Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Letting Him Go It Alone: Pour Your Heart Out

There are some homework assignments that come home that make me roll my eyes because they aren’t homework for the kids, they are homework for the parents.

I’m not complaining about having to help my kids with their homework- I feel like that’s part of a parent’s job. But I do think that kids should need minimal help or the assignment isn’t appropriate. Homework should be a practice of skills already taught.

Projects tend to be the worst. Like my first grader having to make a t-shirt with 100 items on it for the 100th day of school. He doesn’t sew and so this ended up falling more on me than him(even though I don’t sew either- we had to get creative).

100 Minions, cut out from duct tape

100 Minions, cut out from duct tape

For most projects like this with my boys, I’ve tried to find ways that my boys can do as much of the work as possible since they are the ones who are supposed to be learning from these assignments. And besides, in grades K-2, the kids’ report cards only show if they are on grade level, below, or above, based on individual assessments, with the projects simply being for experience.

But my oldest is in third grade, the first year of letter grades. The year when if I just let my son go ahead and do these things on his own, his grade will be lower than the kid who sits next to him whose mom does his entire project.

And it made me reconsider a little bit. I don’t have to do the whole project, but maybe I should help out more so he can get that A.

But I shook it off and decided with his latest big project, I’d offer my help, but only with what my son wanted help with, only if he really needed help.

And with his latest project(a Living Wax Museum), he did the research himself(his nickname from the librarian is “the biography king”), wrote his speech, planned his costume, and put together his power point presentation.

He asked for help in finding where the timeline templates were on power point, but then he completed it himself. He asked me to find him a bow tie and white hairspray. But that was it.

Thomas Edison

Thomas Edison

He had the rest of it. He even told me that he went through the grading rubric and he had everything he needed to have.

He practiced his presentation with me and I had to squelch the urge to make suggestions for other things that he could add. That would be teaching him how to do a better presentation, right? It would help him learn…

But, no. I didn’t. I let him go it alone because it was his project, not mine. And he was perfectly happy with what he’d come up with.

And he did awesome. Awesome. And the grade he’ll get, he earned all on his own. Even though I think he deserves an A.

How much do you help your kids with their school projects?

Since my middle son is now in third grade and he just had to do a balloon powered car project on his own, it brought to mind this post, so I’m resharing it now.

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Comments

  1. Love the hundred minions! That was seriously an assignment? I agree – homework should be practice of skills already taught – well said. My first-grader’s teacher this year is awesome; she gives homework on Mondays, due on Fridays, so the kids have the entire week to work on it, according to whatever works best in the family’s busy schedule. At her age, one of us still sits with her while she does her work, making sure she’s following the instructions, and we provide help when she asks, but she likes to work full speed ahead and get it done. You must be so proud of your son’s Thomas Edison project!

    • It was! I read that one and thought geez, there’s no way they really expect kids to do this! Most of my first grader’s homework is reasonable- he has a weekly folder like yours. The majority, he can do completely on his own, though I do supervise. My third grader’s homework takes much longer and he has projects like the Thomas Edison one more frequently. I thought he did a great job.

  2. Cass is doing research for HER living waz museum and it is coming up soon! I love that he is doing it so beautifully and independently Shell! He is growing UP! 🙂 SO adorable that boy!

    • Oh fun, who did she pick? And thanks- I think he’s a cutie. I can’t believe how grown up he is already.

  3. Wow… what a smart & responsible boy you have!  You must be so freakin proud!!!  And I commend you for your self control!  My son is nearly 13 and academically gifted (unfortunately, he did NOT get that from me)… so I never really felt bad when he would give me the “I got this mommy” because I’m sure my help/ideas would only hurt his grades.  lol.  High-Five to you!!!!

    • Ha! I think I’ve realized just how grown my son is and how much he can do on his own if I just butt out!

  4. You are a GREAT mom, Shell. I firmly believe in what you do too – that kids should do their own homework and assignments – that’s part of the learning process, yes?

    • Thanks, Alison! I figure the earlier he learns that these projects are his responsibility, the better. I don’t want him to be handing me his senior project and telling me to do it!

  5. I try not to help my children with their homework too much, but I do supervise to make sure it gets done.  That being said things like 100 day projects definitely need parental help.  Thank goodness it wasn’t require to be on a shirt where we live.  Never would have happened.  We did 100 minecraft things.    Way to go on the older one doing the Thomas Edison project himself.  Wow, and quite a project for a third grader.  What I really need to know is where did you get the bow tie?  My older one wants to wear one to school – he thinks he is Dr. Who.  

    • I do supervise my first grader’s homework. He doesn’t need much help, but he does need help staying on track. My third grader likes to do his in his room at his desk, away from his brothers, though he comes to me if he’s stuck on something(especially his math since he’s working on fourth grade math so sometimes he needs a problem explained since he’s not learning it in class).
      I found the bowtie for $1.99 at the party supply store. They had them with the dress-up supplies(clown costumes!) in a rainbow of colors.

  6. Pretty impressive how much of that he did on his own! It’s so hard letting them do it on their own–good joy with your self-control–sounds like he had it under control himself, though 🙂 I WISH mine would take initiative with projects like that. Homework–yeah, he’s own his own. But project are like pulling fingernails out.

