Things I Can't Say

Tips and Tales from an Introverted Mom

It’s Okay to Hate Breastfeeding: Pour Your Heart Out

I seemed like a crunchy mama. I exclusively breastfed all three of my babies.

I did the extended breastfeeding thing past a year for all of them.

Because my first two are so close in age, I even breastfed through a pregnancy and then tandem nursed.

I know the benefits and never mind sharing tips with moms who have questions about breastfeeding(though only if asked- otherwise, I have a your boobs, your business philosophy when it comes to breastfeeding).

But there were times, as a new mom, when I thought that maybe I was making the wrong choice. When I felt like I hated breastfeeding.

i hate breastfeeding

My oldest’s style of feeding was described in some breastfeeding book I read as a piranha.  He ate viciously. He was also a snacker, which meant I was feeding him more often.

There were days when I felt like all I did was nurse him.

And while some of it was sweet(ah, look, my little darling is getting so big, all from nourishment from my body- what a miracle)… there were days when I just wanted a break.

All that cuddling was special… until I felt like I was all touched out and omg, can I just have a second to myself???

Those middle of the night feedings were always mine because I had the milk. And while bottles were a possibility, one of my boys hated them and for the others, I’d end up having to pump later anyway- and I’d rather just feed them than have to pump. Plus it would have taken more effort to wake Hubs up to have him feed one of the babies than for me to nurse.

While I did love the ease of always having their food with me when we were out and about(I used to joke that I breastfed because I was too lazy to deal with bottles), if I were out without them, I had to worry about if they had enough milk for whoever was watching them and if I’d need to find a place to pump.

And then there was the odd difference in flow/supply between my left side and my right. Right was always an easy flow while left was slow. My oldest took exception to this and starting at about 3 months, refused to nurse from my left side at all: he’d scream and cry and fight until he got on the other side. And while I was able to feed him with just one side(if moms of twins can nurse two babies with two boobs, I could feed my one with one), I then had a 2 cup+ difference between the two sides and had to wear a chicken cutlet in my left side so it wasn’t so obvious. But like I wasn’t already self-conscious enough about my new-mom body. While I fixed this issue with my other two by always having them start on my weaker side at every feeding, it still sticks out as a bad memory.

Whenever anyone would make a comment about how great it was that I was breastfeeding or think that because I was a bf mom that I’d join in with their formula-bashing, it made me so uncomfortable. I sometimes looked at formula moms with longing and jealousy.  Because I didn’t love every moment of breastfeeding and I could totally see myself giving it up. Especially if I had to pump for most of the feedings- I know I would have stopped.

I did stick with it for all three of my babies: I had enough supply(even with my weird difference in side issue), I was home with them and didn’t have to pump, and having gone from a two income family to a one income family had me fearing having to pay for formula. And of course I heard the chorus of a million books/websites/doctors/and my mother screaming that breast is best.

But I’d be lying if I said that I loved every second of it: I did in fact, HATE some parts of it. And when one of my sils gave it up, thinking I’d give her a lecture about it, the only words I had for her were “Good for you! Now go have some vodka.”

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Comments

  1. I just had my second baby less than 2 weeks ago- and yep, I still hate breastfeeding. I’ll do it this time just like I did the first time, but I’m glad I’m not the only one who isn’t a fan.

    • Oh and I REALLY hated it at the beginning. B/c it felt like broken shards of glass being sucked out of me. I hope you are past that point!

      Your little boy is such a cutie pie. 🙂

  2. There are definitely pluses and minuses for breastfeeding — have to agree that the convenience factor really was a plus…I’ve done bottles for hungry babies I’ve babysat before, and not having to juggle a baby and mix formula, especially at night was a big plus! But my son was one of those voracious eaters, too….

  3. I mostly loved breastfeeding, except for having to pump when I went back to work, waking up in the middle of the night, and the very beginning when trying to establish breastfeeding with my first child. The pumping, I’d say, was the worst for me. I LOATHED that pump. LOATHED it.

    • I give you SO much credit for pumping! I really think I would have quit if I’d had to. Though most days I wasn’t even guaranteed a bathroom break at work, so I’m doubting I would have been given pumping breaks!

      • As a teacher, bathroom breaks are nonexistent. I pumped before school, during planning, and after school. I would put something up on the window of my door to block view, lock it, and PRAY no one with a key come into my room. It did not make for a very relaxing pumping environment. But, we made it a year in a half with the Big Guy and 13 or 14 months with Squeaker. The only reason I didn’t make it longer with Squeaker is because my school in Fayetteville was less accommodating. I just didn’t have the time or space and pumped in the bathroom and it SUCKED.

