Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Mess or Memory? You Decide.

Together-edited-smallerBecky Kopitzke and Heidi Maranell met when Becky stopped into Heidi’s garage sale and bought a Hello Kitty bingo game. It was the best dollar she ever spent. What began as daily chats about family life, faith, and coupons grew into Haven Help Us, their new joint blog home for fellow “frazzled, flawed and fabulous” women. Join the havenistas at www.havenhelpus.com where we explore fun, simple, and effective ways of making our homes a haven—including topics on marriage, parenting, cooking, crafting, and finding time for ourselves.

things they can't say

Tidy moms, it’s time for a chat. You know who you are. When your kids ask to build a fort in the living room, you might say okay-sure-fine but really you’re calculating how many sheets and clothespins you’ll have to pry off the furniture before bedtime. I totally get that, because I am one of you—a recovering neat freak.

When parenting took over my home seven years ago, I fought to uphold my old standards for cleanliness. By the first birthday party, I finally realized I had to surrender or die. Babies spit up strained carrots, toddlers spill chocolate milk, and school-age kiddos would rather make mud pies than help their mother de-clutter closets. Motherhood is a messy life. And I want to enjoy it.

So I’m learning to tell myself this:

 Honey, you’re not making a mess. You’re making a memory.

Mess-or-Memory

 When my girls beg to tape stickers all over the house “for decoration.”

When they insist on fingerpainting a life-size poster for Dad.

When we roll a snowman in the yard then drag wet snow pants, dripping boots and soggy mittens onto my freshly scrubbed floor.

I’m usually left with a disaster. But messes can be cleaned later. Memories don’t wait.

Sure, sometimes we moms need to limit the mess before the whole family is evicted. I battle this every day. Yet there has to be a balance, see. As moms, is it more important to keep our environment tidy, or to give our children space to learn and play and grow? I don’t want my kids to grow up with memories of mom running behind them with a broom and dustpan. This house is their home, too.

So. Will you give it a try? Make some sloppy cookies, concoct a baking soda volcano, let the kids mix swimming pool water in the sandbox, for goodness sake.

You’re not really making a mess, tidy mom. You’re making a memory.

Comments

  1. Great post. Yes, I try not to worry about messes. Sometimes I do when it might stain the carpet, but for the most part I try and let it go. I made Jello with my daughter the other day. It was BRIGHT RED. Staining. But, I ignored the fact and we had fun, despite her going crazy on the stirring part and getting red dots everywhere. Most of them came out. The ones that didn’t, well, that’s what Mr. Clean’s Magic Eraser is for, right? 

    • So true, Amber! That magic eraser is a good friend of mine. I have a green spot on my countertop… it took me three months to realize it was NAIL POLISH. All in the name of a happy household. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Blessings for a happy Friday!

  2. I love how you framed this! I am the type that cringes at Play-Doh getting smashed together so I know what you mean. I’ve learned to let it go though and enjoy the mess (and let the kids help clean up- haha).

    • Oh, you’re speaking my language, Melissa! When the kids mix colors and I end up with twenty cans of tie-dye (or worse, gray) Play-Doh – I cringe, too, but Play-Doh can be replaced for cheap and my girls’ childhood is fleeting, so I intentionally shrug it off. You should see all the dried Play-Doh spots on my carpet, though. 😛

    • I don’t always wait to clean up, either Lindsey – it’s an ongoing struggle for my neat-freak brain. But I figure recognizing the issue is half the battle. I want my kids to grow up respecting their space by taking good care of it, but not at the expense of their enjoyment of life. It’s a balancing act for sure!

    • Lindsey I think you can read my mind! I am FAST to follow along behind the scissors with the garbage can to try to keep any pieces of scrap paper from even making their way onto the floor. Only problem is there are 3 kids and only 1 mom. So I am outnumbered, and it ends up on the floor anyway! 🙂 I keep reminding myself “THEY’RE JUST KIDS HEIDI.” It’s a good reminder to me to put their needs ahead of my own.

  4. Just yesterday I read a blog that reaffirmed this very thing. It is more important to ensure the happiness and creativity than to maintain all the control like I want to. 🙂 great post!

    • I still have a vivid memory of my sister and me getting stripped down behind a towel curtain that my mother held over us on the porch one day because we covered ourselves – and I mean COVERED ourselves – in wet sandbox sand. We were plastered from head to toe. And she took it all in stride, stripped us down and made us hop in the tub but never once scolded us for getting dirty. I wish I’d inherited that trait from my mother!

  6. I wrote a similar post this week, Life is Messy. I had so many people tell me, “but I hate mess.” The truth is you can’t avoid it so you might as well embrace it.