    • My middle hates projects and I have to help him a lot more or they would never get done. He only zooms through his homework b/c he knows he can’t play until it’s done. Anyway, I just hope that my oldest’s teacher sees the effort and understands that he did do it all on his own.

  7. I really don’t help much. Especially with projects because I am not crafty. I just let my kids have fun and do their best. So when they bring in their projects, you can tell THEY did it. I like to point out which ones the parents did as I walk in the school. I’m usually going, “Parent did that…parent…parent…parent..” under my breath. 

    • I do the same thing with projects. It’s pretty obvious when the parents did them! When I was teaching, I tended to be much more lenient in grading the projects that I knew were done by the kids and then tougher on the ones that were done by parents!

  8. Good for you!  It is so hard to stand back and let them do it, especially yes knowing that some parents are going to do it all.  That doesn’t do the kids any good though, yes you should be there to help and even guide but they need to learn to do it themselves.  He is the cutest Thomas Edison! 

    • It really doesn’t do them any good- except for the grade! Hopefully, his teacher is smart enough to realize who did the work on their own.

  9. You have an adorable 3rd grader! I love his Thomas Edison costume and I know you must be so proud of him! It sounds as though he put a lot of hard work and effort into his project which means you’ve helped him by showing him how important it is to do a good job! 

    My oldest is in Kinder – when it comes to homework/projects I typically give her directions on what to do and let her take a stab at it first. Sometimes we have to do it together though. 

    • Thanks- he put a lot of work into it! I have to guide my first grader a little more. He can do most assignments on his own, but needs a little more help just staying on track.

  10. With pinterest being so big its hard not to get involved. Last year Bailey had to make a self portrait. I saw the ones hanging on the walls at the school and it was quite obvious that parents did it. I didn’t I let him do it. It may have been the ‘worst’ looking one up there but my baby was proud of his work and HE did it…not me. I think parents should really step back and let their children be creative. They’ll never learn to do so if we do it for them all the time.

    • I keep thinking that I have no desire for my kids to be handing me their middle school and high school projects and expecting me to do them. So I need to start early, letting them do it on their own(or at least what they can).

  12. Wow look at him! I bet you were so proud, and he definitely deserves an A! I know I am going to struggle with this as my boys get older. Thanks for sharing this and letting him learn his own path!

  13. OMG, Shell–I love this so much. Kudos to you for letting your son go at it alone, which I KNOW must have difficult (I would have had to fight the urge to offer helpful suggestions, too). But you’re absolutely right. What will he learn if he doesn’t experience the process from start to finish on his own? You gave him a great gift there 🙂 Also he looks so handsome as Thomas Edison. And I love the minion shirt! 

    Also, what the hell?? Is this really happening? I have a very hands-off approach to doing homework. I hated doing my own work when I was growing up; are you saying I have this to look forward to one day? Hmph. 

  14. Yes, Shell. It’s SO important for children to learn to do things on their own. Your son should be proud of himself. He totally deserves an A.

  15. Good good for you! That is such a hard thing to just step back and let it all go like that, but imagine what amazing skills he is learning, you are truly helping prepare him to succeed,

  16. My son is working on a project about Kenya right now and one aspect is all the parents: he has to provide a sampling of the country’s food for all 18 classmates! So obviously I have to go get ingredients. He’ll probably help me make it but aside from that, I am backing off. I had him do the reading and take note yesterday. I agreed to print some pictures he needs on my color printer at work but he’s typing and printing and cutting and pasting. It’s hard drawing that line though.

  17. I know how hard hard hard it is to sit back and let your kids do their own work when they are earning GRADES for the first time and other parents are doing the work for their children. It sounds like you’re doing it right, Shell, letting him discover what is more important: the learning, not the letter.

    Of course rationally we all know an A or a B or a C in third grade really won’t have an impact on college acceptances (ha! thankfully!) but comparisons are hard to avoid; as long as he is proud of himself and feels YOUR pride in him (which I’m sure he does!) he’ll be far better off than any kid who receives an A for false perfection.

  18. I’m still traumatized by a 5th grade project. We had to make a covered wagon and my parents never helped me. They wanted me to learn so I was on my own. No big deal, my covered wagon looked like a 5th grader made it. Every other kid had a perfect wagon, two bought from Michael’s that got As BTW. It was obvious that I was the only kid that did the project on her own. And I got an F! I was humiliated in front of the class when the teacher said it looked horrible when it was time for me to present it. I went home in tears. My mom went to the school and fought for me but the teacher would only give me a D.

    So I’m the mom who helps enough that they don’t have my experience. I won’t do it for them, but I do jump in a little more than I should. I hate school projects. My Kindergartners have done 2 so far this year and it was way beyond their capabilities. What’s the point in that? Send home something that a 5 year old can do or don’t send it home at all.

    • When I was teaching, I graded much easier on the projects I knew were made by students and was a lot more picky on the ones I knew were made by parents. 😉 This week’s project for my third grader of making a balloon powered car was definitely more than he could do on his own. He did what he could and it looks like he helped for sure. It all depends on the project, how much we’ll help. No one should have an experience like yours!

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