trophies. So ridiculous.

    • I’m only okay with participation trophies for very young kids. But once they are old enough to know if they won or lost- nope.

    • I really like the iReward Chart app. They have some tasks you can pick from or you can make your own. And having it right on my phone helps me keep up with it.

  3. When I have kids, I’m definitely going to have to remember this post. I totally agree with you on not being rewarded for something that should be done.

  4. I struggle with reward charts because personally, I am so forgetful. We have our chore charts and a morning routine. They have to do certain things to earn video gaming each day. I will definitely look at the app. Maybe it will help me stay on top of it.

    • Using an app has definitely helped me. My boys will even bring me my phone when they know they earned a star. LOL

  5. We do a reward chart in our house – but instead of Gold Stars, they are R Bucks – reward bucks that they can save up and earn a prize from our redemption closet. We have a set of house rules – six in total – if they follow those all to a T – they earn bucks. It’s been working so far this summer!

  6. I do believe in reward charts and encouraging behavior that above and beyond and for certain things that we are working on. We’re trying to find a balance but it’s mostly that I forget about the rewards after about 2 weeks. I like the idea of an app though.

  7. I completely agree with you that some behaviors are expected and shouldn’t get rewarded. Some behaviors should make kids feel good for doing them, not just because they get a sticker. I do believe in rewarding my kids with stickers. I wish I was consistent with it because we start strong and then fizzle.

  8. We haven’t used a reward chart, but we do use checklists – especially during the school year. It is just a list of reminders about stuff that needs to get done every day (chores, getting ready for the day, packing up for school, etc.) I agree that certain things are just expected behaviour as part of politeness and following rules and don’t need rewards. I think there is truth in ‘success is its own reward,’ or however the saying goes.  

  9. Exactly! I don’t believe in pats on the back for doing what you are supposed to do. Will I occasionally say, “great job for behaving in the store.” Of course, because I want to reinforce it, but they aren’t getting a parade for doing what is required.

  10. I set up this chart for my boy when he was having trouble at daycare and he would get a star for certain chores that he was having trouble with, but when he reached 50 stars in two weeks…we had to rethink our strategy!

    • I had to take a look at how many stars they’d typically get in a day or week before deciding on how many would equal a reward.

  11. We don’t use a reward chart. I’ve been convinced in makes anything easier. Does it? Also, now I’m not sure it would work much with older kids. BUT, I think you’re a great mom for doing it!

  12. Yes!!  Very well said!!  That philosophy is how we work our chore chart– there are chores and things they HAVE to do because they are part of our family and as part of our family we work hard and contribute, but if they do those things without whining, having to be asked a lot- so working on not whining and be self starters, then they get to check off that chore and then get paid based on how many checks they get.  If the whine, have to be asked a lot they still have to do it they just don’t get the extra award. 

  13. I love the idea of an app. I’ll have to check that out. Right now we are trying (STILL) to get Julia to stop sucking her thumb. She’ll goes days without doing it and then back at it. While it doesn’t truly bother me, I just don’t want her teeth to be “ruined”.

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