    • So true, Virginia. Before we know it, they’ll be grown and gone from the house and then we’ll be able to keep things spotless… but I’ll miss the people who used to make the mess. Funny, isn’t it?

  8. This almost made me cry.  I was always the type of person that prided myself on having a neat, clean, uncluttered house and since I had kids it’s all gone to crap.  I hate the way we live, but it’s impossible for my house to not always be in a state of chaos apparently.

    • Embrace the crap, Robin. You and I can do this together! Seriously, it’s a mental battle that will wear us down to the core unless we change our perspective. I feel your pain. But our kids sure will be happier when we let it go. Hugs to you, fellow momma!

    • Ha ha – and then there’s that stage, true. I’m in the process of trying to teach my kids to pick up one toy before they move on to another one. Wow, do they resist that idea. Thanks for reading, Melinda!

    • I read once that in order to get any reprieve from the urge to pick up after the family constantly, we have to just wear blinders. So, when my youngest goes down for a nap, I promise myself I will take a break and read or write or do something I enjoy… which means I have to slap on those blinders and tell myself the dishes are not really stacked in the sink or those baskets of laundry are not really sitting waiting to be folded. It works – temporarily! Thanks for reading, Tina!

    • I get that. Unless you really love brown speckled Play-Doh. I keep a backup supply in the closet just so I can crack open a solid color every once in a while.

  14. The OCD in me sometimes makes it hard to remember that it’s making a memory, not a mess. This was a good reminder of that!

    • Seriously, Debra, I have to say the words in my head so I don’t lose perspective. “It’s a memory, not a mess. A memory, not a mess.” Crazy but it works. Thanks for reading!

    • I am right there with you, Debra! This is especially hard for me to find the fine line between memory and mess…especially when my husband appreciates coming home to a “picked up” house. It can be a hard balance. Thanks for reading and happy Friday!

  15. This is definitely something I’ll struggle with when I become a parent someday! I also like to keep a very clean house and often wonder how my friends with children can live in such mayhem, but I am sure I’ll learn firsthand soon enough 😉

    • Oh Chelsea this was exactly me! I was the type of child who cleaned her room “for fun” when I was younger. Everything had a place, and everything IN its place. Having children is humbling and reminds me the world does not revolve around me. But I do still enjoy a nice clean house…even if only for 10 minutes! 🙂

      • Is that right, Heidi… we had similar childhoods. I was the kid who vacuumed my room every Saturday. Then my sisters crushed their footprints into my beautiful carpet and made me cry. Yet another reason I like you so much. 🙂

    • Ah, yes, Lauren – I only hope my kids will remember the memories more than they remember their mother freaking out about the mess. I wasn’t wired to be laid back about this topic, but I am training myself to appear that way, for my kids’ sake. And for my own sanity. 🙂

  21. We moved several times and so my kids were used to having a house on the market.  ie. model home clean and tidy!  Now in our new normal, i am more relaxed … that said, just told the girls we were cleaning before going out to lunch #bribery

    • OH I am so with you on this. We moved 9 times during my childhood, so we got very used to having a clean house for “showings”. Now I’m really living it up being able to not only have a messy house, but actually unpack boxes too! 😉 Thanks for reading and happy Saturday!

  22. I used to be a “clean as I go” type person, but now after Brody came along….it’s messy turned memory. We typically clean at night before we go to bed, but even that doesn’t always work. I have a great husband that doesn’t harp on cleanness!!

    • What a great guy! 😉 I like to have the house picked up before bed too. There is just something about waking up to a messy house that can set me off on the wrong foot. I have to keep reminding myself, though, that it’s memories…I can clean it up when they head to college. But I’m sure I’ll be missing the messes then! 😉

  23. Such a great post! I have always struggled to have a neat home because neat does not come naturally to me! But I am a project Mom. Recently, we made a milk jug igloo. It was the best time I have spent with my son in a long time! I highly recommend making memories!

    • Ooh that sounds like an interesting project! Good job, Mom, on memory making! I’m sure you’re son will remember the fun of working on it with you. Happy Saturday!

  25. I am such a tidy mom in that I do not like my kids even playing in the snow because of the mess it tracks in! I need to adopt this memories, and not messes attitude. 

  26. This is so true – messes can surely wait. How fun that Heidi and Becky met at a yard sale. You just never know when a chance encounter will turn into a beautiful relationship.

  27. Oh, this really resonated with me! I used to be a neat freak like Monica Geller on the show Friends. I finally realized how important it was to let my two boys be messy, get messy, make messes. The trick for me is getting them to help me clean up before we move on to anything else. They now know it’s just part of the process, so we can make memories and still have a good time.

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