  4. I so hated it! My breasts ached and cracked. I wanted some space. I did it for nearly two years with each kid but man, I was so happy to be free again. And I never breastfed in public. I just didn’t feel comfortable with doing so. 

    • I think it’s one benefit to being small-chested. I never had problems bf’ing in public.

      But yes- I was so happy to be done each time!

  5. I found this fascinating, even though I don’t have kids of my own yet.   From watching friends of mine, I can see how hard of a job it is to be a mom and breastfeed.  I always thought it was sad that women are made to feel bad if they don’t stick with it.  Haha, thank you for telling it like it is.  Now I know what I have to look forward one day, all the good and the bad.

    • Don’t get me wrong- there are great benefits to it and it’s not all bad- but it’s definitely not all rosey, either!

  6. I’m a maternity nurse so everyone just assumed I’d be all about breastfeeding. I gave it a shot with both babies, but I knew it wasn’t working and I wasn’t going to beat myself up about it. I did catch a good bit of flack from some people after I gave it up, but it was the better decision for us.

    • And I bet you are able to provide great reassurance to new moms who are deciding not to!

  7. I hated breastfeeding. Pretty much every moment of it for the entire year I did it. I also believe it contributed greatly to my postpartum depression – but for all the reasons you mentioned (being too lazy to do bottles? Yep!) I would probably do it again. Sigh. 

  8. I breastfed the first for 18 months, and currently, my youngest is 14 months and still going strong.
    I don’t hate it, but I’m not in love with it. It’s just something I do for my kids because it’s good for them, for me, and I will admit this: I’m too lazy to go down the bottle/ pumping route. It doesn’t help that neither of my boys like the bottle. I have had mastitis, blocked ducts, those painful white milk blisters, and very bitey babies. Still, I wouldn’t change a thing. But, I will rejoice the day we stop (as to when, I don’t know, I hope to wean by 18 months).

    However, I do not hate on non-breastfeeding mamas. We all just do what we have to do, right? As long as the babies get fed.

    • I think we are completely on the same page, Alison!

      I had mastitis with only one of mine and the memory of it is enough to make me visibly cringe!

  9. I hated breastfeeding.  I felt all this pressure (mostly from my mom) to do it, so I did exclusively breastfeed my first two children.  When my son was born, he was such a voracious eater I felt like all I ever did was nurse and I just wanted my body back so at 8 months I weaned him and I felt great afterwards.  Baby number four was never exclusively breastfed and by 3 months she was exclusively bottle fed.  I make sure to share my breastfeeding story with any new mom that is asking questions because I think their is a lot of subtle pressure put on new moms to love breastfeeding and the truth is, not every one does.  And it should be okay to not enjoy breastfeeding! No new mom needs that guilt added to sleepless night and dirty diapers!

    • My mother is a huge breastfeeding proponent. To the point of being all boob-nazi-like about it.

      She was very judgmental about others quitting and I think that caused me to lash back at her about it. I actually wrote this right after I got off the phone with her where she was bashing my sil for stopping. It was inspiration. 😉

  10. I formula fed my first 4 and have ebf this one. I will say that yes I love it but I have also always said about mothering that you have to do what is right for you.  While I hope I encourage others to at least think about breastfeeding to tell someone they have to do it would be like me telling someone they had to dye their hair red. People need to know that breastfeeding is not always easy. I go through my touched out days where I feel like if one other person touches me I will scream. Love the honesty in this post!

    • The irony is that I’ve actually helped many friends(and my sils) with breastfeeding. But I just hate the pressure that some moms feel, like they have to do it. Or that every single moment of it is magical.

  11. I hated it. I remember loving it at first with Nico but then he ended up in the Nicu and breastfeeding him led to a reopened C-section incision (I know. Yuck). I was ordered to stop and so thankful that someone told me I couldn’t. With the twins, I cried for the week I did it. I missed bottle feeding and wanted help at night. With Gia, I didn’t even make it out of the hospital without switching. You know it is bad when the lactation nurse is horrified by your nipple that looked like it went through a meat grinder. I hated when people would tell me how natural it was because it felt like my body once again betrayed me by not being good at doing it. I love this post of honesty. I wish more people would admit this.

    • For about 2 weeks, my doctor thought that my youngest was twins. And my very first response(okay, my second, b/c my first was “I thought 3 3 and under was going to be hard, but 4 under 4???) was “well, then, I’m not breastfeeding. Damn, formula for two is going to be pricey.”

      Because I just knew that having a 3 y/o, a 2y/o and then newborn twins… there was just no way I personally could get through that breastfeeding.

