Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

Let’s Talk About S-e-x: Things They Can’t Say

things they can't sayDianne is a momma of three wonderful boys, a wife to an incredible and patient husband, and a former preschool/daycare center director. After having her third son, whom she refers to as her saving grace, she decided to become a stay at home mom.  On her down time, (wait, she has down time as a SAHM?!) she reads, writes book reviews and crochets. She’s also a semi-blogger and uses this platform as a way to get out of her comfort zone and push herself to share and discover new things.

A few weeks ago, I found a startling note in my oldest son’s, who is 10 years old, backpack. My first and initial reaction to the content of the note was to get angry but it was also enough to give me pause and make me think.

It was time. Time to have the talk I was dreading and kept prolonging but knew I needed to have. It was time to talk about S-E-X. Oh boy, this was going to be fun. Not!

See, it wasn’t my son’s fault for what was written on that note. I couldn’t get angry at him and punish him. He wasn’t informed. He wasn’t educated on sex. He knew next to nothing about sex and body parts.

Initially, while I prolonged the sex talk, I had a plan in my mind on how it was going to happen and when. I wanted my 8 year old in on the conversation too. I figured it’d be easier to give both of them the same info at the same time. Plus my 10 year old wouldn’t have the burden of knowing this and not talking to someone else about it, besides his parents.

As we all know, in parenting, no matter how much you plan, life has a way of rearranging things for you and forcing you to take a different course of action. So, I just rolled with it.

When his dad got home, I broke the news to him. His initial reaction, too, was to get angry. After both of us talking about it, he also realized it was time for the S-E-X talk.

I was not about to have the sex talk with my son alone. I was also not about to let my husband have the sex talk alone with our son. Call it control issues, if you will, (and really that’s what a major part of it is) but I needed to be involved in that conversation. Not because I don’t trust my husband or because of control issues but because I want my son to see us as a united front on this. I want him to know that he can come to either of us should he need to.

We called our son in and spoke about the note, then it happened. We asked “what do you know about sex?”. All he knew was a man and woman goes into the room and gets in bed together. That’s all. That’s all he knew about sex.

Part of me was so ever grateful that that was all he knew but another part of me was terrified that that was all he knew. I was grateful that he still had his innocence but terrified because he wasn’t armed with information on sex. In this fast paced world not being educated and informed can be a hinderance to a person. Granted, he would have learned but learned in the wrong way.

The conversation lasted longer than what I thought it would last but it went well. We were thorough and informative. We covered EVERYTHING. He walked away from the conversation feeling better and empowered about sex. I walked away from the conversation with mixed emotions.

I knew it was time for the sex talk buy my heart wasn’t ready. See, as much as I wanted my son to be informed I also wanted him to remain as innocent as he could, for as long as I could keep him that way.

dianneandchristion

Looking back, it feels great to know that my son knows about sex. And if I’m being honest, as scared and terrified as I was to have the sex talk, it went a lot easier than I thought it would go.

As far as sex talks go, one down and two to go as I have two more sons to have this conversation with. I’m sure it’ll get easier. BTW, my 8 year old just asked if condoms are used to prevent babies… Oh boy, here I go again.

 

Comments

    • The note mentioned private body parts. So we had to talk about respecting each other’s privates. That’s when I decided to just have that talk with him. It was time and I felt it was. 

      • i think i would have done exactly the same thing.  My kids have been asking more questions- oddly, my 6 year old son the most, so we’re telling them what they can handle.  we’re of the mindset here in our house that we’d like our kids to know what WE want them to know in a time and manner that is developmentally appropriate

    • Yes, it is hard. Having him get the info from his parents is what I would want rather then from his friends. Granted, it will happen as he gets older but at least he knows, hopefully, that he can come to us with questions. 

  3. Wow! As a mother of a 22, 16, and 14 year old children, I don’t know if I ever had the S-E-X talk with them at 10 yet alone 8. I guess different times calls for different measures. Glad you had the courage to deal with it instead of letting it slide. Thanks for sharing!

    • I agree, different times do call for different measures. With my oldest, I knew it was soon time. I wanted my 8 year old in on the conversation because he is quite mature and I feel he could handle it. However, I think I will be having that conversation with him sooner rather than later as he did ask me what condoms were. So, sex is being talked about in school. Maybe not as the act itself but more of facts. 

  4. Knowing when to have those conversations can be difficult. We have an ongoing dialogue with our kids about private parts, but haven’t hit on the s-e-x topic yet. They are 1, 5, and 6 so I hope I have a few years.

  5. We’ve had that talk about private parts being private and we don’t talk about it with no one and being safe and all that. I guess we have to figure out when it’s best to have the conversation. 