      Doctor was wrong and my youngest was only 1. 😉

  12. As one of “those” moms who wanted to breastfeed but could not (not enough supply… I was starving my baby), I appreciate your non-judgmental perspective, Shell. A dear friend of mine sent me a note a few weeks into new motherhood that said, “God determines who your child will be; not your breast milk.” How I clung to those words!

    • Such a perfect note!

      One of my friends had her baby two weeks after I had my first. And she desperately wanted to bf. She asked for my help, she was at the lactation consultant every day for weeks. She pumped, she took supplements, she tried everything. And it just didn’t work. I can’t see judging someone for that, you know? And it made me realize there’s no point in judging regardless.

  13. I couldn’t do it – I tried with all of them but I just couldn’t do it – my body was refusing to for some reason but I did give it the “old college try!” – but yeah, I know many women that swear that they love breastfeeding and I seriously ask them to stop lying because I know its not all roses and daisies. Oh and I love this part! “I have a your boobs, your business philosophy” it made me smile and snicker at the same time 😉

    • It sums it up, though, doesn’t it?

      I don’t believe ANYTHING is all roses and daisies!

  14. I had an overactive right boob as well!  I breastfed all three times and while I’m glad I did, I certainly didn’t love every moment of it.  I love your honesty in this post. 

    • Oh definitely- I don’t look back and regret it. But it definitely wasn’t all sunshine!

  15. I completely agree. It’s not all perfect, not even remotely. I exclusively pumped my first because we could not seem to get the hang of nursing at all and I breastfed my second. I did both for exactly a year and stopped. And it was hard. Of course there were nice moments but there was also the I have no life outside my boobs moments. And the leaking. And engorgement. Not fun!

    • Exclusively pumped? Wow, that is impressive! By my third, I got the hang of the pump, but was never a fan.

  16. Well said, Shell. I’m grateful for your support of all moms, whatever their choice.

    My biggest issue with breastfeeding is when the self-righteous judge you for going the formula route without knowing your story. When we were pregnant with our first, our birthing class leader was adamant that we all breastfeed, that if we didn’t we were basically losers. Well, our first was 4 weeks early, barely over 5 pounds, and too weak to feed. I spent a few weeks crying my eyes out in guilt and sleeplessness because I couldn’t be the good mom I was supposed to be. What a waste! My oldest is expecting her first any day, and I will be sure to support her in whatever decision she makes. 

    • It’s so true that everyone has their own story. I have friends and family members who tried SO hard to bf and just couldn’t.

  17. I nursed all 6 of my children, it was not all happy cuddles and floating on rainbows but it worked for me. Some were exculsively breast feed and other were supplemented additionally depending in our circumstances at the time, work…etc.

    I will never judge another woman as it is ultimately a personal choice. It takes alot of time and energy and for some it just doesn’t work. In the end what matters is a healthy baby.

    • Exactly. Someone else’s decision to bf or not doesn’t affect me so I don’t judge!

  18. I treasured being able to breastfeed my children and while I respect everyone’s right to choose, I admit that when I look at someone who chooses not to, I feel a little pang of sadness because it was something I was so grateful to do. That said, it’s not easy and it’s not pretty. I look at my poor sister, who’s baby has a high-arch palette AND tongue tie AND major food sensitivities and I see how hard she works to nourish her baby, truly feeling that formula would be worse due to the allergies issues and it just brings it all home. It’s NOT for everyone!

    • Oh wow, that’s so hard! I’m sorry your sister is dealing with that.

      I was lucky and breastfeeding came easily for me (aside for initial soreness and then the side issue) but it felt very draining at times (no pun intended) and I really thought that if it hadn’t been easy for me, I probably would have quit.

  19. It was a love/hate thing for me. Breastfeeding was not easy for me.  I had supply issues and had to supplement with formula for both of my boys as they grew. I felt guilty about it, like there was something wrong with me that I could do this most natural of things. But I did love that connection I felt with both of them, nursing  in those quiet moments. 

    • I’ve heard so many stories from women who tried and couldn’t. It makes me angry at those who are smug about their experiences or who judge.

  20. I love this! I did the breastfeeding thing for a few months and while I wish I had stuck it out longer, it became an issue because I had to go back to work. I was lazy (my own words for myself) and my boy didn’t care either way. He was way too easy and that’s why I’m convinced God won’t give us another because we will go into shock.

    I think I’ll subscribe to your “Your boobs, Your business” philosophy. I’m blessed to be surrounded by people who treated me that way as well!