    • I agree with you, Clancy. It is a very delicate subject and parents should approach it as they see fit for their families. 

      Thank you for reading and commenting. 

  7. Sounds like you handled it perfectly. And I like the idea of having both parents there instead of letting Dad talk to the boys and Mom talk to the girls. Any chance you’d be willing to post a transcript of that conversation? I could use a script! 🙂

    • Thank you, Melissa. I wish I could share a transcript! LOL Honestly, we just went with it. We both piggy backed on what each other said. It helps that my hubby and I have similar views on sex. It was also very important that both of be there together. It may seem overwhelming for the child but a united front is best, not for the parents’ sake but the child’s. If that makes sense. I wanted my son to know he can come to any of us with any questions and not feel limited to only speaking to one of us. 

    • That it is. However, I do feel better having had that conversation with him. I think that I can now be more open with him without having to skirt around some questions, if that makes sense. 

      Thanks for reading and commenting. 

  9. Thanks for this. I recently took my 9year old to a park, and as he was standing and reading one of the signs at the park, he turned and asked me “how do you sex?” I figured out he was reading a huge warning sign against sex offenders in the park (was that really necessary? Don’t they know?) and so explained to him what that meant. However, since then there have been lots of questions about “sexing” so we are about to have the talk as well. I hope it can go as smoothly!

    • I hope it goes smoothly too! It definitely is best to just answer and go from there. I think when there’s trepidation on our part, they sense it and they in turn become nervous about asking. Thanks for reading and commenting. 

  10. I’m glad you were able to keep a calm, level head and look at the situation rationally. Every parent dreads that one day when they’ll need to break out ‘The Talk’ but I think you and your husband handled it great!

    • Thanks Kayla. Keeping level headed and calm is the best way to talk about sex with kids. I didn’t want to fly off the handle and make sex seem dirty and shameful. Thanks for reading and commenting. 

    • I agree about it being more conversational than a lecture, per se. I hope it gets better for you. I think that once you show you are comfortable, even though you may be cringing inside, it might be easier. 

  13. I agree to having the talk together, we have with both of our older children.  Then we take a few minutes to talk to him/her individually so they we can let them ask some they might not want to ask infront or with the other parent.  We have a very open door policy and would rather them talk with us then another student.  

    • That’s a very good idea for the next time we need to have the talk with our 2 other boys. I want to have that same open door policy with my boys and show them that they can come to me. After all, as their mom I will need to be able to be there for my kids with no reservations. I’ll need to put on my big girl pants and be ready for tough(er) conversations with them. 

  15. Great post! I have two boys. They are only 5 and 2 right now, but I know before we know it, we will be having the sex talk as well. Like you, I want to be there, even if the hubs is doing all of the talking.

  16. I’m not sure my parents ever had this conversation with me! Ha! I don’t remember it. Things are different now so I know I will have to think about that in the future. 

    • My mom never had this conversation with me. At least I don’t remember it, lol Having this conversation with my boys was, and still is, so important to me. I want them to know they can come to us. 

  17. My daughter gets embarrassed very easily, so we bought her a book that covered everything. And I mean everything there could possibly be involving sex. It was age appropriate and I gave her a notebook and told her to jot down any questions. I would then answer those questions back in the notebook. Seems like a sissy way to have the talk, but it really did work well for her.

    • That is a wonderful and great idea for kids who are more reserved. I’ll have to remember that. I do plan on getting a book for my oldest that discusses sex and puberty, so he can have it. I like the idea of a notebook for questions, too. 

  18. Sounds like you handled this great! Our oldest is turning 11 and he’s asked a ton of questions and so far he’s been pretty easy to talk to and explain things too – however most of he he already learned at school from
    Other kids so we really just had to explain in a nicer way and squash anything he was unsure of or misinformation. We have 5 other kids this will be coming up with again too!

    • Thanks! They definitely start picking things up from school at this age. I’m glad that he is coming to you with questions and is not scared about it. Some kids are. It’s that misinformation that I wanted to avoid with my boys. BUT I do know that they are still going to hear things from their friends. 

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  20. Sounds like you totally have this under control. I think you handled this very well. My sister and I laugh to this day about how my mother had the “sex talk” with us. First of all it was way too late by the time she decided to “educate” us. We were in Junior High and already pretty much knew what was going on at that point. She also didn’t really talk to us…she had us listen to a record provided by the Catholic Church. She was not in the room with us when we listened to it and so all my sister and I did was sit there and giggle and laugh. This of course happened back in the late 60s and that kind of explains it all, LOL.  Bless my mothers heart. It must have been hard for her.