  21. I breastfed both of my kids but only until they were about 6 months old. I wanted to breastfeed, I wanted all the benefits, but I new going in that I would get tired of having the feeding responsibility being only on me. And I of course felt horrible for feeling that way. But in the end they got 6 months of breast milk and about 4 months of formula. And they are fine. I am fine. If someone wants to breastfeed awesome. If they want to formula feed awesome. I think each mother should do what she wants to do and that no one should make her feel bad about it either way. I did use a pump too but your right it was a lot easier to simple feed the baby rather than pump.

  22. I had the EXACT same experience in SO many ways Shell!!! My right boob was HUGE because it was getting much more action because of the same reason. I loved and hated it and all those things you said… what a perfect post- it rings so true to way back when I was in those breastfeeding days myself. GREAT post!! 🙂

    • Wasn’t it just so awkward having gigantic super boob? I pushed through it but I hated that part!

  23. I totally, 100% get it. I didn’t bf all 4 of mine. Basically just the last 2. Both times in the beginning I hated it. Then I was overcome with guilt for even fathoming that I hated bf. But it hurt. My milk didn’t arrive for almost a week each time. My left side is also my slacker boob…both babies prefer the right side for whatever reason.

    I now love bf my last baby (and eventually loved bf baby #3), but I’ll never be a formula basher as I was a formula feeder for 2 babes. 

    Love this post, Shell!!

    • Oh, it totally sucks in the beginning. The PAIN! I hate when I hear people say that it doesn’t hurt if you are doing it right… I think that’s true… but only AFTER you get through about the first two weeks.

  25. Shell, I haven’t commented in a while, but I had to on this one.  Thanks for saying what so many of us extended breastfeeding moms secretly feel.  It’s a complex experience.  I BFd my daughter until her 3rd birthday, wrote a book to help her wean because everything else was a heartwrenching failure, and the next day after we were 100% done, I found out I was pregnant!  I’m still longing for that drink…maybe in another three years, lol.  Though I loved and miss the intimacy and connection that I had with my daughter while breastfeeding, there were many moments where I felt so frustrated, physically trapped, and even angry because of sleep deprivation and not knowing how to help her wean without heartache (BFing was like her lovey, you know?).  We all have our reasons for feeding our children a certain way and time frame and all have our limitations, joys, and frustrations with the experience.  Thanks for sharing a well-rounded perspective.

    • Yes, yes, yes- you totally get it! I bf my oldest until he was 2.5 (the last year in tandem with his brother and before that, during a pregnancy). My middle quit at about 18 mo(I was pregnant again and I think because he was older when I got pregnant, he noticed a difference) and then I had about 6 months of just being pregnant but not nursing… then my youngest was born and I bf him for about 15 months(he self-weaned) and while I was glad to be able to do it, it was a relief to have my body back to just me since it was over 5 years of non-stop pregnancy and/or nursing. I was done!

  26. I really relate to this post…b/c as I enjoy the benefits for my kids of breastfeeding sometimes I am just ready to be done. Yes it’s easier than making a bottle or when I don’t want to make dinner for the baby…but also it’s another on the list…at night I have to pump before bed…are his new teeth going to bite me…oh wait I’ve been away from him a few hours now I feel like I’m going to spill milk everywhere. I enjoy the bond…but sometimes it’s nice to have them back 🙂

    • When I was done bf’ing my youngest, my mom asked me if I was sad to be done, knowing I wouldn’t have any more. I said NO WAY. I was glad I did it, but even more glad to be done.

    • There were parts I did love. I think I focused mostly on the hating part in this post b/c I wrote it right after getting off the phone with my mom, who was bashing my sil for quitting. 😉

  29. I LOVED nursing my kids, although being the only one to get up at night kinda stunk.  Still I had lots of friends who felt like I judged them for not nursing.  Not so.  I judge moms who starve their kids.  As long as you feed your kids–whether from a bottle or a boob–I’m cool with it!

    • I never got to the point of loving it. I definitely didn’t hate every moment, but it was more a neutral feeling. But so many friends assumed I’d judge them because all they knew was how long I bf.

  30. I’m nursing my 9th baby right now.  He was born just 5 weeks ago.  I love every minute of nursing.  I’m fortunate in that nursing has always been easy for me (well, with the exception of sore nipples with my first baby)    I do have the cup size difference, though — my left boob just doesn’t make the same amount of milk or doesn’t the as many milk ducts for good flow or something, because all of my babies have preferred my right boob.  And it’s way bigger than my left!  Ah well.  That’s what padding is for, right?  And gel inserts?  Let’s just say that I work around the cup difference 😉

    • It’s so funny how many of us have mentioned the difference in flow!