    • That’s funny, Pam. You got more than I got from my mom. I agree that by junior high kids already know the basics. It’s a tough conversation for moms to have. I can’t imagine how I would be like if I had girls. I’d figure it out but still. lol 

  21. We’ve had the talk with three of four.  Three down, one to go (but hopefully not for a long, long while on the last one). 🙂

    • It’s good that you’ve had some practice under your belt! 🙂 Though, I imagine it’s still a bit hard to have that conversation, especially with the last one. Good luck!

    • Yes, you do have a while! LOL It’s never to early to start thinking of it though. Remember though that whatever plan you have in mind may just go out the window due to unforeseen circumstances.  

  23. The topic of sex can really be sensitive, especially when you have to take into consideration the culture and norm of the society. There are just so many things that can happen if you don’t talk about sex with your children and there are also many things that can happen if you don’t. So either way, it’ll be better to take the time to talk about this very important subject. After all, it will be great for children hear about their first sex education from their responsible, loving and caring parents, rather than from other people who might just take advantage of their innocence. 

    • They really are, Katherine. I’m glad we took advantage of the moment. I’m a firm, firm believer in teachable moments. 

  25. I’m glad you made the decision. Gosh, I remember that my mom had put the sex talk off onto my oldest sister (who was already married and had children of her own). LOL! My mom just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Afterwards though, we were able to talk about it together.

    • It’s great that you had a big sister to talk to. I wonder if it’s easier that way. I know my boys will eventually discuss sex, as they are close. 

    • They do look at things differently. I know for my husband, he definitely wanted to be there. I’m sure he felt it was his responsibility to do so, which I agree to a certain extent. As a mom, I needed to be there and it really worked out well. 

  28. 1. I never got the talk. We had HBO, though, and for a short time, the Playboy channel. And I tried to learn as much as I could in the checkout line from Cosmo promos. I somehow turned out OK, but it could have really been convenient to have someone sit me down and spell it out.

    2. I have three girls. Two have gone off for an afternoon of a hike and a talk with their mom. They’ve all come back perfectly normal. The first one also brought a stuffed owl from a gift shop, so for a while, I kept associating owls with sex. I’m over that, now.

    3. I’m glad you took this one on together and head-on. Think about how confusing life was when we were that age. Life, death, birds, bees, Santa Claus. The imagination takes you in a million directions. To have a parent help you navigate through part of it? Kind of awesome. 

    • Ha! I remember HBO and watching Red Shoe Diaries, lol I got a lot of my sex education from different things and friends. I don’t remember sex ed in school though.
      It is great to have parents there to help you through some things in life. 

  29. My husband had the talk with our son at age 10 as well.  We don’t try to shy away from the subject….it’s how we all were made and a kid needs to know how things work once they become curious about it.

    • Yes, they should know how things work before they do become curious. It gives me courage to read other parents not shying away from the subject, lol. 

  30. As a former teacher I saw so many students whose parents never took the time to have “the talk” with them. So many of them only knew what their friends told them, which was often wrong. In a conversation about breast feeding, in a child development class I was teaching, I had a sophomore who told me that she always thought that you went to the doctor and he gave you a shot of milk and that’s how you were able to breast feed. It’s so important that parents have the talk so that young people are armed with the right information. 

    • Oh wow, Crystal! That’s exactly why it was so important for us to have the talk with our oldest, and the other two when the time is right. 

  31. Oh wow. It must have been tough to have that conversation, but it’s necessary. I kind of wish that my parents were more open to talking about it when I had questions. 

    • It was tough. I think tougher on me than on him because I put so much unnecessary pressure and expectations on myself when I didn’t need to. He was very receptive, open and curious. Often times, we (or rather me) underestimate our children and don’t think they can handle a situation, when clearly they can.

    • As long as you know your son can handle and you now it is time, I say go for it before he gets the info from others and you have to re-educate him on things. 

  33. I need to have this talk with my daughter who’s 8. I’m trying to hold off until I can’t any longer. lol

    • It does seem like it. I agree with you. And you’re right, they are learning the ways of the world at younger and younger ages. Very sad and very scary. 

  35. Oh mama! I don’t know the first thing about how to explain sex to a child without it coming off as something strange. There are tons of resources online now to help start the conversation, though. I’m glad that you and your husband were both involved, and that he knows that he can come to either of you with his questions! 

  36. I can’t say I’m looking forward to having that talk. I have little time. My kids are 4 and 1. Honestly, these days, kids move pretty fast. Who knows how soon my time is coming. 

  37. You’ll know when it’s time to have the talk. You do have time and I do hope that it’s later rather than sooner.