      I didn’t hate all of it, but I more just looked at it like another thing I had to do!

  32. I loved breast feeding, but I don’t think it’s for everyone. It’s one of those things that if you aren’t loving it, stop. It ties you down and makes it difficult to find babysitters that can handle your baby. I know it’s supposed to be better and all, and it’s definitely cheaper, but it’s also hard!
    Sandy

  33. Breastfeeding is such hard work!  It’s like another entire job.  I actually enjoy the first few months of breastfeeding but once I head back to work full time it totally suck.  I hate pumping.  I hate having plugged ducts and mastitis all the time.  I hate thawing milk and making bottles for daycare  This is my life again in 8 weeks and I’m not looking forward to it again. 

    • Mastitis is the WORST. I think I’d almost rather go through childbirth again. 😉

  34. I noticed most of your comments were from moms who breastfed so I will present the other side. 🙂 I will admit I really didn’t want to bf. But I thought I would give it a try and thought 3 months would be great if I could do it. I have two sets of twins by the way. When the first set came they went straight to NICU and I was so out of it from recovering c-section that just being in the NICU made me sick for the first 24 hours. Those first babies really took a toll on me and by the time I got to the NICU to help them they had the bottle thing down. Plus one had a therapist showing me how to bottle feed her because she would forget to stop and breathe. So that’s really what I learned to do. Then I saw after days of being in there that you could put up these little panels and bf behind them. I was so self-conscious about doing (even if I had I would have never been one to do it in public), I think I tried it once and just felt too weird because I was so visible so I gave up. When they were 10 days old they came home and I tried it again. Nothing happened and I was so overwhelmed from being a new mom, recovering poorly from c-section, having two babies at home I just said whatever. I had been trying to pump too and gave that up after they’d been home 24 hours. When straight to bottles because that was really all I could handle. I hate that people judge. I agree about your boobs, your business! When the second set came I was not even going to pump. I said I’d try a couple times and if they didn’t get it easily then that would be that. The lactation consultant kept coming by in the hospital and quite frankly bothering me. I finally told her I wasn’t really that determined to do it and that she didn’t need to come by anymore. Her timing and the babies timing never lined up and I just said to heck with it then too and just said I will just bottle feed again. Lazy perhaps, but with both sets of twins I was just surviving any way that I could. Maybe it would have been different if I had only one baby but who knows?

    • I told a commenter above this- for a while, the doctor thought that my third child was twins. And my reaction was well, guess I’m not breastfeeding! 😉

  35. I didn’t like it at first b/c oh my gosh the pain! The lactation consultant took one look at me and goes “You have a hunk of flesh missing.” I wanted to give up. I’m glad I stuck with it though. It finally got better, but yes, there were times where I was just touched out too and I’d get frustrated sitting in one spot forever since my baby kept falling asleep. She self weaned and I felt so free. However, I’m really looking forward to just trying and relaxing about it this second time around b/c I know that time won’t last forever.

    • The pain is TERRIBLE at first. Like shards of glass being sucked out.

      When my last self-weaned, I have to admit, I was so happy to be done!

  36. This is so interesting! I have never heard it from this perspective before… I usually hear how great it is and how much they love it. It’s sort of refreshing to hear a different take on it and from so many people.

    I didn’t breastfeed and there are times that I feel like I will be shunned for saying it. I had to go back to work shortly after my kids were born and finding a place to pump & store the milk where I worked wasn’t going to be easy at all. I suppose that some would say that I could have found a way and I took the easy way out.

    My kids are all healthy, strong, and intelligent and I don’t believe that they were slighted by my choice in feeding them as babies. 

    • If I had gone back to my job after my first was born, I wasn’t even guaranteed a bathroom break until I’d been there for 6 hours(I was teaching and my kids were with me until their specials at the very end of the day- we didn’t have assistants and we were with them even at lunch) so finding the time to pump? Nope, wouldn’t have happened. I would have stopped, too.

      I roll my eyes when I hear bf moms talk about loving every minute. I have a hard time believing it and think it’s okay to talk about the parts of it that aren’t all magical.

  37. I don’t have kids, and I really don’t think that I ever will. Reading this post, and all of the comments, was really interesting. I’ve always felt that there seems to be a certain amount of animosity and judgement towards mothers who bottle-feed, and I’ve never understood it. All of my friends who have had children all breastfed, and I don’t think I’ve heard any of them say something that wasn’t glowingly positive about it. It was very refreshing to read some perspectives from women who didn’t love it. It gives me something to think about, in the event I ever decide to have a baby. Thank you for the honest post.  

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